Beautifully Awake (39 page)

“Chase, what ... why are you-”

“I know you’re confused, baby, it’s normal. But you’re awake, you’re talking and you’re mine. Sweet fuck. Christ, I could have lost you.”

“Hey ... you didn’t lose me. I’m right here with you.” She couldn’t really lift her head from the pillow but weakly pulled my face to hers and kissed my nose. Fuck, if I hadn’t done that to her sweet face a million times. It was the softest, sweetest kiss. Her warm lips were my heaven.

Then a shadow crossed her face. “I remember … Chase, I remember everything. The stairwell, CJ ... he was … oh my god, it was Jennings ... and then I fell. My head … it hurts so bad.” She cringed and clenched her eyes while she attempted to grab the back of her head.

“Baby, don’t touch, you have a nice sized gash back there. We’ll get you some more pain meds. We didn’t want to give you too much that you couldn’t wake up.” Shit, I could only imagine how fucking bad her head hurt.

“What about poor Kate, is she okay? Oh god, did he do something to her?” My selfless girl had her head bashed in by a fucking lunatic, was in a coma for two days, had so much brain swelling she needed to have her body temperature dropped so low she almost shivered off the fucking bed, and she was worried about her girlfriend. I loved this woman.

“Kate’s fine. Don’t worry about her. And Jennings, he’s a fucking drug addict rotting in a jail cell. He won’t hurt you or anyone else again.”

“Sierra ... and the baby? Oh god, she’s gonna be worried about me. It can’t be good for the baby.”

“Shhh. Sierra’s fine too. She’s actually downstairs on labor and delivery. She broke her water this morning. Otherwise, she’d probably still be up here driving me fucking crazy. Looks like you woke up just in time. You’re gonna be an aunt sometime tonight.”

“This morning, what ... wait, what day is it?” Her brows shot up in confusion.

“Wednesday night, baby. You’ve been in a coma.” Damn. I hated the panic on her face.

“A coma? What? Did my dad know? Oh god.” She was still worried about everyone else. Pure fucking sweet.

“It’s okay, baby, look at me. Everyone knows. Everyone’s been here patiently waiting for you to wake up.” I smiled for the first time in days. Fuck, it felt so good. I pressed the call button and told the ICU nurse she was awake and to get her morphine drip ready.

“I sent your dad and Sharon back to my place a few hours ago. They needed some sleep—they haven’t left your side. They were exhausted, but they’ll want to hear your voice. Let me get them on the phone. You okay to talk?”

She nodded.

While she talked to her dad, I texted Dodd and Asher.

AWAKE!

My girl looked so weak, pale and battered talking on the phone, but she was talking. It was the best fucking sight in the world. She hung up and smiled at me, nothing but love in her eyes.

She wasn’t going to rest peacefully until everyone was accounted for, so before she asked, I gave her the rundown. “Dodd texted back. Sierra just got her epidural. He’ll keep us in the loop and have her call once she’s comfortable. Just so you know, she hasn’t stopped bawling since she found out you’re awake.”

“She’s never gonna let me live this one down. Poor Dodd.” She half smiled. “Was she that bad?”

“Put it this way, baby, I finally figured out the whole Asspuck name. She’s ... a lot ... and be glad you’re not down there. Dodd basically made it sound like he has been doing nothing but wiping fluids ... fluids dripping from too many orifices.”

“Ow, don’t make me laugh.” She winced in pain when she chuckled. But she laughed. She was awake and laughing.

“Do you have any idea how many times I’ve pictured your beautiful smile?”

She bit her bottom lip and did that thing where her smile goes a little crooked, driving me crazy. So fucking sweet. “Careful, baby, that’s the face that puts me over the edge. And I need you better. We have plans. Lots of plans, involving some quality healing time at the Cape ... naked.”

She groaned and coaxed me to come closer to her frail body. Her arms and legs freely moved. Thank fucking god.

I climbed into the way too small bed, and she curled against my chest. She was so thin, her ribs pressed against me and I felt her heartbeat. The best feeling. Then she wiggled her left hand in the air.

“I’ll make you a deal, me naked ... for a lifetime with you.”

Fuck, yes. Was she implying what I fucking hoped? If this was a dream, fucking leave me in it.

“Are you saying you’re ready, Blue? Because I’ll marry you tomorrow, baby, truth.”
Truth
. No sooner did the word come out of my mouth, I knew I had to tell her. If she was going to promise me forever, she deserved to know. She deserved truth. “There’s something else I need to tell you, baby. Something you need to know before you can promise me forever.”

“Let me guess.” She coughed and winced in pain, but she was still smiling. “You don’t know the first thing about hockey, do you, Dr. Know-it-all?” Her smile never wavered, but the look she gave me said something completely different. She was giving me an out. And her blue eyes were begging me to take it. Battered and weak, she was trying to protect my sorry ass. No more.

“Hate the fucking game, but you already knew that, baby ... but that’s not what I’m talking about. I need you to listen, Blue. I need you to know what I’ve done ... who I am.”

“Shh-shh.” Her finger covered my lips. “You listen. I
know
all I need to know. I know you love me. I know you’d do anything for me. I’m ready to spend the rest of my life as yours.
Yours
. Whatever you have to say, whatever you may have done, isn’t going to change that. Ever. I’m not blind, Chase, I see it. I still see the pain in your eyes. I see the weight you carry on your shoulders. And when you’re ready, you’ll tell me. When
you’re
ready. Not for me, but for you. You waited for me; I’ll wait for you. We have forever.”

The knock on the door interrupted the sweetest, gentlest kiss of my life.

“Hi Lili. I’m Dr. Finley. It’s awesome to see you awake.” She was still too fucking chipper, given the fact that forty-eight hours ago she was concerned about the viability of
our baby.
Fuck
.
The baby Lili had no clue about yet.

I sighed, slid off her bed and kissed the tip of her nose. Now or never. I would have done anything to shield her from more pain, but she needed to hear this from me. This was too fucking cruel. “Baby, there’s more, but I need you to be strong. Dr. Finley is an OBGYN, she’s here to check you out.”

Her smile fucking vanished..

“OB?” she whispered. “I’m pregnant? Or are you telling me I
was
pregnant?” Her voice was so small and broken. I fucking hated myself. I wished I had more time to explain. It didn’t help that
Chipper
was in the room ready to chime in.

“Lili, you’re very early on, about six weeks. The baby has been through a lot, so we need to do an ultrasound to see where things stand.”

Lili eyes welled. This sucked.

Salty tears spilled down her cheeks and wet my lips, as she mumbled, “I’m sorry, so sorry.”

I sat back to look her in the eyes. “Sorry? Why are you sorry? Baby, there is absolutely nothing for you to be sorry about. Nothing. Do you hear me? We made this baby together. I love you, more than anything.”

She thought I regretted that she was pregnant. Fuck no. She needed to know I was never upset about the baby. I wasn’t that same selfish scared kid. She wasn’t going to suffer this loss alone.

I leaned in close and whispered back, “Truth, baby. I want this as much as you. I’m the one who’s sorry.” I made the call that cost us our baby. I couldn’t speak past the burn in my throat, so I nodded in Quinn’s direction. Prolonging the inevitable was not going to help.

Quinn positioned the ultrasound probe low on her abdomen. I zeroed in to the same dark sac that was there two days ago, and waited ... and there it was ... the tiny white flicker.
A heartbeat.

“Lili, there’s your baby,” Quinn said in the best chipper voice and pointed to the screen.

My Blue gasped before breaking out into a smile that passed her beautiful blue eyes and pierced my fucking heart. Then there they were, just like they were supposed to be—her tears of joy streamed down her face.

“The heartbeat looks much stronger today, I’m pleased. But as I explained to Chase the other day, it really is too soon to tell. First trimester exposures to any extremes, whether it be drugs, radiation or even temperature, they usually have an all or nothing effect. You and your body have been through a lot, Lili. We will just have to wait and see.”

Blue looked at me. She said it herself; she was so not blind. She got it. “Temperature? You used the KimCore on me, didn’t you?”

“I had to, baby. I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t just sit around waiting and seeing.”
Please understand. Please forgive me.

“You saved me, Chase. You’re the reason I woke up. Don’t you dare second-guess yourself. You made the right choice. You
always
do, you always have.” Her eyes locked on mine with an intensity I’d never seen before, like somehow she knew what I needed to hear, like somehow she knew what I’d done. Her eyes told me she knew. I didn’t know how or to what extent. But she knew. I wished she would repeat those words one day when I was brave enough to say it out loud. When I was ready to forgive myself for the
only
choice I had.

Fuck
waiting and seeing.

We were getting married. We were having a baby. We were a family.

In the words I learned from my beautiful selfless girl—fuck guilt, fuck sleep-running. No more pauses, no more rewinds. This was playing out live. Forever started now. I tucked her into my side and kissed her sweet nose.

“My girl’s gonna be a mama. I love you, Blue.”

We fell in love with Chase and Lili over a two-week beach vacation and way more than two bottles of wine. But bringing their story to life took us a year, a seriously long year, of late night writing, editing, laughing, rewriting, and A LOT more editing to get it done. But we did it, we finally finished our first book! We would have never been able to do it without each other, nor would we have wanted to. When anyone asks who wrote “those” scenes, we have the perfect answer: “She did.” By the end, we were literally typing together—thanks to a shared Google document—and finishing each other sentences! Every minute was a blast (ok, not every minute, but most) and through it all we aren’t sick of each other yet. Our friendship has grown to unattainable heights! Love you, Asspuck. Right back at ya! Ready for round two?

But it was the unbelievable support of some amazing people along our way that made it possible to push the publish button … eek!

To our smokin’ hot, sexy, heart-stopping husbands and five perfect children who kept our secret, encouraged us to write outside the box and indulged us when we completely tuned out and grunted answers because we were half listening and half writing. Your two cents is most important and always will be. We love you ... you are our HEAs. That’s
truth
!

Lori Sabin, our talented editor: You took us on a whim, you endured our iPhone edits, and you undoubtedly, hands down, have the politest way of saying rewrite it again, still too long. You made us more concise, you made our surgeon a little more sanitary, you made our straight quotes (the ones that ruined your vacation) curly, and most importantly, you made us work insanely hard to see you write “love”... you don’t throw the L word around lightly. And when we were toning down you gave us the courage to bring back the “steam.” You are truly inspiring and unbelievably patient. Thank you just does not suffice … and to think all we had to offer you was CRUMBS.

All of our girls … you know who you are ... please don’t be mad. No more secrets, we promise! Hopefully you will recognize a taste of each of you and your humor. You were with us every step of the way, even if you didn’t know it. You gave us examples of true friendship to write about and endless supplies of laughs! You are all our Sierra. Thanks for making each day a little lighter, a little funnier and making us realize everyone is a teensy bit bat-shit crazy. Just sayin’!

To our parents: Surprise! We wrote a book—cue, mumble under breath—a contemporary romance with some, um … racy scenes. In true amazing parent fashion, as always, your pride and support outshined your shock. Sorry we disappeared for a year! But you taught us to finish what you start and never give up …
Yes, I can.
Thank you for that.

To our siblings: Thanks for NOT telling Mom and Dad right away and being sketchy beta readers for us … LOL!

To Jill & company: Even though you failed at beta reading, sista, you came through big time with our amazingly sleek and modern website … not to mention the tats (wink ;)). And who would answer all of our endless social media questions at any hour, day or night? You’re the best.

To our Betas: Tosha, Rebecca, Dawnita, Maria, Michelle, Sarah, and Robin … thank you for your brutal honesty and your thoughtful feedback. And you read the unabridged version! You can all take full credit for the disappearing honeys and handsomes, for hopefully succeeding in getting us out of our head (yes, we think we became Lili) and for encouraging a quick title change. Sorry—Asspuck was way too important to us, and believe it or not, we did change the epilogue (it’s a whole lot shorter). We had no idea what to expect when we hit send—we weren’t kidding about the nervous stomach—but you set the bar for generosity with your time and support. We can’t wait to pay it forward.

To our cover designer and formatter Emily Tippetts: Your step-by-step tutorial on just about anything and everything was invaluable. You rock. Our cover is beautiful—we love it! You captured our vision and tolerated our crazy tweaking to reach that perfect shade of blue. And ohhh, the bracelet … it was a must and a great lesson learned. Find the vision then write about it. Not vice versa. Thanks for not “killing us” for every mock up change. Who knew moving font up and down on the back cover was so important?

And last, to all of our readers and supporters: You make us want to do it all again in a heartbeat! Thanks for reading and spending your free time giving the new girls some love. We appreciate it beyond words!

To see our Chase and Lili inspirations visit our
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…...Stay tuned for Asher’s story---2014!!!