Being Invisible (11 page)

My heart wins out, and I let him
hold me while I cry. Once I feel better, I pull away.

“I’m tired. I just want to go to
bed.” I wipe my eyes and run my fingers through my hair trying to pull myself
together.

“Okay sweetie. We will both feel
better after a good night’s sleep.” He grabs my hand to walk with me to bed. I
quickly pull my hand away and take a step back.

“I can’t. I love you, Colin, but I
just can’t be with you tonight. I am going to sleep in one of the other rooms
and sort my head out.”

“Lucy, Don’t do this. We need each
other. I will sleep much better with you next to me.

I lean up and give him a kiss on
the cheek. “I’m sorry. I just...I can’t." I turn quickly and walk away,
find the closest room and fall onto the bed. My brain is on overload, one
thought still running through my mind.

I am beginning to think that it's not enough.

I could have sworn that before I
went to bed, I told Colin something along the lines of "I can't be with
you tonight," along with something sounding a lot like, "I am
sleeping in another room." Clearly I must have imagined that. I can't
think of any other reason that I have awakened to the feel of Colin's slow, even
breaths against my neck, and his arms winding around me, pulling me close.

I deliberately turn my head slowly
so I don't disturb him. Just as I suspect, he is out cold. I take a minute to
enjoy the security of Colin's embrace and breathe in the scent of his soap. I
allow myself to soak in this moment while I can, because as soon as he wakes up
I am going to be so pissed.

A few minutes later, Colin stirs
in his sleep, turning onto his back but not waking up. I finally give up
waiting for him and throw my pillow at his head.

 
He sits up immediately. "What the
hell, Lucy?" Colin looks around frantically, trying to get his bearings.

"I could ask you the same
question, Colin. This is my bed. What are you doing in it?"

Colin stretches his arms over his
head, then runs his hands through his hair, still looking half asleep. "I
couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned most of the night. I needed you."

He looks miserable, but so am I,
so I'm running low on compassion. "Well I needed you to be here with me this
weekend, but apparently that was too much to ask, so you don't get to need me
back."

"Lucy..." Colin looks
lost. He sighs and starts rubbing his temples. It takes him a second before he
collects his thoughts. "This thing, being invisible, it gives me opportunities
that no one else can have. No one. And why? Because I am a screw up that
spilled some shit on myself. I need to feel like I deserve this."

Colin shifts so he is directly in
front of me on the bed, and grabs my hand. "And today is big. If we can
get these guys, we will be keeping hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of heroin
off the streets. Upwards of eighty criminals will go to jail. Guys that have
stolen cars, harassed business owners to keep their drug business alive, killed
innocent people. If I can help stop them, I have to do it."

I take a few deep breaths before I
respond. “I know you do. And I know more than anyone how hard you have worked
to get to this point."

I take a break, unsure if I am
able to say out loud what I am feeling. After a few seconds, I continue. "But
I don’t think there is room in your life to do that and be with me.”

Colin, who up to this point has
been fairly calm, stands up and starts pacing. “Are you telling me I have to
choose? It’s being a superhero or being with you?” He startles me with the
anger in his voice, and it takes me a second to answer.

“No. I would never ask you to
choose. I know how important it is to you. I was there with you from the
beginning. It’s your passion to help others. But passionate people have to make
sacrifices. And that’s me. I’m your sacrifice. You can’t hold on to me with two
fingers, while you’re trying to save the world with both hands.”

“Are you kidding me?” I’m not use
to seeing Colin angry. I don’t really like it.

“I am leaving in less than an hour
to walk directly into a raid to try to help stop the distribution of heroin on
a national level, and you decide that it would be in both of our interests for
you to dump me? Do you think I need this right now?”

The tears that have been welling
in my eyes dry up as quickly as they appeared. I am on an emotional
rollercoaster and my sadness has taken a backseat to my anger.

"I'm so sorry that I couldn't
fit my problems with our relationship into your plans a little better. But in
my defense, up until last night I was under the impression that we would be
together for the whole weekend. I'm sure that if Rob had barged in earlier in
the day to let me know that a drug bust was going down during the middle of our
vacation, I could have planned to freak out and end our relationship a little
sooner."

"You don't need to end our
relationship at all." While Colin has lost a little bit of his edge, his
frustration is still evident in his voice.

"No. I don't want to do this
anymore, Colin." My voice comes out stronger that I feel. "I don't
want to wait around for you to have time for me. It's not fair to either of
us."

For several seconds Colin sits
silently, his eyes wide. Finally, he scoots off the couch onto his knees so
that he is right in front of me.

“I need to help them today. Then I
don’t have to think about it. We still have three more days here. Give us at
least that. I know this was unexpected. And I should have told you. I know I
should have told you. I was trying to make it work, but it was stupid. I
screwed up. Just give me our time here. That’s all I am asking.”

I look away from him, trying to
collect my thoughts. He looks like a child asking for a puppy. It’s messing
with my head.

Can I give him three more days?

I picture our game of Scrabble,
the hot tub, the view of the woods, waking up in his arms.

But I still have the sinking
feeling in my chest from Rob’s announcement. My head still hurts from crying.
And I can’t shake the feeling that this might be as good as it’s going to get- me
waiting for him to take a break from being a superhero long enough to spend a
little time with me, while the world get’s the largest piece of his heart.

“I just, I don’t know, Colin. I
don’t know.” I want to say more, but I have no idea what.

Colin closes the distance between
us, and lightly grabs my arms.

“At least stay here until I get
back. Then we can talk. You can give me that can’t you?”

I take a deep breath and let it
out. “Fine. I will be here when you get back.”

He rests his forehead on mine for
moment then whispers into my ear. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. Nothing’s
changed.”

“I know.” Then he takes me by
surprise by kissing me gently on the lips. When I don’t immediately pull away
he deepens the kiss. Which, of course I stop… after about five minutes. I know
I shouldn’t be making out with him when I’m not sure if we should even be
together, but I can’t help it. That boy can kiss. Seriously, his tongue should
have a cape.

I finally pull away from the kiss,
feeling guilty for letting it go on as long as it did. “Colin, I…”

“I know. It’s okay. I have to get
ready to go.”

I nod, then watch as he heads into
the bathroom. Once I hear the shower turn on, I collapse on the couch. I don’t
get it. Did Lois Lane ever have to deal with this mess?

------

Colin has been gone for a couple
hours, and I am nowhere near close to figuring anything out. I attempt to clear
my head by going on a run through the woods. Even though I’ve been to his
uncle’s house before, I’ve never run in these woods before.
 
I end up lost and frustrated, which of
course is Colin’s fault for not being here. I finally make it back to the
cabin, hot, tired and in need of shower. But first, I decide to call Liz. I
need to hear a friendly voice.

 
As soon as she answers I start to cry.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I don’t know, Liz. I am beyond
figuring out any of this.”

“It’s okay, Lucy. Start from the
beginning.”

“Colin…” I pause, trying to
collect myself. “Colin brought me here, knowing that he was probably going to have
to go check out a drug ring not far away. He’s there now.”

Liz is quiet for a second. “Oh, Luce.”

 
I know she understands. She might be the
only one who really can.

“I told him that I can’t do it
anymore.”

“You broke up?” Her voice is almost
a whisper.

“He wants to talk about it
tonight. But who knows when he is going to be back. Late tonight I think.”

“So you’re in his uncle’s cabin
alone? What are you doing?”

“Oh, you know...worrying,
pondering, hanging out in the hot tub, stressing. All the usual things you do
on a weekend getaway.”

“Oh, Luce. If I didn’t love Colin
like a brother, I think I’d have to kill him. This is ridiculous.”

“Tell me about it. I thought this
weekend was going to be different.”

“I know you did. I thought so too.
Do you have any idea what you’re going to do?”

“I’m debating between burying him
in the backyard, or dropping him into the Hocking River.”

“Oh, Hocking River for sure.
Shoveling is hard work

“I love you, Liz.”

“I know you do, Luce. I love you
too. I hate to leave you like this, but I'm meeting a couple friends from
school for coffee. Are you going to be okay?”

“I’ll be fine. I just needed to
hear your voice. Go see your people.”

“Call me later. I need to know if I
have to set you up with an alibi.”

“Will do.” It feels good to know
that no matter what happens, I have at least one person who always has my back.

“Seriously, call me tonight. I
need to know you're okay.”

“I will. I promise.”

Talking to Liz has lifted my mood
some, but I am still at odds with myself.

I decide to force myself to relax
by soaking in the hot tub with a glass of wine. I close my eyes, and listen to
the mix that was suppose to be our weekend soundtrack. The sounds of Cat Power
singing “Sea of Love” invade the room while I do my best to unwind.

As the song changes to “Hope For
the Hopeless,” my mind

wanders to a time when things were
really good. Back before he starting using his ability to save the world, it
was just the two of us.

I remember how we would have races
to see who was the fastest. In the beginning, I won every time. Eventually he
started catching up to me, and the races were close. To make it fair, we started
making our friends, a family member, even the occasional random passerby be the
judge in case it was a photo finish.

Colin constantly tried to get
everyone to say that he finished first. And when they didn’t, he either accused
them of being paid off by me, or he tried paying them off himself. I feigned
frustration with him, and told people that he just couldn’t handle that I was
better than him at everything.

One day we decided to have a race
on the street in front of my house. It was a Friday evening, and the spring
like temperatures had brought people outside. Our neighbors gathered to watch
us because Colin promised he was going to ‘bring it.’

 
Annie was our judge, which she took very
seriously. She made James record the event on his phone, so that we would have
an instant replay if we needed it. She even put an app on his phone so that we
could play it back in slow motion.

Some of our friends blocked the
road, so that any cars trying to drive through would have to take a detour.

As soon as the horn from someone’s
sound app blared, we were off. I sprinted as fast as I could as our little
crowd cheered us on. Even though I didn’t look Colin’s way, I could tell he was
close. I’m sure I had a smile on my face the entire run. I loved the feel of
the wind, the sound of my friends yelling for me, and knowing that when it was
over Colin would rub my sore feet and tell me he was lucky to have me.

As soon as I reached the finish
line, made up of rolled up towels, I glanced over at Colin for the first time
since we started the race. He was next to me, watching me with an evil grin on
his face. I looked at Annie in question. Her mouth, which was gaping open, told
me everything I needed to know.

   
“I’ll be damned,” Annie
muttered before yelling to the crowd, “A victory for the underdog! Colin takes
the win!”

I would have loved to have a
recording of Colin’s reaction so that I could watch it on a continual loop
whenever I wanted, but James deleted the video as soon as the race was done.

Colin gave me a look that I could
only assume meant, “Look who the loser is now.” Before I could return his look
with my super-glare, he picked me up and swung me around, and kissed me on the
lips. Then he put me down to give all of his friends high fives. They took
their bottles of water and poured it on him in true champion style.

The whole thing was hilarious. He
won one race, and he’s ready to be the next Olympic hopeful.

As a joke, Liz put a pretend
microphone in Colin’s face. “So now that you have finally beaten Lucy, the
greatest runner of all time, what are you going to do next?”

Colin played along, looking every
part the contender. “That’s a great question, Miss Mollohan. Now that I have
beaten the greatest runner of all time, I am going to take that runner home and
make her give me my reward for winning, like all the “rewards” she always makes
me give her when she wins.” He gave the crowd an exaggerated look of distress over
the things I “made him do.“ Everyone laughed, while I rolled my eyes.