Becoming Maddie (The Casterhouse series Book 1) (23 page)

How could Maddie be in so much pain from losing something that she didn’t have? So she may have thought what she and Aiden were doing together was world shattering, that they were starting something new together, something beautiful but they weren’t. She had only known him a couple of weeks now so why did it feel so awful.

The best thing to do was just kill it all and bring her shields back up. This is what happens when you let people in. You get hurt and let down time and time again.

“That’s nothing.” Maddie said to Sarah. “We have talked about it and we know it’s just causal.”

Sarah still frowning at her clearly didn’t believe what she was hearing but wasn’t sure how to go about asking more.

Maddie was not in the mood for questions so needed this to end now.

“Actually Sarah I have a couple of things to do round here.” Maddie said making it abundantly clear that she wanted Sarah to go so she could get on with her ‘things’.

Her friend looked a little hurt that Maddie wasn’t sharing whatever was going on inside her head but nodded and slid off the stool.

“Okay.” Sarah muttered to Maddie who hadn’t made any move to show her friend out. “I will speak to you later then.”

Maddie just nodded.

She sat on the stool for long after Sarah had left trying to work out what she was going to do. Maddie needed to come up with a plan, if she was busy she wouldn’t think about things.

Having made her decision Maddie went through to her bedroom and ripped the sheets off the bed. Picking them up quickly she went to the washing machine in the kitchen and put them in to wash. She then looked up movie times for anything that was on that night at the cinema, picked something at random and made sure that she was out of the house for when Aiden would come round.

Just before she left the house Maddie shoved her hair up in a bobble then bent down and hugged her husky.

“Sorry Marv.” Maddie whispered into his neck. “You have to forget Aiden. I know this seems crazy but we can’t see him anymore. I can’t get hurt anymore. It’s gonna be just you and me again buddy.”

The dog let his Mistress hug him. He didn’t understand what was going on with her but knew that she was really upset.

Maddie stood, got her bag and keys and closed the front door as she headed out to the cinema. Hopefully Aiden would find her too hard work for a couple of night’s fun and move on to someone else.

Even as Maddie was doing all this there was a small, quiet voice inside her head that said she should wait and speak to him tonight. Maybe he would be able to explain. Maybe he would make her see that she didn’t need to do what she was doing.

The problem was a louder voice in her head was screaming at her.

“
RUN
!”  

Chapter 19

The film played on the big screen, it was being watched by everyone in the room bar one. The people that were watching seemed to think it was good enough that their attention was being held. Every now and again there was a little chuckle or a gasp. All of which Maddie did not take part in. She wouldn’t have even been able to tell you what the film was.

Maddie didn’t even have her head pointed up so that she could see the screen. Instead she was staring at the back of the seat in front of her. Being hidden away in the back meant that she could watch the door and it wouldn’t matter if she wasn’t being held captive by the film or not.

Instead, Maddie’s brain was running through every moment that she had spent in Aiden’s company. Every touch and every word was played again and again as if she was watching it on the back of the seat in front of her. It was almost like she was watching her own film that was filled with the bitter sweet moments of the last few weeks.

How many times had Aiden thought about a way to play the situation so that he could get her into bed? Why did he listen to her spill all her sorry sob story to him? Was that all done so that he could have a good time with her for a while? But how did making her share everything with him matter? Did that fit into the plan too?

Maddie was not an idiot. She knew Aiden was a handsome man and that he definitely wasn’t a virgin but to play women or sleep with as many as Sarah implied? Surely he didn’t need to do that? If he was using tactics to get a women into bed then he was really good at it. How many had he spoken to late at night like he did her? How did he manage to know exactly what she wanted to hear?

Jessica had made it clear that there had been many woman before her and that she was just another piece of ass in a long line of pieces of ass. Sarah had, unintentionally, told her almost exactly the same thing. 

Maybe it was because he had had so much practice at it. That train of thought just led her back to thinking about just how many times he had done this before.

Even as she thought all this stuff she wanted to cry. It felt so wrong. It didn’t fit with the Aiden that she had come to know, or at least, who she thought she had come to know.

Lifting her hand in the dark to touch her bottom lip she remembered his kisses, from the first to the last one.

That morning Aiden had kissed her on the lips, long and sweetly, making sure that he didn’t stop till Maddie was leaning against him, giving him her full weight. He had pulled back and smiled at her before kissing her on the nose. Then had left, promising he would phone later, which he did.

Had that all been a lie?

Her brain said it could well be. Her gut said ‘no way’.

Maddie’s heart was scared.

As the film went on Maddie carried on thinking about what had gone between them both. The fighting and the stubbornness on her behalf. Could sleeping with her really be worth putting up with that? If it was the other way round, she would have to seriously like the person for her to have to work her way past the anger to get to the sex.

Then other things started to emerge from her memories or rather she started to look at things a different way.

On their first date, that wasn’t really a first date, Aiden had taken her to Eddie and Fiona’s. He had taken other woman there? It didn’t strike her likely. The way they had been so pleased to have her join them for dinner that night made her think that it was not something Aiden had done before.

Surely if he had had someone else come to their dinner then Fiona and Eddie wouldn’t have met up with her. After all they both had at separate times. Fiona for dinner and Eddie for a coffee in the park. Surely if Aiden brought woman round all the time they wouldn’t make an effort with her like they are.

There had been the way he came back to her bed every night when she was recovering from the attack. He never once tried anything. He waited until she was ready to take it to another level.

Is that what makes him so good at fooling women? Lulling them into a false sense of security? Maddie thought not. For some reason it struck her heart in a totally different way. It was like he didn’t want to push her, like he wanted the time when they did join to be special. To mean something.

How could she even begin to explain how it felt to be laying wrapped in his arms, surely that was no lie? Surely something that meant so much to her could not be a lie?

Putting a hand to her mouth Maddie smothered the gasp/sob that came from somewhere deep inside her. Somewhere that hurt her a lot. No, Maddie couldn’t even think about that being a lie. Aiden felt it too. He reached for her every time he got into bed with her. Really there weren’t a lot of times when Aiden didn’t make sure that they were touching.

That was no lie.

Maddie sucked air in, past the hand that was still over her mouth, she had made such a mistake. What the hell had she done!

Everything Aiden did was true. He never once acted like he didn’t want to be in whatever moment they were in and gave nothing but himself.

Maddie on the other hand held back, until last night that was, then she let everything go, shared, and then let herself really relax around him this morning. Now she was having a total freak out without talking to him and ruining everything.

Why did she do this to herself?

Maddie had ruined everything.

Aiden was perfect.

Wrapping her arms round herself Maddie started to rock in her seat. She tilted her head down further as she looked at her feet while everything that she had thrown away swept over her. How could she make this right? What was she going to do to make it all go back to how it was this morning?

Maddie had broken something beautiful and turned it into crap. Why? Why had she done that?

So what did she do now? How did she fix it? Could she fix it?

Instead of jumping to her feet and rushing out of the cinema to try and see if she could sort out the mess she had made between her and Aiden, Maddie just kept sitting there rocking backwards and forwards.

Maybe she shouldn’t leave the cinema, maybe she shouldn’t ever leave the cinema. There was nothing that she could ruin here. There was absolutely nothing that she could do wrong here. She couldn’t hurt people here and they wouldn’t hurt her.

As Maddie sat there feeling totally lost and wanting nothing more than getting a massive hug from Aiden, maybe more from Aiden, the film played on and she saw none of it.

What she also wasn’t watching was the door. This meant that she missed the tall dark figure walking in and making his way up the aisle to the end of the row that Maddie sat in. Then he made his way along the row and sat down in the seat next to her.

Maddie stopped rocking straight away and turned to look at the man sat next to her. The flickering light that came from the screen lit up Aiden’s face. It showed that he was not happy at all. In fact he was long past happy.

His lips were tight and his brow was frowning. He sat with his legs spread wide and his arms crossed. What caught Maddie the most was that he didn’t move anything. Not a muscle. Once he sat down he didn’t say anything to her, tap his foot or even look in her direction. Aiden just sat down and looked at the film.

“Aiden-” Maddie started to mutter. 

Then Aiden moved quickly and with a sharp direct movements. He put his hand up in a silencing movement.

Straight away Maddie bit her lips and didn’t say anything else but kept looking at him. Waiting for him to say more but he didn’t. Aiden just kept watching the film and giving nothing away but his fury.

This was not going to be pretty.

Maddie never took her eyes off of him as she felt the familiar fear grow inside her. It was the fear she had to love with when she was ruled by Charles. A big part of it was not knowing what was coming next or which direction the punches would be coming from.

It was totally crazy to have this feeling around Aiden. He would never hurt her. Although his anger was great, and it freaked her out, Maddie got rid of the fear that made her muscles prepare for a beating.

As the film ended and the credits started rolling down that screen Maddie hadn’t seen a single second of it. She had just sat there waiting since Aiden had come in, watching him. Wanting him to say something, anything. Just so that she knew a little bit about what was going through his head because right now Maddie had so much going through hers she couldn’t focus on a single one. That didn’t even take into account all the feelings that were burning in her gut or the way her heart was racing almost painfully.

Aiden, still not looking at her, took her hand and stood. Dragging her along behind him he walked out of the screen and then out of the cinema.

When she had gone into the cinema the sun was just starting to go. Now it was completely gone and had taken the little autumn heat with it. Maddie had not taken a coat with her and was only wearing a strapless dress. The semi cold air took the breath straight from her lungs. Not that she had a chance to do anything about it, of course. Aiden was on a mission and she was not really in a position to say anything.

Charles used to drag Maddie along behind him but it was never by her hand. No, Charles liked to drag her by her hair.

Shaking her head, Maddie tried to get rid of the awful memories that were being brought to the surface by this situation.

Aiden walked at a pace that was clearly fine for him but her legs were much shorter than his so she had to jog beside him as he wound his way through the little streets that went from the cinema to the centre of the village. Once he reached the open area that was right in the middle of Casterfield he walked to the statue in the middle, Maddie gasping for air behind him.

“Aiden please.” She panted and tried to pull her hand free.

Aiden’s grip was too strong. It wasn’t tight enough to hurt her but strong enough that she was not breaking free anytime soon. He walked past the statue to the bench on the other side of it.

During the day this bench was never empty. All the different walks of life used it. In fact it had almost become quite famous in Casterfield. Apparently once you had sat on it you were thought to be a real member of the Casterfield community.

Maddie had never sat on it. She had thought about it whenever she walked past it but had not sat down. To sit in that seat would mean that she would be staying in Casterfield. She knew it was a silly legend but Maddie still couldn’t bring herself to do it. Not that it matters because it was never free when she had seen it. This was not exactly how she wanted her first time sitting on it to be, with Aiden raging at her.

He swung her forward so that she stood in front of him and then moved her backwards so that the bench touched the back of her legs.

“Aiden.” Maddie tried again.

He didn’t listen though but instead gave her a little push so that she sat back and down on to the bench. That was it. She had sat on it. Although nothing around her changed she felt different inside herself.

Shaking her head she ignored the feelings about the stupid bench and tried to fully focus on the man who was now pacing in front of her. What was he going to do or say? He just seemed to get more annoyed when she spoke so maybe it was best that she sat there and waited for him to speak.

Maddie let her hands rest in her lap and looked down as she intertwined her fingers over and over again. The nervous energy was so strong inside her that she needed to do something, even if it was just a little something. Aiden wouldn’t let her off the bench she was sure so this was her way of trying to get it out.

Maddie really had made such a mess!

It was more than clear she had made the wrong choice today. Instead of listening to the loud voice insider her head, the one that had been created by her life with Charles, Maddie should have listened to the quiet one. This voice was small but it was getting stronger every day. Her time with Aiden was making it grow in volume. She had just fallen on old habits and listened to the louder of the two.

“I am done.” Aiden said as he stopped pacing and standing in front of her, looking down at her head.

Maddie’s eye’s shot up to look right into Aiden’s. She could visibly see that he meant every word. That he was ‘done’. Maddie’s mouth dropped open as she sucked in air to try and help with the crippling pain she felt in her heart. She had never felt anything like it before.

Her brain started filling with images of a life without Aiden in it. The feeling of being alone for ever, of not having him whisper things into her ear in bed. No more would he give Marvin rubs down or kiss her till she couldn’t breathe or think straight. No more would he walk up behind her and wrap his arms round her for no other reason than they hadn’t touched in a while. Maddie would never get to hear his laugh anymore.

Maddie was such an idiot.

“Aiden.” She almost whimpered as her eyes still looked into his pleading.

He didn’t move from his towering over her position. He just kept looking at her but she could see his chest rise and fall faster than normal. Aiden wasn’t immune to the emotions filling the air around them.

Again this situation brought up Maddie’s past. This was a stance that Charles would take as the anger nearly took him over. Now Aiden was using it but he was filled with many emotions and he would never cause her pain.