Beautiful Dream (12 page)

Chapter 7

-Luci-

It took a few days, but I finally text Josh apologizing. I feel so stupid with all the back and forth. I’m so confused, and I actually spent the better half of a day researching therapists. I went to one a while back, and maybe I need to see one again, just until I figure things out. Especially now that Josh is back in my life.

The rest of the week I spend packing up my dorm room. Ren’s been helping while simultaneously letting me vent, and Gracie even skips school on Thursday to come up and take some stuff home, since it all won’t fit in my car.

I haven’t talked to Luke since last week, and I’ve put off talking to him as long as I possibly can. On Friday morning, I finally officially end things. He doesn’t seem too upset, and I’m definitely not either. He said we were never actually “together,” which would have surprised me had it not been for that time in the bar, but whatever.

Afterwards, Ren and I laugh about it while saying our goodbyes.

I promise to call and text often, and we even make plans for her to come stay with me over Spring Break at the end of April.

Two hours into my boring drive home I let curiosity get the best of me. I call Josh, because it’s obviously me who can’t stay away.

He answers on the first ring, and the amount of relief in his voice doesn’t escape me.

“I’m all packed up and on my way home. I said goodbye to Ren, to all my other friends… my dorm room. That was it. That was college.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s how things go though, right? Everything has to come to an end eventually.”

“Not everything.”

“Right,” I roll my eyes.

“I’m sorry about Deb, and for making you-”

“It’s fine,” I interrupt. “I am just as much to blame for what we did.”

“Are you okay?” He hesitates.

“What do you mean?”

“You have a boyfriend, no? You must be so torn up over-”

“I don’t,” I interrupt again. “It was over from the start, sentenced from the minute I saw you again, sealed the instant you showed up when I found out about my Dad, and it’s hard for other people to live up to someone else…” my voice trails off. “But we did officially end things this morning. Although, I don’t think we were ever really together. It was…
stupid
. I always seem to do stupid things. Actually, I’m thinking of seeing a therapist about it.”

“Luci,” Josh laughs.

“What?” I sigh.

“You’re rambling.”

“Sorry,” I exhale annoyed.

“It’s okay,” he chuckles. “It’s cute.”

“Cute? Crazy? What’s the difference?” I laugh. “Anyway, any plans tonight?”

“Nope,” he exhales. “Just watching some movies.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yep,” he laughs. “
Indiana Jones
, since someone once told me she prefers Harrison Ford in that, and although I still disagree, I’m trying.”

“Oh come on, ‘Nothing surprises me; I’m a scientist,’” I quote the movie. “It’s right up your alley!”

“God, you are such a geek,” he laughs.

“Well I’ll let you get back to your movie, then,” I smile to myself in my dark car.

“Okay,” he sighs. “Just… thanks for calling.”

“Okay, weirdo,” I joke, and I hear him laugh as we hang up.

I get home late, and sleep in the next day.

By late afternoon, I head to the mall for a mani/pedi, and I’m actually feeling good. I’m even contemplating going shopping afterwards, and if there’s anything I hate most, it’s shopping.

The lady finishes with my toes, and I ask her to wax my eyebrows while I’m here. I feel sadistic, because the ripping of my hair feels good.

“Luci?” I recognize the smooth voice, and open the eye the lady isn’t about to rip to shreds. “That looks extremely painful.”

“It’s not so bad,” I blush. What an awkward and embarrassing position to be spotted in, especially since I didn’t wear any makeup today, knowing I was getting this done. “What are you doing here?”

“No moving!” The lady shouts, her accent stronger than her words.

“I’ll wait outside?” Josh laughs.

“Okay,” I mumble.

Five minutes later, a mirror is being shoved in my face to okay her work. They’re much better than they were before, despite now being extremely red and puffy. I pay the $10, and give her a $2 tip, spotting Josh sitting on a bench just outside.

Fuck
. My heart starts beating rapidly as I walk towards him, and I hoist my designer purse, a birthday gift from my parents, higher on my shoulder.

“Are you stalking me or something?” I kick his foot and he looks up from his phone.

“You caught me,” he stands, surrendering. He’s dressed so casually, complete with backwards baseball cap, and it leaves me wonderstruck. “I need to get more ties, and I purposely came to the mall, which has the largest department store in the area,
just somehow knowing
you’d be here.”

“Well,” I sick my hands in my jacket pockets. “I vaguely remember you admitting you’d come to the mall to try and find me.”

“Well that I did,” he admits, and we start to walk. “Are you in a rush?”

“No,” I shake my head. “Just came to get my eyebrows waxed, and my nails done.” I flash my newly painted fingernails in front of him before stuffing them back into my pockets.

“Very nice,” he smiles. “Want to help me pick out some ties?”

“Sure,” I shrug as we fall in line.

It feels weird walking around the mall with him. It was strange going to a restaurant after being secretive for so long, but the mall! It’s a whole other ball field!

“How’s your Dad doing?” He asks hesitantly.

“Okay,” I shrug. “They’re waiting for one more test result to be sent to the doctor. We’re anxiously counting down until his appointment, which is soon, and it’s with this bigwig doctor in the city who is apparently the best, so that’s good.”

He nods, and we continue our trek across the mall, until a few stores down, he stops.

“I saw you there,” he clears his throat, and I look up, following his stare to a cell phone store. “It was towards the end of summer, right after you graduated. Gracie spotted me, came over and talked to me,” he shakes his head, remembering. “That’s when I found out you were going to Italy.”

I meet his gaze, curious and jealous, because he got to see me and I didn’t get to see him.

“You were with your Mom too,” he continues. “I wanted so badly to go and talk to you, but your last words kept ringing in my ear. Then when Gracie spotted me she practically threatened me not to go to you,” he laughs silently, and I look at him expectantly. “I think that’s the only reason she came up to me in the first place. She saw how badly I wanted to. That’s when she told me where you were going, and I wanted nothing more than to beg you not to go.”

He takes a few more steps before stopping again, and I follow him.

“I stood about here, watching you, but it wasn’t creepy, I swear,” he smiles an adorable half smirk, “and then you know what?”

I’m shifting my weight from foot to foot, anxiously listening.

“I all of a sudden became so damn proud of you. After all we talked about, I
wanted
you to do this
for you
. I was so excited for you to experience such an adventure.”

I smile back at him, nodding my head, a thank you for sharing that with me.

“I know that I don’t deserve you,” he sighs, and his smile disappears.

“That’s not true,” I place my hand on his shoulder. “You just went about
a lot
of things
very poorly
,” I offer my own sad smile. “We also looked at things very differently, because for me, my greatest adventure would have been you, not Italy.”

He winces.

“I was selfish, and in spite of all that I did - the pain and hurt I caused you - I thought letting you live your life was the most selfless, uncharacteristic thing I could do. You deserve better than my drama, and I was up to my nose in it.”

I nod, understanding his point of view, and we start walking again, taking small steps towards the department store.

“When I moved out of Deb’s and was practically pushed to live with Holly again I knew it was
the right
thing to do, but I felt like a total schmuck. To everyone,” he confides. “To you, obviously. To her, the person I was supposed to be with for the kids sake, and then to the actual kid,” he swallows. “Do you know I wasn’t even there when he was born, because Holly and I weren’t really speaking? I mean, he didn’t turn out to me mine, but even when I thought he was, I wasn’t there. I went later that day to see him, but not
then
.”

“Oh, Josh-” I start to console him.

“It gets worse,” he chuckles sadly. “I never told anyone this,” he looks at me, like he’s been waiting forever to get this off his chest. “When I saw him,
my kid
, I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing towards him, or his mother.”

“Well, he wasn’t yours,” I point out. “I don’t think you’re supposed to feel a certain way for a kid that’s not yours. Sometimes you just know, even though at the time you didn’t. Your instincts did.”

“The only thing I knew is that I didn’t want to be stuck in the life I was in!” His voice is angry and pained.

“You can’t beat yourself up over it,” I give him a friendly nudge as we enter the department store.

“I did, though,” he clears his throat. “That entire summer all I thought about was you, and the whole time it killed me because I should’ve been thinking of this child,” he laughs coldly. “But all I wanted was to feel you and hold you, because everything was so fucked up, and you are the only thing that has ever felt right. Even when it was wrong.”

I smile kindly, trying to will my heart to behave.

“If it were up to Holly, we would’ve stayed together. She didn’t even give a shit. She’d kiss me, and I’d feel nothing. She
knew
it too. I’d hold the kid, and I’d feel nothing. It wasn’t
right
. Do you know what that’s like?”

I swallow hard, shaking my head.

“I mean to feel nothing towards your own child! I was the worst Dad in the world,” he sighs. “I’d barely go home, and when I did, it was horrible. I was stuck in a life I didn’t want, because I made a mistake and got married in order to satisfy my parents. And then I was in a marriage I couldn’t get out of, because now there was a child involved. Who I tried desperately to want and connect with but I couldn’t.”

“But you can’t get upset over that! You only felt nothing towards the child, not because you were a bad Dad, but because you sensed he wasn’t yours. You said that deep down you questioned it! I know you will be an amazing Dad one day. Stop punishing yourself.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “If anything positive has come out of this experience it’s that at least I know now that I never want kids,” he laughs. “You know, it was the pool guy’s?”

“Really?” I can’t help my shocked expression. “That’s like something you read about in a book, or see on one of those terrible soaps.”

“I met him one afternoon. He looked exactly like him. There was no mistaking it.”

“Wow,” I whisper.

“She tried to deny it at first, until she realized she was finally caught.”

I shake my head slowly.

“After that I wanted to call you more than anything, even just to tell you what happened, but I know I couldn’t do that to you. Not after being so happy and proud of what you were doing and where you were going. And I know you don’t want to hear it, but you
were
young. I mean, 18, Luci, do you realize that?”

“I know,” I nod.

“So school started again, the paternity test came back, and my lawyers pushed the divorce through. It got ugly. That’s what took so long,” he sighs. “There were prenups, and this new guy - the pool guy,” he swallows. “She didn’t want anything to do with him because he doesn’t have the
status
I do. Those were her words. Money and family politics - the whole thing was a disaster.”

“So that’s why you always did everything against your parents. You didn’t want their money, because it was-”

“Dirty,” he finishes. “Holly and I got married to merge companies, not people. That’s why I wanted to get out. That’s why I chose a different path. Still, my parents went about everything in the simplest ways. They made everything sound so grand. I do believe they were trying to mostly look out for me, with a side of their own interests of course.”

I open my mouth to say something, but he stops me.

“You know, you got me through it,” he smiles my way as we reach the ties section.

“How?”

“Gracie promised that as long as I never contacted you, she would let me in on how you were doing,” he chuckles. “Again, I promise it wasn’t as creepy as it sounds now. God, this all makes me sound like a complete psycho, huh?”