Bad as in Good (35 page)

“Louis, get out of my way.”

“Are you fuckin' serious? I'm standin' here tryna talk to you—”

“No, you're standin' here tryna talk down to me. I know I messed up, but I'm still a grown woman, and I won't stand here and let you talk to me like I'm your child.”

Louis threw up his palms and stepped an inch back. He inhaled and exhaled deeply. “Why couldn't you tell me that there was someone else?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “To me, there was no one else. Tariq was…I can't really explain what he was to me. It all
just
happened.” When men used that excuse in the past, I ignored it. Sex didn't
just
happen on its own. No man's dick magically fell into another woman's pussy; he led it there. But as I stood there searching for an explanation, I couldn't find one. Tariq
simply
happened.

Louis didn't buy it. He winced as he licked his lips while searching my eyes for an answer. “How don't you know? Last week you loved me, and now you don't know.”

“I don't know what to tell you. I'm not proud of it. I understand I was stupid, and if I were sane, it would've never happened.”

“Do you even love me?” I looked down at the hallway floor again, unable to come up with an answer. I shrugged my shoulders. “Why would you tell me you loved me if you didn't?”

I looked up at his swollen purple eye and hoped I'd find an answer. Nothing. I had nothing to offer him. “I don't know, Louis.”

“Do you love him?”

I never considered answering that question. Even though I kept going back to Tariq, I never considered the possibility of me loving him. Tariq had a hold on me that I couldn't shake. Still, he was married, and he was a dick. I wanted to shake my head and refute any ideas of me loving a man that couldn't understand how to treat a woman right. But when I looked into Louis's eyes, I knew what my answer was. “Yes.”

When Louis asked me to love him, I turned from him. I scurried off into Tariq's open arms and tried not to look back. As I stared into his eyes, squinting beneath plump, maroon skin, I was sure that the reason why I couldn't love Louis was because I already loved Tariq. He didn't flinch. He stared back at me with a frown. “Then why did you stay with me?”

“I was…conflicted.”

“Don't stand in front of me tellin' me that bull; you were fuckin' him and me at the same time. You can gimme a better explanation than that.”

“I can't give you a rational answer, Louis. He doesn't treat me as good as you; he doesn't respect me like you do. I would try to forget about him and love you like you deserved, but it wasn't that easy.”

“If I'm so great, then why wouldn't it be easy to stay with me? Erin, I've been here whenever you needed me. Even though we went through our mess wit' Teona, I never stepped out. I loved and respected you, and all I needed from you was the same.”

“It's clear that you weren't completely done with Teona, Louis. She's here in her underwear an hour after you—”

“After I got my ass whooped by your boyfriend.”

I dropped my shoulders and turned my head. “I'm sorry, Louis, but it's clear that this relationship isn't what either of us wanted.”

“Is he even married?” I nodded. Louis turned his scratched nose up in disgust. “Why would a woman like you be with a man like him, Erin? You could've loved me.”

“I can't answer that. Nothin' made sense with either of you. When I was wit' you, I wanted to reciprocate, but I couldn't. While I was wit' him, I wanted to be with him. But while I was with you…I dunno what to tell you, Louis. I can't give you an answer that makes sense.”

Teona opened Louis's front door and poked her head out. When she noticed Louis and I still talkin', she glared at us. “What is she still doin' here, Louis? Do you remember what she put you through? Tell her to get the—”

“Teona, close the door.” Louis didn't raise his voice, but he spoke with conviction. He wasn't making a request. Although he didn't glance in her direction, she knew he was serious.

Stomping her feet into the ground, she slammed the door shut, snapping me out of my senses. I wiped my face and exhaled. “I'm going to go.” Louis nodded and moved out of my way. I wanted
to walk away before he went back to Teona without any words, but I had to say, “I'm sorry,” one more time. He didn't respond. He opened his front door and left me hanging—like I did him.

•  •  •

There were cops everywhere. Men in blue and suited detectives were scattered throughout the front of my apartment building asking questions, taking names, and getting statements. When I walked up to the entrance, a tall, white-basketball-player-looking dude in a cop uniform put his hand up to stop me.

“Excuse me, ma'am. You can't go in here.”

“I live here.”

Through his thick, blond, and bushy eyebrows, he scanned me up and down as if to wonder how a woman like me could afford to live in such a nice apartment building. “Can I see some ID?”

I huffed as I rifled through my purse and looked for my wallet. When he saw my ID, he nodded and allowed me to pass. He walked to turn away other onlookers. I walked away and sarcastically mumbled, “Thanks a lot.”

When I walked up to my apartment, the crowd of cops thickened. I had to squeeze through to get to my apartment door. Across from my door, Alonzo's front door was covered with yellow tape. Forensics were everywhere dusting and photographing. I wanted to stay in the hallway and watch what happened next, but I feared becoming that nosey neighbor that people shunned. After my quick peek, I grabbed my keys and contemplated how soon I'd be able to get the dish.

“Excuse me, miss.” I turned around and noticed a stocky detective with pale skin and diamond-blond, balding hair toting a note pad and waving me toward Alonzo's door. I walked over and pretended not to be too eager.

“Yes,” I said with a stern expression.

“I'm Detective Remy. You live here?” I pulled out my ID and flashed it in his face.
“You're
Erin?”

I didn't like how he asked that. He already knew me before I was given the courtesy to understand what was going on. I stuffed my ID back in my purse. Trying not to stare at his powdered donut lips, I asked, “What's going on?”

“Your neighbor, Alonzo Logan, did you know him?”

“In passing. Is he okay?”

He took a deep breath and unwelcomingly placed his hand on my shoulder. “He…he committed suicide a couple hours ago. One of the neighbors heard a gunshot and decided to check in on him. Apparently, the neighbor had a spare key, and…she discovered the body.” He moved his hand from my shoulder and pointed over at an elderly woman, Mrs. Applebom. She was the old, rich white lady with bad joints and liver spots. I hated passing her in the hallway while she gave me those judgmental looks, as if she knew I was sleeping with men before I was married. She had her face buried in her palms as she sobbed in the arms of a consoling police officer.

“That's horrible.” I stood there. He knew who I was, and I wanted him to get to the point about where I fit in to it all.

“He left a note. I can't show it to you because we have to get it processed into evidence, but he mentioned you.”

That took me by surprise. The last thing I thought about was Alonzo. Yet, in his last words, he thought about me. It left a bad taste in my mouth, as if it were left from subpar sushi. Nevertheless, I was curious. “What did he say?”

“What do you think he said?”

“I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.”

He looked me up and down almost as if he were a bloodhound
smelling the sex and frustration emanating from my skin. “How well did you know Alonzo?”

“I told you, I knew him in passing. We'd chat briefly as we passed each other in the hallway. That's it.”

“Did you two ever have a relationship…of any kind?”

“No. What I said is all it was.”

He cleared his throat into his fist. “In his note, he mentioned you and your relationship.”

“What did his note say about me?” I was tired of fishing for answers. He needed to get to the details.

“I can't remember all of it, but most of it discussed how in love with you he was, and how he wished you had taken more of a liking to him. He expressed annoyance with the men you dated and wrote about how much better he would've been to you. The last thing he mentioned about you was how he'd wait for you to come home and hope he could have a conversation with you. He'd even go as far as standing at your door and listening to hear you breathe.”

I was vexed by it all. As he spoke, I thought about all the conversations we'd had. I remembered how he stared at me with an eerie gaze. I realized how there were times he would be going through his mail outside his apartment at the exact same time I'd be walking up to my apartment. “Oh my goodness…”

“Don't be too alarmed. We think the main reason why he committed suicide was because of his business failings.”

“From being a stock broker?”

“Stock broker?” He stifled his chuckles and cleared his throat again. “Mr. Logan wasn't a stock broker. He was an auditor who worked for the IRS. He ran a series of tax fraud dealings, cheating the federal government out of thousands of dollars in tax refunds. He was using federal dollars to pay off his debts as a result of his
alleged gambling addiction. He was facing twenty years in a federal prison.”

“I can't believe this.”

Another cop called out and asked Detective Remy to meet him back inside Alonzo's apartment. “I have to get back inside. We wanted to make sure you were okay. We were afraid that it was a possible murder-suicide incident. You have a good night.” He walked away without another word, leaving me with more questions. I shook my head toward my apartment door. After all that I'd been through, I couldn't be alone. I pulled my cell phone out and dialed Loraine's number. I was going through too much to spend a night alone.

•  •  •

“Your night has been crazy.”

I cut my eyes at Loraine. “You think I don't know that?” We stood in the kitchen as I helped her sort through a box of coupons. She poured the wine, and I sorted the grocery coupons from the drug store clipping.

“I didn't know what to say. Everything from Tariq, to Louis, and now Alonzo. I realized that he was in love with you, but damn.”

“Who are you tellin'? He'd stand at my door tryin' to hear me breathe, Loraine.” I cringed. “But honestly, I don't want to think about it right now. What's going on in your life? How's the love triangle working out?”

Loraine stood still as I could see a shiver creep up her spine. She licked her lips and twirled her dreads. “I met up with Julian.”

“Oh my goodness, girl. How'd that go? Was he as fine as his pictures showed, or did you find out that they were pictures from twenty years ago?”

She smiled. “He looks finer than his pictures. I didn't know what to expect when I met him, but we didn't skip a beat. We fell into a conversation like we've been together for years. It was amazing.”

“Where'd you go?”

“We went out to eat at this small café in Winter Park. It was so adorable.” Her eyes lit up as she stared into the ceiling. “The chemistry was still there. It all felt so good. He read me more poetry. Girl…” She exhaled and fanned her chest. “It was good, Erin.”

“Did you two do more than phone sex this time?”

She giggled. “No. He wanted to. He pressed me to go back to my place, but…I still haven't told Lorenz. I can't sex Lorenz and Julian at the same time. I wanted to though. Girl, Julian wore this fitted dress shirt, open collar, and gray slacks that hugged his butt and his penis at the same time. I was wet before I had a chance to sit down. I wanted him so bad. And his poetry…” She guzzled a half-empty glass of Merlot and wiped her lips. “I dunno how I made it out of there wit' my panties still on.”

We laughed. I had to stop sorting coupons. I didn't want to miss a detail. “And all you two did was eat?”

“Well, we ate at first, then we walked to this park. That's where he read me the poetry. And when we kissed, I could feel the rhymes in his poetry breathe life back into me. I wanted him desperately. We caressed each other's bodies like lovers. But…I had to turn him down when he suggested we make love for real.” Her smile dropped as her giddiness faded. “I dunno what I'ma tell Lorenz. He thought we were gettin' back together.”

“You're choosing Julian?”

Loraine paused, and the smile returned. She nodded. “Hell yes, Erin. I've never felt like this, not even with Lorenz. But I know when I tell Lorenz, it's gonna be crazy.”

When we heard knockin' at Loraine's door, we both stopped.
Loraine took another sip of her wine, as did I. She grabbed the front of her maxi dress as she walked toward her front door. Peering into the peephole, Loraine sucked in the air around her and opened the door slowly. When Lorenz walked inside, we both shared a glance. Lorenz walked inside wearing a three-piece suit. Scratching the top of his bald head, he cleared his throat and waved to us both. “How you ladies doing?”

I raised my glass while Loraine kissed him on the cheek. Sensing that Loraine needed to handle her business, I said, “Well, I should get going.”

Loraine put her hand up to stop me. She led Lorenz to her couch and sat him down. “I'm glad you're here, Lorenz.”

He smiled at her, pleased by her acceptance of his arrival. Unbeknownst to him, she planned to break his heart. “We do need to talk.” He looked over at me with a question mark on his face. I was curious to know why I was still there, too.

“I have something to tell you.” He didn't say anything. She took a deep breath and swallowed the lump of air in her throat. “We can't do this anymore.”