Being a Boy (5 page)

So how can we maximise our facial appeal? It’s tricky, because your face is your face. My advice is this: accept what it is like now. The sooner the better. Your face is in the process of changing, so just go with it. You can’t hold back the rain, you can’t change what your face looks like. It’s worth remembering it’s the wonky bits that people find interesting.

Here are some tips on how to make the best of what nature gave you to maximise your pulling potential:

1. TEETH:
Never ever, ever underestimate the power of a smile. In the UK, people under sixteen are entitled to free dental care – USE IT. If you have to wear braces or retainers, get it over with while everyone else is in the same awkward stage, too.

Brush and floss twice a day. There is an odd satisfaction to flossing out a really big bit of food, don’t you think? I dare you to sniff it, too – it’s RANK. Use mouthwash too if you can. Bad breath is one of those things that can stick to someone’s reputation like chewing gum on your shoe. Don’t let it happen to you.

2. SKIN:
During puberty your poor little body, all a-dither, may start to overproduce oil called sebum (everyone makes this – it keeps your skin soft), which can block your skin’s pores. These blocked pores can become infected, leading to a zit.

Everyone is going to get spots. I have one right now. But what if it’s more serious than that? We’re not just talking a few spots here, we’re talking about a serious condition called acne. Your doctor will be super-sensitive about this and current thinking is, ‘let’s sort it young’, so they will be able to help.

You don’t have to spend a fortune on skin products, you just need to keep your skin clean as you can. The best advice is to wash your face twice a day using a gentle cleansing soap. There, that was easy wasn’t it?

As tempting as it is – don’t squeeze zits or blackheads! I know, I LOVE popping a really ripe one, but ‘health advisors’ frown on it because it can cause scarring and further outbreaks by spreading the pus around. Nice.

Having spots, blackheads or acne has NOTHING to do with how much chocolate you eat or how clean you are. Spots are caused by bacteria called Propionibacterium acnes.

Over-washing, scrubbing, exfoliating and moisturising aren’t great for oily, spot-prone skin so step away from the hydrochloric acid and sandpaper.

3. TO BEARD OR NOT TO BEARD:
When I was at school, beards were the sole property of Geography teachers and dirty old men. But times change, and sometimes beards and stubble are way hot. However this doesn’t mean facial hair is right for everyone.

Growing a decent beard is actually dependent on having shaved for a few years first to cultivate proper beard hair. Otherwise you end up with what I call a ‘hick beard’ – sad, downy whiskers, not unlike newborn hamster fur.

figure c

Unless you can grow a decent beard, (see figure c). I’d give it a miss.

1. Shave after a bath or shower as this makes irritation less likely. Failing that, soak your face with warm water.
   
2. You need only shave if there’s something to shave off. Cover the hairy area, or ‘hairea’, with shaving foam or gel.
   
3. Using a clean, new razor blade gently but firmly shave in the direction the hair grows in. Going against the growth will cause stubble rash.
   
4. When finished, rinse and check you haven’t missed bits. Be extra careful shaving around the lips, jawline, spots and moles.
   
5. Don’t shave patterns. You’ll look like a dick.
   
6. Always use some sort of shaving balm as this makes stubble rash less likely.
   
7. Never apply aftershave straight away, unless you like feeling as if your face is on fire.
   

Electric shavers are also a great starter tool as you’re much less likely to cut yourself.

The age at which you need to start shaving totally varies according to how hairy you are. Everyone is different, everything is normal. For some young men, it could be as young as eleven, but you might not need to start until you’re much older.

H
ow many hours do you think are lost to people worrying about their weight? I expect it’s a number no human could comprehend. If we weren’t all so worried about our weight I think we’d have invented time machines and cured cancer by now.

Everyone worries about their weight. Even super-super ripped buff muscle guys are constantly watching what they eat – in fact, they’re the worst because they understand alien concepts like ‘muscle mass’ and ‘fat percentages’. It’s a general rule that everyone in the world will at any given time think they’re too fat or too thin.

Which would you rather have? The good news or the bad news? You can pick which you read first.

THE BAD NEWS:
If you want an insanely good body with a six-pack and big muscles you will have to WORK. The ONLY WAY you can have a body like that is through daily exercise and a top-notch diet. No one is born with a body like that. If they tell you they don’t work out they are LYING. If you want an excellent body you cannot sit on the sofa five nights a week eating sweets, cake and chips.

THE GOOD NEWS:
Working out and exercising is really good for you and fun. Yeah, you have to find the energy and work out what kind of exercise you like, but there’s something for everyone. With regular exercise you’ll see results pretty quickly AND exercise has a positive impact on your mental health too. A healthy, balanced diet will make you FEEL better also.

MORE GOOD NEWS:
People will still want to shag you however big or small you are! (They don’t tell you that at school do they?)

MORE BAD NEWS:
Problems come when people are unhealthy. By that I mean people who are very underweight or very overweight. Malnourishment is not sexy and neither is morbid obesity. It’s because we’re programmed to find healthy sexual partners. Forget people wanting to have sex with you though, this is more important – it’s about being healthy for yourself. I am not an expert on nutrition or eating disorders, but there are lots of them out there and they will help you if you ask. Check out
the School Dictionary
at the back of the book for more information.

It’s not rocket science. Eat the right stuff, move about loads.

R
emember earlier we talked about the peacocks in the human zoo, the gorgeous show-offs? There’s a little bit of peacock in all of us, and why not? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good. However, there is nothing more boring than really, really hot guys who talk about nothing other than the gym and protein shakes. Nothing is less sexy than vanity.

‘Tabloid culture’ has changed how we view men’s bodies. Until about a decade ago, we rarely saw semi-naked male bodies in the mainstream media. As we became hungrier for celeb flesh, actors, singers and sportsmen increasingly became models too.

Celebs may start off quite normal, even though they are famous, but then something strange happens. They start getting ad deals and posing in their underpants. These guys always have smooth, hairless bodies; deep, golden tans; dyed hair; sparkling white teeth.

Gradually the bodies of these guys have become the blueprint that all men want to adhere to.

This is obviously a generalisation. At any given time there are numerous style and body icons to look to, but invariably many sportsmen, film actors, musicians and models have been plucked, waxed, sprayed and dyed in exactly the same way.

The last twenty or so years have seen an exponential growth of the ‘male beauty’ industry and now men, after many years of sexist imbalance, can also understand the stress of chasing the impossible road-runner of physical perfection.

As mere mortals we have to choose: Do we want to look fake or like an actual human?

BODY HAIR:
You’d be hard pressed to find a chest hair on an actor and yet men grow hair there. It even sprouts out of your nipples.

If you don’t want body hair, you’ll have to pay someone to wax it all off, which is painful, or shave it, but note that chest stubble is as sexy as it sounds. The much-maligned hairy back is also a reality for most men. Let’s do some PR on back hair. Instead of ‘back hair’, let’s call it a ‘glossy coat’ or ‘man-fur’. The media shouldn’t be allowed to get away with feeding you lies every single day, but I’m afraid they do.

We now have a double-double standard. For years sexist male pigs criticised women for having hairy legs or armpits. These days, they still do, but it works both ways. Sexist female pigs now react in horror to back and bum hair. (Yes, most men have somewhat hairy bums, too.) Why don’t we all just chill out and accept that we evolved from monkeys?

PUBES:
You don’t have to trim your pubes, but I encourage you to do it. A little pubic topiary will help keep everything down there a bit cleaner and it will make your dick look bigger – not that size really matters.

TANNING:
Much as with your face and your body hair I need you go to a mirror and find peace with the colour of your skin. All skin colours are cool whether it’s ‘alabaster white’ or ‘mocha’ or ‘deep mahogany’ – cheesy authors use these terms all the time because they’re ALL good.

• Fake tan smells of biscuits and looks well, fake. And you will look orange and patchy.
  
• Real or sunbed tanning increases your risk of skin cancer massively.
  

I don’t really know how I can make that clearer.

The most important thing I think I can teach you in this book is this: Unless you have a serious monobrow situation, NEVER, ever pluck your own eyebrows unless you want to look like a startled, off-duty drag queen. If you DO, all power to you, my fabulous friend.

TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS:
I am covered in tattoos, so don’t want to sound like a hypocrite. Like hairstyles and clothes, certain types of body art go in and out of fashion.

Unlike hair styles and clothes tattoos are permanent, unless you want to undergo expensive, potentially painful surgery later to have them removed. In 1999 a ‘tribal band’ was the height of cool, but by 2009 everyone was getting them covered up with ‘sleeve’ tattoos. You guessed it, they too fast became EVERYWHERE and I’m afraid a colourful tattooed sleeve can be remedied only by amputation (or painful and expensive laser removals).

With body art I would suggest UNIQUENESS over absolutely anything else. If you’re serious about getting a tattoo, choose carefully. Who wants to be stuck with a Sporty-Spice-style Chinese lettering tattoo on their back just because the Spice Girls were ‘in’ once upon a time? (And I should know – guess whose back it’s etched on? Sigh.)

Piercings, like tattoos, come in and out of fashion and the trendy bit to get pierced changes rapidly. Unlike tattoos, piercings can be removed and in time, the scars will heal.

Do be wary however, when contemplating both tattoos and piercings, that even now many employers will be put off by visible body modification. Although daft and judgemental, some people have preconceived ideas of people with excessive body art. You have to find the balance between expression and life-hindrance.