Being Emily (21 page)

MONA AND DECLAN
got engaged at Christmas, no long after the twins turned sixteen. Declan was at college noo, studying catering, but he’d a part-time job in a hotel and had saved up for the ring. Declan’s parents took us all out for a meal and I took photies. Mona’s favourite was of her and Declan, with Grace on her knee, her ring in full view of the camera, so I made a large print which she framed and hung in the living room, next to the others of Grace. Afore the fire there were loads of photies, a wall of them where you could read the story of our family from Mammy and Daddy’s engagement and wedding through the baby photies, school photies, first communions, all the formal occasions. Mammy kept albums of snaps too – holidays, maistly – us making sandcastles, or her and Da having a
glass of wine in the sun at a beach café. I preferred them to the posed ones. We seemed mair real in them, just better looking, less peelywally versions of wur real selves. But there werenae that many – this was afore digital cameras made it okay to take endless snaps in the hope that one would turn out good.

There were nae photies of the memories I wanted to preserve; us sitting round the table having tea, playing in the back court wi a tent made out the washing line, a doll’s tea party with water slittered everywhere.

But what difference would it make – they’d of been destroyed in the fire too.

Afterwards Janice had given my da a few of her snaps of Mammy but, though he looked at them privately, he never put any up in public. That different fae Jas’s house where a photo of his dad was displayed prominently, flowers in front of it like a shrine.

Patric came up for Christmas but Amrik stayed in London.
He’s gigging three days solid
, said Patric. He poured a few drops of bleach in the sink, filled it with cold water and swirled it round.
I think I might go back for the New Year
.

To London?

He nodded.

The smell of bleach caught the back of my throat. If Patric did go away for the New Year it would be the first time ever. And in our fragmented lives I kept hauding on tae every bit of continuity there was.

D’you have tae?

No, I don’t have to but
…

He pulled out the plug and the water glugged away.

* * *

In the end, Amrik came to Glasgow. Patric was tentative about it, walking on eggshells round me.

You don’t need to see each other, Fiona. Unless you feel okay
about it
.

I didnae know how I’d feel. But if Patric and Amrik were serious, I’d need tae get used to it.

Patric brought Amrik round for the bells at my da’s house afore they went aff tae some trendy party thegether. He’d asked me to go wi them but I don’t think he was too disappointed when I said no. Which made me feel sad, cause it was the first time in my life I’d felt Patric didnae want me to be with him.

Da had already had a few too many afore they came round.

Have a whisky, son
, he said.
Fiona, get Patric’s pal a whisky, hen
.

No thank you, Mr O’Connell
, said Amrik.

Is that cause you’re a Muslim?

No Da, Amrik is Sikh
.

Sick, that’s a good yin
, said my da.
Rhymes an all. Amrik is sick.
Have a wee whisky – it’ll make you feel better
.

Da
… I said pointedly.

Sorry, son, nae offence, nae offence
.

None taken, Mr O’Connell. In any case I do not practise Sikhism
now
.

Ah mean ah’m no a racist, you know, ah couldnae care less what
colour anybody is. Fiona’ll tell you. That lassie’s only ever had two
boyfriends and baith of them were Asian. And did that bother me –
no it never did, well you know ah’d of preferred if they’d been Catholic
Asians, but
.

Rona came intae the living room.
Mona and Declan are on
their way – had tae change Grace at the last minute but they should
be here afore the bells
.

That’s good. Rona, meet Patric’s pal
.

Amrik put out his haund.
Amrik
.

Amrik and Patric – hey that rhymes – just like me and my twin
sister – Mona and Rona. And Fiona – sort of
.

Amrik nodded.

Have you no got a drink yet, son? Fiona, get the boy a drink. If
you don’t want a whisky what’ll you take? A beer? A lemonade?

I went in the kitchen, opened the fridge and pulled out a beer. Patric followed me.
I’ll strangle him
, I said.

It’s cool
, said Patric.
Bells in ten minutes
.

What d’you want?

I brought some wine – it’s over there
.

Patric helped me take drinks through. My da continued to try tae engage Amrik in conversation.
So what is it you dae
doon in London, son?

I’m a musician. I play sitar
.

Zat right? Fiona, thon guy you went wi for a while – Jas’s brother
– did he no dae that too? What was his name, hen?

Amrik
.

Aye, Amrik
. He looked from me to Amrik and the penny dropped, but just at that moment Mona, Declan and Grace arrived in a flurry of wet coats and baby paraphernalia.

Just made it
.

Amrik, this is Mona, Declan and Grace. This is Patric’s friend
.

Hi
.

What d’yous want tae drink – only five minutes tae the bells
.

I’ll have a vodka and coke – and a beer for Declan
.

When I returned everyone was squashed round the living room. As I handed out the drinks, my da said,
Is there no a bit
of shortbread in the hoose, hen? It’s no the New Year without a bit of
shortbread in your haund
. I went back in the kitchen, piled some on a plate and gied that out as well. There was naewhere tae
sit so I stood at the kitchen door while Da adjusted the sound on the TV to watch the countdown to the bells. Some TV presenter muffled in scarves, with Edinburgh Castle in the background and folk shouting and waving in the street behind her, then a messy join to Big Ben and the countdown to the bells. Three, two, one.

Declan kissing Mona then Rona. Mona and Rona hugging each other, then me and Declan. I came out of the squash to see Patric hugging my da first, then Da’s stunned face as Patric turned and kissed Amrik full on the lips.

My da must of been too shocked to say anything and after the bells there was such chaos – a phone call fae Janice and Angie, Declan phoning his ma, Grace waking up and needing fed – that the moment passed.

After Patric and Amrik had left for their party, Mona, Rona and Declan put on their coats.

Are you coming with us, Fiona?

I shook my heid, though the last thing I wanted was to sit in the hoose.

Naa, I’ll stay and look after Gracie if you like
.

It’s cool, we’ll take her with us. Mibbe see yous later if you’re
still up
.

So there we were, me and the da, clocked on the couch with folk in tartan frocks and sashes birlin round in fronty us.

D’you no want the sound up on that, Da?
I said.

Ach, I’m no bothered
.

Will I make us a cuppa tea?

Dunno hen. D’you want one?

I didnae want anything but I thought it might be a chance to get him tae stop drinking, put some food inside him.

I returned fae the kitchen wi a tray of sandwiches, teapot and two mugs.

I poured the tea out, put in milk, one sugar in his, and stirred. He took a sip and put it doon.
Hot
.

Have a sandwich, Da. They’re your favourite
.

My da loves sandwiches with disgusting fishpaste in them.

Thanks, hen
. He took one, nibbled a corner then replaced it on the plate.

Fiona, did I just see what I thought I did?

I nodded.

He sighed.
I don’t understaund
.

I thought you knew Patric was gay
.

He never said
.

Aye but he’s twenty-five and he’s never had a girlfriend
.

I never had a girlfriend till I was twenty. And I never brung a
girl hame till I met your mammy and we were gonnae get engaged.
Folk didnae
.

I know, it’s different now
.

Too different. I’m a dinosaur, hen. Extinct. If your mammy had
been alive, it’d of been different. She’d of known. She always knew –
whatever was happening with yous weans, she understood
.

I know
.

But I don’t understaund. I mean I know it happens – but watching
your son kissing another man, well, it made me feel sick inside
.

I took his haund, squeezed it. I couldnae say a word, because, deep doon, for very different reasons fae my da’s, it made me feel the same. I’d thought I was cool about Patric and Amrik, could haundle it. But when I seen him and Patric kissing, everything went blurred. No because they were men, that wasnae the issue – but because I just didnae want him tae be with my brother.

* * *

When the phone went I thought it’d be Mona or Rona to say they were staying over wi Declan’s folks.

Da roused hissel fae his dwam in fronty the TV.
I’ll get it,
hen. Hello?
Suddenly Da sounded a lot mair animated.
Happy
New Year to you too. It’s Mrs Kaur
.

That’s nice
, I said. He blethered away and I went intae the kitchen, started to clear away the dishes and food.

Fiona
, he called me through to the living room.
Mrs Kaur
wants to speak to you
.

I took the receiver.

Hello
.

Hello Fiona, I just wanted to say happy New Year
.

Happy New Year to you too
.

Are your sisters with you just now?

They’re out at a party – it’s just me and my da in the house
.

Like me and Jaswinder
.

Oh
. I paused.
That’s nice
.

Would you like to speak to him dear? I’ll pass you on
.

Thanks
.

I could hear her saying something in the background then Jas’s voice, clear as if he was next tae me.

Happy New Year
.

You too
. Pause.
You hame for the holidays?

Aye
.

Having a nice time?

Quiet
.

Me too
.

My da was signalling something at me.
Look, I think my da
wants to speak to your ma again
.

Okay. Well, have a good holiday
.

You too
.

See you
.

I put my haund on my da’s shoulder.

I’m away tae bed noo, Da
.

Right, hen
.

Don’t stay up too long
.

I’ll no
.

In the room that used tae be mines but was now Rona’s, papered with posters of skinny women and guys wi six-packs, I lay awake for what felt like hours. I tried tae read and it did make me feel sleepy but when I put the light out my mind returned tae endless birling.

I only seen Patric once on his ain during the holidays, when we went out for some fresh air the day after New Year. It was miserable; puddle-grey sky that kept threatening but never actually did rain. No much open apart fae the supermarket but in Byres Road you can always find a café and we sat in the wee one next the chippie, cosy and steamy wi damp coats and the smell of frying food.

Are yous ready to order?

I could murder a bacon roll
, said Patric.

Didnae think you ate things like that any mair
.

I don’t usually, but
. He looked at the menu.
Can I have a
bacon, egg and tattie scone roll and cup of white coffee, please?

Sure
.

Me too
.

Patric looked round.
I’ve no been in here for years – didn’t
they used to have a picture of fishing boats over there?

He redecorated a few months ago. Actually I’ve no been in since.
Used tae come here with Jas sometimes
.

That’s the first time I’ve heard you mention his name since you
split. D’you never see him now?

No. I did bump intae him a month ago, but
.

The waitress arrived with our coffees.
Rolls are coming in a
minute
.

Ta
. Patric took a sip.
Good coffee
. He replaced his cup.

Fi, I wanted to talk to you about Amrik
.

What about him?

Are you okay, about us?

I told you I was
.

I know, but it’s different saying it and seeing us together. My da
was a bit
…

What d’you expect? He never even knew you were gay
.

Course he did
.

Did you ever tell him?

Not in so many words but I assumed
.

Assumptions
.

Assumptions?

Jas always used tae rant about them. It’s assumptions that cause
all the trouble. You assumed he knew because all the signals you were
giving out showed you were gay. And that’s fine for me and Janice
and all the other folk that assume that some people might actually
be gay. But my da hasnae a clue. Then you start kissing Amrik in
fronty him
.

I guess I’ve been away too long
.

You’re lucky. Some fathers would have punched Amrik
.

What about you, Fiona? I cannae help feeling you’re hiding something
.

Like what?

You tell me. As far as Amrik is concerned, you guys hung out a
bit and had a nice time, then moved on
.

So?

So why do I get the feeling that’s not how you see it?