Been Here All Along (14 page)

He takes a step toward me and leans his hip on the easy chair next to the couch. We're within five feet of each other, but it's like I can feel all the emotions rolling off him.

“So about last night,” he says.

“I'm so sorry,” I say.

“You don't have to apologize. What do you think you have to be sorry for?”

“I don't even know. I guess that I made you question whether I trust you or not. I definitely trust you. Completely. One hundred percent.”

“I trust you, too,” he says.

I bob my head. “Cool, cool. Glad we got all that out of the way.”

“How are you feeling today?” he asks, sitting on the arm of the chair. If my mom were here, she'd yell at him. Why am I thinking about my mom?

“Like I drank way too many National Velvets last night,” I say.

“Is this what a hangover is?”

“I don't know. But according to Ezra, I'll feel better if I drink a lot of water and take some Advil. He also ordered a pizza for me, even though it's not even noon yet. He says the grease has magical properties.”

“So why don't you do that? At least the water and Advil part, while you wait for your magical pizza?” he asks.

“I don't know, I feel like this is my punishment. Like I deserve this for the sins I committed last night.”

“You didn't commit any sins.”

“Pretty sure I was coveting my neighbor's wife.”

“Except Ruby's not your neighbor.”

“Fine, but you know what I mean,” I say, rolling my eyes.

“And I'm not her wife anymore.”

“That fast?”

“Yeah, I went over there to break up with her this morning,” he says with a barely contained grin.

“Cool.” I crack my knuckles and look around the room. I have no idea what to say, because suddenly everything I've wanted for the past month is coming true. I guess that fire in chem lab really was the sign I needed. “My parents are out for a couple more hours. Do you want to stay and hang out? Watch some TV?”

He closes the distance between us and I think he's going to sit down, but instead he looks at me like he's never seen me before. I'm really glad I brushed my teeth.

Our faces are close.

“What happens now?” he asks.

“I don't know. I've never seen this episode.”

“No, I mean with us,” he says, smiling.

“Oh.” I glance away. “I guess we'll find out.”

He chews his lip, and all I can think about is kissing him. It's been building up inside of me for months, and I just know I need to get it out of my system. I need to go for it. I want to sit next to him on the couch, and I want our knees to touch. I want to remember that everything that happened last night and everything we said was real.

I put my hand on the back of his neck and pull him close, standing on my tiptoes to press my lips to his. It's quick and dry and maybe not the most romantic or centered kiss that has ever passed between two people.

But it's our first, and I immediately know that I don't want it to be our last.

 

fifteen

Kyle

I spend most of the day on Sunday with my family, trying to get back on my parents' good side after the whole English grade thing from the other day. I'm not technically grounded on weekends, but it seemed like they weren't so much asking me to go to the movies with the family, as telling me I had to go along with them.

By the time I get home from family fun day, I'm sort of desperate to see Gideon. I don't even bother going into my house before hopping the fence.

He's sitting on his deck, reading a book. He doesn't notice me at first, and I have this moment where I want to turn around and go home. I shove my hands into my pockets and swallow that feeling away. It's Gideon. I like Gideon. A lot. In all different ways.

“
The Great Gatsby
,” I say, ambling up the deck steps and squinting at the title.

He shades his eyes in the glowing afternoon sun and looks at the book cover as if surprised to see that's what he has in his hands.

“Yeah, I figured if I'm going to help you with your English paper this week, I need to refresh my memory on this book.”

He slips a bookmark between the pages before lifting his feet off the patio chair he had them propped on and offering it to me. I sit down and lean all the way back, feeling jittery and out of place.

This is where I should tell him what's going on with the whole learning disability issue, but I have it stuck in my head that Gideon isn't going to like me anymore once he finds out that I have this
thing
. Gideon is so smart. It's not like he's unaware that I've always been behind him in school. This isn't some big secret.

I promise myself that I'll tell him what's going on as soon as it has a real name and definition. It'll be easier to talk about.

“Um, don't worry too much about the tutoring,” I say. “I'll let you know if I need help. Gupta's trying something else with me first, but I don't really know if it's going to work out.” I don't really want to tell him what's happening until I know for a fact that something
is
happening.

“Okay, well, let me know,” he says, shrugging. “What's up?”

Words lodge in my throat. I planned a whole speech while I was out today and now the words have all disappeared.

“You look like you're going to pass out,” he says, obviously trying to make a joke, as I really do feel like I might pass out.

I barely even hear him, because the words that I wanted to say are finally tumbling out of my mouth.

“Do you want to go on a date? With me? Next weekend?” I spit out the question and then have to take a deep breath to steady myself. A weird nervous shiver goes through my whole body. “I would say we should go during the week but I'm not allowed out on school nights until my grades get better.”

Gideon licks his lips, which is good because now I'm thinking about kissing him instead of the slow death by embarrassment that might be coming my way if he says no.

“I've been thinking about this a lot,” he says.

“Yeah, me too.”

“You really want to date me? Like, we're best friends—what if we ruin everything?”

“You're really worried about that?”

“Yes,” he says, his voice firm and sure in a way that mine never is.

“I would hope that we're good enough friends that we kind of know what we're getting ourselves into. It's not like dating you is going to be some big shocking difference. We already spend a lot of time together.”

“What about when you and I leave for college? What then?”

“Oh, come on, Gideon. That's, like, way over a year from now. Why are you even thinking like that? What about all the fun we could have between now and then?”

“We are going to have fun,” he says.

“Hell yeah.” I squeeze his knee.

I lean forward in my chair, finally feeling relaxed about the whole exchange, even if he still hasn't given me a firm yes about going out on a date.

“And you're sure Ruby is okay with all this?” he asks.

“Yes. Definitely. She told me that she's going to tell everyone that she broke up with me, but what do I care?”

“She's a little bit crazy,” he says.

“Maybe a little. I try not to judge. She's got an image to uphold, apparently.”

His face cracks into the realest non-drunk smile I've seen from him in a long time.

“So, what do we do?”

“Well, first you probably have to say whether or not you want to go on a date with me someday. Don't leave a guy hanging.”

“What's this someday business? I thought you said next weekend?”

I frown at him.

“Fine, yes, I get what you're saying,” he says, rolling his eyes. “I would like to go on a date with you next weekend.”

“Awesome.”

“But, like, are you…” He pauses and squeezes his eyes shut like the embarrassment of asking this question is too much to take. “Are you my boyfriend?”

“Only if you're mine,” I say.

He leans his head back and smiles at the sky. “Obviously.”

I move my chair so we're sitting next to each other instead of across from each other. “I also think we should kiss again sometime. Maybe.”

He side-eyes me. “Oh, I get it. You're just here for these sweet, sweet lips.” He points at his mouth.

“You're an idiot.”

“You're a bigger idiot.”

He shifts in his chair, turning his body toward me, and then licks his lips again. I mirror him, right down to the lip licking.

When he presses his lips to mine this time, it's different—not rushed, not too dry. It feels like we're teaching each other something that we don't have words for.

I turn my head a little to the side, and he sucks in a deep breath. He leans his forehead against mine.

“You okay?” I ask.

“That was, like, way better than last time.”

“Yeah, it'll probably get even better the more we do it.”

“I can't wait,” he says, leaning back in for more.

Gideon

Kyle and I spend the better part of an hour making out on my deck. If I wasn't worried about my parents coming home any second, I would totally bring him up to my room because believe me, having those chair arms between us was the worst thing that ever happened in the history of making out.

“Mom called to say she's bringing home Chinese food,” Ezra says, sticking his head out of the sliding door and ruining our fun. “Oh, hey there, Kyle. I didn't know you were here.”

“He was just leaving,” I say, pushing on his arm as if I could throw him over the fence before my brother says anything too embarrassing. Hopefully, he'll take the hint.

“No, I wasn't,” Kyle says, pouting.

“I hear you broke up with Ruby Vasquez for Giddyup.”

“Um,” Kyle says. But before he can even answer, Ezra continues.

“Was that really the best idea? That chick is hot. She was a freshman when I was a senior,” he explains.

“'Cause that doesn't make you sound like a creep,” I mutter.

Kyle scratches at the back of his neck and sighs, but at least he's smiling. He's very familiar with Ezra's ridiculousness. “You know, she ended up breaking up with me, actually.”

“She's smart. Getting rid of the deadweight,” Ezra says, punching Kyle in the shoulder playfully. Then he sits in one of the other chairs. I groan when Kyle settles back down.

“So, what are you still doing here?” Kyle asks.

“Isn't that the ultimate question?” Ezra asks. “Who put us here? What is our earthly purpose?”

Kyle rolls his eyes and I sigh. “I guess you're going to stick around for a while?”

“Indefinitely,” Ezra says.

Kyle's phone buzzes in his pocket and he takes a quick peek. “I gotta get out of here. I'm not technically supposed to be socializing, since it's a school night.”

I stand with him and grab his arm, planting one last hard kiss on his lips, in part because I can't stop myself, but also because for some reason I feel the need to flaunt this new relationship in front of Ezra. He always had girls around. Now it's my turn to have this boy around. This very cute boy.

Kyle leaves, and I turn my attention to my brother.

“So, that's new,” he says.

I nod.

“What's the deal?”

“Um, well, we're dating. He came over to ask me on a date.”

“Where are you going?”

“Actually we never decided that part,” I say. “We'll figure it out.”

“Well, good for you,” Ezra says. “You gonna tell Mom and Dad someday?”

I take a deep breath. “Soon.”

“Take your time. But you know they're gonna be okay with it, right?”

“I keep telling myself that.”

“Well,” he says, standing up and patting my shoulder, “I'm telling you that, too.”

“Thanks.”

“Just let me know when you're going to do it, so I can record Mom's overly delighted reaction and make myself famous with the viral video entitled ‘Woman Loses Her Shit in a Good Way.'”

I'm trying to think of a comeback, but he's already inside, turning the TV on to whatever reality show marathon he can find. Ezra loves reality shows.

 

sixteen

Ezra

“So you're really going to tell them tonight, right?” I ask, barging into Gideon's room a few nights later and sitting on his bed. We're going out for dinner for our mom's birthday.

He's standing at his closet, looking at the same exact clothes he wears every day and acting like he's going to find something new in there.

“Yeah,” he squeaks, sounding like someone just grabbed his balls.

“That's awesome. I think it's time.” Perhaps my unyielding support will help with the ball-grabbing situation.

“They're not even gonna care, right?” he asks, turning to look at me, his face just as pinched as his voice now.

“Of course they're going to care. They love you.”

“No, but they're not going to disown me or something ridiculous, right? They're not that kind of parents. I keep telling myself they aren't, but what if they are?”

“Did they disown me?”

“No,” he says, plopping down on the bed next to me.

“And I can control what I did. I did it of my own choosing. You didn't choose to be gay, and they know that. They're super liberal about pretty much everything.”

“Except your tattoos.”

“Well, yeah, but have you noticed Mom hasn't mentioned them once since I've been home? I think she's really growing as a person.”

That gets a little smile out of him.

“I guess I'm also kind of worried that I'm getting all worked up about telling them and it's just going to be this little blip. Like no big deal, this is our son now. Thank you for sharing, Gideon.” He says the last sentence in a pretty impressive impersonation of our mother.