Beginnings - SF2 (19 page)

"Why on earth would that make you feel the need to apologize?" Ryan asked, clearly puzzled.

She stopped in her tracks and stared at her companion. "Because I denied our love! I didn't have the courage to face her and admit the truth!"

"Jamie, Jamie, Jamie," Ryan murmured as she slid an arm around her shoulders. "That would not have been a courageous thing to do. That would have been self-defeating. You're not ready to tell everyone about us yet. Confirming our relationship to Cassie would have been like putting an ad in the Chronicle. I thought you understood how I felt about this after that incident with your father. It's perfectly okay with me if it takes you a very long time to be open about us. Please don't worry about my feelings."

"Oh, Ryan, how can you even say that? Your opinion of me means everything!"

"I know, Honey," she soothed. "And I'll admit that I'm really invested in having you be honest with everyone about us. That's something that I think we both need to do in order to feel like our relationship is something we're proud of. I just meant that I don't need for you to worry about my feelings about this right now. You need time to work on this on your own without worrying about me."

"But…I don't understand why you're not upset about this, given how you felt at my dad's apartment."

"It's simple, Babe," she insisted. "You denied me that time. It felt like you didn't want him to know that I was even your friend. This time it's about you. This is all about your relationship with Mia. My feelings about it should have no bearing."

"Thanks," she said as she gave her a gentle hug. "I think I get it. But now I have another person to worry about. Cassie told her mother!'

"How do you know that?"

"Because I got a visit from my mother this afternoon. Actually it was the first time she's visited since we moved in three years ago, just to show you the level of distress this created."

Ryan was nearly speechless as she blinked her eyes slowly. The Evans family was a breed she was unfamiliar with, but this was too much even for them. To have their only daughter live 45 minutes away and never visit her was so alien to Ryan that she had to force herself to not comment, lest she say what was really running through her mind. "What happened?" she asked instead.

"I lied to her too. I said that we were just playing and Cassie misinterpreted. I…I've never lied like that before, Ryan. I'm…beginning to doubt who I even am anymore."

"Did you consider just telling her that you didn't want to speak about it?" Ryan asked gently.

"That's the funny thing. She wasn't angry or confrontational at all. She gave me a perfect out, but I didn't take it. That's what puzzles me, Ryan. Why did I feel the need to lie?"

"Only you can answer that for sure, but I have a theory."

"Besides that I'm a spineless slug who's never going to be trustworthy again?" she said with a bitter laugh.

"Yeah, besides that," Ryan said as she squeezed her hand. "I think you were put into a really tough place by Cassie. I assume she didn't approach you in a gentle fashion and ask if you were ready to talk about this?"

"No. She and Mia were sitting at the kitchen table, and she jumped on me like a district attorney. I thought Mia felt the same way, and I just felt overwhelmed and trapped."

"So, once you lied to both of them, you were in a bit of a bind. I assume your main reason for not confirming our relationship to Cassie was because you're not ready to tell your parents?"

"Yeah, basically that's true."

"So telling Cassie is the same as telling them since you know what a gossip she is. Then when your mother asks, it only makes sense to keep up the lie since she was the reason you lied in the first place. It all fits, Jamie, and it's all understandable. I'm just concerned about how you feel about yourself for lying," she said, her face full of genuine concern.

Jamie stopped and took in a few deep breaths, trying to stem the tears that were trying to get out. With her lower lip quivering, she closed her eyes and grasped Ryan in a tight embrace. "I can't believe how sweet you are to care more about my feelings than your own. I thought you'd be badly hurt by my betrayal and that's why I was afraid to tell you. I was so ashamed."

"Did you tell any of them that I was a big scary dyke that was trying to seduce you?"

She jerked noticeably and stared at Ryan in shock. "Of course not! I said you were my closest friend, and I told everyone how fond I was of you."

"Then why would I be hurt? Jamie, this is about you and your relationship with these people. What you tell them about us is purely your decision. I only care about how these things affect you, don't you see that?"

"As usual, Anna was right," she said with a little laugh. "She said you'd be understanding and reassuring."

"She sounds like she knows me pretty well," Ryan agreed with a smile. "Maybe you'd better describe her for me. We might have gone out!"

Jamie chased her laughing friend down the street, not stopping until she ran her into her favorite restaurant for a quick dinner.

After dinner, they walked to the library and studied until ten, with only one short kissing break. Ryan was really pretty frantic about her studies, and Jamie didn't even mention going to the coffeehouse or bar. On the walk home they talked about the other victim of Jamie's lies. "I feel dreadful about lying to Mia," she admitted. "I really feel like I need to come clean with her, but she's been acting so funny towards me since it happened that now I'm afraid to."

"It might lighten things up if you told her the truth, Jamie. You trust her, don't you?"

"Yeah, at least I always have. But if she's gonna be weird about it I'd rather wait until I'm more comfortable."

"Why don't you spend a little time thinking about it? You'll know when you're comfortable."

"I will," she promised. They were nearly at Jamie's house by this time and they both locked eyes when they noticed that the house was dark. "Come on," Jamie urged as she tugged at Ryan's hand. "Let me give you a proper goodnight kiss."

"But don't you have to be more careful than normal? I don't want this to get worse for you."

"I've got yet another fiendishly brilliant idea," she said with eyes dancing.

Ryan let herself be dragged along the sidewalk, and they quickly dashed inside. Instead of going upstairs, Jamie led her to the lovely redwood-paneled library just off the parlor. She had seen the room when Jamie took her on a tour of the house, but she'd never seen anyone use it. The room was accessed through pocket doors that silently glided along tracks to disappear into the wall. She slid one of the pair open and led Ryan inside. After she closed and locked the door she led Ryan to the dark brown leather sofa that rested underneath the leaded glass windows at the front of the house.

Moments after they entered the room, they heard one of the roommates enter the house. Ryan's sensitive hearing picked up that the person was in the living room, and she seemed to stay there for quite a while.

They heard her dial the phone on the entryway table and after a few seconds Cassie's voice drifted through the room clearly. "Hi, Mom, it's me," she said. Jamie rolled her eyes and gripped her stomach like she was going to vomit. Ryan just smirked at her and motioned for her to be quiet, then carefully got up from the sofa to avoid having the leather squeak. She sat on a straight-backed wooden chair, and Jamie quickly straddled her lap. They started to kiss softly, but neither could ignore the conversation going on in the other room.

"What do you mean she believed her? Oh, come on, Mom. I saw them nearly making out! What is she, delusional?"

After a moment she barked out a laugh and agreed, "Yeah, she probably was drunk. What time was it?" Another pause. "Yeah, three o'clock is plenty of time for her to get hammered," she laughed.

Ryan badly wished that she was not here to listen to the agitated woman's slurs, since they were clearly embarrassing Jamie.

"Well she can deny it all she wants but sooner or later I'm going to catch her red-handed. No," she added after a pause. "I'm not surprised. I've suspected ever since she brought her over here in September. I'm not sure what it was, but there was just something between them from the start."

Jamie's mood lightened at that comment. She patted her lover's face and smiled sweetly as she nodded her head in complete agreement.

"Yeah, I suppose she's pretty." Now Ryan gave her a smirk and an eyebrow wiggle. "But in a really mannish way." Ryan's eyes shot open and her shocked expression caused her mouth to form a wide circle. Jamie had to bury her head in Ryan's chest to stifle the laugh that tried to burst from her. "No, I don't think it's anything but a conquest for her. I mean, not to be cruel, but would you choose Jamie if you were just interested in sex?" she said with a snicker. Ryan had to grab her feisty partner by the shoulders to hold her down and stop her from running into the living room to pummel her roommate at that comment. "She's so, I don't know, reserved," she finally decided. "She just looks like she'd be a cold fish." Partly to prove Cassie wrong, Jamie started to work on Ryan's mouth with a fiery intensity. They quickly lost track of Cassie's conversation but they did hear Mia come tromping in a few minutes later.

Cassie was just hanging up, and they greeted each other casually. "Hi," Mia said.

"Your mail's over there, and here're your phone messages," Cassie replied.

"Jamie home?" Mia asked.

"No. I assume she's out with the whore of Babylon," she replied drolly, as Ryan pursed her lips and scowled.

"Knock it off, Cassie," Mia snapped.

"What?" she asked, rather stunned.

"I said, knock it off!" she replied at higher volume. "I like Ryan and I love Jamie. She's been our friend for years and no matter what you think of her sexual orientation, you owe her at least a little civility!"

"You heard how she was with me last week! Would you call that civil!"

"Look," she said in a calmer tone. "If she is having an affair, I agree that she hasn't been very honest with us. But have you ever considered that it might be too hard for her to talk about it? Maybe she just doesn't trust us."

"But we're the only ones she can trust," Cassie fumed. "Ryan certainly can't be trusted. She's the one who got her in to this!"

"Maybe you're right. But no matter what, Jamie has been a good friend and a great roommate for both of us. We have to cut her a little slack while she tries to figure out what's going on in her life. I'm just really sad that she isn't being honest with me. I thought we really trusted each other."

Jamie looked physically ill at this revelation. Ryan wrapped her arms around her tighter to comfort her as Cassie snapped, "Jamie might have been a friend before, but she's made sure that's no longer true for me. She's basically told me to leave if I don't want Ryan in the house. She's made me look foolish by denying that they were making out together, and I don't tolerate that type of treatment! I'm going to catch her, and when I do the whole campus will know about it! Then her stupid alcoholic mother won't be able to dispute the truth!"

"What!? You told her mother?!"

"I told my mother. What she did with the information is her business," she sniffed.

"You are really a piece of work," Mia said with disgust as she stomped up the stairs.

"If you're really her friend, you'll help me catch her, Mia," she called after her. "She needs to have someone help her before she gets into this too deep. It's going to be all over campus soon."

"With friends like you…" Mia snarled before she slammed her bedroom door.

The inhabitants of the library stared at each other for a few minutes in shocked silence. Jamie was outrageously pleased that Mia had defended her so staunchly, but now she felt even worse about lying to her. She couldn't get much angrier with Cassie, but she was irate about her comment concerning her mother. Although her mother did drink too much for her comfort, she thought it both rude and mean-spirited to characterize her as an alcoholic. But she realistically didn't for a minute doubt her roommate's vow to catch them in the act.

Even though she was confident that loving Ryan was exactly the right thing to do, Jamie was not at all ready to talk to her parents about the matter. She rested her head against Ryan's broad shoulder for a few minutes, feeling overwhelmed with the weight of keeping their love a secret. Ryan patted and rubbed her back as she rocked just a tiny bit in the chair. To their dismay, Cassie immediately got on the phone again. She obviously called her mother again to start slamming Mia this time. Ryan couldn't stand to listen to another minute of this drivel, but she knew they were stuck until Cassie went upstairs. The call lasted for almost fifteen minutes, during which time Jamie nearly fell asleep on Ryan's lap. Deciding that she needed to go home herself, Ryan finally motioned for her lover to get . She tiptoed to the window and saw that she could easily climb out and drop to the ground without harming herself. She whispered her plan in Jamie's ear and, after checking out the drop herself, Jamie kissed her goodbye and watched her go.

Jamie now had two options. She could lie down on the couch and sleep until Cassie went upstairs, or she could walk right by her. The debate lasted less than two seconds as she took out one of her texts from her book bag and strolled right past a startled Cassie while she was hanging up the phone. As Jamie hit the stairs, she turned to her and sweetly said, "Busy sharpening your knives, Brutus?"