Being a Teen (20 page)

People who have been sexually abused respond in different ways. Some victims recover relatively quickly, others may go on to feel depressed, fearful, dirty, self-hating, or even suicidal for some time after the experience. Some try to numb their pain by cutting themselves.

If you were abused in childhood, it could be confusing for you to move ahead with new romantic relationships, even with a loving and trustworthy partner. Sexual touching can bring up a mix of conflicting feelings for those who were abused as children, including fear, anger, or physical pleasure interspersed with guilt.

If your abuse was repeated over and over again, you may have developed mental habits that helped you cope with the abuse—such as feeling disconnected from your body, numb,
or dissociated from your surroundings. If you have ever experienced these feelings, it does not mean you are crazy. It’s a sign that you found a mental strategy to help you escape your situation. You are resourceful.

But to heal from your pain you need to get help from an individual who is trained in dealing with victims of sexual abuse.

Resources

If you want to tell an adult you know personally but you can’t tell a parent, you can go to a teacher, school nurse, doctor, religious leader, relative, or family friend. Here are hotlines that help victims of sexual abuse, assault, and incest:

National Child Abuse Hotline: 1–800–4–A-CHILD (1–800–422–4453)

National Coalition Against Sexual Assault: 1–717–728–9764; email:
[email protected]

Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
www.rainn.org

National Sexual Assault Hotline, a service of RAINN: 1–800–656–HOPE(4673)

 … or call 911 and tell the police.

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is a free, confidential service. A live person will provide help over the RAINN website to victims of sexual assault or friends of victims. It works just like instant messaging. You’ll go into a private session with
a trained volunteer and communicate, live, by typing messages back and forth. The service is completely anonymous, and you do not have to give your name or any personal information. You will receive referrals to resources in your area, information on what to expect when you report the crime to the police, answers to your questions about recovering from sexual assault, and more.

In most cases, people will be sympathetic to you if you disclose that you were sexually assaulted. If you are met with an insensitive response, you can keep the following things in mind:

• Being assaulted was not your fault, even if you had been friendly to your attacker.

• Your body, looks, or clothes did not cause or excuse the sexual assault.

• The attack does not reflect on you or your character—it reflects only on the attacker.

• Thinking of the experience simply as an act of violence, and not a sexual experience, may make it easier to discuss with others.

I also suggest you have a parent get in touch with Safe Horizons, a victims’ assistance group that operates in several child-advocacy centers in New York City and at the Childhood Violent Trauma Clinic at Yale University. Safe Horizons has developed a proven (and brief) therapy program for victims and their family members, Call 1–203–785–2540 (Yale Center) or 1–212–227–3000 (New York Center)
www.safehorizon.org

IV

Important Relationships

16.

Family

Families can come in all shapes and sizes. Children may live with one or both biological parents, adoptive parents, stepparents, foster parents, grandparents, or other adult caregivers. They may have two mothers or two fathers or one of each. If anyone teases you about the way your family is, just know that what matters is that there is love. Even if you don’t feel there is love in your family, you are strong, and you can get through it by trying to know who you are and being true to yourself. As you go through life, you will find love in many forms and that will make you even stronger.

Independence

Because of all the changes that go on during puberty and adolescence, there can be more disagreements among family members at that time. There can be a tug-of-war between your need for independence and your need for connection, between being your own person and being intimate with people you care about. You may want more independence, and this may stress your parents.

You might feel like everything is wrong with your parents. It was probably during middle school that you started to want more of your own space and privacy. Your brother or sister bugged you more than before. These feelings can create tension and you may find that there’s more fighting going on between you and family members. You have begun to realize that your parents are not perfect. No, they’re not, and no one else is, either. It can seem as if parents don’t want you to grow up, or don’t hear what you’re trying to tell them.

Understanding Your Parents

You may not always agree with your parents, but try to understand that they are doing the best they can. Parents tend to worry. You may think they worry too much. Part of what’s confusing about puberty and adolescence is that one minute you think that they just don’t understand and should leave you alone and the next minute you want them to put their arms around you and hold you.

It’s not always easy to talk to your parents—especially about personal issues like romance, dating, and sex. If you have a girlfriend or boyfriend you may feel strongly about your privacy and not want your parents to know every detail about your social life. Nonetheless, parents and other family members can often provide guidance. You may need your parents’ cooperation if you are in a tough situation.

Some adults find it hard to talk about sex. They might become embarrassed when it’s time to be direct. It’s not easy for parents to recognize your new thoughts and feelings. But your parents have had lots of experiences and perhaps can be helpful sources of information. Your friends may give you wrong information.

Try to maintain an honest relationship with your parents. Think about how you want to set up a conversation about something important, such as sex. Give your parents a clear message that you have something meaningful to talk about and that you want their support. Don’t just drop hints and hope they get the point. Instead, tell them that you have something important to discuss and you need them to be good listeners. You may have a better chance of creating a helpful and productive dialogue with your parents.

If, for any reason, you don’t feel right talking with your parents about your body and your feelings, find another adult—another relative, your doctor, teacher, coach, or religious leader. Don’t rely just on what your friends tell you. Or the Internet. They may not have the right answers.

Values

Parents can teach you values, and values are very important in life. Values are the strong feelings and beliefs that may guide you throughout your life. Values help you decide how to act in certain situations, how to treat people, what kinds of friends you make. People who live according to their values usually feel better about themselves. People who go against their values often experience guilt and feel bad.

17.

Friends

When you were younger, it was your family who played the biggest role in shaping your identity. Now it is your peers who influence how you make decisions and define yourself. Friends—whether you have them or wish you had them—become a central part of your life.

Choosing Your Friends

Back in
Chapter 2
, I asked you to think about the kind of person you want to be. The friends you choose now can help you become that person if they share your values, or they can do the opposite and lead you down the wrong path. This might happen if you’re trying to fit in with a certain group who
appear to be “in” but engage in risky behaviors. Don’t do anything you feel unsure about just to fit in. Ask yourself why you are doing something, and what you’re afraid might happen if you don’t. Stay true to yourself and ask yourself if your friends are really good influences on you:

• Do your friends reflect your values?

• Do they support you and make you feel good consistently?

• When they criticize you, do they do it constructively or do they tear you down?

Don’t be surprised if your friends change over time—maybe many times. This is very common in middle and high school.

Maybe now is the time to make an effort to find people who are more like you, both girls and guys. Becoming involved in after-school activities—sports, school plays, community youth groups, or camping trips—are good ways to meet new friends.

Changing Friendships

During adolescence it’s expected that friendships will change. Probably you’ve already experienced this—staying friends with some of your schoolmates and neighbors, drifting away from others, losing those who drift away from you, and making new ones.

Friendships change at this time for all kinds of reasons.

• Popularity may become more important to some kids.

•
Interests change.

• Your friends may become interested in having girlfriends or boyfriends and you may not be ready for that.

• You may be jealous of a friend’s new boyfriend or girlfriend because your friend cares less about spending time with you.

• Or the opposite might happen—you might feel new attraction for a special boy or girl before your best friend feels that way.

• You’ll need to make new friends just to be able to talk about all your new feelings.

• Some people might think that your male or female friend is your boyfriend or girlfriend and tease you about it.

• People might tease one another to the point of being mean or picking fights.

• People may want to engage in high-risk behavior like drinking or using drugs.

Tips for Good Relationships: Communication Is Key

Here are a few tips about having a good relationship, whether it’s with a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend:

• It’s best to be honest about how you feel. This doesn’t mean blurting out things that may hurt the other person. But there are ways to tell the truth that are sensitive to the other person’s feelings.

• One way to do that is to focus on your feelings,
making “I” statements rather “you” statements, which make assumptions about the other person. For instance, if you’ve been feeling that your friend is ignoring you, rather than accusing and saying, “You’ve been ignoring me,” or “You don’t like me anymore,” it’s better to speak from your truth and say, “I’ve been feeling kind of left out lately. Why do you think that is? Am I imagining things?” By staying with what you feel, the other person won’t feel accused and be put on the defensive.

• If someone has said something that has hurt you, it’s best not to attack that person. Instead, make it clear that the comment—not the person—hurt your feelings and explain why.

Confrontation

If the group you want to be part of is mean to you and isolates you, find other friends. I know that it can be hard to get out of relationships that are abusive. You convince yourself to stay because they are nice to you sometimes. But you deserve to have true friends who help you feel good consistently, friends you can have fun with.

Try choosing one person in the group you feel the most comfortable with and consider telling him or her you know what is going on, that it hurts you, and you’d rather find other friends. This is much better than trying to stifle your feelings and pretending everything is just fine. You can make your true self stronger by staying with the truth.

But as you mature, it is also important to understand that almost all relationships are messy sometimes. Conflict is normal in life. Confrontation, as long as it is nonviolent and not mean, can be a great way to clear the air—much healthier than pretending all is well. It is not your job to “make nice” if an honest confrontation is what’s needed! By confrontation, I am talking about using honest, cooperative words.

I know it can be scary to confront “friends” who have been mean, especially for girls, because close friendships are what adolescent girls’ lives are so much about. You’re afraid you’ll end up being alone. I remember when I finally got up the nerve to confront my best friend in high school because she was ganging up against me with another girl. I was so scared because I really didn’t have many other close friends. She didn’t speak to me for a week or so, but then we got back together again, and, in fact, our friendship was even stronger.

Here is something I have learned over my lifetime and through many relationships: Sometimes a relationship becomes stronger when two people have confronted each other with whatever the problem is and worked it through. I can’t help thinking of the exercise equivalent: When you lift weights to make your muscles stronger, tiny, microscopic tears (rips so small you could see them only under a microscope) occur in the muscle fiber. It takes forty-eight hours for the tears to mend (which is why you should not work the same muscles two days in a row) and, when they mend, scar tissue forms and makes the muscle stronger than it was before. Love and friendship can work the same way—become stronger when disagreements have been talked through and resolved.

18.

Bullying

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is very different from having disagreements with your friends. Some people may not be nice—at least at this time in their lives. Maybe they don’t feel good about themselves and are mean to others. These people sometimes become bullies. Maybe you have even been a bully.