BEHIND THE CURTAIN BEHIND THE CURTAIN BEHIND THE CURTAIN (6 page)

The Tonight Show’s Cheers
episode wasn’t all bad. Television train wrecks rarely are. Twenty-two million people were watching that night, making it the highest-rated show in Jay’s twenty-two-year run. It did much better than the
Friends
finale episode in 2004 (12.6 million viewers), which featured Jay and the show’s cast from their set in Burbank. So does that make the NBC executives geniuses? Yes, actually. If the ratings had tanked, the suits would have been blamed, so they deserve the credit for the stellar ratings. The experience also taught us an important lesson: all great shows start with great ideas, but not all great ideas lead to great shows.

We also learned a lesson from another humiliating disaster: never trust Howard Stern. In 1995, the radio shock jock was booked to promote a tawdry new book. Always the showman, he walked out to the strains of Miss America, flanked by two busty women dressed in tiny pink bikinis. Then he announced the women, who were actually porn stars, would stage “the first
Tonight Show
lesbian kiss,” which they did. Later he performed “the first
Tonight Show
spanking” with one of the women, as some audience members, mostly Howard’s fans, howled in support.

We were as surprised by this tasteless stunt as the audience. Howard had hidden the women in his dressing-room bathroom prior to coming out on stage. Jay was absolutely furious and even walked off the set for the first and only time, although it was never seen on air. Backstage, he lit into Howard’s executive producer Gary Dell’Abate for pulling off such a shameful and disrespectful act.
Tonight Show
executive producer Debbie Vickers warned Howard during the commercial break that his antics would not make air, and Jay repeated her warning on air. But Howard continued cavorting with the women, even as the next guests, Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert, vainly attempted to critique films with Jay. Debbie made good on her admonition, and the home audience didn’t see much of Howard’s sleazy antics, which were shot with a cameraman positioned in front of the women. Still, viewers were aware of what was happening. The next day, NBC put out a tepid press release, criticizing Howard for not staying “within acceptable boundaries” of taste and apologizing to “anyone (who) was offended.” In fact, Howard had hijacked
The Tonight Show,
while holding Jay hostage, as he mocked the audience’s middle-class sensibilities. As a result, the show’s image was tarnished.

Chicago Tribune
TV critic Steve Johnson called us (the producers) out for our role in the Stern travesty: “But Leno, his producers and his network, in allowing Stern’s assorted offenses, airing them, then trying to distance themselves from them after the ratings had been notched, demonstrated an almost epic capacity for disingenuousness.” Johnson was right. We weren’t blameless. Howard was known for his obnoxious shtick, and we held our collective noses for the sake of higher ratings. We learned a valuable lesson from this incident: Jay pledged that no guest would ever be allowed free reign on the show again, and he stuck to that pledge.

Surprisingly, Jay even got support from an editorial in
Christianity Today
written by Billy Graham’s publicist, Larry Ross. During the segment, Howard took out a Bible and announced that the Gideon Bible would be replaced in hotels with his new book. Jay quickly grabbed the Bible, held it up and said: “This book will strike you down as you go down the road. . . . I am sounding like an evangelist now, but I predict that’s what will happen—suddenly all that is in this book is making perfect sense to me.” Jay was speaking partly tongue-in-cheek, but even so, he was telling Howard to go to hell!
Christianity Today
lauded Jay by calling him “an unlikely man who took an unlikely stand in the unlikely forum of a late-night talk show.” A more unlikely editorial supporting Jay from a more unlikely source has never been written.

As for Howard, he didn’t return for five years, making a notably toned-down appearance in 2000, his last. I found his humor distasteful and embarrassing and was glad to see him go. I was always curious why he secretly staged such tawdriness. Until then, Howard had a good relationship with the show, one of only a few supporters in the early days when most critics were routinely pummeling Jay.

“Stuttering” John Melendez, Howard’s sidekick at the time, later told me Howard was only trying to “outdo himself” with a stunt that would impress his own audience, not to make Jay look bad. According to John, Howard was genuinely taken aback when Jay walked off the set. I believe John’s explanation, but I can’t understand how Howard could be so unaware of
Tonight Show
standards.

In 2004, John was hired as our announcer and comedy correspondent, replacing Edd Hall. I thought John had shown a presence and a likability during a recent guest appearance on our show that would work well with Jay. Howard took this move as a personal affront, accusing Jay of “ripping off” his long-time sidekick. And his tasteless tirades against Jay never let up after that. In May 2012, NBC, then owned by Comcast, hired Howard as a judge on
America’s Got Talent.
A few months later, he called Jay a “spineless maggot” after he took a 50 percent pay cut to save jobs when the network laid off twenty
Tonight Show
staffers. Howard’s rant was laughably illogical, and he should have been fired for openly insulting NBC’s biggest star. Instead, he received an obligatory letter from an NBC executive telling him to stop talking about Jay, which he openly mocked.

Some guests had an agenda only they understood. In 1994, Bobcat Goldthwait, a self-described comedian, lit his guest chair on fire using lighter fluid. Jay was visibly perturbed, as he and model Lauren Hutton quickly doused the flames with their drinking water. The studio audience laughed, thinking the stunt was part of a comedy bit, but it clearly was not. Bobcat insisted that he wasn’t drunk or high. But he could never explain why he did it. Observers speculated he was protesting the recent cancellation of the
Arsenio Hall Show,
which he had strongly supported. Others say he was making a bizarre “artistic” statement. I usually discount professed artistic and altruistic motives. It’s almost always about money and self-promotion. I think Bobcat was trying in his own confused and inarticulate way to draw attention to a film he had directed. He pleaded no contest in a Burbank courtroom to misdemeanor charges and was fined $3,880, including $698 for the chair, making him the only
Tonight Show
guest ever convicted of committing a crime on the show. He was never invited back.

In 1996, a woman came out of the audience and onto the stage, interrupting an interview Irish actor Colin Farrell was doing with Jay. She said something unintelligible to Colin, who quickly took matters into his own hands, as he grabbed her elbow, led her offstage and handed her over to security. “I’ll see you in court,” she shouted. “Darling, you’re insane,”
he replied as he sat back down next to Jay, apologized to the audience, and said, “My first stalker.” “Welcome to celebrity,” Jay quipped. The show continued as if the incident had never happened, and the unscripted intrusion never made air.

Many moments of spontaneity became show highlights we could be proud of, such as the day Simon Cowell let down his guard. Simon, known for his cockiness and swagger, would talk to Jay about almost anything, including the many women in his life. He always seemed detached from and bemused by s
uch stories. It was all an act, as Simon
was actually shy. And
he covered it up well, except for one time in 2009.

The tabloids were reporting he had recently gotten engaged to his long-time makeup artist, Mezhgan Hussainy, giving her a six-carat diamond ring set in platinum worth about five hundred thousand dollars. On the day of the taping, he came with Mezhgan, a strikingly exotic brunette who had often accompanied him there as his makeup artist. This time he was proudly showing her off to the crew and even agreed to let her join him during his appearance. On stage, Simon was his usual cheeky, witty self. But when Jay brought up Mezhgan, Simon got a little flustered:

Jay: The rumor is you are engaged. Is it true?

Simon: Are they true, um, well I do have somebody in my life now, Jay, yes. I kind of made a decision this year to make somebody happy, so that’s how I . . .”

Jay: So you’re doing this just to help someone?

Simon: It’s called giving back.

Jay: For the first time on national television you are sweating.

Simon admitted he felt uncomfortable talking about himself but also admitted a wedding was in the plans.

Jay: Within the next year?

Simon: Within the next ten years.

The audience was eating it up. They had never seen the mighty, irascible Simon Cowell squirming. It got even better when Jay brought out Mezhgan. She sat on the couch right next to Simon, putting her hand on his leg. Then she kissed him, which was one of the show’s most awkward moments. The
London Mail Online
wrote a scathing mock review of Simon’s lackluster performance while kissing the love of his life: “The man whose withering judgments . . . turn
contestants to jelly seemed remarkably ill-at-ease himself. . . .
And in a hammer blow to romance, he kept his eyes wide open the entire time.”

After Mezhgan left the panel, Simon regained his usual composure, telling Jay he even wanted to have kids: “I’m
kind of torn, because I’m a bit too old to have kids, but then again I think it would be important to have a lot of me’s around.”

Simon’s engagement to his ravishing Afghan beauty would not last. They broke up two years later after a rocky relationship, which Simon called “a big mistake.” He took full responsibility, telling British tabloid
The Sun
: “I’m attracted to crazy women. I encourage crazy behavior, and I make them crazy.”

Four years later, Simon returned as an expectant father. Jay was incredulous: “I’ve known you what, twelve or fifteen years? I never thought I’d say this: Congratulations! You’re going to be a dad.” Simon admitted the news was “a bit of a shocker” for him, as well. He said he knew the sex of the child, but didn’t reveal it: “If it’s a boy, I kind of hope he turns out like me as I was older, not when I was a child—cause when I was a child I was obnoxious,” he said, laughing. A few weeks later Simon announced the unborn child was a boy and that he was thinking of marrying the mother, his girlfriend Lauren Silverman, a New York socialite.

In one of the show’s most romantic moments, New York Giants football star Jason Sehorn got down on one knee and asked actress Angie Harmon to marry him in March 2000. He walked out as a “surprise guest,” which we had pre-arranged with him. Angie, a guest on the show, had no idea it was coming, which was obvious from the startled look on her face. She could barely contain her emotion as she answered: “Jason . . . oh, God . . . baby, yes,” as fellow guest Elton John stood up and applauded.

Before Jason came out, Jay asked Angie questions about her love life, which annoyed her. She said she didn’t talk about her personal life, but Jay persisted, suggesting Jason was backstage.

Jay: What i
f
he wanted to come out?

Angie: He wouldn’t.

Elton: He’s not gay, is he?

A year later Jason returned to the show and said he had no regrets about the surprise proposal witnessed by millions. He then admitted he had been a little nervous when Angie hesitated about ten seconds before answering him. Then he told Jay how they met. It seems his mom, Nancy, was a big fan of Angie’s. One Sunday after a Giants game, she spotted Angie outside the stadium and said: “You’re that girl from
Law and Order
. I think you and that show are wonderful. Oh, and I’d like you to meet my son Jason.” In June 2001, the couple married in Dallas before four hundred guests.

On Halloween day 1994, the show featured a wedding between the late singer Tiny Tim and “Miss Jan.” It was actually a renewal of vows, as they were originally hitched in 1984. This was the falsetto singer’s second matrimonial celebration on the show. His first was featured on
The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson
in 1969. A record forty-million viewers tuned in to watch “Miss Vicki” wed the man who had recorded the hit single “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.” The second
Tonight Show
wedding resulted in only average ratings. No one seemed excited about it, including the couple, who got a divorce the following year.

The late Steve Irwin always turned in exciting, high-energy appearances with his animal friends. But the Australian Crocodile Hunter’s best spot in November 2003 had more to do with his fellow guest and Aussie friend Russell Crowe than his animals. When Steve came out with his first critter, a beaver, he described it as his favorite American animal, prompting Russell to say, “I’m pretty fond of beaver myself,” which set the tone for the whole segment. Later, Steve brought out two diamond snakes he described as very venomous. He handed one to Russell and the other to Jay. Russell went straight for the audience, holding his snake by the tail as its head swerved back and forth as if looking for someone to strike, causing a stir of nervous laughter. Diamond snakes are actually harmless, but Steve didn’t bother to come clean with that until later. His boundless enthusiasm for animals combined with Russell’s mischievous tendencies made for great fun.

Ironically, Russell
never intended to be part of it, somberly telling me before the show that he absolutely had to leave right after his appearance as first guest even though his friend had asked him to stay. I implored Russell
to reconsider, but he was adamant, so I dropped the matter, and told Steve
to do the same. He bolted straight into Russell
’s dressing room, broadsiding him with information about all the cool animals he would be missing out on. Russell
tried to resist, but Steve
would not let up. Finally, Russell
just held up his hands and said, “Okay, I’ll do it.” He was smiling, for the first time that evening.