Banished Love (36 page)

“What happened to her?” Gabriel asked with intense, curious eyes.

“One day I realized that Mama was not as active as usual. I asked her about it, and she tried to make light of it. However, I realized that Da had become more uptight. Slowly Mama began to fade, and she finally went to sleep one night to never wake up. Colin, Patrick and I had just begun to realize that she was ill, and then she was gone. Some sort of wasting disease,” I whispered, holding back tears. Gabriel gripped my hand that was on his arm in comfort.

“I missed her dreadfully in the beginning, unable to do anything but lie in bed and cry. Finally Aunt Matilda and Uncle Martin insisted I return to school. Studying, reading became my salvation.

“After I finished my studies, I again felt aimless. My da was little help. He had become distant after Mama’s death, and I couldn’t look to him for guidance.” I paused, thinking back on those hard years after Mama had died. The anguish, confusion, anger I had felt.

“I hated feeling aimless. I wanted to have a purpose to my days. I began going on long walks, though they were frowned upon by Aunt Matilda and Uncle Martin. Da and my brothers remained clueless. It was as though Da only remembered he had a daughter again at supper, when he was forced to acknowledge me.” My throat thickened upon remembering his indifference, his inability to comfort me due to his own grief.

“One day, on one of my walks, I passed a school in a poorer section of town. I was curious to see how the children were learning, so I went in. Even though the children were from poor families, they were receiving a good education. I waited for the end of day, spoke with a few of the teachers, Miss Butler being one of them, and decided I wanted to teach.”

“I returned home that night, feeling a connection with my mama, and discussed it with Da, Colin and Patrick over dinner. Da didn’t have much to say, though I do remember he seemed mildly surprised I wanted to do anything other than sit at home or dream about marriage. Colin and Patrick encouraged me to try for it if I was interested. I took a teaching preparatory course for a year, and I have been teaching for a few years. That’s how I started to teach school. I would have had to have stopped teaching had I married Cameron, but…”

“Why should you give up teaching because you married?” Gabriel asked.

“As a married woman, I should focus on the running of the house. And if the marriage is blessed, children,” I said. “Also the school board only likes to hire unmarried women. They think married women are not morally acceptable to teach.”

“Should you have been working outside of the home as a young wealthy woman?” Gabriel asked.

“Of course not. Most of my family members were shocked. However, once I started teaching and everyone saw how contented it made me, they didn’t prevent me from continuing. Aunt Matilda hoped it would end this year with Cameron’s return.”

“You seem to value the opinion of your family,” Gabriel commented, a slight frown creasing his brow.

“I do. I seek their guidance in most of what I do.”

“Is it important that they approve of me?” he asked. I felt his arm tense beneath my hand.

I hesitated, carefully choosing my words. “I seek their counsel, Gabriel, but they do not decide my mind for me. I am relieved that they approve of you, but that has not hindered or enhanced my feelings or regard for you in any way.”

“What if your family turned against us?” he asked.

“I like to think I’d be strong, like my mama, and do what I felt was right,” I replied, with mild defiance, lifting my chin toward him, meeting his eyes.

“Well, that’s good, Clarissa. At this point, no need to go looking for trouble. I think now is the time to bid you a good evening.”

I looked up to see that we were about to arrive at my front door, with Colin and Lucas already entering. I had lost sense of our surroundings while speaking with Gabriel.

He lifted my hand off his arm and gave my knuckles a soft kiss. “I will call again tomorrow evening, if that is agreeable?” he asked.

“Oh, yes. That would be fine,” I said, my eyes glowing with happiness.

I watched him take his leave, standing on the doorstep in the early evening. Colin eventually returned outside to call me in.

CHAPTER 35

ON ONE BEAUTIFUL SUMMER EVENING, where a light wind blew and there was very little humidity, Gabriel called as usual and asked me to walk toward the park to listen to a concert of the music of John Philip Sousa. Richard had called with him so that he could occupy Colin, allowing Gabriel and me to have time alone.

As we strolled toward the park, I hooked my arm through Gabriel’s, enjoying being with him.

“Your stepmother seems more high-strung than usual,” Gabriel said, breaking into my pleasant reverie.

“She is irritated on a near daily basis that you are allowed to call. And she had to accept two McLeod men into her parlor tonight,” I said. I gripped his arm for a moment, and he met my gaze. “She’s irate with my da because he scuttled her plans for an upcoming tea. She discussed the invitation list over dinner tonight, and I can’t remember the last time I saw Da so angry.”

“Why?”

“The first person on her list was Cameron.”

“Cameron?”

I met his worried gaze. “Yes, I think the purpose of her tea would have been for me to have tea with him. See him in an acceptable light again.”

“What did your da say?”

“He forbade her from inviting ‘that man’ into the house. Said he would never be welcomed after how he treated me.”

Gabriel nodded his agreement. “And you? How do you feel?”

“Worried,” I whispered. “I don’t understand her continued insistence that I reunite with Cameron.”

“You have allies, darling. Colin, your da. Me.”

I nodded, gripping his arm in understanding. “I know. I had hoped to never see him again after seeing him at the school, and yet I keep seeing him or hearing of him at every turn. I want him to disappear.”

“Hopefully he will find another woman to pursue soon.”

I smiled my agreement. After a few moments, I said, “Mrs. Smythe was also upset with Da for not stopping my visits to see my friend Sophie.”

“Sophie?”

“Mrs. Sophronia Chickering, a fellow suffragette.”

“Chickering, of the piano Chickerings?” Gabriel asked, seeming astounded. “You are friends with one such as her?”

“They are only distantly related, and she married into the family,” I replied. “She is a wealthy widow, with the freedom to do as she pleases.”

“And does that appeal to you? Having the wealth and freedom to do what you like?” He watched me.

“Yes. Yes, it does.”

“What type of freedom is it that you seek, Clarissa?”

“Freedom to choose my own destiny. Freedom to work at any job I choose. Freedom to do as I please,” I said, a touch of defiance in my voice.

“And you don’t feel like you have that, living as you do, in a wealthy neighborhood in the South End, with a supportive family?”

I thought I heard a hint of criticism in his voice, which caused me to bristle. “Don’t judge me and my life, Gabriel,” I replied in a colder voice than I had intended.

“I’m not judging, Clarissa. I’m trying to understand what has you chafing so.”

I glanced around, understanding that our conversation was of no real interest to anyone but ourselves. I could hear Richard and Colin arguing ahead about the merits of supporting the Republican or Democratic ticket in the November election.

“You will never know what I truly mean, Gabriel, because you are a man. Simply due to that, you have choices and opportunities I can never dream of. I cannot vote. I cannot choose any profession I wish to study. I cannot…” I paused, at a loss for words to express my discontent.

“You seem especially focused on all the things you cannot do, Clarissa. Why don’t you focus on what you can?”

“Because I’m always left wanting more. I feel so constrained,” I whispered.

“Hmm…” Gabriel seemed lost in thought. “You say you want the freedom to choose your own profession, your own future. You seem to be succeeding.”

“Teaching was one of the few acceptable professions open to me,” I snapped.

“Are you saying you don’t like it?”

“No, of course not. I just wish I had more choice.”

In an instant his mood seemed to change, and his arm was stiff with suppressed anger. He glared down at me as he spoke. “Clarissa, darling, now you are sounding foolish. Do you think my great dream in life was to toil over wood for the rest of my life? Or for Richard to be stuck in a smithy? Or for Jeremy to be in the Philippines in the army?” he demanded, eyes gleaming with anger.

I shook my head, unsure what to say.

“Of course it wasn’t,” he hissed, “but we work to survive. And we’re thankful for the work. And now we will hopefully thrive. But this isn’t how I had envisioned
my
life, man or not.” He glowered at me before glancing away.

“Gabriel,” I began.

“No, Clarissa, sometimes life isn’t fair. We can suffer terribly and think life will never be as we want it. But we must learn to play the hand we are dealt,” he whispered urgently, anger still in his voice. “You can try to change things for the betterment of your life, but you have to find contentment and happiness as you do it. You must be thankful for what you already have.”

“I, I…” I stammered. “I never meant to offend you, Gabriel. I just have this sense that there was more I was meant to do with my life than attend teas and knit.”

“Can’t you see you already do more?” Gabriel asked. “It’s one of the things I admire most about you. You wanted more out of your life, and you ensured you got it. But that is for you to realize. Only you can find contentment with your own life, Clarissa.”

His last sentence caused my thoughts to still.

“No, Clarissa,” he added, then sighed, the tension leaving him. “I may not understand all of your discontent. But it doesn’t mean I won’t try to support you.” He gently gripped my hand on his arm.

“I’m sorry we argued,” I whispered.

“I’m not. An argument’s good for a relationship. And my da used to say, ‘The best part was the making up,’” Gabriel said with a wicked smile causing me to blush. “Can you come to the museum with me tomorrow? I thought your Aunt Betsy would be a good chaperone.”

“I’ll meet you there at three,” I whispered.

***

THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON Aunt Betsy and I pulled up to the Boston Museum on Tremont Street. The large white brick building took up nearly half a city block, its four stories appearing more imposing due to the highly arched windows. We arrived a little after three. A carriage accident had backed up traffic and caused our late arrival. I began to help Aunt Betsy from the carriage but was eased out of the way by Gabriel.

“Let me, Clarissa,” he murmured. He gently picked up Aunt Betsy and had her standing on the street corner in a blink of an eye. “Easier than trying to make your way down those rickety carriage steps, don’t you think?” he said with a half smile and a quick wink. He offered me one arm, the other to Aunt Betsy, and we walked slowly toward the entrance.

We entered the museum, passing through brass doors that led into a large three-storied entranceway flooded with light from the enormous windows. Corinthian pillars rose to the elaborately decorated ornamental plaster ceiling. I glanced up, amazed at the grandeur of the place.

“What would you like to see?” Gabriel asked. “There’s the wax museum, the Egyptian mummies, the art galleries,” he said, rattling off a few options.

Aunt Betsy patted his arm, noticing an empty velvet-covered bench in the large hallway. “I think I will rest over there and allow the two of you to wander at your leisure. The stairs would be too much for me,” she said.

“But Aunt Betsy,” I objected, “don’t you want to see the museum?” I glanced at Gabriel, concerned.

She shared an amused glance with Gabriel before meeting my worried gaze. “Not today dear.” She patted my cheek before turning away toward the empty settee.

“Poor Aunt Betsy,” I murmured as I watched her depart. I heard Gabriel chuckle and was surprised at his lack of concern over her rheumatism. “How can you find this amusing?”

“Why do you think we suggested her as a chaperone in the first place?” he said with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “She would allow us time to wander alone.” He grinned, seeming delighted with himself.

We made our way upstairs to look at the art exposition. We wandered from painting to painting, though I had trouble focusing on anything but the man walking beside me. He reached out to cover my hand with his. “Have you heard from your cousin?”

“Just a short note telling me about the wonders of New York City,” I replied, a hint of resentment in my tone. “And her excitement about traveling to Paris.”

“What don’t you like ’bout New York?”

“It’s too far away,” I complained, closing my eyes. “I know Aunt Betsy argues that we have trains now and travel is much easier than before, but it’s just too far away.”

I opened my eyes, expecting to see mocking amusement in his expression. Instead, I saw compassion and understanding.

“Distance is never easy,” Gabriel said in a low voice. “Having the grace to let go of someone we love to find their happiness, their destiny, even if it’s far from us, is the hardest,” he murmured. “At least, that’s what I’ve found to be most difficult.”

“But what if you aren’t convinced they are truly going to be happy? If they themselves don’t even know what makes them happy?”

Gabriel moved us on to another painting. “It takes longer for some to learn what makes them happy,” he said. “And it’s not for you or anyone else to decide.”

I blushed, looking down for a moment before meeting his gaze again. “I know it’s not for me to decide, but it shouldn’t be for Jonas to decide either,” I argued.

“Is he really as terrible as you believe?” Gabriel asked, blatant curiosity in his voice. We had stopped in front of a painting of a cascading waterfall, the foliage lush and overgrown around the rocks. He now held one of my hands in his, palm up. With his other hand, he began to trace small circles in my palm, making it harder to concentrate.