Badass Zombie Road Trip (20 page)

Jonah watched her sashay all the way to the ladies’ room before Dale punched him hard in the arm. “Ow! Jesus, man. What?”

“Way to cock block me back there,” Dale snapped.

“Cock block you? What about making me look like a jerk?”

“Who cares what you look like? She’s obviously interested in me.” Dale scrunched up his nose as if he smelled something really awful. “Or did you think she was after you?”

“I don’t think she’s after either of us,” Jonah said, though he certainly hoped this was a lie. “She just needed a ride, and now she needs lunch.”

Dale wasn’t buying what Jonah was selling, lunch or otherwise. “You like her, don’t you?”

“I think she’s nice.” Jonah felt the heat on his face, but couldn’t stop it.

“Nice? Jonah, she’s fucking hot as hell.”

Their brief argument was interrupted by a frail voice. “How many?”

Without a sound, a stooped, gray-haired woman had appeared behind the counter. She stared up at Dale and Jonah with something that bordered on spite.

“Three,” Jonah said. It felt good to say three. It felt right.

“Follow me,” the waitress ordered.

Jonah and Dale followed the oldest waitress in the world as she teetered and wobbled her way to the only available table. She pointed at the chairs, but didn’t offer them menus.

“Buffet is all we got for lunch,” she snapped. “What can I get you to drink?”

“Iced tea, please,” Jonah said.

“Nothing for me,” Dale said.

The old lady gave a little sigh that suggested she had been down this road before. Plenty of times. “There’s a five-dollar charge for sharing.”

“I’m not hungry,” Dale explained. “Or thirsty. Nothing for me.”

“Suit yourself. Plates are on the bar. Five dollars for sharing.” The woman leaned into Dale, staring at him over her glasses as she added, “And I’ll know if you’ve shared, son.”

Dale swallowed hard as the woman wobbled her way back into the kitchen. “That is one scary bitch.”

“Don’t call her that,” Jonah said. “She’s probably someone’s grandma.”

“Then she’s one scary grandma bitch.”

“Dale. Don’t be an ass.”

“Why are you so sensitive today? Or are you just touchy about women?”

“Shut up.”

“Or is it just one woman?”

The heat rose again, coloring Jonah’s cheeks and answering Dale’s question. “I said shut up.”

“That’s it, isn’t it?” Dale grinned and guffawed as if it were the funniest thing he had ever heard. “Oh, man, this is gold. You actually like her.”

“Maybe.” Jonah nodded his thanks to the waitress as she set his tea in front of him. When she wandered away again, he added, “I might not want to sleep with every woman I meet, but I do have eyes. You said she was hot as hell. And she is.”

“But you have a thing for her. Don’t you?”

Jonah was aflame with embarrassment. He fished a piece of ice from his glass and touched it to his burning cheeks. The ice ran to water in moments, dripping down his arms in warm rivulets of shame.

“Oh. Em. Gee.” The zombie clapped with delight, looking and sounding more like an overexcited schoolgirl than a full-grown dead man. “It’s not just that. You think you have a chance with her. Is that it? You do. Look at your face. I’ve never seen you so red, man. Wow. This is just—”

“What?” Jonah snapped. “This is just what? Fun for you? Are you enjoying this? Huh? Enjoying my embarrassment? Enjoying the fact that this is the first girl I’ve been able to say more than three words to without seizing up?”

Dale, the real Dale, might have said no. The real Dale, the proper, living human being with a compassionate soul, might have stopped the mockery and the laughing and the joshing and stood behind Jonah and his sudden lust for this total stranger. The Dale with whom Jonah had grown up might have dropped the teasing and become what he was supposed to be: a real friend.

But this Dale wasn’t anyone’s friend.

And he proved it by grinning wide and saying, “Oh yeah. I’m enjoying the hell out of this … buddy.” The zombie paused to lean in close, blowing a strong and acrid breath in Jonah’s face with his last word.

Jonah groaned as the zombie degenerated into another round of loud guffaws.

“What’s so funny?” Candy asked as she returned to the table.

“Jonah,” Dale said. “He’s always a riot.”

“Is he?” Candy winked at Jonah. “I like a man with a sense of humor.”

“Then you’re gonna love our friend here. He’s a real laugh a minute. Ain’t ya?”

The waitress came and took Candy’s drink order, after which the young woman excused herself to check out the buffet. Jonah sat staring at his glass of tea, his appetite long lost in the face of Dale’s ridicule. After a few moments, Candy returned with an overflowing plate of deep-fried goodness.

She cut her eyes at the pair as she sat. “I’m not the only one eating here, am I?”

“Of course not,” Dale said. “Go on, Jonah. Go get something to eat. I’ll keep our new friend company while you’re gone.”

“You aren’t eating?” she asked.

Dale shook his head. “Not hungry. But I’m sure Jonah is. It’s been hours since he’s eaten.”

“Been a lot longer for you,” Jonah growled.

“Yeah,” Dale agreed. “But unlike you, I can wait forever if I have to. Go on, then. Get some food. Leave us alone.”

Jonah didn’t want to leave that monster with Candy, but the zombie had a point. If Jonah didn’t get something in his stomach now, he would suffer for it later. Drawing a deep breath, Jonah stood, and went to see what was on the buffet.

Mulling over the artery-clogging choices laid out for lunch, he came to the conclusion that this chest-beating and dick-waving was getting ridiculous. For starters, he couldn’t compete with the keenness of the zombie. Dead Dale had no shame or shyness, and would always outdo him, out quip him and outplay him. Besides, it wasn’t like Candy was going to hang around. Once lunch was done, they would part ways and she would be out of their lives for good. No need to ruin his few moments left with her by arguing with Dale. He could do plenty of that later, after they were alone again.

When he returned, plate in hand and heart in check, Candy was laughing and smiling and having a grand time. It figured. Leave a woman alone with Dale for ten minutes and he would easily win her heart. Or at least her attention. On the one hand, it angered Jonah that even dead Dale was so suave and smooth and charming, and everything that Jonah wasn’t. But on the other hand, Jonah was accustomed to this sort of thing. He was comfortable being in the background, where he could go about his business as if his presence didn’t matter. Which it didn’t. In the background, he could enjoy Candy’s company for the next hour or so without feeling pressured to impress or even talk to the girl.

“Guess what?” Dale asked.

“I can’t imagine,” Jonah said around a forkful of macaroni.

“Candy is going our way.”

Jonah shot a glance to the woman in question. “What?”

“North Carolina,” she said with a nod. “Well, South Carolina, really. But yeah. That’s where I’m headed.”

“Isn’t that freaky?” Dale asked.

“Yeah,” Jonah said. “That’s pretty coincidental.” Too coincidental as far as he was concerned. Was this some fresh hell set up by Satan to confuse and mislead them? There was no way to tell. “I hope they can get your car in shape for the trip. It’s a long journey.”

“Car, schmar,” Dale said, and waved his hands in the air as if he could dismiss Jonah’s words by force. “She should ride with us.”

Though half expecting the words, Jonah still shouted, “Us?”

“Sure,” Dale continued. “We can spare the room, and we’re headed that way anyway. What do you say, Candy? Come with us.”

Candy gasped. “I don’t think I should.”

Jonah was both disappointed and elated. He would’ve loved nothing more than to have this beautiful woman go all the way with him, in every way, but he was also pleased to see a suggestion made by Dale fall apart. “See? She doesn’t want to tag along with a couple of perfect strangers across the country. Especially two men. Two strange men.” Jonah couldn’t emphasize ‘strange’ hard enough.

“It’s not that.” Candy shifted in her seat, a sudden bundle of nervous energy. “Believe me, compared to the folks I’ve been hanging out with lately, you guys could be wholesale murderers and still be a pair of teddy bears.”

“See?” Dale said. “And we’re going your way. You just said you couldn’t wait around for a mechanic. Why hitch when you can ride in style?”

“You can’t wait for what?” Jonah asked, wondering what other important details of this conversation he’d missed out on.

“A mechanic,” Candy explained. “I don’t really have time to sit and wait for them to get that bucket of bolts ready. I have to get away from here. Now.” Something in her voice suggested that her ‘now’ was almost as vital as Jonah’s ‘now’. Perhaps more.

Without thinking about the impoliteness of the question, Jonah asked, “What’s the rush?”

Candy stared at Jonah for a moment, in silence. Her plump lips twitched. Her bright eyes sparkled as she blinked. She clutched at the bag slung over the back of her chair, pulling it into her lap while she considered her next few words with a great amount of care. “It’s my father. He’s ill. I have to get back home before he passes.” She shifted her glance to the table as a single tear rolled down her delicate cheek.

After living with the granddaddy of liars for many years, Jonah was able to spot a made up sob story a mile away. It was all in the tone. The wording. The long pause one took before speaking that all but told the listener that you were indeed telling a big, fat fib. But Jonah had to give it to her—as far as lies went, it was a pretty good one. It had all the classic marks of a seasoned liar. The familial connection. The tug at the heartstrings. The well timed tears at the end. She was good. And despite the fact that Jonah knew she was lying, he decided he was going to believe her.

Because he
wanted
to believe her.

“That’s just awful,” Jonah said.

“Yeah,” Dale said. “Shame we don’t know someone going almost all the way there who could conveniently give you a lift.”

Candy wiped at her damp eyes. “I don’t want to impose.”

“A much as I hate to admit it,” Jonah said. “Dale’s right. We’re headed there anyway.”

“See?” Dale asked. “Even Captain Prude here agrees with me.”

Jonah rolled his eyes at the moniker.

“Are you sure?” Candy asked. “I don’t want to be a burden.”

“What burden?” Dale asked. “You can eat on my dime. I’m not eating anyway.”

“I’m not eating your lunch, am I?” Candy asked, eyeing Dale with worry.

Dale ogled her in a long, slow glare that spread from face to breasts to face again, before he said, “Not yet.”

Jonah held his breath as he waited for her response to one of Dale’s typical chauvinist remarks. Candy stared blankly at Dale, who just raised his eyebrows.

“Ain’t you the saucy-mouthed one,” she said, as she cracked a thin grin. “You know, I wasn’t really looking forward to the long haul, but now … hell … I think I’m gonna end up enjoying this.”

“Funny,” Dale said. “I was thinking the same thing.”

And even funnier? So was Jonah.

****

Hwy 50/I-70, Utah

139 hours: 29 minutes: 05 seconds remaining

Contrary to Dale’s worry, Utah wasn’t filled to the brim with prim and proper Mormons. Jonah had no idea of the religious affiliation of any of the people with whom they had come in contact, when they came into contact with people at all. The place was sparsely populated, even more so than Nevada, and the folks they ran into along the way seemed as easygoing as their surroundings. As for the drive itself, the highway was much of the same: brush and barrens, boring and blah. But the company! Well, that had brightened up considerably.

Candy was a delight as a travel partner. For starters, unlike Dale, she knew how to read maps, though she questioned the wisdom of relying on them.

“Isn’t that a mount for a GPS?” she asked, pointing to the empty carriage on the dashboard.

“Yes,” Jonah said. “But we decided to go
au naturel
this trip.”

“Why?”

“Because maps are fun?”

Candy lowered the travel guide to the floorboard. “Seems silly to me, I guess. I mean, why use a book when you got the Internet and all?”

“Yeah,” Dale agreed. “It does seem silly. Doesn’t it?”

Jonah sighed and scored one for Dale.

Her opinions about maps aside, it turned out that Candy did indeed like any kind of music, pleased as she was by both Dale’s hardcore rock and Jonah’s lighthearted folk tunes, singing both at full volume when she knew the song. Even though her voice left a little to be desired, Jonah was entranced by her singing. He had never met a woman who knew all the words to both Scarborough Fair and Feed My Frankenstein. She even seemed to warm up to their limited selection of demo songs and the brief pieces that Dale played for her before he realized how hard it was to play the guitar while Jonah deliberately drove like shit.