Beautiful Pain (26 page)

Vanessa was staring at her with shock and disbelief, her jaw hanging open. She swallowed hard, nodding for Sophia to continue.

“
Then I came to Belfast. My parents didn’t stop me when I was driving to the airport. I thought they wouldn’t let me go. I was crying on the plane because I was so happy to be finally away from them.”

Then she told her about the first day when she met Harry and how much he disliked her. She was furious with him. Then he started talking to her and she found him appealing, then the attraction evolved between them. She told Vanessa about the first day when he kissed her and about their day at the beach. Then about how she pushed him away because he saw her scars.

“
When I heard his mother on the phone today I couldn’t believe it. My whole world crashed and I couldn’t take a breath. I was suffocating.”

Vanessa still wasn’t saying anything, she was drawing a long, deep breath, staring at Sophia in bewilderment.

“
Why didn’t you say anything? I thought that you were all right. When I hadn’t heard from you I thought that you were busy or you didn’t want to talk to me,” she said, pacing around the room. Then she stopped and ran her hand through her hair. “Self harm, my God, Sophe, how could you do that to yourself? I mean, you were always so strong and aggressive about everything that you were doing!”

Sophia remembered that person from years ago, it was before her parents wanted to have this perfect daughter, before they demanded that she had to up her grades. Everything was so much simpler then.

“
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but everything changed once you were gone. My mother kept looking up to my cousins. She was never happy with anything I was doing. She wanted to show me off to her rich friends.”

“
Are you all right now? I mean, you aren’t doing anything to yourself anymore?” asked Vanessa shyly.

This was the worst part. Sophia wasn’t sure if she was able to tell Vanessa that after so many years of not needing that pain anymore she used Vanessa’s kitchen knife.

“
I was fine until the first date with Mason. He touched me unexpectedly and I just broke I had a panic attack and I ...”

“
You harmed yourself again?”

“
I did, but I have stayed away from it since then and I am in control now. I am not going back to that dark place again.”

“
Because of Mason, or because of Harry?”

“
I shouldn’t have gone out with Mason, it was all wrong from the beginning. After today I know that I made a terrible mistake,” she howled.

“
I can’t believe that you didn’t tell me anything sooner. Mason is probably a great guy, handsome with great manners, but I don’t see that spark between the two of you. However, I am sure you have feelings for him.”

“
This is all wrong. I shouldn’t have even been in the hospital. I told them that I was his girlfriend, and if probation finds out about us I am finished.”

“
Well you need to ask yourself what you want. Your career or Harry?”

Sophia knew what she wanted, but she wasn’t brave enough to even think about it. She was just a coward, afraid of her parents and her complex past. She would curse God if he would take him away. She couldn’t imagine being without him.

She went to bed after a shower. She wasn’t even sure what she was going to do about Mason. She could clearly see that she shouldn’t have given him any hope.

Was this love? Did she fall for Harry because he pushed her away?

***

The next day Sophia couldn’t concentrate much at work. She wanted to ask Margaret to transfer Harry to someone else. Every time she went to her she couldn’t bring herself to ask her. She was a coward. At the end of the day she made the decision to keep quiet. She was just too scared. When five o’clock struck, she went straight to the hospital, not thinking about what was wrong or right anymore.

When she entered the hospital her pulse increased and her breathing hardened. This was her worst nightmare being around sick people. All the memories rushed back to her, she was back to the same place, the same small room. She stopped, breathing out and in, she was here for Harry.

He was still lying in the same position with the same equipment looking pale and vulnerable. The skin around his eyes was yellow. Every time Sophia looked at him, she felt guilt that spread around her stomach, swirling through her bloodstream. She was sure that he was beaten up because of the drugs that he had been supplying. She sat next to his bed and talked. This time there wasn’t any barriers between them. She had to tell him everything even though he couldn’t hear her.

Chapter Twenty Seven

“
Harry, I am here again, because I am willing to tell you everything. I am not going to lie anymore. You need to hear how my life is much more fucked up than yours. I told you before that I used to live in London with my parents. When I was growing up I felt loved. Well, don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I didn’t have anything. We were quite wealthy. My parents are entrepreneurs and they always looked after me. They had wide aspirations. When I turned sixteen they started to demand more from me. They expected me to have great grades. They didn’t like that I was more into sports rather than art like my cousin, Jessica. My mother hired a teacher that treated me like I was stupid. I stopped going out and seeing my friends because I had to study so my parents would be happy. Everything became a struggle. My mother kept telling me that she was ashamed of me.

Sophia stopped talking and brushed her fingers over Harry’s hand. He was still breathing through the life support system. He had no idea that she was there, wanting him to wake up and take her back. Sophia sighed and wiped the tears off her face. She knew that she had to continue; somehow talking about her own life gave her some encouragement. Besides, Harry couldn’t hear her.

“
My story isn’t easy, it’s wrong and painful. I always had high self-esteem, but when everyone around you starts telling you that you aren’t worth anything it’s bound to bring you down. I don’t want to blame my parents for what they did to me, but after going back from school into an empty house I felt that I was under tremendous pressure. I constantly thought about my grades. I enjoyed running, but I couldn’t go out and train because I had to study. I remember well when I knew that I wasn’t the same person. It was after that afternoon with Aunt Lucy. When I got to my room I couldn’t breathe, I was losing my mind. Then I saw a pair of sharp nail scissors and cut myself with them. I don’t even remember now why I had to do it, but after that I felt amazing; numb and incredibly light. All my problems suddenly disappeared. My parents didn’t know anything about this. I was closed in my own little world; I had my own demons that I had to deal with. My grades weren’t any better, but I didn’t care. I found my own way of dealing with pressure, stress, and the way my parents talked to me. This happened shortly after my friend Vanessa left to live in Ireland. After that I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I never had a good relationship with my mother. She was always so uptight about everything that I did. She never told me that she loved me, or that I did well in school. My parents always demanded something from me. After that incident in my room I started cutting my body on a regular basis. I always made sure that no one would notice anything, so I used to cut through my stomach and thighs. My mind was filled with liberation and magic when I tore my skin to pieces.

“
There is so much that I want to tell you, so you can see that I am more damaged than you are. At least you are doing something to save your mother. I know it’s wrong, and if you get caught you will get a long sentence, but you’re doing that because you love her.” She paused again. “I carried on with self-harming until I was seventeen. No one ever noticed the scars, even my cousin, Ramona. She was the only one that made an effort to become my friend. She kept visiting me after school, but I never told her about my silly secret. I was hiding evidence really well and no one knew what I was doing in my room, my parents were too busy until
that
day.

“
That day I forgot to lock the door and my mother found me in my room. I wasn’t expecting her to be at home. I was sure that she left to go to Milan the night before. I felt that I was drowning again, people were making jokes about me in school. I had panic and anxiety attacks very often. That day something inside me broke and I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. Everything seemed like I was walking through a fog. I think I lost control of myself that day because I kept pushing and pushing that small pink knife to go further. In the end I only remember my mother standing in the door, staring at me like she was about to have a fit. She discovered my dirty secret that day and since then nothing has ever been the same.”

Sophia had gone silent, placing her hands together. She was holding Harry’s hand, wondering if he was taking anything in. She’d wanted to forget that scene for so long, but she never could let go of that horrible memory. That evening the demon attacked her soul. When the dark rivers were flowing underneath her she felt safe. When she was staring at blood that was just flowing down her body, she felt that she would never have to suffer again.

When the nurse reminded her about visiting hours, she realised that she had been with Harry for four hours. The nurses knew her well, but she avoided talking to them. She was too afraid that they would start asking questions. Harry’s mother still hadn’t shown up. It was just a matter of time; she was probably too ill to even leave her bed.

When she came home, Vanessa was still in work. Mason had called her at work, but she still didn’t answer. She couldn’t bring herself to talk to him, but she wasn’t going to wait until he knocked on her door.

She organised to see him tomorrow after work. Her stomach was dull with uneasiness when she thought about what she was going to tell him. They shared a passionate kiss together, but Sophia couldn’t carry on seeing him. She was devoted to Harry, even though she wasn’t allowed to see him outside probation. She had a long shower and a small supper, and in the end she went to bed. She never realised that talking to someone close would make her release the tension that she had been carrying for years. She wanted to tell him so much more. She just had to pull the words out, leaving nothing.

She’d never believed in God, but now she was praying, hoping that Harry would get better. He had to wake up, there was no two ways about that.

She wasn’t able to put any soul into what she was doing at work. Susan came back from her annual leave looking much more relaxed, and she didn’t bother Sophia much. The day passed without surprise, and when five o’clock struck Sophia felt like she had stones in her stomach. She could hear how loud her heart was beating. Mason was waiting for her in the coffee shop outside the probation office. He looked good with messed up brown hair, staring at her intensely as she walked in. Now she understood; she didn’t feel anything at all when she saw him. Mason was just a regular guy and her heart was dancing violently in her chest when she thought about what she was going to say.

“
Sophia, are you all right?” he asked straight away, trying to pull her to him, but she just smiled faintly. She was feeling physically sick. She had never broken up with someone before. In her teens when she had a boyfriend they just stopped talking to her, but this was a completely different situation.

“
I am fine, Mason, do you want anything to drink?” she asked, wanting to be polite. He didn’t deserve to be treated any other way.

“
Coffee, please, but hey let me get it.”

She didn’t want to argue, so she watched him as he ordered a cold drink for her and a coffee for himself. She took a deep breath once he was in front of her. Deep down she always knew that this wasn’t going to work out between them, but she was pushing it, hoping it would work.

“
So tell me what is going on? You haven’t been answering your phone.”

“
Mason, I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. I just don’t believe that I am ready for this,” she blurted out, staring directly into his eyes. At first he continued smiling, probably thinking that this was some kind of bad joke, but then the smile vanished from his face.