Before Sunrise (62 page)

***

Kennedy shut off the light in the kitchen.
If she had scrubbed the place any longer, the enamel would have
been eradicated from the countertops. She tossed the rag, dropped a
hip to the sink, and folded her arms. The darkness was a welcome
event. The silence? Splendid. At last she didn’t have to pretend,
put on a brave face, hide her feelings.

But his absence pained her. The urge to grab
her keys and run to him was so strong it suppressed her reasonable
objections. Kennedy considered she could have overacted. Like a
beaten, love-starved child, she even considered that she deserved
his thoughtlessness. After all, this was another’s man house and
life he had to walk into. This was not his Christmas, but hers and
on her terms. The Liam she knew never allowed their life to be so
disorderly. After the chaos of their origins, their life was
carefully planned. He put the boundaries around them to ensure it.
Together they existed in bliss within their marriage—their very own
private world. Liam would go out and slay the dragons, and she’d be
waiting anxiously, to cage his beast, heal his wounds, and give him
comfort.

Wifely responsibilities as Mrs. Flanagan
weren’t suffocating. She never felt cheated in that role. When she
was in school and he’d be up to visit, he’d help her with her class
assignments. Getting her GED just required her to take a test, one
she passed easily. But freshman year of college proved to be pretty
tough because she just wasn’t interested. She knew the schooling
and maturing for them both had been Liam’s way to prove to her
parents he hadn’t ruined her life. All she’d truly ever wanted was
to be his. She wanted him; she wanted his babies. Kennedy had
romanticized the struggle of building her perfect family with him.
Liam had been more of a realist. He would have none of that. He
forced her to focus on their life plans.

How many stolen moments over the years had
she just wanted to be held by him? Inhale the strong maleness of
his skin, and the barley on his breath from a dinner beer. Too many
to count.

Liam wasn’t perfect. He did irk her at
times, leaving the toilet seat up and destroying her kitchen just
to make a simple sandwich. Oh, and the remote. He was a remote hog.
Really selfish. Always wanting to watch some sports show, not
caring which. And if she watched one of her favorite reality shows,
he’d seduce her to avoid having to sit through it.

There were little things, big things, and
insignificant things that wore her nerves on some days. But when he
was gone, she craved each and every moment of marital strife.

“
What am I doing?” she
asked, sinking to the floor. She put her back to the kitchen
cabinets, and drew her knees up. Her head dropped into her open
palms as her elbows rested on her knees. “He only made a mistake.
Isn’t he entitled to make mistakes? He’s only human.
Right?”

Kennedy closed her eyes and shoved her
weakness down. She wasn’t helping him by slipping into insecurity.
They had a life to rebuild. She had to be strong. Lesson one: he
would soon learn that he would not take her and their daughter for
granted. They needed to restore their faith in each other and it
had to start with mutual respect.

Lesson two: she would stop making excuses
for his behavior. He disappointed her, then she’d call him on it.
And he’d own up to it. Enabling him would be a disastrous move. And
her final lesson of the night is that she would seek some
professional help. She talked about it, encouraged Liam to do so,
but the truth was she needed it. Not a conversation from Angelina
or a lecture from her mother, but an unbiased professional to help
her deal with her guilt, fear, and elation. She needed perspective.
She needed to be whole.

Change had come and neither of them could
face the truth. Different felt scary. Talking with Liam about this
would keep them grounded and connected. He was her soulmate, so he
had to understand.

She reached above her head
and grabbed the edge of the sink. When she rose she found herself
weak, nauseous, and before she could reconcile the conflict
churning in her gut, she turned to the sink and vomited. Kennedy
quickly released the faucet and ran the tap to rinse away the
evidence. Her hands shook. She clenched them to stop the
trembles.
I have my secrets, too.
In the beginning, there were days when she wanted
to die. Quiet, lonely moments when Phil was called away on
something the military wouldn’t allow him to share and it was just
her and her sweet baby. The doctors called it post-partum. She knew
it was far worse. It was post-Liam, and part of her was out there
in the desert, lost and unreachable. Kennedy dreamed of death. What
it would be like, how quickly and easily she could do it. And how
wonderful it would be when she didn’t have to pretend to be okay,
when she didn’t have to hide her grief for fear someone would try
to fix her. Liam would be in Heaven waiting. She could see him in
his Chicago Cubs hat and Green Day T-shirt. He’d give her that sly
smile and say he’d missed her. That he’d been waiting for
her.

That’s why she needed Phil. He was her
salvation. He’d keep her feet on the ground when she wanted to
float away into the dark void of depression. She remembered
Mackenzie, and how much she loved her, and how hard it was to even
hold her and not think of Liam. She and Phil talked. That’s what
they did the first year, almost daily. Talk, and talk through her
feelings. He never pressured her to get over it. He just listened,
and held her and Mackenzie as they healed. Phil was her safety net.
Liam would never understand the pure nature of their bond. And Phil
would never forgive her for casting him out of her heart.

She couldn’t win.

Slowly, she left the kitchen, climbed the
stairs, and headed for her room. The soft sound of her parents’
voices stopped her. Hearing her name made her ears twitch.

She stepped over to the guest room door.

“
I’m making things worse
Drew. Aren’t I?”

“
Sweetheart, try to sleep.
Tomorrow’s Christmas.”

Gail turned toward her husband. She put a
hand to his jaw. Smiling into his eyes, she sighed. “I love you,
Drew,” she admitted softly. “I know it’s been hard between us. I
know that’s my fault. Sometimes I do things…say things. I’m sorry
for punishing you so often.”

“
You’re my life. Nothing
with you is hard.” He kissed her brow.

“
Why do you put up with me?”
she asked, and snuggled his chest. The top of her head was tucked
under his chin. “I’ve pushed you past the limit many times, and
you’re here. You never gave up.”

Andrew smiled. “I love you. It’s that
simple. Just like it has been for our daughter. She loves Liam,
always has. And she’s strong, Gail. Very strong. You two are so
much alike. My girls.”

“
I’ll admit I wasn’t happy
when they said he was alive. I’m sorry, but I wasn’t. When he was
gone, she needed us again. We saw her rebuild her life, how she
became her own person without him.”

“
She suffered, sweetheart.
She just did so in silence because she didn’t want to upset
everyone. But you’re her mother. You know she never let him
go.”

Gail sighed. “Yes, and I feel awful. As her
mother I shouldn’t be another source of pain for her. I’ve made so
many mistakes with her, Andrew.”

“
Gail…”

“
I did something. Something
I shouldn’t have. My heart was in the right place, but I crossed
the line—again. When she finds out, she won’t forgive
me.”

“
What? What did you
do?”

“
Never mind. It’s between me
and Kennedy. I’ll talk to her in the morning. I’ll apologize.
Liam’s alive, and we’re family. Right? We should, um, heal.
Together.”

Kennedy drew away to the sounds of her
parents’ love. She didn’t want another confrontation with her
mother, especially on Christmas day. Burdened and tired, she
retreated to her bedroom and as soon as she crossed the threshold
she fell on top of her bed and closed her eyes. All night she had
resisted the urge to cry. Now that she had the opportunity, she
couldn’t summon the strength to drop a single tear. She just wanted
to close her eyes and wait for the sun. Try again. Deal with
everyone tomorrow.

The phone rang.

She snatched up the receiver.

“
Hi,” Liam said.

“
Hi,” she
answered.

“
Can you come
outside?”

“
Huh?”

“
Took Sally home and came
back. Been sitting out here for a while working up the nerve to
knock on the door. Do you want to go for a drive with
me?”

Kennedy sat up on the bed. He’d been outside
all this time? She walked over to the window and looked out the
blinds. He was parked in the driveway. Her heart skipped a beat.
“Yeah, I’ll be right down,” she said. Kennedy hurried to the
bathroom and washed her face. Then she put on two sweaters and her
boots. Swiftly and silently she left the house.

She hadn’t ridden in Liam’s GTO in years.
Once she was in the car with him, she felt ten years younger. He
didn’t speak. He threw the car in reverse and backed out to the
street.

So they rode for the first ten minutes in
silence before she cleared her throat. “I think we need some
boundaries.”

Liam glanced over to her, then returned his
eyes to the road. “I’m listening, babe.”

“
No more drinking. Not for a
while. I’ll go dry with you, but absolutely no alcohol.”

“
Okay.”

“
No more fights. You want to
hit something, we’ll put a punching bag in the garage.”

“
I don’t want to hit
something,” he muttered.

“
I know you’re aggressive.
It’s who you became when they made you a SEAL, and I know that bar
fight wasn’t about me, it was about you and feeling something. I
understand. But I don’t want any more violence in our lives. We’ve
had enough.”

“
Kay—”

“
I mean it, Liam. I won’t
sit back and watch you self-destruct. If it gets bad and you need
space, then take it, but what you did tonight went too far. Look at
your face.”

“
I agree, sweetheart. No
more of the bullshit. I get it.” He nodded. “What else,
Kay?”

“
Never mind the rest,” she
sighed. “Let’s start there.”

“
I spoke to your father
today. He shared some things about what you went through when I was
gone.”

Kennedy focused on the night as they drove
at a moderate speed through a sleeping town.

“
Sally told me a little more
on the drive home. She said you suffered from post-partum
depression. Is that true? Hun, you never told me any of
this.”

Kennedy drew in her bottom lip. She closed
her eyes. “I…don’t like talking about it.”

“
Why?”

She shook her head.

“
Why don’t you like talking
about it, Kay?”

“
Why? Because for the first
year of our daughter’s life she didn’t just lose you, she lost me
too. I don’t like talking about her needing us both and having to
rely on others for the affection she should have had. We wanted her
so much, and neither of us could be there for her. I knew that and
still I couldn’t get past…my issues. Now I look at her and think of
the bonding we should have shared and it kills me. She’s my baby. A
part of me Liam, and I couldn’t even bring myself to breast feed
her, for Christ sake.”

“
Damn, sweetheart, I’m such
an idiot for not seeing this. You’ve been through hell and I should
have known. I’m so sorry.”

“
It’s okay, I got help. I
had help.”

“
You mean Phil. He helped
you.”

She slowly returned her gaze to him. Liam
gave her a shy smile. “I think I get it now. I mean understand why
you two were close. He was there so you had no choice but to let
him help you.”

“
No, Liam. He was more than
just
there
. He
made me face the pain instead of trying to coddle me. He was tough
on me when I needed him to be and a friend on most days to
understand when I just needed space. Phil was an important part of
my healing process and my life, and it doesn’t mean I don’t love
you. I’ve been really cruel to him. That’s going to stop. I care
about him—deeply. Part of me always will.”

Liam went silent. She sucked in a deep
breath. Honesty burned on her tongue and she felt it charging the
air. But she wanted her husband back, so he would have to accept
the good and the bad.

“
Things with us Kay,
I—”

“
I feel lost.” She cut in on
him. “And that scares me, Liam. I’m different, you’re different,
and I just want us to be like we were. I’m scared we can’t
be.”

Liam nodded. “That’s how I feel. Lost.”

He turned off the road and drove into the
empty parking lot of a closed convenience store.

“
I love you, Liam. I’ll go
to hell and back with you, I just want…I need you to be with me,
and not just physically. What I’m saying is every day since you’ve
returned I crave what he shared before a war came between us. Yes,
the passion is there but we’re missing something else. I know you
feel it. I know it scares you and it scares me, too. If we don’t
work hard at believing in each other again we’ll lose everything.
Does that make sense?”

Liam nodded. “It does. The doctor told me
about the process I’ll need to go through. He said I have rage
issues. He said there would be moments that I won’t be able to
differentiate between today and the past. Kay, my training Kay is
to be strong, and that shit I’ve seen and done in the service I
keep locked tight in me. Always. But I’m a civilian again—or will
be. I have to function day to day as your man, not the SEAL I’ve
been for the past eight years. I guess I thought I’d take you and
my baby girl and it would be okay. We’d start again. The thing is,
it’ll take years of therapy for me to learn how. So I’ll fuck up,
babe. I might fuck up so bad that you’ll think it’s the end of us.”
He looked over at her. “But I won’t give up on us. I’ll do
everything they tell me to. Just say you won’t give up on me
either.”