Being a Teen (15 page)

Disembodiment/Disassociation in Girls

It is essential to a girl’s well-being that she knows and can experience what she is feeling. Researchers of girls’ psychology have written that one cannot “cut off one kind of desire without affecting another.” A girl’s ability to love herself and to know what she wants will be reduced if she has cut off her feelings of sexual desire, and “then becomes especially vulnerable to the power of others’ feelings as well as to what others say she does and does not want or feel.” (Deborah L. Tolman,
Dilemmas of Desire: Teenage Girls Talk About Sexuality,
Cambridge, MA; Harvard University Press, 2002, pg. 21.)

If a girl is clear about her body’s feelings, she will know when things between her and her partner are heating up too
much and will know when to stop. She will be more able to talk about how she is feeling with her partner in a way that includes how she feels and that makes it possible to discuss then how both people feel. Sex won’t “just happen.”

How Do You Know the Correct Technique?

You might feel confused about how to please a sexual partner. When you are new at something, you naturally wonder if you are doing things right. But remember, there is no sexual technique that pleases everyone the same way. What turns you on has a lot to do with feelings, intentions, and fantasies. All of these relate to what is going on in your brain. So don’t worry too much about exactly where or how to touch someone. Don’t think about sex as though it is an achievement test you’ll be graded on. Pleasurable sex is impossible if you’re burdened with performance anxiety. There is no mechanical function, no button to push, that guarantees sexual arousal. Rather, satisfying sexual experiences are about feeling turned on, relaxed, present in your body, and safe in the relationship.

Pay Attention

Never move so fast during outercourse that you don’t notice if it is mutually pleasurable. You can say something like, “Is this okay?” when you aren’t sure about what your partner feels. Do not assume that because someone is quiet that he or she is comfortable with your actions. Some people become too
intimidated to say that they want you to stop. Some people freeze up and stop communicating when they feel anxious or uncomfortable.

It is not always easy to tell if a girl is turned on. If she is tense, scared, or not turned on by her partner, intercourse can hurt. Only when a girl is aroused does her vagina relax and lubricate naturally. If you are not ready—either because you don’t want to be doing it or because your partner has not been generous and taken sufficient time with outercourse—you should say so and stop.

Don’t Fake It

Think about what having emotionally safe sex means. Some people work so hard at acting sexy or pleasing their partner, they do not give enough attention to their own true feelings or vulnerabilities. If you are putting on an act or “going through the motions” when you are engaged in a sexual activity, you are undermining your relationship and your self-esteem. Try to notice what your body is telling you at such times. As I have just said, there are often physical signs that reveal emotional truths such as discomfort or happiness. Notice whether you feel tension in your muscles or whether you feel relaxed. Observe whether your breathing is shallow or deep. Be aware if there are any little thoughts you are trying to push out of your mind. These internal clues may help you recognize if you truly are comfortable with what you are doing or who you are with. And if you are not truly turned on, stop what you are doing. Maybe you are with the wrong person. Maybe the person
you’re with doesn’t care enough to pay attention to how you are feeling.

Waiting until you establish emotional intimacy is not prudish or old-fashioned; it just makes good sense. You can avoid having unprotected or unsatisfying sex by giving yourself time.

Common Questions and Issues

She Only Wants to Be Friends!

In talking with high school boys, I sometimes hear this: “I treat my girlfriend very nicely. I respect her and don’t force myself on her, but she only sees me as a friend, not someone to go with. She prefers dating the players. What can I do?”

I am very touched by these boys and, to better know how to respond to them, I asked Paul Kivel, who has written many books for and about boys, how he would respond. Paul said, “If they are heterosexual, there are a lot of different kinds of girls out there with many different interests and desires. Just like it takes a while to sort out who your close friends are, it can take a while to sort out who you match with as a boyfriend/girlfriend.”

Paul pointed out that many men these boys know (fathers, uncles, brothers, neighbors, coaches, and so forth) probably don’t fit the “player” stereotype and yet they have found loving partners. In fact, most men don’t actually fit the player model and end up in healthy, loving relationships.

“Relationships cannot last and be close and loving unless both people can be themselves and express their feelings to
each other,” Paul said. So, to those boys who feel bad because girls don’t view them as “players,” I say, “Be patient. Be who you are and you are likely to find, sooner or later, the right love for you … one with integrity, respect, and intimacy.”

All of this is true for girls as well.

Girls: What If You Don’t Have an Orgasm?

Not everyone has an orgasm every time she engages in vaginal intercourse. This can be because she doesn’t feel safe or comfortable with her partner or she doesn’t feel confident enough to be relaxed. Perhaps she hasn’t been sufficiently aroused during outercourse.

Many women are unable to have an orgasm with vaginal intercourse alone and require stimulation of the clitoris, the most sensitive part of a woman’s vaginal area, in order to orgasm. In some women, the clitoris isn’t close enough to the opening of the vagina to be stimulated by the penis during intercourse.

If a man has not had an orgasm but his partner has and wants to stop, the man can masturbate himself (or ask his partner to masturbate him) until he reaches orgasm. (Or he can simply allow his erection to subside.) A woman could do the same.

Boys: What If You Can’t Get an Erection?

There are many reasons that a man doesn’t get an erection when he is expected to. It may be the wrong time, the wrong partner, he may be nervous because this really matters to him, he may have had too much to drink or be on drugs, or he may be taking a medication that prevents his getting an erection.
Many fine lovers fail to get an erection sometimes. It may also mean that the person a man is with is so important to him that he freezes up. Or it can mean you are not the right partners for each other.

Pregnancy

A female can become pregnant anytime a couple has vaginal intercourse unless she’s already pregnant. No matter how regular her menstrual cycle seems to be, a female can never know for sure that neither of her ovaries has released an egg. An ovum can live twelve to twenty-four hours after ovulation, and sperm can live in the vagina or uterus for three to five days. Sperm in the vagina before you have intercourse can fertilize an egg that comes into the uterus after intercourse, so there is a period of several days during each cycle when you can become pregnant. That’s a lot of time in which the sperm and egg can meet. Sperm don’t even have to start within the vagina—if any semen lands on a female’s vulva, sperm can swim into the vagina through her lubricant.

In
Chapter 13
we’ll look at all the ways you and your partner can avoid pregnancy if you are sexually active and, if pregnancy does occur, what decisions the two of you might make. We’ll be talking about safer sex and avoiding sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in
Chapter 14
.

Resources

• Go Ask Alice!: This website, run by Columbia University, is a great resource for teens to ask questions online and get honest answers about sex, relationships, and health in general. You can write in your own question and you can read others’ questions.
www.goaskalice.columbia.edu

• Love Is Respect: This organization is dedicated to engaging, educating, and empowering youth and young adults to prevent and end abusive relationships. In addition to the helpful information on their website, they have the National Dating Abuse Helpline, which teens can access 24/7 through online chat, text, or phone. Text
LOVE IS
to 77054 or call 1–866–331–9474.
www.loveisrespect.org
www.loveisrespect.org/about-national-dating-abuse-helpline

• Break the Cycle: Empowering Youth to End Domestic Violence:
www.breakthecycle.org

• Love Is Not Abuse:
www.loveisnotabuse.com

12.

Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Sexual Orientation

Sexual orientation describes who a person is sexually attracted to. Sexual orientation is just one part of who a person is.

People who are sexually attracted to people of the other sex are called
heterosexual
or “straight.” People who are sexually attracted to someone of the same sex are called
homosexual
or “gay.” Women who are sexually attracted to other women also refer to themselves as
lesbians
. Some people are
bisexual
or “bi,” meaning that they are sexually attracted to people of both sexes. People who are simply not “straight” but do not fit into any of these categories exclusively may also refer to themselves as “queer.” People who are still trying to figure out their sexual identity sometimes refer to themselves as
questioning.
Thus the acronym LGBTQ stands for “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or questioning” and includes all people who do not identify as straight or heterosexual.

Gender Identity

Heterosexual people are born feeling comfortable being the gender they appear to be and they are attracted to people of the opposite sex. They can flirt and date openly without being harassed; they can have children together; it is they who are most commonly represented in the mainstream media.

Some people feel that they’ve been born with an incorrectly assigned gender. A biological man feels more like a woman or vice versa. These people are
transgender
or “trans.”

Sexual orientation
describes who you are attracted to, whereas
gender identity
describes who you feel you are. One describes a sexual impulse toward something external, and the other is an internal identity. As a trans friend of mine puts it, “Gender identity is who you want to see in your mirror. Sexuality is who you want to hold hands with on the Ferris wheel.” I will write more about trans youth later in this chapter.

Not Being Heterosexual Is Not a Matter of Choice

Being gay, lesbian, or bisexual is sometimes referred to as a lifestyle or a choice. This is not true. We don’t choose our sexual orientation or our sexual identity.

Scientists today believe that sexual orientation is a natural
trait, just like a person’s body type or hair color. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “Most scientists today agree that sexual orientation is most likely the result of a complex interaction of environmental, cognitive, and biological factors.… There is also considerable … evidence to suggest that biology, including genetic or inborn hormonal factors, play[s] a significant role.”

The APA also says, “Homosexuality is not an illness. It does not require treatment and is not changeable.” In fact, the association states that therapy to try to make gay people straight or make trans people change the way they feel can harm them psychologically. The most recent survey, conducted in 2012 by Gallup, suggests that 6.4 percent of people ages eighteen to twenty-nine identify as gay.

Not So Different from “Straight” People

On some level, it is odd to have a separate chapter on this subject because all the subjects in this book are relevant to gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender teenagers. No matter your sexual orientation or gender identity, you will feel similar excitement (and worries) when you become attracted to someone. You will wonder if the person likes you back. You could fret about the right time to reveal your feelings. You might find it awkward to move ahead with sexual behaviors or talk about safer sex. These are experiences just about everybody shares.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender people are more like “straight” people than they are different. They can be any
age, race, religion, or background, and may have any job you can imagine. They may fall in love with and share their entire lives with another person, just as straight people do.

They can have their own children or adopt and provide as stable and loving a family as a straight couple can. Some U.S. states recognize same-sex marriage, and many more allow gay people to adopt children. If gay partners choose not to adopt children, they can have biological children of their own. A lesbian couple can use donated sperm to become pregnant, or a female friend might agree to become pregnant with the sperm from a gay male couple.

Children raised in same-sex families are no different from those who live with both a female and a male parent, with one biological and one stepparent, with adoptive or foster parents, with separated or divorced parents, or with a single parent. They’re no different from children raised by grandparents or other relatives or even family friends. Families come in all forms.

What’s important is that the children are well loved and cared for. Having a baby requires enormous amounts of time, attention, and resources. Many gay and trans people are wonderful, loving parents who relish the opportunity to raise families.

Can Sexual Orientation Shift Over Time?

Like many other things about sex, homosexuality disturbs some people. This is why teens might worry about any attraction they may ever feel toward somebody of the same sex. The
thought of being gay might really not fit with how you always imagined yourself and your life. You might wonder what your family would think, and if they would still love you, if you were gay.