Bent not Broken (18 page)

Later, as the room is illuminated with soft purples and pinks of the early morning, we’re on the brink of falling asleep after a long night of making love. When my eyes are closing from deep and exquisite exhaustion, I feel him move closer to me, his nose nuzzling my neck as he murmurs in my ear, “
I’ll never get tired of you…of this.” He holds my hands in his, twining out fingers together. “I just want to touch you. So fucking badly. So fucking much. You are mine now. Only mine.”

Before falling into an abyss of dreams, I hear myself replying.

“I’m yours.”

The truth reverberates within me until it is etched in my soul.

****

I wake up, opening my eyes as I stretch my body. Uh oh. Now I feel sore. Very sore. I have red marks everywhere on my body. Smiling, I don’t feel shocked or scared because they remind me of our night together, our first night together, and of everything that happened between us. Those bruises and red marks are a visual memory of what it means to be branded. I was branded physically by Ben with each hard thrust of his hips into me, and with each kiss and every soft word whispered, he branded himself in my heart.

As I extend my arms above my head, trying to shake the sleep induced haze off my mind; I notice that Ben is not in bed. Not giving it a thought, I flip on my stomach and reach for his pillow, bringing it close to my face. I bury my nose in the fluffy case as I try to absorb his essence, inhaling his unique peppermint scent mixed with sweat and the musky aroma of sex.

Geezz…I remember now. This pillow was under my stomach last night when he drove into me from behind. Feeling warm moisture settle in my core, I groan and move the pillow to my chest and hug it as if it were Ben. After a couple minutes of lying idly, I decide I should take a shower before he returns when I hear the door open. I prop myself on my elbows as I watch a freshly showered and dressed Ben enter the room. His smile is so big when he sees me that you can see the beginning of laugh lines around his eyes and mouth.

He is gorgeous.

And he is mine.

“You’re up. I’m glad. I want to teach you how to ride a bicycle.”

“Seriously, Ben? I told you when we had this conversation weeks ago that I wasn’t interested in learning.”

As Ben gets closer to the bed, the smell of his aftershave and his shampoo holds me enthralled. “I know, babe, but I want to teach you. It’s fun. And during the summer we can go to New Hampshire or Vermont and go mountain biking. It’s awesome. And I want you to do those things with me.”

“Okay, fine.” When he’s standing in front of me, I notice the writing on his tee. “I don’t get your t-shirt.”

“What?” Ben asks.

“It says “Liquor on the front.”

A sexy smirk appears on his face. “Read the back, babe, and say it quick.”

When he turns around, I see the rest of the saying. Well. “Poker on the back?” Enunciating the words aloud, I get it. Seriously?

While Ben laughs, he reaches the edge of the bed and kneels next to me. “Gladly, baby. But not now. Now, I want to do this.”

“Ben, take that shirt off! Seriously, that’s—”

“It’s the shit. Now get your delicious ass out of bed. I’m teaching you how to ride a bicycle.”

“Thought I did that last night…”

“You did, baby, and you almost gave me a fucking heart attack. But this is different. Come on, no more buts.”

“Fine,” I groan and get out of bed.

****

Freshly showered and feeling not so sore anymore, I make my way to the spacious breakfast room. The maid who I stopped to ask for directions referred to it as a breakfast parlor. I giggle. Parlor. My secret guilty pleasure is to read regency novels, and the word parlor reminds me of them. Ben definitely could be the hero in one. He definitely looks the part. Ruggedly handsome and masculine.

When I arrive at the room, my eyes immediately scan the area looking for Ben. It doesn’t take me long to locate him. He’s talking to the same beautiful brunette from last night whose exotic features make mine look boring and plain. She is supermodel tall with a Victoria’s Secret model body. They are standing by a window deep in conversation, but that’s not what bothers me.

What punches me in the gut, leaving me breathless, is the way she’s holding his hand in hers. I see the glimmer of tears in her eyes as she talks to him. It looks like she’s pleading with him. Ben looks annoyed, but I can see the softening in his eyes as he lifts a hand to wipe a tear off her face tenderly.

Shit.

Watching him touch her face so gently is a blow to my heart. I’m breaking into a thousand tiny pieces. Walking backwards without looking, I crash into the housekeeper who was holding a tray filled with glassware. It falls and breaks, just like me. Everyone turns in my direction and I apologize to the room, making my way to the front door as fast as I can.

I feel the cool air hit my wet cheeks the moment I begin to run. I don’t care. I just want to get away from that house. I knew this was going to happen. I let myself be fooled by my own wishful thinking. I thought I could make Ben fall in love with me like I had with him.

Yes, I love him. And it hurts. But Ben was never mine to begin with, so I can’t be angry with him if he wants to end whatever we have.

I knew it.

I knew it.

I hear someone shouting my name, but I don’t stop running. I don’t even know where I’m going. My blonde hair keeps getting in the way as I try to escape, partially blinding me until I hit a human wall. A warm wall whose arms wrap around me tightly.

How did he get ahead of me? Whatever. It doesn’t matter.

I try to get away from his strong grasp, but he won’t let me. Ben leans down and speaks into my ear, “Cathy. Stop fighting me. It wasn’t what you think.”

When I’m about to protest, he puts a finger on my mouth. “Shhh. Let me explain. That was Ashley. She wants me back, but what you saw wasn’t us getting back together. It was me letting her go. I don’t want her anymore, Cathy. I’ve just explained to her that…that I have fallen in love with someone else and that I don’t love her anymore. I love you, Cathy. Only you. So, please…stop.”

The fight leaves my body, and I lift my eyes as hope is reborn, spreading like a wild fire inside of me. “Y-you love me?”

Nodding, his eyes are luminous with fervor. “Yes, Cathy, I love you. I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you, too. So much.”

****

Ben

Love can destroy you.

Love can erase you.

Love can heal you.

Love can reinvent you,

And, if you are lucky enough,

Love can make you whole again.

That’s what Cathy has done to me.

I cover her hand in mine as we make our way to the house. The need to be alone with her is driving me fucking insane. I need to show her with my body what words are not enough to describe. Show her that she owns me, body and soul. Not even Ashley, whom I thought was my future before she cheated on me, had ever reached inside me the way Cathy and her innocent green eyes did. She changed the biological makeup of my broken body, embedding herself into my DNA, slowly healing me with her smile, gluing me whole again with her love.

Fuck.

I have it bad.

And I love it.

I love her.

So fucking much.

I look down at the small hand in mine, feeling her sweet warmth all the way to my dick, and I realize that this tiny package of perfection has the power to completely destroy me, to annihilate me if she ever chose to. The funny thing is that I don’t give a damn about it. If it means that I get to be with her, to hold her in my arms, to call her my own for however long I have.

And it better be a shitload of time because at this rate forever might not be long enough.

When our gazes meet, a shiver of awareness runs down my spine, settling where I need to feel her wet and warm and pulsating around me. I remember the way her body welcomed mine, giving herself so freely to me.

As we walk back to the house, I let go of her hand and wrap an arm around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me. I feel her arms wrap around my waist.

“Ben…”

“Yes, babe?”

“Are we going back to our room?”

“Yep. We need to clear up some stuff.”

“Okay. Could we avoid going through the main entrance? I kind of don’t want to run into anyone after the show I put on, and I must look like a raccoon from crying,” Cathy asks, her voice muffled from my chest and raspy from tears.

Leaning down to kiss the top of her head, I close my eyes for a brief moment as I inhale the flowery scent of her shampoo. “Whatever you want, babe.”

And I mean it.

We are now lying on the bed facing each other. I want her naked and on top of me, but I know it can’t happen yet. I need to explain some things and make her understand that the past is the past and it better stay there, once and for all.

When a strong urge to touch her comes over me, to have her body next to mine, I pull her closer.

“Much better.”

“Ben…I’m sorry for jumping to conclusions when I saw you with Ashley. It’s just that last night I saw you walking out with her, but when I asked you about it, you didn’t mention her.”

“I was going to tell you about her, but I didn’t want to talk about it just then. I wanted it to be just about the two of us. Just you and me and nothing else.”

“After last night I shouldn’t have doubted you. It’s just…when I saw the way you touched her face, the way she was holding your hands and how perfect she was, I was so jealous. I knew I could never compete against—”

I put a finger under her chin and lift her face to make her look at me. “Let me explain. You’re not going to like parts of what I have to say, but it’s the truth and you deserve the truth. And knowing the truth is the only way you’ll see that there’s no need to give Ashley a thought.”

“Okay.”

I can hear the fear in her voice, but I know this is what we both need.

“Ashley and I have known each other for a long time. We both went to St. Patrick’s Prep. I was a junior, and she was a freshman. I guess you could say I was popular because I was already the starting quarterback and because of my last name. No big deal. I enjoyed the perks. I was very young and an idiot. Julian and I slept with pretty much every hot girl that caught our attention. And there were quite a few, Cathy.

“I remember the day like it was yesterday. Julian and I were getting shit faced in our dorm, when Oscar, who you haven’t met, came to tell us about this new hot transfer. That she was a freshman and fresh pussy.” When she winces in my arms, I squeeze her hip, knowing that this is nothing and only gets worse. “He decided he was going to screw her sooner rather than later. Julian and I didn’t give a fuck because, frankly, we didn’t care. Oscar was good looking, but Julian and I got the most attention from the girls in school, so if she was that hot we knew she’d eventually sleep with one, or both of us,” I pause. “We were kind of assholes back then.

“It didn’t work out that way because the next day I ran into her, and I mean body slammed into her. She dropped her folder and some books, I think, but I couldn’t tell you exactly what because the moment I saw her, I kind of fell in love with her. After we began dating…I mean, I was so crazy about her that I was afraid to hook up with her and have her think I was a man whore or something like that, so I asked her to be my girl. It wasn’t long after that we—” Hell, this is hard to say. I can feel how tense Cathy is, but I continue, “I was her first, and she was my last. We dated all through my junior and senior year at St. Patrick’s, and for half my time in college. I thought I loved her, and I was planning to propose to her once I was done with college and start Law School at Columbia. I figured my parents and her parents could help us out while we were both finishing school.”

I have to take a deep breath, but as I exhale I realize that I don’t feel any pain. I’m about to tell her what happened next, how Ashley took my heart and ripped it to pieces. Before Cathy came into my life, just the memory alone had the power to make it hard to breathe, but as I stare into pools of rich green, I know I don’t feel anything anymore.

I feel no pain.

I feel no tightening in my chest.

I feel healed.

I feel whole.

I feel love.

“Go ahead.” She takes my hand in hers and brings it to her mouth, kissing it slowly.

“We did the whole long distance relationship for two years. And it worked. I guess because she was still in high school and I was popular Ben playing college level football, and we were in love. Once she finished high school, I begged her to go to school with me, but she didn’t want to. She said she hated Florida and its hot weather. She chose NYU because she wanted to stay close to home. It made sense to me, you know.

“Things went to hell half way through my junior year, her freshman year at NYU. On my way home for spring break, I decided to propose to her. As soon as I got home, I spoke to my parents. They were hesitant at first, but after I presented them a sound plan, they agreed. I spoke to Ashley’s father and he agreed. That same day, my dad took me to Van Cleef and Arpels on Fifth and I bought her an engagement ring. Since I was in the city already, I decided to surprise Ashley. I knew she had already made plans with a friend from out of town, but I didn’t care, I wanted to see her that day.”

“Oh, Ben…”

I can hear the hurt in her voice. Shit, she is hurting for me even when I’m telling her about another woman. I love her.

“She had her own place in Gramercy Park, and I decided to surprise her with her favorite pink roses. I was twenty years old, stupid and idealistic.” I take a deep breath. “I was in the kitchen, opening a bottle of champagne, when I heard the door open. Hearing her giggles, I turned around just in time to see her jump Oscar. They had no idea I was standing there like a fucking asshole watching. Oscar walked them to her bedroom while they continued to make out. The room was across from the kitchen, so I saw the moment...the moment when he threw her body on the bed, scattering rose petals all over the room. That’s when they realized something was wrong. Ashley stood up immediately, turning to look at the fucking joke on the bed.”