Beautiful Pain (11 page)

“
Mum, please, I am fine so just give me a break. Besides, I am not a child anymore.”

“
I know, but what if you start harming ...”

“
Mum, I don’t need to do that anymore. I am clean and I have been for two years,” insisted Sophia. “I need to get going. I will call you some other time.”

“
All right, darling, take care.”

Sophia was right, her mother was really checking on her. She left her phone on the bed and decided not to think about her parents or even London. They were far away and they couldn’t tell her what to do. Her panic attacks were making her vulnerable, but she had to prove to herself that she was able to make her own choices. This was her chance to change everything.

***

On Wednesday night Sophia was nervously looking at her own reflection in the mirror. She sprayed her hair, hoping to keep it in order tonight, but as usual it didn’t behave. She went for a long, sleeveless maxi dress that showed off her curves. She thought long and hard about this evening. Mason had no idea what Sophia went through, but she had to keep it together. She wasn’t going to kiss him until she was absolutely ready. Sophia was glad that Vanessa was at work, so at least she didn’t have to deal with her nagging questions and difficult comments. A chill spread over her shoulder, and the ripple of anxiety rushed down her spine when her phone buzzed.

Mason texted her saying that he was waiting for her outside. Sophia sucked the corner of her mouth, put her sandals on, and rushed downstairs. Before her mother found her in the room she went out for many dates, but this was completely different. She wasn’t sure how to behave and what to do, so she decided to be upfront with Mason.

He was driving an old Ford Focus. She didn’t want to show him that she was nervous. The ache in her stomach stopped when she finally looked at him.

“
How are you my African princess?” he asked, smiling widely.

“
Uhm, fine,” she replied, blushing.

“
Uhm, that doesn’t sound good. Are you sure? You look a bit pale,” he asked, arching his eyebrow. Sophia’s stomach tightened. She couldn’t pretend that she was all right. She had to tell him now what was bothering her.

“
Okay, here is the thing. You are probably guessing that I am going to kiss you at the end of this date. Maybe this sounds really ridiculous and you will probably change your mind after what I am going to say, but I haven’t been out on many dates recently. I don’t really know what to do. The kissing part is really scary—”

“
Don’t worry,” he interrupted her. “I wasn’t going to kiss you anyway, so relax and let me show you how to have a good time. Let’s pretend that this conversation never took place.”

“
But ...”

“
No, I want to take you out and I promise that I will behave. Don’t worry, I won’t be kissing you today,” he added and started the engine. Sophia stared at him for several seconds, unable to move. He wasn’t making a big deal out of it, so after a moment she relaxed slightly. Maybe she was just stupid telling him that she wasn’t going to kiss him. He probably thought that she was behaving like a total idiot.

They were driving in silence for several minutes; Sophia noticed that they were moving away from the centre. Mason switched on the music and gave her a warm smile. He looked sexy in a plain white shirt and jeans.

“
Do you like Dido?” he asked.

“
Seriously, you listen to Dido?” she chuckled.

“
What’s wrong with that?”

“
Nothing, I just didn’t expect you to like her,” she responded, tipping the edge of her lips in a smile. Mason turned a sharp left and gave her a hostile look.

“
There is a lot that you don’t know about me.”

Sophia sunk back to her chair, feeling less agitated. So far he had been understanding and behaved like a gentleman. Mason asked about her day at the office and about Vanessa. He seemed genuinely interested in her life. After a half an hour drive, Mason parked the car in front of a busy street. She spotted a long queue, probably to the club, and heard the loud music. Mason opened the door for her and took her hand, helping her out of the car.

“
So where are we going?” she asked, feeling apprehensive about spending her first date in a loud club. She felt that her body was sending dangerous signals to her mind. The storm was near and if she was going to hold it together she needed a miracle.

Chapter Eleven

Mason smiled, but he didn’t turn to enter the club. He walked into a restaurant next door. Sophia drew a deep breath, feeling silly. She had to relax; he was a decent guy.

She felt calmer once she sat down in the quiet restaurant. Mason was staring at her intensely; his expression yet again was unreadable. Something flickered in his eyes, and then it was gone. The waiter approached their table.

“
I forgot to tell you that you look really beautiful tonight,” said Mason after the waiter took their drink order.

“
Thank you.”

“
Are you sure you aren’t a lost princess?”

Sophia laughed, forgetting about the tension that she had been carrying for the past hour. Her behavior was probably freaking him out. This was just a normal date, not an exam, and she was behaving ridiculously.

“
I am just a regular girl.”

“
You are far from regular Sophia,” he muttered and winked at her.

As the evening began to unfold, Sophia learnt that Mason had lived in Bristol most of his life. Two years ago he met Maggie, his ex-girlfriend. They moved in together after only six months and they became inseparable. When Maggie got a job offer in Belfast, Mason didn’t have to think about the move twice. They were happy for several months and Mason was ready to propose. Everything changed once Maggie took a new job. She became moody and she was always coming home late. Then they started arguing. It wasn’t long before they separated. Later on Mason found out that Maggie had moved in with some Irish bloke that she met at work.

“
I thought that she was the one, but now I think that I was wrong. We just weren’t suited for each other,” he explained. Sophia nodded.

“
I don’t believe that you can ever find the one. Love can be challenging.”

“
Maybe you are right. Love brings the worst out of us, we never know where it could take us,” he said as the waiter took away their plates. “I am sure you won’t say no to a dessert?”

“
I am stuffed and I don’t think I could eat anymore” she sighed. She had been drinking white wine throughout the meal and she was feeling tipsy. The alcohol was helping her; she was feeling much more confident than an hour ago.

“
All right then, time for a surprise,” added Mason, smiling.

“
I don’t like surprises,” she laughed.

“
Don’t worry it’s not a scary surprise,” muttered Mason. “Anyway, let me take care of the bill.”

“
No, no, no! We are going to split it,” protested Sophia.

“
Don’t be ridiculous, Sophia. I invited you so it’s my treat.”

She had to give in, but she told him that she was going to pay the next time … if there was be a next time. She became tense again thinking about Mason’s plans. She hated surprises, but he quickly waved off her worries when he took her to the small club that couldn’t compete with the large one across the street.

“
Don’t worry, we’re only going there for a drink,” he whispered into her ear. Sophia wasn’t sure what Mason was planning, he obviously had something in mind. Surprisingly the club wasn’t what Sophia expected as they stepped straight into Spanish music.

On the dance floor several couples were dancing Salsa. The lights were bright and the atmosphere fun and quirky. She was staring, mesmerized at the young dark haired Spanish teacher that was giving suggestions to everyone around.

She glanced at Mason, who was staring at her reaction and looking slightly worried.

“
I hope you don’t mind, but I thought that dancing could be fun,” he said, sounding uneasy.

“
Well, I’ve never done this before,” she replied loudly, biting her lips. She was never into dancing, but she was willing to give it a go, plus everyone looked like they were having fun.

“
Me neither that’s why I thought about this, we both can make fun of each other,” he chuckled and pushed her towards the floor. Fortunately for Sophia today’s lesson was for beginners so she picked up the steps pretty quickly. Mason wasn’t a great dancer, but he was following the instructions of the teacher with a great precision. They were doing the best they could and after about two hours Sophia was laughing so much that she couldn’t control herself. The teacher gave them some suggestions and they had both made slight progress. Before eleven they still had time to get a quick drink at the bar.

“
Thank you for this, I had a great time, but I still can’t dance Salsa,” Sophia said while Mason was driving. Her dress was stuck to her back, but she didn’t care that she was sweaty and flushed. She enjoyed herself a lot with her date.

“
I made an absolute fool of myself,” he marveled. “I promise that I can only get better.”

“
It didn’t matter. We had fun, thank you.”

“
No, thank you for agreeing to go out with me.”

When he finally stopped in front of her apartment, her anxiety slipped through her skin, filling her belly. Mason looked at Sophia with those dangerous dark eyes, probably trying to guess if the agreement about the kiss was still there. She pressed her hands together feeling hesitant and tense. She wasn’t expecting him to make a move.

“
Sophia, I would like to see you again,” he said in a low, silky tone.

“
I will be quite busy in the next few days, so let’s see what we can sort out sooner rather than later,” she muttered and smiled, not sure what to do with her hands. His eyes scared her so she did what she thought was right and opened the door to get out of the car. Mason took her hand unexpectedly. The anxiety contracted through her stomach, moving along her blood stream. She pulled away, drawing a long breath.

“
Have a good night,” he shouted when she was walking away, unaware what was going on with her. Once she was alone in the corridor she closed her eyes and started breathing. She couldn’t push away the feeling that she was drowning again. Her skin was burning, she felt lightheaded and nauseous. The blood rushed to her head leaving her drenched with sweat. She needed to release that pressure; the vein on her forehead throbbed. In the lift, she started hearing the voices of her parents telling her that she couldn’t forget about them. Demons were circulating underneath her, pulling her into deep dark waters. With the last strength she thought she had she entered the apartment. Vanessa wasn’t at home, so Sophia went straight to the kitchen and opened the drawer. She saw the long shiny knife and took a sharp intake of breath. The penetrating sharpness and perfection were talking to her. She had to use it to get back to her normal self, outflow the darkness and her demons. She remembered the liberation and the beautiful pain.

Her hands were shaking when she touched the handle, her lower lip started to tremble with anticipation. She couldn’t breathe and there was blackness in the edge of her vision. Demons were laughing at her, insinuating she wasn’t strong enough to cut her skin again.