Beginnings - SF2 (15 page)

"Right. You must need extra fuel to study something I can hardly pronounce." She knew that her affect was off today, so she compensated by being overly cheery. But she knew that every moment with her hyper-alert partner would lead her one step closer to exposure. Obviously she had to tell Ryan what had happened, but she needed some time to get a handle on her betrayal before she would be able to withstand the look that was sure to form on Ryan's sweet face.

As she munched on the first of her scones Ryan said, "So we finally get a couple of days off. How do you want to spend them? Hey, I know, why don't you come stay the weekend? We can't sleep together, but we could have lots of uninterrupted kissing time." Ryan waggled her eyebrows in an exaggerated fashion while pasting a hopeful smile on her face.

Jamie had not planned on making the statement that came from her mouth, but she heard someone say, "I think I'll go down to Hillsborough for the weekend. My mother is leaving in two weeks and she'll be gone most of the summer. I feel like I owe them a little bit of my time."

"Okay," Ryan said, trying to hide her disappointment. "Do you want me to come down for our ride on Sunday? We could do some of the long trails."

"No, I think I'll study in the afternoon, and I'm sure my dad will want to play golf in the morning. If I'm going to go, I should give all of my time to them."

"Oh…all right," Ryan said a little uneasily. "What about tonight? You won't want to get stuck in traffic will you?"

"It's not really that bad. I think I'll leave right after I see Anna so I can beat the rush."

"Oh, so you don't want to work out?" she asked, now even more tentatively.

"No, I'd better get going. Oh, and I talked to Mia, and she said she didn't mind skipping for a couple of weeks. Actually she'll be leaving for L.A. as soon as finals are over, so you can just pick up in the fall."

"All right," Ryan replied with a very concerned look on her face. "Um…Jamie," she began, but they were right in front of Jamie's classroom building so she gave her partner a gentle hug and whispered, "I'll miss you, Ryan. I love you very, very much."

"I love you too," she got out, but before she could utter another word Jamie was scampering up the steps.

I don't know what she's hiding, but it must be a doozy
, she thought as she shook her head and continued on her way.

She sat in Anna's office, head in hands as she berated herself for all of her betrayals. "I denied her, Anna," she moaned. "I claim to be so much in love with her, and the first time anyone questions me, I deny her completely."

"Jamie, Jamie," she soothed. "Being angry with yourself is just going to make the feelings last longer. Try to pull back a little to feel some compassion for yourself."

"Why do I deserve compassion?" she demanded as her head shot up and she leveled a withering glare at Anna. "It's Ryan that deserves compassion. She's the one who was betrayed!"

"Jamie, you did not betray her. You just refused to be baited by one person who has proven that she is not your friend. Once you made that choice, you felt trapped and you didn't want to be fully honest with Mia either. But you did not harm Ryan."

"But I feel like I harmed our love," she insisted.

"You don't think your love is resilient enough to withstand a lie to a woman who only wants to intrude on your business? Come on, Jamie, you can't really think that, can you?"

"No, I guess not," she admitted. "But Ryan is so precious to me, and she's so fragile sometimes. She was hurt so badly by the first woman that she fell in love with and I feel like I've done the same thing."

"What happened to Ryan?"

"She was in love with a classmate and she thought her feelings were returned. She made some overtures that she thought were accepted, but in fact the woman told her mother and other people at school and they all turned on Ryan. They nearly destroyed her self-confidence, and they ruined many of her plans for the future."

"And you equate telling Cassie that you are not lovers with that type of betrayal? Do you think you might be being just a tiny bit hard on yourself?"

"I guess maybe I am being hard on myself. But Ryan deserves someone who will shout their love from the rooftops, not a coward like me."

"I think Ryan gets to choose the type of lover she wants, and I'm pretty sure she's chosen you. Why don't you share what happened with her. I bet she's a lot more understanding than you think she will be."

"I will tell her. But I need to spend some time examining my motivations for having lied in the first place. I'll do that this weekend. Let's talk about this some more on Monday, and then I'll talk to her on Monday night."

She stopped by her house to grab some books and ran into Cassie coming down the stairs. They regarded each other warily, like natural enemies in the wild. Cassie backed down the stairs and said, "Now that Mia's not here I really think you ought to come clean, Jamie. I know you don't believe me, and I've got to admit that it really hurts. I only want to help you get through this obviously confusing time. I've known you since grammar school, Jamie. We've grown up together and I know that you're not gay."

Jamie descended the stairs also and looked at her for a minute. "Then what's the problem?"

"Even though I know you're not really gay, I saw you with her last night and I know what I saw. You were acting like lovers, and if you haven't slept with her it's only a matter of time. You can still get out, Jamie. You don't have to ruin your entire reputation over her," she said emphatically.

"Being friends with Ryan can only help my reputation," she said confidently. "Anything of her that rubs off on me can only make me a better person."

"Look Jamie, I really feel for you. I know you have very little experience with love and sex. She's such an operator that she's convinced you that she loves you. But she only loves what you can do for her. Can't you see that?"

"So, only people who want my money or my family connections would be stupid enough to want me?" she snapped.

"Of course not. But why would a slut like her waste her time trying to get to you? There're thousands of women just like her, and she certainly doesn't seem to have any trouble picking them up. She has to want something from you, Jamie. The people who care about you can all see this," she insisted. "I spoke to Jack this afternoon, and he feels the same way that I…"

Her voice was cut off by the 110 pounds that propelled themselves against her body in a wild fury. Jamie grabbed her blouse with both hands and shook her violently as she cried, "You bitch! You god-damned bitch!"

Cassie was nearly too shocked to move, but her self-preservation instincts took over as she used her superior size and weight to push Jamie away from her roughly. "Listen to me, Jamie," she said with cold rage marring her attractive face, "you can do whatever you want with that dyke. But you keep her out of my house! I will not have her fouling the air that I breathe."

"No, you listen to me, Cassie. This is
MY
house, and
I
decide who visits here. Ryan is completely and totally welcome here. If you don't like it, you'll be the one who leaves, not her!"

"You mean to look me in the eye and tell me that you choose that whore over our friendship?"

Jamie edged as close as she could get and glared at her, locking eyes as she enunciated, "If I had 100 opportunities, she'd win every time."

Her hands were shaking so badly that she knew she should not risk being on the road. She had not yet told her parents she was coming down and now she began to doubt whether it was a good idea after all. She had nothing to talk about except Ryan and the AIDS Ride, and neither topic would be terribly welcome at her parents' home. She did have a lot of studying to do, and if she took the weekend off from seeing Ryan they could both get caught up. The jumble of ideas rolled around in her head as she sank down onto her bed and promptly fell into a depressed sleep.

After her last client Ryan ran by a favorite cheap and cheerful restaurant and got some dinner. She pored over one of her ever-present books while she ate and then decided that spending the night at the library would be a better idea than fighting traffic on the way home.

The library was open late in preparation for finals, and she climbed into a carrel and did not move until the lights flashed, signaling the close.
My God
, she thought in amazement.
I can't believe six hours flew by like that. At least I got my concentration back for an evening.

She trudged all the way back to Jamie's with her heavy book bag, knowing that the ride home would keep her awake. As she passed by her lover's house, she was hit with a stab of shock and outrage when she saw that her car was still in the driveway. No lights were on in her room, and the living room was dark as well.
God damn it, Jamie. You don't have to lie to me! You're still a free woman, and you can spend your evenings however you wish, but lying to me is just unacceptable!

She rode home in a funk and glumly welcomed Duffy into her bed. "And they call you a dog," she murmured as she snuggled him close to her.

As soon as Jamie woke, she felt much more in control of her feelings. It was just after six, but she knew Ryan would be up and running. She quickly paged her and sat by the phone waiting for it to ring. After 15 minutes she gave up and got in the shower. She was slightly concerned, but not really worried since Ryan didn't normally take her pager when she ran. After her shower, she got dressed and took a novel she had to read and walked over to Sufficient Grounds. She didn't want to be in the house since Cassie was home, and she thought she could get more done without the threat of running into her.

It was nearly eight o'clock and her anxiety had been growing for an hour when her phone finally rang. "Where were you?" she quickly asked.

"I was asleep. I had the pager on vibrate." Ryan's voice was completely businesslike. She had answered the question, but no more information was forthcoming.

"Did you just wake up?"

"No. I got up about an hour ago. I had breakfast, then I called you back."

"Um…you knew I paged you two hours ago?"

"Yeah. Why does that bother you?" she asked bitterly. "Does it hurt you like I felt last night when I came by your house at midnight and saw that you were home?"

For some reason, even though Ryan had every right to be mad, the tone and the assumption rubbed her completely the wrong way. "I'm sorry if I disturbed you Ryan. I'm also sorry that I didn't update you on my plans. I'll remember to go to the store and buy a Global Positioning System tracking device today." She clicked off her phone and did not turn it back on, as she fumed over the rest of her coffee.

She walked around campus until the Biosciences Library opened at 10. She'd never heard any of her friends mention using this library, and she guessed that Ryan would stay home to study, so she reasoned that she could hide out and finish her novel. She felt really bad about the fight she had with Ryan; she was aware that, due to her own guilt, she was more sensitive than usual, but the bottom line was that she would not allow Ryan to supervise her, no matter how much she loved her.

At eleven she called home to check for messages and was stricken with guilt when she heard the plaintive messages from her partner. She had left four, each one more contrite than the last. She was in the process of dialing Ryan's pager when a dark head peeked around her study carrel.

With her flushed, damp face, Ryan looked like she had been running laps. Her eyes were sunken and bloodshot, and she looked like she had been up all night. When she made eye contact, Jamie was afraid that her partner was going to burst into tears. She looked so sad and lost that Jamie immediately pulled her into the little carrel and cradled her on her lap. "I'll squish you," Ryan murmured against her ear.

"There's no one I'd rather be squished by," she said as she increased the strength of her embrace.

She heard the person in the carrel behind hers utter an exaggerated sigh, so she patted Ryan's butt and got up to lead her from the library.

They went through the south doors and immediately sat down on the wide granite balustrade that flanked the entrance. Even though this side of the building was less trafficked, they were quite exposed; nevertheless, Jamie ignored her normal hesitancy and sat right on Ryan's lap, wrapping her arms around her neck for additional comfort. "I'm sorry, Ryan. I shouldn't have snapped at you."

"It's okay. I shouldn't have implied that I was supervising you. But I wasn't at all, really Jamie. I don't do that!"

"Well, you never have before, and it was wrong of me to assume you were doing so now."

"I was worried about you," she murmured. "You weren't acting right yesterday morning, and I really felt like you were trying to avoid me. Then when I went to get my bike, I saw your car and I felt like you were lying to me. I was really hurt, Jamie," she said with tears in her eyes. "I couldn't sleep at all last night, and I…and I…." Her voice trailed off as she tried to compose herself. She didn't like to cry in public, and she still felt a little odd crying in front of Jamie, so she pursed her lips and took a few deep breaths.

"I'm so sorry, Ryan. I'm so sorry," she soothed. "It's all my fault, Honey. It's all my fault."