Backstage Pass: V.I.P. (4 page)

“Mother!”

“What?” She spread her hands and grinned. “He was a rock star, okay? If there’s one thing he was exceptionally good at doing, it was groupies.”

I groaned. I guess I should have known this would have been part of the story. And I guess if they hadn’t, I wouldn’t be around. But still . . .

“About a month later, I found out I was pregnant.” She grabbed both of my hands and pulled them to her chest. “I meant it every time I said it, Sasha, I’d never have had it any other way. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

I fidgeted. She was always gushing like that and I’d never felt comfortable about it.

“I hadn’t even considered telling him—and had no idea how to even contact him. But Grandpa felt differently.”

I snorted. Gramps was still the most opinionated person I’d ever met in my entire life. “I’ll bet he was pissed.”

She swished her thumbs across my folded fingers. “Not at me, but he was less than pleased that your father hadn’t come to collect me and ‘make an honest woman out of me.’ After a week he went on a manhunt.”

I laughed. Gramps was five feet if he was an inch. To think about him storming into some concert hall, bent on bringing Dad to task, would have been something to see.

“And not only did he find your dad, but he also found his parents.”

My eyebrows rocketed up. “No way.”

She nodded. “Yes, way. We all ended up in my living room, and I don’t even know if your dad remembered who I was.”

Heat bloomed up my neck. I was embarrassed on his behalf and couldn’t imagine how humiliating and awkward that entire thing must have been for everyone.

“By that time, your dad had several platinum albums and his current single was in the Top 10 and climbing the charts.” She laughed softly. “But he held his parents in the highest regard. His father told him what was expected of him, and your dad didn’t even raise an objection. We were married the following week in that same living room. That night he went on tour for six months straight.”

I got up, hobbled over to her bench, and curled into her side. She’d been abandoned just like me. We hugged for a long time.

He cancelled three shows to be with me when you were born, but then he went back out for another tour. And another. Once you were old enough to walk, he stuck around a little longer each time, but when things got tough or I started asking when he was going to stay, he’d take off for another long stint or he’d hole-up and write music until the early morning after I fell asleep.”

I’d been an idiot to make her relive this. She had her own reasons for living her life like she had. I’d been an ass to assume she’d done anything to drive him away. Now I was surprised that he’d stuck around as long as he had.

“He loved you, Sasha. In his own way. He still loves you, he just has no idea how to express it.”

Her fingers played through the strands of my hair and lulled me into a peace. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Me too, baby. Me too.” She cupped my cheek and nudged my head off her shoulder until I looked at her. “But not all men are like that. I found a good one after all.”

I swallowed and laid my head back down.

Maybe I had too.

***

Back in the waiting room, there was an excited thrum in the air. A familiar tall redhead stood with Jesse, a worn acoustic guitar cradled against his leg. Mom clapped her hands to her mouth. “Ainsley.”

She turned, said something hastily to Jesse, and Kerri’s face lit up like she’d been promised a puppy and an armload of diamonds. My limbs dragged and I swayed. Too many hills on my rollercoaster today. Nausea roiled in my stomach. I didn’t understand why Jesse had a guitar. And why did Ainsley look so satisfied with herself, like she’d just plucked the golden egg from beneath the goose? The room tilted.

Jesse saw me and rushed over. “Sit.”

I collapsed into his arms and he carried me to the sofa. He settled me onto the cushions and pulled my head to his shoulder. Somewhere along the way he’d lost the guitar. “She popped her head in looking for your mom. I texted you.”

My phone was buried somewhere in my sweatshirt pocket now and I didn’t feel like digging it out. I had a bad habit of switching it to silent. Mom was busy talking to Ainsley anyway, so I’d have to apologize later.

“Were you singing for her?”

A soft laugh rumbled in his chest. “No. We found a random box of stuff in the corner and it had that old acoustic guitar. I was just messing around on it trying to kill some time. We were making up stupid lyrics to songs.” He shrugged. “She came in while I was doing the chorus.”

Kerri and Axel sat on the couch beyond Jesse. Axel pushed Jesse’s shoulder. “Tell her, man.”

I drew closer into his arms and squeezed my eyes shut. His fingers swirled across my shoulder and down to my elbow. Some part of me knew what was coming. “Tell me what.”

He lowered his lips to my ear. “She asked me to send her a demo tape.”

I jerked and quickly smothered the reaction. Turning, I smiled up at him. “That’s great!”

He kissed me hard and stood, then paced, unable to contain his excitement. “This is so great.” He managed to keep his voice to a stage whisper.

Bodies and sound and color swirled around me. He and Axel invented a silent high-five while Kerri watched with rapt attention. Mom and Ainsley moved closer to the door, and snippets of their conversation drifted to me as mom filled Ainsley in on Dad’s prognosis. Emotions pummeled me. Axel’s dark arm pinwheeled through the air in slow motion and Jesse’s rose to meet it. As their palms almost touched, then withdrew, I embraced the guilt as it surged through me. I should be just as happy for him—probably even happier because of where I came from and how well I knew the harshness of the industry. Dad may not have been around much, but that didn’t shield me from being submerged into his world from Day One. Mom’s friends for a very long time were musician’s wives, and record label people, and on and on. Someone was always asking us to pass on a demo tape.

No one ever asked for one.

This was an amazing milestone for him. One he deserved. One I thought I could handle.

Fresh on Mom’s revelation about how messed up her marriage had been, I couldn’t reconcile my feelings about it. Jesse wasn’t my dad and I had to get over that. I had to find a way to put the past behind me. But how many times was I going to have to tell myself that before it actually worked?

Beside me, Kerri vibrated with the excitement of it. I didn’t blame her, this was crazy-exciting.

Ainsley waved from the doorway and caught my eye. I hobbled over to them, grateful for the reprieve. She hugged me. “Hey, kiddo.”

I smiled. “Thanks for coming.”

She pulled Mom to her and held us both close. “Anytime. I’ll swing by the house after they send him home.”

Her grip relaxed and I rebalanced myself, unsure what to say about the request from Jesse, or if it needed a response. I felt like she was waiting for me to comment.

She glanced over to the high-five session and grinned. “I’m really glad I popped in here when I did.” She looked at Mom and jerked her thumb toward the group. “Have you heard him?”

Mom shook her head. “No. Sasha’s only started dating him. But he’s very nice.”

“That’s a bonus. He’s insanely talented.” She turned her attention to me. “I asked him to send me a demo, but if you’ll send it straight to your mom, I can pick it up there and then it won’t get lost in the pile at the office.”

I nodded, but this entire situation weighed on me like a concrete suit. If she wanted it that badly and wasn’t willing to risk it getting lost, she hadn’t just been paying him lip service like she had to do every other time she met a musician. This was the real deal. Bad enough that situations with both my dads were at an all-time stress-level high, but with this, my life had come to a screeching halt at the highest point of the Grand Canyon and the edge was starting to crumble. “Sure.”

A doctor appeared in the doorway, catching Mom’s attention. She gripped my arm and I rubbed circles in the small of her back. I needed this dad to be okay. My fingers wouldn’t still and it was all I could do to keep from clenching them into tight fists.

“Your husband is stable enough to move to a regular room. The nursing staff is readying him now.”

She sagged into me and I wobbled on my single stable crutch.

“Oh. Sorry, honey.” She righted herself and Axel appeared, shifting her weight to his arm. We all walked—or hobbled—down to Dad’s new room and stood off to the side while the doctor spoke quietly to Mom.

I leaned on Jesse. “I think we can take off in a bit.”

“Is your mom okay?”

I nodded and tears stung the backs of my eyes. Later, I could decide if I was going to tell him about what I’d learned. But first, I had to figure out how I felt about the record request. While we fidgeted and shuffled in the corner of the room, Mom reached behind her and grabbed Dad’s hand. Her eyes and attention hadn’t left the doctor, so the movement had been completely instinctual and automatic. Dad’s fingers clutched hers but his eyes stayed closed. They were linked through the bad moments as well as the good. Each other’s lifeline. Even now, he was her strength. And she, his.

A rogue wave of despair hit me in the guts. In an instant, I was adrift—alone in a vast sea. Jesse stiffened and his strong arms engulfed me, pulling me tight and secure against his chest. His lips pressed to the side of my head, ruffled my hair. “Shh. I got you.”

The trembling started in my belly and I fought it, somehow managing to keep it from consuming my entire body. Chills and shivers raced along my arms. He may not be my lifeline through it all, but he was the one I needed right now. I turned in his arms and pressed my cheek into his chest. His hand pressed firmly on my back, and he stroked from my shoulder blade to the top of my hip. Not caresses, but constancy, a rhythm to ground me, a place to hold me.

My shallow breathing changed, finally breaking past the hitch in my lungs that wouldn’t let me get a full breath. Like water rushing over the top of a dam, oxygen filled my belly and breathed it deep, smothering the trembling. Jesse’s hands stilled and he spread his fingers wide, one hand low across the curve of my spine, the other paused high on my back. His arms tightened and sealed our bodies together like a running sole on sun-warmed blacktop.

I inhaled his minty, chocolate-caramel scent and clung to him. My lifeline for maybe more than this moment.

After hugs and a few hastily wiped tears, we left my parents and drove the half-dozen blocks to my childhood home. Any awkwardness about taking Jesse there evaporated the moment our wheels rolled into the driveway. This was safe. Home.

In a well-practiced habit, I scoured the pantry and set a giant box of Cap N’ Crunch on the counter. “Anyone hungry?”

Kerri pulled bowls down and Axel helped himself to the fridge and set a gallon of milk and carafe of O.J. with the rest of the food options.

Jesse straddled a barstool and laughed. “The Cap? Seriously?”

I filled my bowl to nearly overflowing and added milk. “What? I’m starving.” After losing my appetite hearing about my father, I hadn’t been able to finish my waffle.

He shook his head and crooked his index finger over the top of a deep, white bowl and pulled it toward himself. He loaded it halfway and skipped the milk.

Kerri munched an apple. “I’m exhausted.”

Three heads nodded in agreement.

“Long day,” Axel admitted.

I scooped a spoonful of cereal in and swallowed. “I’ll get us all set up in rooms and we can crash tonight, then make a plan in the morning?”

Jesse tossed his spoon in his empty bowl. “Only if there’s more cereal.”

We laughed and piled dishes in the sink, the night’s tension ebbing away into a lighter mood. In this house, darkness and doubt couldn’t compete with my happy memories. I needed this. Happiness suited me far better than this tar pit I’d gotten stuck in . . . even if I had a right to a bad day, I didn’t want to slip into a dark space. Not again.

The guest room stood off the kitchen on the main floor, and I stuck Kerri and Axel in there, then dragged Jesse upstairs. I paused on the last step, overcome by guilt of having a boy on the second floor where they’d always been forbidden. Even now when I was technically an adult, a compulsion still ruled over me to respect my parents’ wishes.

Jesse slid his hands around my waist and squeezed. “Everything okay?”

I put on a bright smile and turned, lifting my hands and linking them around his neck. My crutches plopped to the soft carpet. “Yeah. Just feels weird being back here again.”

“I can sleep on the couch—”

“No!” I kissed his lips, cheeks, nose, clinging to the bubbly, lightness of earlier. Shadows fell away as his finger slipped beneath the hem of my shirt. I walk-hobbled us backward to my room and dropped one hand to twist the knob. I broke the kiss and waited for Jesse’s reaction as his lust-hooded eyes lifted.

His breath stilled and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning too widely.

“Un-freaking-believable.”

After a second complete perusal of the room, his attention returned to my lips but the lustful fire had banked—like I knew it would—for what I’d offered him in my room. His throaty question almost made me laugh but I held it.

“Can I go in?”

I straightened and hopped out of the way. “Of course. It’s my bedroom.”

His gaze bounced from the room to me and back again, then he crossed into the space. “You sleep in a museum.”

No one had ever understood my collection. Mom tried, but she hated it too. Every available space was filled with rock and roll memorabilia. Most I’d gotten through Dad and his cronies, but they all had kids too, and no one understands a rock star quite like his kids. We traded signed guitars and trinkets like most kids traded Pokémon cards. When the groups got together at label parties or release parties, we all had to go because who knew when they’d see us again. Dad started dragging me to them when I was six—guess he thought I’d get a kick out of them, and I did, just not quite how he wanted.

“Is this really . . . No way . . .” Jesse’s rambling questions trailed off as he moved from piece to piece. Every time I answered him with a yes, he shook his head and tried to keep his mouth shut. It was fun to see him this way. Until now, he’d always been Mr. Unflappable.

I hopped to the bed, putting a little weight on my toes. The aching soreness was gone now and I could move around pretty good without my crutches, but I was hoping at some point he’d want to touch me the way he was reverently reaching for the guitar above my desk.

“What happened to your musician rule?”

“I never said I didn’t like them, I just never wanted to date one.”

He laughed and turned, his head shaking back and forth in a slow swish. “You are something else.”

I tipped my head. “A girl’s gotta have at least one big surprise in her pocket.”

A wide grin stretched his smooth skin. “I’d say you can check that box.” He stopped in the center of the room and took it all in once more. “This is really amazing. I didn’t mean to completely interrupt what you’d started.” His eyes darkened as the rock memorabilia spiked his adrenalin and turned him on. Bubbles erupted low in my belly and rocketed outward in every direction. Yes, please.

I scooted back on the bed and his nostrils flared. His hands bunched and trembled at his sides like he wanted to devour me. My pulse sped up and I could barely pull enough air into my lungs. I’d imagined that after a concert he would get all excited and raw, but I hadn’t had a chance—I shook the darkness away. Right now, I couldn’t care less what he was like after a concert. I’d done this to him. My stuff. Me.

A heady rush of power chased the bubbles through my limbs, warming the spot below my ears, the tips of my nipples, the tight center between my thighs. My fingers dug into the bedspread I’d had since sixth grade. More warmth crept into my cheeks at the naughtiness of what we were about to do.

His hand slipped into his pocket and fumbled with his phone until a ballad pulsed from the speakers. He set it on the nightstand, then curled his hands around my ankle and my cast and drew me down on the bed until my knees bent over the edge, cast safely propped on the bedrail. The edge of my shirt rode up, revealing a band of skin that dilated his pupils like the signed Gibson. A shiver skipped over my skin.

“I didn’t think you could get any sexier.” His voice was the low octave of when he sang to me, and a vibration low in my belly answered like he’d struck a tuning fork. I reached for him but he wagged a single finger at me. “No touching.”

I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head, then reached for him again. He swatted my hand away playfully and my heart raced. Mr. Take-Charge was a side I hadn’t predicted.

But I liked it.

“Do I need to tie you up?”

My mouth dropped open and he slipped a finger beneath my chin, snapping it shut. “And no speaking.”

I blinked twice. My tongue quivered inside my dry mouth and I struggled to swallow. There was something exhilarating and dangerous about him tonight—not dangerous-violent, but dangerous-complete-bad-boy and dangerous-completely-unexpected.

He shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it into the corner, away from anything of importance. Both palms lowered to my belly and my skin leapt beneath his touch. I fought the urge to squirm but I turned to jelly and he’d barely even touched me. My body flared to life in remembrance of how he’d played me so far and hummed in anticipation. Another shiver lifted every hair on my body.

His hands pressed downward and he lowered his face toward mine. I closed my eyes and lifted my mouth, ready for his kiss. He stopped just before we touched and his breath was a pre-kiss, sending a wave of prickling sparkles across my parted lips.

“Don’t move.”

I inhaled sharply.

“But that rule won’t hold for long. I want you writhing beneath me when I come back.”

My eyes flew open and I stared into the depths of his. Lust darkened the edges and hooded his eyes, ratcheting up his sex appeal about six thousand percent. Desire stole my air and I clenched my hands to keep from dragging him down on top of me and forcing my way into his pants. He was insanely sexy right now. None of our make-out sessions had gotten either of us this worked-up.

He inched upward, holding my gaze and making some serious promises. Promises he’d better plan on keeping. At the door, he twisted the lock and flicked the light off. Moonlight streamed through my lace curtains (signed by every member of Heart) and cloaked him in shadow and turned the soft, kind planes of his face into sharp angles that made me want to run my tongue along the edges until I bled.

He made me want things I’d never before imagined. Things I mocked other girls for, things I’d dismissed as stupid and meaningless. I wanted all of those. I wanted all of him. When he was between my knees again, he stripped off his shirt and I couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped me. We’d been a mess of fondling and hurried movements before now, so I’d missed out on just seeing him. My insides quivered at the delight of touching him, but now that he’d forbidden me, I wanted him a thousand times more.

His lean shoulders rose in rounded perfection from the corded muscles in his neck and I ticked off each sinfully wicked spot I wanted to taste. As the angles of his collarbones slid into the full curve of his chest, my palms tingled with the ache of filling them and brushing his nipple until it hardened.

My own nipples crested at the thought and Jesse inhaled swiftly, making me grin. I may not have been able to touch him, but as long as my body kept reacting to the hint of touching him, maybe I could light him up the way he ignited me.

His abs jumped and flexed as he leaned forward, one hand on either side of my head. My eyes widened and I was afraid to blink and miss a single movement of his animal-charged body. His lips lowered to my face and I stayed still, unsure if he was going to give me more direction or finally have his way with me.

Softly, he took the tender lobe of my ear between his teeth and grazed the length of it. His whiskers grazed my cheek. I moaned and clenched fistfuls of bedspread. My hips lifted upward but he kept inches between our bodies. I craved the press of his flesh against mine. Parts of me buzzed and throbbed and the longer he sucked and nipped my ear, the more the pressure built.

His breath pooled in my ear and flowed down my neck, lifting the hair again at my nape and spiraling lust and need in waves along my limbs.

“Sasha, you’re so damn sexy.”

A blush stung my cheeks. Sexy wasn’t anything I worked for, but his open worship of my body made it hard not to feel incredible. His hands were on my skin, pressing into the sides of my hips and dipping into the hollow of my back. This time when I arched against him, he let our bodies touch and the sensation was like leaning against a radiator. Searing heat burned my flesh and every nerve fiber ignited.

My hands flew to his hair, but he cupped them and pressed them back into the mattress. He encircled my wrists and played the tender skin on the underside of my entire arm until he wound his way to the curve of my breast. I wanted him to hurry up and at the same time, I wanted him to take forever. Every part of me needed his touch, craved it. My nipples puckered tightly and every breath rubbed them against the inside of my bra until they ached.

His thumb traced the fullness, and I needed to feel him on my bare skin. “Please.”

Lifting his face from where he was completely torturing my ear with the most insanely erotic nibbling and suckling, he shushed me and nibbled his way to my other ear. If he kept this up for much longer, I was just going to be a pool of unsexy Jell-O by the time he got to the good stuff. “Oh, sweet Je—” I bit my lips before he could stop to remind me of the rules.

I’d never played by rules before—blatantly ignored them most times—so this was new on so many levels. Of all the ways I’d imagined losing my virginity, this wasn’t even on the fourth page of the list.

“You do things to me, Sasha.” Done with my ears, he moved lower, scraping the side of my neck with his raspy stubble. Shivers raced across my skin and back like disks on an air hockey table—effortless and chaotic. I wanted to ask what I did to him, but I didn’t want him to stop.