Balance (The Neumarian Chronicles) (16 page)

A searing light blind
ed me.

Eyes watering,
I lowered my eyelids halfway, straining to see. The light vanished between one blink and another, and the scene changed.

Acadia
. At the far edge of the city, humans existed in an over-crowded squalor that looked closer to ancient depictions of Hell. I knew Raeth and Ryder were near me, somewhere behind me, yet I couldn’t see them. Mandesa stood facing us. The ground quaked. Ships roared into the sky. A whirlwind of sand rose with them then crashed down upon us like a waterfall. Mandesa’s entire army surrounded us. Assassins rappelled from ships. Trackers dragged Mags into the street. A fireball erupted.

My flesh bubbled
.

Agony
.

Loneliness
.

Loss
.

Failure.

The door slammed shut. Trapped, unable to escape the heat and torment, I screamed and couldn’t stop.

Cooling a
rms wrapped around me. “Semara, hush. I’m here, honey, and I’m not leaving,” Ryder murmured repeatedly as he rubbed my back and kissed my nightmare away.

Slowly the p
ain waned and my pulse slowed. The spasms quieted to periodic tremors. I wanted to lose myself in his arms. Tomorrow would be soon enough to face the past and the future. Yet I couldn’t forget the dream and found no comfort in the image of us dying together.

I wanted to live. I wanted to have Ryder’s children.

And I wanted to win this bloody war.

Chapter
Nineteen

I
started awake at the sudden loss of warmth and serenity. Opening my eyes, I saw Ryder ease from our bed. “Why are you sneaking away?” I asked, propping myself up on one elbow.

He stood with his back to me
and took a long, deep breath before turning. “With Ridgecroft and McCormick here, I know you’re knee-deep in—” He shot me a sheepish grin. “But today’s your birthday. The children’ve planned a surprise for you. I’ve checked with your father and he said you’re free. The meeting won’t restart until 1330 hours…and before you ask, yes, I’ll be there with you. So, will you meet us above ground?”

Still sleepy, all I wanted was for him to crawl back into bed and keep me warm.
Too early to think, I stared at him in heavy-eyed silence. I knew this was important to him. Given the cool distance for so long, it’d taken a lot of courage for him to arrange this prior to yesterday, and knowing Ryder, it had been in the works for weeks. I’d also be able to see Annie and Laos, to watch them being kids, running and laughing.

When h
is shoulders slumped, I realized he’d misunderstood my lack of response. Before I could say anything, he knelt beside the bed, brushed my hair from my face and whispered, “Please.”

Turning my face, I kissed his palm. “I’d love to. I’ll be there.”

Grinning, he returned my kiss. “See you on top at 1030 hours.” Rising, he left our quarters, his stride displaying barely-controlled excitement.

After a quick shower,
I dressed and, with a smile, headed to the command center.

Semara, come see me in my quarters
. Hearing my father’s serious tone, I altered my course.

Sergeant Walker tipped his head as he neared me.
“Good morning, Corporal.”

I returned his greeting with a nod. “Sergeant,” I said,
without stopping.

Reaching Father’s quarters,
I found the door open and my father standing in the threshold with a forced smile. “How are you?”

After a bear
hug, I strolled over to the leather club chair facing his desk. “Good. Great, better than I’ve been in more than a year.”

He s
ettled in the captain’s chair behind his desk and looked at me. Sometimes I’d swear he saw into my soul—saw my terror of Mandesa, saw my panic that I’d fail. Scanning his desk, I searched for a hint, some clue to what had brought on his question. Other than his halo pad, earpiece, and a little pink sock, nothing spoke to me. “Why’d you ask me to meet you here? What’s happened?”

“
Last night, I heard you in my head,” he said after a moment. He studied his hands then met my gaze. “You had a dream that connected you with another world for the first time since Ryder stopped sneaking into your quarters. His gift and how you responded to it is why I didn’t object to the two of you sharing—”

“As if you
’d had a choice,” I snorted.

Staring at me, he chuckled.
“You’re definitely like your old man. Stubborn to a fault. You’re an adult and leader. Guess you don’t need me watching out for you or protecting you any longer.” His eyes glazed over, as they did whenever something reminded him about missing my childhood.

I straightened
in the chair and tugged my vest down. “What did you hear?”

“Not much, but I knew you were frightened.”

Of course he did. That was his gift. I sighed.
Might as well tell him everything, otherwise he’ll just secretly root around in my mind.

I leaned back and rested my head against the chair. “I saw a series of doors. All but one opened to show me scenes from my past, including one of Bendar with Mandesa and you and Mother just before Mandesa’s arrival.” I glanced at him. “
If you’re worried about my dreams hampering my abilities, don’t concern yourself. I’m fine.”

“It’s not that.” He picked up the pink sock
from his desk and rubbed it between his fingers. “I’m afraid you’re going to remember more than you can handle. The block was put in place for a reason, but…” His lips quirked into a knowing grin and he huffed. “You’re just too strong.”

“Another trait I got from you.” I smiled and rubbed my sweaty palms down my pants, forcing my boots to stop thumping erratically against the floor. What else was there to remember?

“No,” he corrected me, “that you got from your mother. With the exception of you, she was the bravest woman I’ve ever known.” His lips thinned. “I’m torn, between being your father and the general of this rebellion. I’ve decided that it’s no longer my decision. If you want to know the entire truth, everything your mother shared with you and me, I’ll tell you. But understand, with foreknowledge comes danger. It may affect your decisions when they matter most.” He stood and paced the floor behind his desk. “If your mother were here, she’d know exactly what to do. She always did.”

“
As a seer, I’d think she would.”

He chuckled
. “It was more than that. She was always so sure of her decisions, despite what the future held. I suspect she’d seen her sister’s reaction to the news of her pregnancy, and even knowing it would mean her death, she still wanted you.”

“I saw her in one of the dreams,” I said quietly, watching him pace. “And afterwards…I swear I felt her breath on my check as she spoke in my head.”

Father stopped, a soft smile tugging at his lips. “You probably did. Your mother vowed that even in death she’d watch over you.”

My mind raced with her words. “She said I would either be a weapon or a savior. When Captain Gordon worked with me aboard the freedom to unblock my memories, we thought Mandesa might be trying to use me against the Neuamrians. Do you think there’s a chance I could be a hidden weapon for her? That she’ll use me somehow?”

Father shook his head. “No. We’ve run scans, there’s no device. Also I’ve searched your mind.”

I shrugged. “That doesn’t mean she didn’t find a way.”

“Perhaps, but you forget, you’re my daughter and a Bellator. That means your too stubborn to be controlled.” Sighing, he continued to rub the sock between his fingers. “This was yours. You wore it the night you were taken from me…the night I was thrown in a cell for treason. This was all I had left of you.”

I watched him drop heavily into the chair behind his desk, his gaze still locked on the small pink sock in his hand.
“If you’re worried about me falling apart at the memory of that night, don’t be,” I said, leaning forward. “I know Mother warned you to let me go or I’d be killed in my sleep. I know Mandesa ripped me from your arms.” I’d also learned how she had tortured Father and that he was alive only because Bendar had gotten him off her ship.

He sighed.
“It seems you’ve remembered almost everything. As a leader, it’s critical you don’t second-guess your decisions. Your choice must always be about the greater good. If in the end it costs you those you love and a restful soul, you’ll accept the burden as a commander.”

My boot
thumped against the cement floor in time with my spasming leg. “How do you do it?”

He tilted his head to the side. “Do what?”

“All these years, you’ve made difficult decisions alone, with no one to share the load. I mean, you let Mandesa take me—” I held my hand up, palm out. “I understand why. In my dream, Mother ordered you to. As I’ve said, I also saw Bendar betraying you, then his sorrow and horror upon learning the truth. Yet you forgave him and he became your devoted servant and my surrogate father. How can I do any less? Bendar was an amazing role model. He’s loved and protected me through the years, all the while providing you with critical information. Even so, he’ll never forgive himself.”

Father nodded his agreement.

I took a deep breath. “Time after time, you, Fallon, Mother, and so many others have made decisions you knew would cause loved ones to suffer…and it seems, so have I,” I murmured, remembering the image of Annie’s mother standing in the infirmary’s doorway, my signature ordering Annie’s father on a one-way mission. I had known at the time that he was a widower with a small child. He hadn’t been the only soldier available, but rather the only one with the skills necessary for the job. And he’d succeeded. That was why we knew the truth about the council’s biological and chemical weapons. My decision had cost a little girl her only remaining parent, but had given us critical information, information that could save an entire city.

I glanced up, my father’s
grief-stricken face unnerving me. Years of lies, secrets, fighting, loss, and love had etched deep lines on his forehead and flanked his mouth. Eyes glistening with tears, he tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling then finally met my gaze. “When I lost your mother, and then you, I closed myself off from everyone. I thought I had to if I was going to survive. I couldn’t bear to lose anyone close to me again. Over the years, I forgot how to feel. Then you found me.” A single tear slid down his cheek. “I know I’m not good at telling you how much you mean to me, but know you’re always first in my thoughts.”

“I love you, too, Dad.”

A full watery smile broke free. “I never wanted this life for you,” he said. “War’s ugly. Surrounded by death, the only thing that keeps us sane is love and caring for one another with every muscle and fiber of our beings. We don’t know how much time we have on this Earth, so don’t waste it, Semara. Don’t be like me. Don’t forget the lesson your mother taught. No matter what happens, always be willing to risk your heart. Without love, you’ll be lost.”

Semara toyed with a string at the edge of her vest. “Tell me more about Mother.”

His determined expression dropped away, leaving it youthful and besotted. “Your mother adored you. From the moment she found out she was pregnant, she’d talk to you, telling you how much she wanted you. Once you were born, she’d hold and rock you for hours, just looking at you, whispering to you. Her love for you and me was so great nothing and no one could stand in its way, not even death.” He stood and rounded his desk. Then squatting before me, he grabbed both my hands. “Her last words to me were to not fail you. Now, I realize she didn’t mean for me just to let you go with Mandesa, but to also keep you in my heart. We were the center of her being, and not even her death can take that away from us.”

Tears slipped down
his cheeks, and only then did I realize they mirrored my own. I knew this meant everything to him. He wanted my forgiveness for shutting me out when I’d first arrived, for all the years he’d left me with Mandesa. I squeezed his fingers. “There’s a time for love, but not in the midst of war. You’re General Bellator. In battle, you need to keep focused for all our sakes.”

“Yes, I’m a warrior, a leader, but I’m also a father.
While the rebellion outweighs our needs as a family, it doesn’t outweigh our love. This,” his grip on my hand tightened, “keeps us strong, not weak.”

“
How?”

“
It gives us something to fight for, something to pull us through the hard times. It’s the basis for believing we’ll win, despite the odds mounted against us. Hatred keeps you on the battlefield. But love makes peace worth fighting for.” He stood, pulling me up with him. “I can’t express how happy I am that you didn’t let fear stop you, Semara. Knowing you have Ryder at your side…it makes this old battle horse a relieved man.”

Looking at our clasped hands,
I swallowed. “He thinks he’s lost his gift and we’ll lose the war because the Triune no longer exists,” I muttered.

Chuckling, h
e wrapped his arms around me. “I wouldn’t worry.”

Frowning, I tipped my head back. “Why? What do you know that I don’t?”

“At the time he stopped staying in your quarters, you didn’t dream or feel warmth at his touch, did you? Last night, you did.”

As he continued to hold me,
the floodgate in my soul opened and tears poured down my face. We stood, crying together in shared love and loss. Strangely, it was as if we were saying goodbye, yet we weren’t facing any imminent attack.

“May I ask you a question?” I asked softly.