Being Emily (9 page)

WAKING TO DARKNESS
, under the downie, fuddled, thinking at first it was a car alarm, I almost turned over then realised the sound was inside the house not outside. I jumped out of bed, threw the dressing gown round me and opened the door. In the hall the dark was thicker, the darkness of a fog, and smoke was seeping fae under the living room door.

I’d always thought I was a big feartie who’d panic at the least wee thing. But when it happened I went intae some kind of autopilot. All the things they’d taught us in that third-year safety course fae the guy in the Fire Brigade, suddenly came back to me.

I opened the twins’ door and woke them, tellt them to get out the house.

Mona, phone 999 on your mobile. Rona go round the close and
get all the neighbours out. And don’t switch on any lights!

They were that stunned they just done as they were tellt, though when Rona realised I was gaun in the room tae get ma da, she tried tae stop me. Somehow, though, for the first and last time in her life she seen something in me that forced her to obey.

I rushed tae the bathroom and soaked a towel, wrapped it round my face over my mouth and nose, then opened the living room door carefully, remembering to stay behind it in case of flames shooting out. Instead a sick bitter smell swamped me, making my eyes sting and water. The familiar room was a grey blur, and when I shouted,
Da
, a muffled sound fell intae the darkness. Remembering the training, I dropped doon low – smoke is thinner nearer the ground – and a few blurred shapes became visible. I crawled, feeling along the wall wi the back of ma haund till I reached the couch. It seemed ridiculous that a normal sized room could seem cavernous and that in the middle of a fire there could be so much darkness. I felt ma da’s leg, moved up his limp body till I got to his shoulder and started tae shake and shake him.
Da, Da, wake up
.

Mmm … whhh
…

For godsake Da, the hoose is on fire
.

He jerked slightly.

Da, you have to help me
.

I knew that though I could help him, I couldnae move him mysel but he wasnae waking up properly. Christ knows how much he’d had tae drink and with the effect of the smoke … I’d be a liar if I didnae admit that for a split second I did think of leaving him there for the Fire Brigade tae rescue. But I never.

Later on they said that’s what I should of done, no put mysel at risk like that. I don’t know what force I summoned up inside, never thought about what I was daeing, just pushed him aff the settee on to the flair, grabbed him under the oxters and pulled. At first I felt I wasnae getting anywhere, it was nae use, he was like a big deid lump. I screamed at him,
Move
ya big lump move
, and the towel started tae unravel fae ma face. I wound it round mair tightly, took a deep breath and hauled and somehow his body started tae soften; he wasnae moving hissel but he was no longer resisting, no longer deid weight, then suddenly we were outside the living room and when ah turned ah seen two students fae the top flat heiding towards our door and Mr Flanagan puffing up the stairs. They helped me get him intae the close where the air was clearer and next minute there were firemen everywhere and I was sitting on the other side of the street wi Rona and Mona, their airms and legs wound round me like monkeys.

Assumptions. You don’t know you make them till after something happens. I suppose if I’d ever thought about it, which I never did, I’d have assumed that after a fire I’d feel glad tae be alive, glad no one was seriously hurt, that the fire was caught afore the whole tenement was destroyed. Actually I felt numb. Shock, I guess, but something else too.

We were all carted aff to the hospital to be checked out. They kept my da in overnight but me and the twins went tae Janice’s. Three of us bunked up in Evie’s room while she slept with Janice and Angela. Like auld times, the three of us squashed thegether, and somehow the shock of the fire had made the twins a bit softer round the edges, blurred that wire-hard teenage look they’d been cultivating.

Janice lent us clothes. I didnae look too bad in her combats
and an old jumper of Angela’s but the twins were dead skinny. Plus of course their fashion sense was mortified. Janice had two looks: semi-smart for her social work job and weekend stuff which was edgy for someone her age but, as far as the twins were concerned, might as well have been their granny’s.

Check this
, said Mona, hoisting up a navy blue skirt and folding it over about ten times round her waist.
Ah look like
a nun
.

And ah’m like an auld hippy or something
. Rona picked distastefully at a crocheted top.

Good excuse for you to go shopping, girls
. Janice rummled through Angela’s side of the wardrobe.
Nope, that looks like the
best we can do. Look, I’ll take you out this afternoon to get some
underwear and a few basics, put it on my plastic till the insurance
pays out. Patrick’s plane is due in at seven. What time’s your daddy
getting out, Fiona? Did they say?

We’ve to phone after 12. Jas is gaun with me to collect him
.

Great. We’ll hit the shops this afternoon and meet you back here
.

I looked at Janice, amazed at her lightness, feeling anger begin to rise. We could of been killed last night and she was wittering about underwear. Then I caught a glimpse of her face as she folded a sweater, smoothing it gently as she would of stroked Evie’s cheek. She was biting her lip, hard.

The nurse was Irish, with a thin face and a strand of lank fairish hair escaping fae her cap.
Mr O’Connell? He’s ready for
you, but Doctor wanted a quick word first
. She looked at me and Jas.
You’re his daughter?

Aye.

Is Mrs O’Connell
…

My mammy’s dead.

I’m sorry … I’ll just get Doctor
.

A woman of about forty, wearing a white coat over a green sweater and smart dark trousers, walked out of the ward, holding a chart.

You’re Mr O’Connell’s daughter
… she glanced at his notes where I was listed as next of kin …
Fiona?

Aye
.

She motioned us intae a corner away from the nurses’ station. Jas waited at a slight distance.

How old are you Fiona?

Seventeen.

And your mother is dead?

A year and … four month ago.

I’m sorry. Look, your father is fine – pretty frail and weepy but
no real harm done after last night.

That’s good.

But I’m a bit concerned about his general condition. Seems very
thin, run down, not very
… she looked awkward …
not looking
after himself
.

My face flamed.
He’s just given up
.

I know this is very hard for you. Is he drinking too much?

I nodded.

Since your mother’s death?

Aye
.

Have you spoken to him?

No.

Is there anyone in the family he’d listen to?

Dunno. My Auntie Janice mibbe
.

Look, I’d like to refer him to counselling – see if we can give him
some help with the underlying problems. I’ve given him a letter for
his GP. Of course maybe, just maybe, this terrible thing could be a
blessing in disguise. A wake up call for him. Make him realise how
close he came to hurting his family
.

She took my arm.
We also have support services for young people.
For you
.

I shook my heid.
I’m fine
.

Da had tae sleep on the settee in the living room at Janice’s. The next morning was mental, all of us trying tae find time in the bathroom. Janice was amazing, but.

I’m timing yous all in the bathroom – less than five minutes you
get a chocolate croissant for breakfast, any longer and it’s porridge
instead
.

Angie made a face.
And you seriously don’t want to taste Jan’s
porridge
.

The threat of porridge meant that even the twins managed to get out in time but we were still falling over each other, and during the next few weeks I started tae spend mair time at Jas’s. We were in the final rundown to the exams – we had to get portfolios and dissertations completed and sent away and I couldnae work at Janice’s. On the nights Jas wasnae at the shop, we’d go to the library after school to study then heid round to his about six. Their flat was always like a furnace; Jas’s ma loved to have the heating and fires turned up high. Jas and she would always go through the same routine.

Jaswinder, shut the door, don’t let in the cold fae the close
.

Ma, it’s tropical in here.

I’ve been cooking.

It must be a hundred degrees.

It’s a cold night outside.

Have you never heard of global warming?

I loved going intae their kitchen after the chill of the under-heated library. The smell of home-cooked food, the radio tuned to the Asian music station and Jas’s ma, pinny over her sari and woolly jumper.

Now you sit down, Fiona. You must be starving after all that
homework
.

I liked being there, just the three of us. After the first couple of times I began tae relax in her presence; that feeling of being at hame, of being at one with Jas, started tae happen when the three of us were thegether, as if Jas’s ma was an extension of us. There was a softness in the way they looked at each other, the affection they showed. He’d put his haund on her shoulder when she stood at the sink, or she’d caress the back of his airm when she got up fae her seat and it wasnae obvious or precious in any way, just ordinary. She was never possessive, seemed really happy that Jas and me were thegether, treated me almost like a daughter, but there was a bond between them that was just there, necessary. Sitting in the warmth of the kitchen with Jas and his ma, the atmosphere was so dreamlike, I’d almost forgotten the reality of my life, so when I opened Janice’s door to find angry voices coming fae the living room it took me a minute tae come to.

Da was slumped in an armchair, that hang-dog helpless expression I couldnae bear plastered across his face. I’d only ever seen it once or twice when Mammy was alive but since her death it had become mair characteristic of him than anything else. Janice held a bit of official-looking paper in her haund. She looked round when I came in, pressed her lips thegether as if stopping herself from speaking.

Angie got up fae her seat.
Hi Fiona
, she said.
I’ll just go and
check on Evie
.

When she’d left, Janice turned to my da and said,
Do you
want to explain this to Fiona yourself?

He looked across at me without meeting my eyes, then shook his heid.

What is it?

Let’s sit down
. Janice put her airm round me and we sat on the settee opposite my da.

I’ve been trying to help your da get the flat sorted out, but when
I contacted the insurance company it turns out he’s let the policy
lapse
.

How d’you mean?

He stopped paying the policy a couple of month after your mammy
died
.

There’s no insurance?

Janice shook her heid.

I sat for a minute, letting her words sink in, trying tae work out what this would mean.

So … we won’t get back the stuff that got burned – the furniture
and all that?

I didnae care about the furniture and anyway, I knew we’d get by somehow.

Worse. It’s not just the contents policy – there’s no buildings insurance
either
.
No money to restore the building
. She paused.

I still didnae get it. In my heid I was imagining Jas and Patrick helping out, Da getting his pals round tae fix up the woodwork and the rewiring and the plastering and all that stuff – they’d know enough guys could dae favours and we’d all pull thegether. There was the prize money too – we could use that tae replace the basics and anyhow, Janice wouldnae let things fall apart.

You won’t be able to go hame
.

That’s when it hit me. The flat where we’d all been brought up wasnae just a building that could be done up again, it was hame. The love that had been put intae it had made it hame, Mammy’d made it hame, and since she’d been gone it wasnae hame any mair. And it never would be again.

Something inside me shattered intae a million icy jaggy glass shards and exploded out ontae that broken man sitting there.

How could you? Mammy would never of let this happen. If you’d
died she’d of managed, she’d never of sat there wallowing in self-pity
like you, drinking yoursel intae a stupor, letting the bloody hoose go
on fire. You’re useless, naw, you’re worse than useless
.

I suppose it was bound tae have come out sooner or later but I wish it hadnae.

I wish it was you that died. I wish you were deid
. Janice tried tae hold me back as I ran out the room but I was that blind with rage and grief nothing would of stopped me.

I started tae run, at first in a heidlong rush then gradually my pace settled tae a jog. I was a good runner, no much of a sprinter but steady at middle and long distances, and it was great tae sense the night air nip my cheeks, feel my heart pound and the blood surge round my body. Helped tae block out the mad jumble of thoughts in my heid. At first I just ran, taking streets at random. Naebody paid me any attention; it was only about eight o’clock and I probably looked like a real jogger in my hoodie and trainers. Then I found mysel slowing doon, thinking about my direction. I wanted tae go back to Jas’s, to that warmth and homeliness, but I couldnae – I knew where I was heided, though as I got nearer the dread rose in me.

Fae the outside of the building, in the dark, there wasnae much difference. Our windaes were smeared and manky but the lights were on in other flats. I imagined the Flanagans, clocked in fronty the telly wi cups a tea, Jean and Betty knitting away and Suzy on the first flair getting her baby tae bed. The students had nae curtains in their living room and one
of them was at the windae, talking on his mobile. I felt sick inside. We’d never be able tae live there again, I’d never make the dinner in the kitchen, sleep in my bedroom.