Being a Boy (3 page)

CLONED SHEEP

Vast in number, but impossible to tell apart, every sheep is a similar shape, variety and colour. Move in herds, especially in times of danger. Rarely put head above the parapet, lest they end up served with mint sauce.

TRAGIC VOLE

However much he can try to deny it, the vole is prey for just about every animal in the zoo, including some herbivores. Think about it – in what context other than ‘gets eaten by’ would you discuss this creature?

STICK INSECT

You don’t even know he’s there.

This is all in jest of course. Any of us, at any given time, will have characteristics of all of these animals and we certainly alter our behaviour in different situations. But school can bring out the worst in us, and, like it or not, there is a social hierarchy.

S
o, if the most aspirational position is that of insouciant lion, a rare and magnificent breed, how do we earn this rank? Well, that’s the thing. When closely examining people who are truly cool, one thing is clear: They are quietly cool. Cool is as effortless as a granny slipping on an icy path. Being NOISY and cool is more in line with jabbering baboons, who are prone to ‘willy-waggling’.

This term refers to hyper-masculine displays of MANLINESS. Grrrr!
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pounds chest
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eats baby
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. Jabbering baboons in particular will jostle on the greasy ladder to get to the top. They will shout, banter, fight and show off. (Jabbering baboons can be witnessed on any town’s high street at about 11:30 on a Friday night dragging their knuckles along a vommity pavement, kebab entrails dangling from their mouths.) In short, it’s a penis parade: who is the BIGGEST, LOUDEST and STRONGEST dick in the zoo?

To an extent, willy-waggling works. If you declare your own magnificence loudly enough, you might gain a good position on the pole. But would you respect someone who gained this status through noisy thuggery? As willy-waggling is ALWAYS unpleasant to behold, perhaps what the waggler has gained is notoriety instead of cool.

Willy-waggling is a side-effect of insecurity. Observe figure b.

figure b

As you can see, the more insecure a person is the more prone they are to willy-waggling. Insecurity is another way of saying you are worried about being you. If you are anxious that people won’t like or accept you it might make you want to willy-waggle to create a penis-shield to hide your fear. But as mentioned before, observers are more likely to say ‘look at that dick.’ Insecurity is not cool, and willy-waggling will make people think you are an insecure baboon.

Don’t get me wrong, baboons are a brilliant and entertaining part of a zoo visit, but they are nothing compared to the lions. Insouciant lions do not need to willy-waggle. On any trip to the zoo, I have only ever seen lions lounging around in the sun but I still wouldn’t go in the enclosure. The beast has my respect even though he has done nothing. Or has he?

In actual fact, the insouciant lions are doing something. They are doing nothing. Are you with me? By refraining from willy-waggling, they are sending out a clear message that they are secure in themselves. They like themselves therefore you should, too.

Getting people to like you starts with liking yourself.

B
ut change is inevitable. Being angry about the changes that are happening to your body is about as productive as shouting at the clouds on a rainy day.

That said, with so much going on puberty can be a really unsettling time. You’ll welcome some of the changes, after all, who doesn’t love having genitals that now feel like a furry gerbil, but some might be more problematic and cause feelings (remember we discussed feelings?) of insecurity.

The classic example are those angel-faced choirboys who can no longer hit the high notes once their balls drop. (FYI, that phrase is used a lot, but your balls don’t drop very far at all. You won’t be in Asda when a testicle suddenly pops out the bottom of your jeans.)

You may find your body uncooperative physically. As you get bigger you may find yourself less athletic, fast or flexible – a real worry for our high-flying eagles. You will certainly find yourself getting more tired than before as energy is redirected into growth. That said, you may also find unexpected benefits. If you suddenly shoot up to six foot five, a whole new career in basketball might open up to you.

No matter what you pull out of the puberty grab bag, all of these things are a real head trip. Imagine a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, he must be all like, ‘Holy crap, I can fly, you guys!’ He’s become something new, and so have you.

Up to this point, your identity is largely shaped by your parent or carer, but your brain is very much affected by puberty too and you’ll develop a much keener sense of who you are. EVERYONE is undergoing this rapid change and influx of brain chemicals called hormones. Even the insouciant lions are going to feel like very square pegs being squished into round holes.

Go easy on your grown-ups.
This is a tough time for them too.

1. You getting old means they are definitely getting old.

2. They miss the cute baby version of you.

3. You might have very different ideas about your future.

Mum: ‘I really think you should stick with the football team.’

You: ‘I JUST WANT TO WRITE MY EFFING HAIKUS. LEAVE ME ALONE.’

JUST REMEMBER: BEING COOL STARTS WITH LIKING YOURSELF, NO MATTER WHAT CHANGES YOU’RE DEALT.

T
he worst and inevitable part of a social hierarchy is the rule that allows people to get ahead by climbing on top of others. This is called ‘vertical climbing’.

If our zoo was stacked this way, the insouciant lions would be on top, the tragic voles at the bottom and the stick insects tucked away where no one could see them. Upward mobility is possible, of course. As we grow up, things change. No one is stuck. But how do you change your cool status? Not by willy-waggling, obviously.

Here’s an idea then: you could publically target someone with the same status as you. You could then humiliate him, you could spill water on his crotch to make everyone think he peed himself – TIMELESS! HILARIOUS! Or you could put him down to show everyone how cool you are. By comparison you will automatically level up. You can go up the whole ladder this way. Terrorise and trample others at every rung of the ladder until you’ve passed them by.

Hopefully you recognise this is NOT a great idea. This is prime SHITWEASEL behaviour. Sadly, shitweasels exist at every stage of the social ladder. Hard to like and hard to respect, it’s nonetheless a strategy which works. If shitweaseling works somewhere it will spread like wildfire.

Note to shitweasels: If you trample people to get to the top, they will be only too pleased to kick you all the way back down.

This is why bullying is inevitable and depressing. If everyone is trying to get ahead by using insults and attacks, on any given day a boy will be both bully and victim in his quest to get to the top.

Being truly cool is about being secure with yourself and being secure with those around you. If you’re happy being you, you don’t feel the need to put others down anyway.

It is a quick fix to pick on someone’s appearance, gender, background or sexual orientation. You might get a quick laugh, but you will not gain cool. Remember: The lions are cool because they are cool with everyone else. Nothing fazes them.

N
ot the confidence to sign up to be Danny in a terrible stage version of Grease, or the confidence to jump off a bridge on a springy rope over a crocodile-filled river. It’s the confidence that YOU ARE ALREADY COOL. This sounds like utter shite, but just by being yourself and owning it, you are already cool.

You are full of Nerve, Uniqueness, Talent and Skill (or NUTS), you just might not realise it yet. You’ve probably spent most of your school career trying to hide them. Well, no more! Good at tap-dancing? Get on a table and wow people. Know everything there is to know about Doctor Who? Wear that scarf with pride. If you are confident at being you, then nothing anyone does or says can really dent the surface. The daft thing is, it really is that simple. You don’t need to willy-waggle, you just need big NUTS.

I
f you’re feeling fragile, perhaps leave this section for another time. (I’m sorry, but I’m going to get all Serious Sally for the next few minutes.) We’ve accepted that shitweasels and baboons are inevitable, but what if it’s worse than a bit of banter?