Beneath This Man (63 page)

I watch as his eyelids flicker and slowly open, blinking a few times before he focuses in on me. I can see from the ticking of his minds cogs that his pre-awake brain is being flooded with information and reminders that will bring him back up to speed with where we are and why. It takes a few silent moments, but he eventually sighs and inches himself closer to me until we are nose to nose, him on his side and me still on my front. I don’t feel close enough. I pull my arms from under the pillow and shift myself on a few winces until I’m on my side reflecting him. His hand rests on my hip to steady me and he moves closer still, his body pressed to the front of mine, our noses touching again.

‘It is possible.’ I whisper through the incredible dryness of my throat. ‘To understand how you feel about me, it is possible.’

‘You did this to yourself to prove you love me?’

‘No, you know I love you. I did it to show you what it feels like.’

His brow furrows deeply. ‘I don’t understand. I know what it feels like to be whipped.’

‘I don’t mean that. I mean the agony of seeing the man I love hurting himself.’ I bring my hand up and stroke his stubble, and I see him begin to grasp my point. ‘Nothing will ever hurt me as much as seeing you doing that to yourself. That will kill me, nothing else. If you punish yourself again, then I will too.’ My voice is slightly shaky just at the thought of ever having to face another day like yesterday. I’ve just threatened him and if he loves me like he claims he does, then my request should be a very easy one for him to fulfil.

His eyes dart around a bit and he chews his lip as he starts shaking his head ever so faintly. His eyes fall back onto mine. ‘You love me.’

‘I need you. I need you strong and healthy. I need you to understand how much I love you. I need you to know that I can’t be without you either. I would die before losing you too.’

He shakes his head. ‘I don’t deserve you, Ava. Not after the life I’ve lived. I’ve never had anything I’ve valued or wanted to protect. Now I have, and it’s a bizarre mixture of total happiness and complete fucking fear.’ His eyes scan every inch of my face. ‘I filled an empty existence with drink and women. I’ve never cared. I’ve hurt the most precious thing in my life and I can’t cope with that.’  

‘I’ve made you like this.’

His frown line slips onto his forehead, but he doesn’t argue with my statement. I have made him like this. ‘I crave control with you, Ava. I can’t help it. I really can’t.’

‘I know.’ I sigh, ‘I know you can’t.’ I move into his chest and soak up his heat. For once, I feel like I completely understand him. He’s had an irrepressible existence – a life of not caring, of unfeeling and complete disorder.  He doesn’t know what to do with all of this new found emotion.

‘You’re hurting because of me.’ he says into my hair.

‘And you are because of me.’ I affirm, harshly. ‘We deal with the past. As long as I have you, the strong you, then we deal with it. It’s not your history that is hurting me. It’s you. The things you are doing now.’ I’m aware of my mind pointing out that I’ve been struggling to deal with Jesse’s past, but that is just raging jealously, not heart splintering pain. I have to learn to deal with it.

I’m pulled from his chest. His eyes are glazed, his chin trembling. ‘You’re crazy mad.’ he says softly, pushing his lips to mine ‘Crazy, crazy mad.’

I welcome his soft lips onto mine. It’s about the only part of me I can move without pain slicing me. ‘I’m crazy in love with you. Please don’t do that to yourself again. My back hurts.’

He pulls back on a mild scowl. ‘I’m still furious with you.’

‘I’m not very happy with you either.’ I retort quietly.

‘I can’t touch you.’ he grumbles, kissing me again, all over my face.

‘I know. How’s your back?’

He scoffs and continues covering my face with his lips. ‘I’m fine. I’m just pissed at you. We need to get you moving or you’ll cease up.’

‘I’m happy to cease up.’ I argue. I’m happy to lay here and have him kiss me from head to toe.

‘Not a chance, lady. You need a lavender bath and some cream on your back. I can’t believe out of all of my members, you picked the most unstable one.’

‘I did?’ I ask. I wasn’t to know. I just handed the whip to the first man who would take it.

‘You did.’ He drags his mouth away from my face and narrows displeased eyes on me. ‘John and I were due to have a meeting today to discuss revoking his membership. We’ve been monitoring him for a while. His behaviour has become a little erratic lately and while some of the women welcome the rough side of his sexual exploits, others not so much. He makes some women uncomfortable and that’s a problem.’ A look of regret washes over his face, and I know he’s thinking that he should have kicked Steve out sooner. ‘He hadn’t done anything to warrant us getting rid of him until last night.’

‘I asked him.’ I try and ease Jesse’s guilt. I don’t want a repeat of all this.

‘There are rules, Ava.’ He kisses me, biting my bottom lip lightly. ‘Did he give you an out?’

‘No.’ I realise how stupid I was now.

‘The list of his offenses goes on and on. He’s broken a lot of rules. He’s got to go.’

‘I don’t remember him. He wasn’t at the anniversary party.’ I would have remembered that cocky face.

‘No, he was on duty.’

‘Duty?’

Jesse smiles. It’s a welcome sight. ‘He’s a cop.’

I cough, and then wince. ‘What?’

‘He’s a copper.’ His eyebrows rise in a yes-you-heard-me-right gesture.

Steve’s a policeman? ‘You threatened to kill a cop?’

‘I was crazy mad.’ He pushes my hair from my face and gazes at me thoughtfully. ‘I’ve been thinking.’

I don’t like the sound of that. He doesn’t look like he does either. ‘What about?’

‘Well, about a lot of things. But the first thing is that I need to talk to Patrick about Van Der Haus.’

I knew I wasn’t going to like what he said, but I can’t see any way around this. Mikael is probably the equivalent of Patrick’s retirement fund, and I know he’s going to probably pass out with shock when I tell him that I can’t work with Mikael anymore. I really can’t, and I’ve not even told Jesse about the text message. But he has just confirmed that he thinks it was Mikael in that footage too.

Oh God. ‘It’s Monday!’ I blurt, shifting a little in an attempt to get myself up.

His hands swiftly press into my shoulders, pushing me back down. ‘Do you honestly think I’m letting you go anywhere?’ He shakes his head. ‘Listen, that’s not the only thing I’ve been thinking about.’ He commences chomp on his lip.

Oh no. What
is
he thinking about? ‘What?’ I ask quietly. He’s not even elaborated on his thoughts of Mikael, although I know exactly where he’s going with it.

He pushes himself in closer to me. ‘I can’t ever be without you.’

‘I know that.’

‘But it’s not because I’m worried about reverting back to my old ways. I love you because you give me purpose. You’ve filled a massive hole with your beautiful face and your spirit, and while I might be making your life a little more difficult with my challenging ways…’ He raises a sarcastic eyebrow. ‘I want to throw that right back at you.’

I laugh hard and wince immediately afterwards, but Jesse doesn’t join me in my hysterics. His lips purse and his grip increases on my hip. ‘I am not challenging, Jesse Ward.’ His eyebrows jump higher. He obviously disagrees, but I slap my hand over his mouth to halt his counter attack. ‘You just said that I’ve filled a massive hole with my spirit…’

‘And your beautiful face.’ he mumbles into my hand.

 I roll my eyes. ‘Part of that spirit is my incessant need to challenge
your
challenging ways. You’ll never get rid of that tiny part of me that rebels against you and you wouldn’t want to. That’s what makes me different from all the women of The Manor, who’ve licked your boots for far too long,’ It’s me who raises a sarcastic eyebrow now, and his eyes narrow slightly in return. I’m delivering these words to a man who is so incredibly thick skinned and unreasonable, I wouldn’t be surprised if he laughed in my face, but I continue anyway. ‘I’ve given myself to you completely. Every part of me is yours. No one will ever take me away from you. Not ever. And I know part of your issue is keeping me as far away from what the other women in your life represent.’

‘There have been no other women in my life!’ he argues through my hand.

I push it harder to his lips. ‘But I need to know something.’

His eyebrows rise. He can’t answer because my hand is too tight on his lips.

‘You want to keep me as far away from the women of The Manor, but what about the sex?’ I can feel him grinning against my palm. He finds this a funny question? I take my hand away from his mouth. Yes, he’s grinning that roguish grin. It’s a lovely sight, even if I’m not happy about his amusement at my question. He goes out of his way to dress me suitably, according to him, makes me wear lace – that request is suddenly very obvious – and he doesn’t want me to drink.

Oh God! 

The reason for that has just landed with an enormous smack in my brain. ‘You don’t like me drinking because you think I’m going to do what you used to do when you were drunk. You think I’m going to want to fuck everything in sight!’ I practically screech the words at him and his grin soon disappears. I’ve not even given him a chance to answer my previous question and I’m lobbing him another. Well not a question; more of a conclusion.

‘Will you stop fucking swearing?’ He rolls onto his back, without so much as a hiss or spit of pain.

Oh no. I scramble up, ignoring my own pain, and straddle him. ‘It is, isn’t it? That’s the reason.’

I watch as he absorbs my words. He can’t possibly argue with it, I know I’ve got him here. He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. He takes another but still, nothing comes out. He does this three times before he eventually speaks. ‘It’s not just that, Ava. You’re vulnerable when you’re drunk.’

‘But it is part of the reason, isn’t it?’ I know the other part is men assuming I’m fair game. He already admitted that.

‘Yes, I guess so.’ he admits.

‘Okay, what about the sex?’ This I really need to know. He wants to make me the opposite of all things Manor-ish, yet he fucks me stupid.

The grin is back. ‘I already told you this. I can’t get close enough to you.’

‘Sleepy sex achieves that.’ I scoff. I’m not going to push this too far. I love dominant Jesse.

‘Yes, it does, but we have an incredible chemistry. I’ve never felt it before.’

My heart gallops in my chest and for the first time in nearly a day, it’s with happiness. He’s never felt it before? But he’s slept with dozens of women, or is it hundreds? My smile disappears instantly. ‘What feelings?’

His hands rest on my thighs. ‘It’s pure bliss, baby. Total gratification. Absolute, complete earth shifting, universe shaking love.’

My smiles back. ‘Yeah?’

‘Oh yeah. Complete heaven.’

I fall forward onto his chest. ‘Ouch!’

‘Careful,’ He pushes me back up. ‘Does it hurt bad?’ A flash of anger flies through his eyes as he waits for my answer, and I pray that John has sent Steve packing before Jesse gets hold of him. I still can’t believe he’s a Policeman.

‘It’s fine.’ I shift. ‘What am I going to do about work?’ I ask. Where has this weekend gone? I inwardly laugh. It’s gone on lavish shopping trips, lavish food, lavish jewellery, lavish lace dresses, a lavish party, a peculiar marriage proposal, lots of incredible sex, date rape, whippings…I groan. It’s been one hell of a weekend.

‘Unravel your knickers. I’ve spoken to Patrick.’ Jesse sits up and shifts us to the edge of the bed.

He has? ‘Is there anyone in my life who you haven’t trampled?’ I ask dryly.

He stands and places me on my feet, his wonderful nakedness right in front of me. ‘Don’t be cheeky.’ He warns with total seriousness. ‘There are no whip marks on your arse, lady. Anyway, why does our home look like it’s been ransacked by burglars?’

Oh, I forgot about that. How could I. ‘I was looking for something.’

He frowns. ‘What?’ he asks, but I detect a hint of cautiousness.

I study him, assessing his expression and his body language. I can’t fathom it at all. ‘Nothing.’

He turns me away from him and starts walking me to the bathroom with one hand on my elbow and another cupping my bum. His lack of curiosity as to what I was looking for has only heightened my suspicions. He would never usually accept such a vague answer to one of his questions.

‘What did you tell Patrick?’ I ask as he lifts me onto the vanity unit.

‘I told him that you passed out on Saturday and put your back out.’

Oh? Good thinking. ‘Did he not think it strange that you called him?’

‘I don’t know and I don’t really care.’ He starts drawing a bath and comes back over to me. ‘Look what you’ve done to your beautiful body.’ he says quietly, gazing over my shoulder to my bare back in the reflection of the mirror. ‘I won’t be taking you on your back for a while.’

A wave of disappointment travels through me as I glance over my shoulder. ‘Is that it?’ I blurt incredulously. I feel like I’ve been skinned alive and all I’ve got to show for my torture are a few long, red welts and one with a sliver of dried blood.

‘What do you mean, is that it?’ He sounds angry.

I drag my eyes away from my pitiful wounds on a scowl and look at Jesse, who is displaying a similar expression to mine, but probably fiercer. I grab his hips. ‘Turn around.’ I order as I push him to guide his reluctant, lean body away from me. His back comes into view and I gasp. Now that’s what I’m talking about. He has double the amount of lash marks, more blood and generally more to show for the shitty day we had yesterday. ‘See, yours are better than mine.’

What am I saying?

He flies back around and I just about manage to release his waist before I’m dragged off the unit and onto the floor. He pins me with an incensed stare and grabs the tops of my arms, shaking me slightly. ‘Shut up, Ava!’

‘Sorry!’ The word flies out my mouth without much prompt. Why am I talking such rubbish? ‘It just hurts so much. I thought it would look a lot worse than that.’