Best Sex Writing 2012: The State of Today's Sexual Culture (21 page)

Your cure for Adrian’s shy erection is like your mom’s cure for a cold. A cold cures itself, but your mom wants to feel like she’s doing something to take care of you, so she makes you soup or gives you a pill, and when you get better she feels like she had a part in it. In the same way, do whatever you like to help fix Adrian’s shy erection and when a few days later he’s fucking your brains out, you’ll feel like you had something to do with it. Throw a penny into a fire, light incense in an abalone shell, masturbate for him, read him French poetry. It’ll all work.

And remember, while you wait for his penis to come on-line, someone who combines the desperate enthusiasm of a 16-year-old boy with the know-how of a grown man will be munching on your box for hours. Assuming you enjoy cunnilingus, everything will work out just fine.

Adrian’s Reluctant Orgasm

It takes a long time for Adrian to come with a woman; always has. It can’t be a physical thing, because he comes easily when he’s masturbating.

But it will be several weeks or months into your relationship before he has an orgasm with you. The experienced reader may be hearing this with a shake of the head: “Adrian won’t last two minutes with me. There’s this thing I do with my tongue/ finger/ vagina…” Perhaps, but read on.

Best that can be figured, Adrian’s overactive orgasm suppression mechanism got Frankensteined together when the standard propaganda about how a man has to last forever in the sack grafted itself onto his trained-from-the-womb perfectionism. Whenever he did anything, like take a shit or recite a multiplication table or bring home a piece of child-art made from paste and pinto beans, his mother would say, “Little Adrian, you’re just perfect.” He knew it wasn’t true, but in an effort not to disappoint the kindly woman who’d brought him into this world, he did his best to keep up the front by behaving the way he thought a perfect person would behave.

It’s Baby Adrian who puts the brakes on when he gets close to orgasm. “What are you doing, Adrian? We’re not supposed to come.”

Adrian tries to explain, “It’s only at first that we’re not supposed to.”

“How are we going to last forever if you come?”

“It’s not literally
forever
.”

“I’ve heard it’s forever.”

“She already came. That’s why we went down on her for so long. Now we can go ahead.”

“That’s not how I understood it.”

Then Adrian gets all mad, like, “That’s because you’re what? Six?! You don’t understand anything. Just let me come!” But by this time the window of opportunity has closed again.

It’s not that he doesn’t get close. He can come easily in the first 30 seconds. But he always holds back because he doesn’t want to prematurely ejaculate. That would make him a premature ejaculator.

Plus, he doesn’t want to stop having sex so soon after starting. On taking the first bite of his favorite meal, his next thought after
That’s delicious!
is not
Gee, I hope this experience ends immediately
.

A ways after that first one, a second window of opportunity opens, but by the time he recognizes it, an automatic part of his brain has already taken over and stifled his orgasm again. And so it goes with the third window and the fourth.
³

The cynical reader might suspect that this up-to-now objective account of how to make love to Adrian Colesberry has been corrupted by a crass attempt to promote Adrian Colesberry’s sexual athleticism, that this complaint about his not being able to come is obviously meant to imply that his lovemaking will be lengthy, and that the next chapter will be an equally transparent moan about the inconvenient girthiness of his cock. Not at all!

Adrian holds no delusions about women wanting a man to last forever. In his experience, they resoundingly haven’t. It’s great for those first few times when you just can’t get enough of each other, but after that, if you are anything like every woman he’s ever been with, you’ll be over it. Following the zero, one, or several orgasms you want to have, Adrian’s erection turns from a fun new toy into a party guest who won’t leave at the end of the evening. “Oh, that’s still there. Do I have to do something about it?”

The answer is an emphatic no. You don’t have to do anything about it. Adrian enjoys fucking more than coming. If he just wants to come, he won’t bother fucking you in the first place; he’ll jerk off. So just call “Time” when you’re done and he’s all good.

In Adrian’s experience, the trickiest part of his not coming will be managing your frustration. If you’re accustomed to having the power to bring off a man with your hand, mouth, or vagina, the discovery that you don’t have your finger on the trigger of Adrian Colesberry might not make you happy.
⁴

The sensitive reader may perceive a profound ungenerousness or distancing mechanism in Adrian’s not achieving the ultimate sexual pleasure. You may read his never coming as
I don’t really need you.
Please do not indulge this train of thought. If Adrian is fucking you, he needs you.

Endnotes

1
There have been two times in Adrian’s life when his shy erection has not been a temporary, up-front problem: with the Wife and once before that with the Deliberate One. We can breeze over the Wife by assuming that you won’t force Adrian exclusively into the roles of father figure, caretaker, doctor, and provider, not leaving any part for his penis to play because Adrian the father-caretaker-doctor-provider will not fuck his child-invalid-patient-ward.

The Deliberate One offers a far more instructive example of how Adrian’s erection can be driven into hibernation. She lived at the women’s dorm where Adrian was a waiter in college. He became part of her drinking circle and ended up with a little bit of a crush on her, which grew into a lot of a bit of a crush once he learned that her main goal in college, aside from graduating of course, was to fuck at least one person other than her high school boyfriend, who was the man she’d given her virginity to and the man she planned to marry after college. A noble cause. Needless to say, Adrian wanted to sign up.

Tip:
Historically speaking, people have underexploited the ability to help themselves reach their potential by fucking Adrian Colesberry. If you have any life goals that he can help along in this way, please let him know.

Adrian soon learned from another girl in their circle that the Deliberate One had chosen him to do the fucking. So with no fear of rejection, he asked her out. For their first few dates they just necked in his car, but eventually he got her over to his place and before the evening was done, she let him take her pants off. He went down on her for a long time, using everything he’d learned between the Loved One’s legs. When he came up for air, she lay back in anticipation of his entry. And that was when he lost his erection. At that moment, he could have said truthfully, for the first and the last time, “I swear, this has never happened to me before.” He felt sure that the problem would pass, but it didn’t. Weeks went by and they were only ever about boob handling and eating pussy.

Unless your fantasy affair with Adrian Colesberry involves him going down on you and a lot of making out, he’s apparently not the greatest guy to fuck around with on your boyfriend or husband. On the other hand, he’s older now, of course, and the Deliberate One is not you, needless to say. So maybe Adrian and, more important, Adrian’s penis, would be thrilled to be one-half of the adulterous affair you’d like to have behind the back of your lucky someone. Just don’t put a down payment on a condo/love nest until you test-drive his cock for a bit.

Knowing how much she wanted to fuck someone else, Adrian felt really guilty about not being able to get it up for her. It was as if a terminal cancer patient had asked him to give her a fuck before dying, but he couldn’t because of his ridiculous, uncooperative erection. Then it dawned on him that maybe she could do something to make it more cooperative. In his first-ever attempt at asking anyone to do him a favor in bed, he asked her if she had ever considered sucking his cock. She had, so that was good, but she said she only did that for her boyfriend. Afterward, he no longer felt guilty about not being able to fuck her.

Depending on your perspective, Adrian’s impotence in this case was triggered either by a respectful objection to the Deliberate One’s infidelity or by her lack of physical attention. The monogamous, blow job–averse reader should choose to believe that Adrian’s sense of rectitude kept his penis flaccid; the adulterous reader should choose to believe that he’s one enthusiastic blow job away from getting hard enough to fuck the pope’s girlfriend.

2
Despite her name or maybe because of it, the Great One did make the beautiful mistake of sucking Adrian’s cock for an uncomfortably long time in an attempt to solve his initial shy erection. His problems lasted a particularly short time with the Innocent One, who never once touched Adrian’s shy erection. No credit to her, though; she barely touched his penis at all, shy or otherwise. The Last One more deliberately ignored the early erection difficulties, to the extent that when he mentioned it, she didn’t even speak, as if she hadn’t heard him. Good move.

The Talker, from back in college, and the Expert had the most hysterical responses to his shy erection. The Talker imagined that his erection was flagging due to a lack of kink and flipped into every conceivable sexual position to inspire him. Eighteen years later, the Expert also chose to up the kink: after an abortive bout of doggie style, she did an acrobatic maneuver where she ended up with her legs wrapped around his neck, putting them into a standing 69 where she deep-throated him. That worked for a bit, but when she came up for air, Adrian still didn’t have enough to pull a condom over.

At this point, the Expert spun into a total panic. Her alarm grew and grew until she blurted out, “I’m going to ask my mom for one of dad’s pills.” Apparently, her father took an erection pill to get hard.

Adrian started to tell her for the one-millionth time that his penis would work OK soon enough, but she looked utterly lost at having failed to generate a hard cock in the way that she was used to. So he changed his mind and said, “Fantastic. Definitely ask your mother.”

He felt quite generous about his assent. Not only did it make the Expert happy but it’d give dad a thrill to hear that some young stud, relatively speaking, needed a bit of the same chemical assistance that he needed himself. Mainly, though, he wanted to hear the Expert report on the conversation where she asked her mother for one of her husband’s pills. “Thanks for the hard-on pills, Mom. Keep’em coming, and this guy you’ve never met can pork your daughter.” Words every girl’s mother dreams of hearing.

Moving from the absurd to the sublime, the prize-winning responses to Adrian’s early loss of erection belong to the Enthusiast and the Kind One: When Adrian fell to half mast, The Enthusiast would lie down beside him, cup his balls in one hand, and, with her other hand, masturbate herself. To break down why this is so brilliant, grabbing his balls maintained contact with his naughty bits, but not a part that needed to do anything, so he couldn’t interpret her touch as a demand of any kind. And the masturbation communicated that she hadn’t taken their forced break as a failure. She was going to be sexually satisfied whether he fucked her or not. That made him feel a lot better.

The Kind One pulled a maneuver of even greater genius, if you can imagine it. At his first failure, she jumped off the bed, grabbed some lotion from the bedside table, and gave him a foot massage. Saying, without saying,
I’m going to love you whether your penis is on board or not.
Not only was this the kindest maneuver, but it got the quickest result.

3
The only person to break Adrian’s reluctant orgasm was the First One. It remains controversial what exactly caused his orgasm to flip from reluctant to nearly immediate. All the evidence for all points of view will be presented here in a balanced way so that you can make up your own mind.

Once she decided that they were an item, Adrian became the beneficiary of the First One’s girlfriend ethics:

•
The primary rule:
Any time she found Adrian with a hard-on, it was her job to make it go away.

•
The secondary rule:
She was responsible for harvesting all his semen.

The lawyerly reader might object that the secondary rule is simply a corollary of the primary. But although the primary rule provides the foundation for the second, it is not a sufficient condition. The primary rule only required that she solved the erections that she found. The secondary rule required her to be there to find all his erections, something she did with near perfect fidelity. Often at great inconvenience to herself, she would spend every night with Adrian. He thought at first that she was doing all this on account of a deep affection, but really it was an ethical imperative, as follows:

The First One is Adrian’s girlfriend iff the First One harvests all Adrian’s Semen.

The First One harvests all Adrian’s Semen iff the First One sleeps over every night.

The First One sleeps over every night.

QED

[Where iff = if and only if, in other words the singular sufficient condition(s).]

At night, she’d get there just before he went to bed and they’d fuck until he came. Then they’d sleep until his second erection woke up one of them at around three in the morning; then they’d fuck again. Then she’d take care of his morning erection, of course, after which she’d promptly leave for work.

This pattern wasn’t immediately established. His reluctant orgasm heroically persisted for several weeks before he came for the first time, but once she’d gotten her foot in the door, she had him coming progressively quicker. Within two weeks, he’d stopped masturbating altogether because she was keeping up with his testicles’ production capacity. Adrian, as you can imagine, felt a bit confused and unmanned by the arrangement. He was hardly lasting forever as he knew he should be. But the First One’s positive attitude, driven by her high level of girlfriend accomplishment as defined by her own ethics, convinced him that everything was OK.