Bedding The Biker Next Door (21 page)

“But you’re no longer sure if the risk is worth it?” she whispered.

“Yes. No.” He dragged his hands through his hair again, his face not just conflicted but agonized. “You have to understand, Jill. My mother’s been sick on and off since I was sixteen. I’ve lived over a decade watching her bounce between health and illness, and the fact I couldn’t save her—I just don’t know if I can handle that again. Not with you. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

“I understand,” she said, even as she felt her heart breaking. It’s what she’d known all along. She was a burden. A ticking bomb. What man would ever want to be saddled with her?

“I’m saying things all wrong. You’ve just taken me surprise, that’s all, but—” Before he could continue, though, his phone buzzed, and he glanced at the screen. “Damn it, this is Luke, and he’s started on the Taylor job today. I need to take this. Can I have some time?”

She took a deep, shallow breath and raised her chin. “Of course, Cole. Take all the time you need.”

Once he disappeared, Jill dropped her head into her hands. She’d known this would be difficult. He had watched his mother wither away while he could do nothing to protect her, nothing to save her. And now, he was imagining being tied down to Jill, too. This was his worst nightmare coming true.

She could hear his voice on the phone outside getting farther and farther away. Was he leaving for a while? Had she just ruined everything?

Tears welled in her eyes. She couldn’t contain the pain. The tears spilled over, and she gasped for breath, her body shaking as she tried to hold it in. But she couldn’t. She just let it out, crying like she hadn’t in years, unable to erase the look on his face when she gave him the news. She cried and cried.

And he wasn’t there to comfort her.

* * *

After talking to Luke and giving him his opinion on a matter that had come up on the Taylor job, Cole mounted his bike before he even decided to go for a ride. It was just habit. Autopilot. Clarity and freedom came to him in the form of whipping wind, and his bike hummed under him as the world whizzed by.

He didn’t want to lose Jill. Not now. Not later to some disease, either. He should have stayed and talked it out with her, but his emotions had taken over. His vision had just about crossed as he’d hurried down the stairs, trying to get away from her. He needed to be alone and think, yes, but was he running away? Was that what his bike was for, had been for, all these years? To run from his problems? No, he told himself. He needed to make sure he wasn’t making the biggest mistake of his life.

He tried to picture going back to the way life had been before he met her, and it looked dark and bleak. Pointless. She was the bright spot in his life, making everything better. He wanted her with him, in his life, making memories and sharing things.

But what if she got sick again? How would he handle it if she died? Could he survive losing her like that?
People die every day,
he told himself. They die from car accidents, they die from heart attacks, they die from hidden ailments all the time. So what? He wasn’t supposed to take a risk and love someone, just because there was a chance he’d lose her?

No matter what came their way, he wanted them to go through it together.

He drove past the bay, chasing the moon’s reflection out on the water, and then drove some more, just to wash away the negative emotions. The entire night had been cleansing, and he felt like he had to pause and live it. After a while, he felt renewed and refreshed, ready to figure out what all of this meant. Then suddenly, he felt guilty—he’d left Jill at home, hadn’t even told her that he’d be back soon, and she was probably wondering where he’d gone. Or worse—she might not be there at all anymore.

He raced home, hoping she was still there, feeling stupid for having abandoned her, after he said he would take care of her. To make things worse, it was late, probably close to midnight. He’d lost track of time.

He unlocked the door and threw it open. “Jill!”

The condo was dark save the kitchen light. He quietly entered the bedroom, hoping they could still talk. He’d tell her he was sorry for running out on her, but that he was ready and willing to take her on—to take love on.

But she wasn’t there.

Cole flicked on the light. The bed was made. He saw none of her things. Nothing in the bathroom either. Walking through the house, it was like Jill had never been there.

Then he saw it—a piece of paper on the counter.

Cole,

I’m sorry I surprised you with that, and that it upset you. I just wanted to be honest. It felt like things were at the point where you needed to know. Maybe it was too much, but I suppose we should be glad to know that sooner rather than later. I think it’s best if I go home.

Thank you so much for everything.

Jill

Cole stared blankly at the wall.

How had he messed things up so badly?

Chapter Twenty-One

The next morning, Jill dragged herself out of bed. Her body hurt all over, like she’d just recovered from the flu. It could’ve been from driving so late at night, or it could’ve been from the motorcycle ride so soon after her hospital release, but she knew it was because her heart was broken. The best thing would be going back to work and putting her life back together. She could glue her heart together, too, if needed.

When she managed to get up and about, she texted Liz:
I’m back home. The security is installed. Talk at lunch about starting things up again?

Then something else occurred to her—she still needed to plan for Cole selling her house. But not now. She wasn’t ready to start thinking of her future—a future without Cole.

Still feeling stiff, she ambled around her house. Someone had cleaned up. The bathroom wasn’t in disarray, as she expected. It was like nothing terrible had happened there. As she turned to head back into the bedroom, she saw a black swatch of fabric sticking out from under her bed. It was a black baseball hat. She had never owned a baseball hat in her life.

But she immediately knew who it belonged to.

Monica’s boyfriend, Trevor. She’d seen him wearing it the Monday he’d picked her up to head out for San Diego. They’d had a fight beforehand. Maybe they’d had a fight afterward and had never gone on their trip, after all. She wasn’t sure. But she knew she’d seen Trevor wearing the hat before.

He was the person who’d broken into her house.

She immediately called the police and told them what she’d found. They sent an officer over to take the cap and her statement. After he left, she mulled things over, deciding it had been the right thing to do. She wouldn’t call and talk to Monica about it herself. She’d let the police do that.

Finding the cap and knowing the police were on their way to talk to Trevor made her feel better and in control again. She wasn’t helpless. She had survived the break-in. She
was
strong. Sure, it had shaken her up and knocked her off her feet for a while, but anyone would react that way. It didn’t mean that she was different now, weaker, or any less of a person. And the same would be true whether she decided to be tested for the genetic mutation or not, whether she tested positive or not. She’d do her best to be the person she always had been for as long as she could. In many ways—an average woman, but capable of love and occasional boldness.

A tiny part of her hoped she could still find her wild side even if Cole wasn’t in her life. She had loved riding his bike with him. While at his condo, she had let herself dream about going on adventures with him—a cross-country trip, maybe on his Harley or flying to other countries. And having wild, mind-blowing sex, of course…

But she shook her head and pressed back the tears. Maybe she could think about all that later on without it hurting so much. For now, she needed to focus on moving on.

* * *

The next day, Jill and Liz had the daycare up and running, though a few of the children wouldn’t be back until the next week. It felt good to be working again and seeing her kids. Jill was able to put her emotional pain aside during work hours and just throw herself into the daily routine. She’d talked to Stanley’s father that morning and made it clear she would not be accepting his dinner invitation ever. He promised not to bring it up again, and after an initial awkwardness, things returned to normal.

Monica’s boyfriend, Trevor, confessed to breaking into her home. He and Monica had indeed gotten into another fight ten minutes into the drive to San Diego. He’d dropped her off at her house and they hadn’t seen each other since. Trevor had come back to Jill’s house on his own. He’d claimed he hadn’t meant to hurt Jill but had panicked when she’d walked in on him. He was just looking for a stash of cash to keep up his meth habit.

So her first day back on the job began with answers and closure—not a bad thing. If only she could get that with Cole. But she wouldn’t regret her time with him. She and Cole had enjoyed each other in so many ways, sexually, emotionally, and even in a way she couldn’t articulate. She couldn’t blame him for not wanting more. He was an amazing man, but he was only human. Nobody would want to be with a woman whose future was as uncertain as hers was.

She’d get through this—she was strong. But knowing that didn’t help lessen the pain.

* * *

Jill was getting the kids settled for lunch when Liz touched her arm. “Listen, I’ll take over for a while. Someone needs to talk to you outside.”

Jill walked to the front door, smoothing her hands down her work apron. She peeked through the peephole and saw—

“Cole.” She opened the door slowly.

He smiled, a slow, uncertain smile, but as he looked at her, his eyes lit up and the smile grew. “Jill…” He opened his arms, and she flew into them. His warmth, his scent, his strength surrounded her. “I’m sorry,” he said. “The other night… Well, can you come next door to talk for a few minutes?”

She looked over her shoulder, and saw Liz nod and shoo her out. Jill turned back to Cole and stepped out onto her porch. He took her hand. Together, they crossed the lawns and entered his mother’s house. It was empty inside, but he led her to the kitchen, then picked her up and set her on the counter. Standing in front of her, he took her hands. She got a sinking feeling in her stomach. Maybe he simply wanted to say goodbye in a better way. But she didn’t want goodbye.

“There’s so much to tell you,” he said, his voice sounding gruff. Choked. “First, I shouldn’t have left that night, but I—I was struggling with what you told me. I’m sorry.”

She rested her free hand on top of their entwined fingers. “It’s okay. I understand you needed space to deal with what I’d told you.”

“I needed to deal with that, yes. Just like I’ve needed to deal with other things too.”

“What do you mean?”

“After I found you gone, I panicked. I was afraid I’d driven away the most important person in the world to me. The way I reacted—it wasn’t because I saw you as a burden, Jill. I believe in the words ‘for better or for worse.’ Whatever the future brings, I’ll always want to be here for you. Taking care of you. I’d already decided that you’re more important to me than any amount of traveling. Just like my mom was. But I’m not perfect. I feel like I let my mom down at the end, not being there for her—”

“Oh Cole. No!”

“Shh. It’s okay. I know I shouldn’t blame myself. But I think I always will. The important thing is I know my mom loved me. That she’d never view me as a failure. And Jill, I think you can love me that way, too. If you can just believe in me—”

“I do believe in you, Cole. And I’m already falling in love with you.”

He cupped her face and rested his forehead against hers. “I’m falling in love with you too, sweetie.”

She smiled once again at the endearment.

They just stayed that way, faces touching, breathing each other in for several precious seconds, before Cole pulled back. “I want to share something with you. The letter you saw? The one I’d torn in half? I taped it together and read it.”

“You did?”

“Yes. You gave me the strength to do that, Jill. You taught me to be brave. To face the future with open eyes and an open heart. And it turned out my father is someone you’ve heard of—Senator Taylor.”

“Oh, wow!”

His face was impassive.

She couldn’t tell how he’d taken the news. “I might be out of place, but, Cole…your mom would be so happy that you connected with him. What happened? How do you feel?”

Her words opened a floodgate. Cole started talking and couldn’t stop. “I thought if I ever met my father, I’d throw a punch in his face and tell him exactly what I thought of him. But I didn’t.” He traced the outline of her hand and occasionally, brought it to his lips to press a kiss in the center. “I understood why things happened the way they did. It still hurts, but I’m happy I found him—my father.”

His voice changed as he said those words. All these years—his entire life—“his father” had been some nameless man who abandoned him. Now he had answers. Possibly a relationship waiting for him, if he wanted it.

“Did he tell you why he wasn’t around?” Jill asked carefully, not wanting to dredge up negative memories and make things worse for Cole.

“He was married. That’s it. He has a family. Three kids. He loved my mom, but he couldn’t…”

Cole couldn’t finish his words. A wave of emotions hit him, and he pulled Jill close again.

“He couldn’t leave his wife, his responsibilities.” Jill finished for him.

He nodded. “But he said he thought about me all the time. He sent my mom regular checks to take care of me. I didn’t know that. And when he and his wife divorced five years ago, that’s when he started sending the letters. He wanted to make amends. He even talked to my mom directly. She told him she was dying…and she gave him my address so he could contact me after she was gone. He said she felt guilty about it, but she also said I’d understand. And I do.”