Behind the Tears (Behind the Lives) (5 page)

Coffee spilt on her hand, scolding it. She cursed and stuck it under the tap. She didn’t normally lose her cool, but it seemed to be one thing after the other with Ash. And he thought she was the dramatic one. It would’ve been laughable if it didn’t make her want to cry, because she couldn’t do anything right with him.

Dante coughed. Beth looked over the breakfast bar at the back of his head, his hair the same messy waves as Ash’s. Tension ran across his shoulders, his back ram-rod straight. He was tapping the table now, the tempo getting more and more agitated.

She finished rinsing her hand and wiped it on a towel, then picked up her mug and took it to the other end of the table. She sat down, and looked across at Dante. He was staring at the passage doorway as though he was willing Ash to walk through it. Her eyes wandered over his face, so similar to his brother’s, the age difference not noticeable. It was probably because Dante lived life harder; always at one party or another, snorting drugs or downing beer like it was soft drink.

Dante turned to look at Beth. She quickly dropped her gaze, hoping he didn’t think she’d been staring. Usually she was more careful when she observed him, but her emotions were all over the place at the moment, unguarded and strung out. Still, she shouldn’t be looking at him—at all, and especially not at a time like this. But she couldn’t help it! Lately, she’d been wondering what things would’ve been like if she’d asked him out instead of Ash, because he also fascinated her—which was driving her
insane.
She could be furious with him, but still find herself wanting to touch his hair ... his lips ... his body... She dug her nails into her legs to stop her thoughts.

The slamming of a door made her jump. Ash entered the dining-room, leathered up and with his dark sunglasses on, looking ready for work as though nothing had happened. He snatched the packages off the table and grabbed the keys off the breakfast bar, muttering to Dante, “Gotta use your car, mine crapped out last night.” Before she knew it, he’d disappeared out the front door.

Resisting the urge to cry, Beth covered her eyes. But it was her own fault for getting involved with him, because he’d always been slightly removed from everyone, preferring his own company over others. Plus, her brothers had warned her not to hook up with him, Corey being the most vocal of the two, saying that Ash was a thug and a few other unmentionables. She knew Corey hated Ash because of how he treated Sledge, but Ash wasn’t always harsh on Sledge, and when he did completely lose his rag it was only over something serious. In the time she’d been with him that had only happened twice. She frowned, knowing she was making excuses again, because whatever Ash’s reasons for hurting Sledge were, they still didn’t make his behaviour right.

Her curtain of hair was brushed aside, startling her. She glanced up to find Dante leaning over the table. His hand ran down her cheek, his expression concerned. “You alright?”

She stared at him, totally taken aback. No guy had ever looked at her in that way, like they truly cared—and especially not Ash.

“Beth?”

Dante’s voice snapped her back to reality. “Don’t touch me,” she said, smacking his hand away.

“Sorry. You looked upset.”

She glared at him, willing herself to ignore his wounded expression. “Why couldn’t you do the delivery today?”

“You know why I can’t go to the Jones’s house.”

Yeah, she damn well knew why Dante couldn’t deliver there. “Then you shouldn’t have slept with Deano’s wife.”

“Why do ya always hafta bring that up? It happened ages ago, and I told ja enough times that I don’t remember nuthin’ ’bout that night.”

“Cos you were off your face—
as usual
.”

“It’s none of your business what I do—”

“—or who you do,” she finished his sentence. “I don’t need reminding, and you’re wrong, cos it is my business when Ash has to clean up after you.”

Looking sullen, Dante leaned back in his chair. “I wouldn’t have done Carly if I wuzn’t shitfaced.”

“Another pathetic excuse.” Her eyes widened at Dante’s furious expression, his change from apologetic to angry far too sudden.

“I shouldn’t hafta make excuses to you!” he yelled. “You’re not my girlfriend.”

“I-I...”

He sneered. “You’re the pathetic one, hanging around Ash when he obviously doesn’t want you.”

Anger grasped Beth so tight it felt like Dante was squeezing her throat, making her want to scream at him for release, because he was right, she knew it deep down inside that Ash didn’t want her. “What would you know?! You don’t have a clue ’bout my relationship with Ash or about relationships full stop. All you do is have sex, and when you’re not doin’ some floozy, then you’re off drinking, snorting or doin’ the lot. You’re a bloody loser, leeching off your brother!”

Dante got to his feet, pushing his chair backwards, the crash resounding through the room. “I’m not a loser! I pull my weight round this place. For fuck’s sake, ever since Nike quit working for us, I’ve been the one dealing with the cokeheads.” He pointed a finger at her. “And I can fuck whoever I damn well please, it has got nuthin’ to do with you. And why the hell would you care anyway?”

“I-I don’t,” she said, shocked by his reaction. His right hand was fisting as though he wanted to slam into her face, her chest, her heart... She got up and moved around the table, using it as a barrier between them. He followed, making her back up into the glass sliding door. She lifted her hands instinctively. He pushed them down and moved in close—too close, and not like she wanted, his intimidating stance far from erotic. She’d seen him do this to people he wanted to scare, and right now, she knew it worked.

He bared his teeth. “Just cos you think I’m shit, doesn’t mean other females do.”

“I di-didn’t mean...” She flinched as he raised a hand.

He placed it on the glass door. “And you think
I’m
vulgar? At least I don’t scream my head off so the whole neighbourhood can hear me fucking.”

Feeling ashamed, Beth dropped her gaze. She’d wanted Dante to hear her having sex—wanted to turn him on. She didn’t know how she could do that to Ash, even more so because she loved him, but ... she loved Dante too. She’d never loved two guys at the same time before, didn’t think it was possible until she’d met the Ratas.

“Look at me,” Dante growled.

Beth shook her head.

“Am I that repulsive?” he said, running a finger between her breasts, parting her kimono.

Beth breathed in sharply, shocked that he was touching her so intimately.

His thumb brushed her hard nipple. “Looks like that’s a no.”

A thrill ran through her body, her reaction to his touch terrifying her just as much as his expression. “Don’t touch me!” she said, pushing his hand away.

A mean smile played across his lips. “I don’t believe it, you’re actually turned on.” His hand moved to her other nipple.

She slapped it away. “It’s cold, you arrogant jerk.”

His eyes danced with amusement. “You remind me of a chick I used to know. She insulted me all the time. You wanna know how I got her to stop?” When Beth didn’t reply, he lowered his head, so close that she thought he was going to kiss her. He stopped within a breath of her mouth. “I fucked her. Is that why you insult me? You want me to fuck you?”

“No,” she said, her voice barely a squeak.

“Say it with more feeling.”

She shoved at his chest, desperate to get distance between them. “I wouldn’t have sex with you.”

“I didn’t say you would, just that you want to.”

I do! Fuck, I do! Please go away...

He ran a hand down her leg.

Go away!

“No answer?” he said as his fingers delved under her kimono. “So, how do you want it? Hard or brutal? Yeah,
brutal
, cos you’re a screamer.”

“Don’t touch me,” she said too softly, his hand distracting her.

“Don’t touch me,”
he mimicked as his hand parted her thighs. “Say it with more feeling,
slut
.”

“I’m not a slut!”

“Then don’t call me one either!” he yelled into her face.

No longer able to take it, she shoved at his chest again, screaming out when it made no difference, “You
are
a slut!”

“Takes one to know one.”

“Liar! I don’t screw everyone in sight, not caring if they belong to someone else.”

He flinched. “I’m not a cheat.”

“Did I hit a nerve?” she said, feeling triumph she’d found something that upset him.

“No.”

“Say it with more feeling,
slut
,” she said, flinging his words back at him.

“I’m not a slut!”

“Yes, you are! You screwed Deano’s wife right in front of me, on the same bloody bed!”

He jerked back. “What?”

She swallowed down her fear, the memory still humiliating her. “I wuz at that party. I felt sick, so I went to lie down. I woke up to find you having sex with that horrible woman right next to me.”

A whoosh of air left his mouth, like she’d punched him in the gut—or shot him in the heart. He took a step back and shook his head, his eyes pleading with her to tell him it wasn’t true. They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, neither one of them saying a word. Beth finally broke the silence, her discomfort growing with every breath.

“I thought you did it on purpose to upset me,” she said.

“Why would I do that for?” His face dropped. “Jesus, I didn’t do you too, did I?”

“No!”

“Is that why you hate me?” he said, his voice breaking.

No, it’s why I want you.
Ever since that night; she day-dreamed about Dante being with her instead of Carly, waking up to him on top of her—naked. She would fight against him, but he’d overpower her, forcing her to do what he wanted. She’d even asked Ash to take her roughly while she fought back, trying to stop him in the same way she’d fantasised about Dante. Ash had looked at her horrified, like she was disturbed, so she never asked again.

Dante raised his hands to his head. “Stop lookin’ at me like that, I didn’t do it on purpose. Jesus!” He glanced up at the ceiling, his expression pained. “I just... I don’t wanna remember things, so I get off my face, and when I’m off my face, I usually end up in someone’s bed. I tell myself not to take that shit, but I can’t stop myself.” He dropped his gaze. “You’re right, I am repulsive, a slut, and whatever other names you wanna call me.”

Beth stared at him, not knowing how to handle his hurt reaction.

His jaw clenched. “All the good females treat me like scum. Like you, Lavinia and Kara.
Kara
...” He shook his head. “I actually thought she wanted me for more than a shag, but nope, she went off with some lawyer. She lives in Remuera now. It figures she’d find someone rich with
her
looks.”

Beth didn’t know who Kara or Lavinia were, and she didn’t want to either, instead she was more interested in what he’d said about her. “You think I’m good?”

His brows furrowed. “Yeah, that’s why Ash is with you. He always gets the good females. Me, I drive them away.”

She wanted to hug him, to tell him those women weren’t worth his time since they were too stupid to see how wonderful he was.

He continued talking, like he was purging his soul. “I don’t understand what I do wrong. They tell me they’re fine with me being rough, then they get all upset when I follow through. And it’s not like they don’t know what I’m like to start with. Is that why you didn’t ask me out? Cos of my rep?”

“Why do ya think I would’ve asked you out?”
Although I did seriously consider it, but kept changing my mind, not sure whether I wanted you or Ash more.
But God, I want you more than anything now.

“Me and Ash look the same, but you still chose him over me. Why? You’re my age, not his.”

“My friends said you’re a player,”
and that Ash was a one woman man. But was that ‘one’ woman me or his ex?

“Only cos I don’t have a chick like you. Even though you treat me like shit, I wished you’d asked me instead of Ash.” He pulled a face, like he’d said something he shouldn’t have. “I just want...”  He swore, then grabbed her face.

Beth went still, too shocked to move, his mouth practically devouring hers, his kissing much rougher than Ash’s. And he tasted different too, a hint of mochaccino ghosting his breath, and...
Oh God
... His hand slipped under her kimono and grasped her breast, no teasing involved, just raw desire as he kneaded it and plucked at her nipple so hard she wanted to come.

“I would treat you right,” he murmured against her lips.

Beth remained still, too scared and excited to stop him, and not wanting to either. He took a hold of her kimono and yanked it down to her waist, the belt the only thing stopping it from falling to the floor. Beth shivered as he kissed down her neck and over her collarbone, then sucked in a breath as his mouth latched onto her bare breast, momentarily forgetting where she was.

He tore at her belt, dropping her kimono to the floor. Now completely naked, her dazed eyes shifted to the picture on the wall. A photo of a teenage Ash stood dressed in rugby gear, his frown a contradiction to the winning trophy in his hands. She closed her eyes, guilt hitting her hard. Ash didn’t deserve this, but...