Backs Against the Wall (Survival Series) (16 page)

She walks toward him reluctantly, taking her sweet time. “But I was going to help Taylor with the prisoners.”

“You’re
eight years old, baby. Let’s worry more about taking your bath and less about becoming a warden.”

“Called it,” I breathe, watching her go.

“What?” Ryan whispers.

I ignore him. I keep my eyes
glued on the girl. On her dad.

“Hey, brat,” Taylor calls after her, holding up a small, rustic doll that had been in the cart with her. It’s ratty from use. Kind of an ugly thing. “Don’t forget Little Miss, Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong here.”

The girl smiles brightly, giggling as she runs back to him to get her doll.

“Why do you call her that?”

“You don’t know that song?”

She shakes her head, hugging her doll.

Taylor looks at the dad sadly. “Come on, man. You aren’t even raising her right.”

“Blow me,” the dad deadpans.

“What does that mean?” the little girl asks Taylor.

“It means don’t repeat it. It also means Music Education in the rec room in an hour, you hear me?”

She smiles happily up at him. “Yes!”

“Alright, beat it.”

She goes to leave with her dad, but she casts one last look over her shoulder at us. I see Trent, a tall blond blur in the corner of my watery eyes, waving to her. She lifts her hand to wave back but then her eyes catch on me and she hesitates. She stares at me, her sweet little girl face searing into my brain as she clutches that ugly, creepy doll that she loves so much. As she takes her dad’s hand, his only hand, and walks out of the room.

“Joss, what’s wrong?” Ryan asks me, his hand on my back.

I shake my head mutely, unable to speak without falling apart. I know my limits. I know when I’ve hit a wall and I just slammed headlong into a big one. But it’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s actually kind of… beautiful. Almost comforting. Because somewhere out there, despite everything that’s happened, everything I’ve lost, there’s a little eight year old girl with a daddy and a doll and a smile.

After three days, we’ve developed a routine. Wake up, fight with Taylor about leaving, eat our breakfast, give blood and tissue samples to whichever nurse or doctor they have on duty at the time, hang out in our cage until lunch, fight with Taylor about leaving again, eat, stare at each other, eat our dinner, fight with Taylor about leaving one last time for the day, then hang with Sam until it’s lights out and we all go to sleep. We never talk about it, but I lay down next to Ryan every night, Trent snoozing just a few feet away. No one sleeps in the bed.

It’s when one of the nurses, a
thirty-something dark haired woman, is taking a sample from me that my injured arm finally comes back to haunt me. She’s holding my hand, pulling on it lightly to keep me still as she looks for a vein. I’m not paying enough attention and she twists it, making me breathe in sharply.

Her eyes snap to mine. “What’s wrong with your arm?”

“Nothing,” I say tightly, waiting for the pain to subside. It’s not terrible, just intense and surprising.

“She broke it,” Trent tells the woman. He’s watching us closely from his favorite corner. “Badly.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“She threw up when she saw it. The bone was
sti—“

“Okay, it was bad!” I snap at him, looking at him hard. “But it’s been healing.”

The woman is gently probing my arm now, all the way up to the elbow. When I jerk and hiss again, she frowns.

“This
needs to be casted,” she tells me.

“What? Like a hard cast? Something I can’t take off?”

“Exactly. Your arm needs to be immobilized, probably all the way through the elbow.”

“Pass.”

She raises her eyebrows. “It’s not really a question.”

“You’re right, it’s not because it’s not happening,” I tell her evenly. “I can’t survive out there with a cast on my arm
.”

“You can’t just leave it like this.”

“Ryan splinted it, we can splint it again.”

“I splinted it because it’s all I could do,” he calls from the bathroom, shouting through the shut door. “If I could have casted it, I would have.”

I glare at the closed door. “Just do your business and don’t worry about us out here, alright?”

“Do what you want, but you should let her cast
it.”

I turn to the nurse. “That’s kind of creepy right? I don’t know much, but I feel like talking to someone on the toilet is creepy.”

She nods seriously. “It is, it’s weird. But he’s right. We need to do more than splint your arm.”

I shake my head. “Not happening.”

“Fine,” she says with a sigh. “I’ll splint it, then. But don’t come crying to me when it heals wrong and hurts when it rains.”

“Deal. Once I’m gone, I’ll never come back.”

“You just got here. You’re that eager to leave us?” she asks, going back to her business of looking for a vein. She’s taken hold of my other arm, leaving my injured one alone.

“Taylor is pretty clear that we’re not wanted here.”

The nurse smiles. “Yeah, he’s not subtle. But it’s not up to him. It’s up to the council. If you can be of use to us here, they’ll let you stay.”

“We don’t want to stay.”

“What do you want, then?”

“Help.”

She pauses, looking up at me. “Help with what?”

I swallow, not sure what to say exactly.
Help fulfilling my promise? Help getting The Hive to agree to fight with us? Help freeing people from the Colony up north? Help taking down all of the Colonies? Help bringing down the Westbrook guy who’s running the circus? I don’t even know for sure. I’m not clear on how big of a part I’m meant to play in any of this. I haven’t really stopped to think about it, not until right now. What is it that I want? Not what does everyone else want me to do or what do I need to get done to free myself from this burden, but what do I want out of all of this for my life?

“Help taking down the Colonies,” I tell her adamantly
, “ending the roundups and the kidnappings. Help making the resources the Colonies hoard and hide from us available to everyone willing to work and trade for them so the world isn’t so damn cutthroat and horrifying.”

She stares at me for a long time saying nothing. Not even moving. I can feel Trent staring at me too and I wonder if Ryan heard my rant. I try not to picture him right now, though.

“Those are some lofty goals,” she tells me quietly. “You’ll need a lot of help for that. Help we won’t give you.”

My heart plummets. “Why not?”

“Because as much as we hate the Colonies, we have something of a truce with them. They leave us alone, we leave them alone. Trust me, I’d like nothing more than to tear their buildings down on their heads with my bare hands, but I have a bigger picture to think about. Something bigger than my need for revenge.”

“What did they do to you?”

Her eyes and mouth tighten at the corners. She’s angry. “They tried to kill my husband. They said he was tainted. Dirty. Half dead like the monsters outside. Then they started saying the same thing about my daughter. They said I had laid with the damned and only evil could come from that. I put an arrow in a man’s eye when he broke into my home to murder my family. To
cleanse
us. That was the last straw. We got out after that. We ran. We couldn’t fight them, which is why I know you’ll need a lot of help to do what you’re planning. More help than The Hive can give you.”

My blood runs cold. “Who said anything about The Hive?”

She looks at me hard. “They sent you here, didn’t they?”

“How do you know that?” I whisper.

“Your boat has the name
U.S.S. Sweet Honey
written on the side of it with a small hornet painted on the rudder.”

I close my eyes against what idiots we’ve been
. How ill thought out and impulsive this entire thing has turned out to be. “I hate Marlow so much.”

“Most people do,” she agrees. “He’s an idiot, though. Hornets don’t even make honey. They eat insects, including each other.”

“Like the cannibals.”

“
And the zombies, yeah. So you’re part of The Hive?”

“No,” I say firmly. “Absolutely not. We just went to them for help and they sent us here. They told us if we could get your people to join up, then they’d join us too. I know it’s a lie, but we don’t have a lot of options. We had to try.”

“What’s your plan?” the nurse asks, sitting down and leaning back, crossing her arms over her chest as she watches me.

I blink, surprised. “What?”

“Your plan. What was the pitch you gave to The Hive? Give it to me now. Sell it to me.”

I glance at Trent who simply watches me as well, no indication of what he thinks I should say or do. So I figure what can it hurt?

I tell her everything. I start at the beginning with the day I was taken by the Colonists. I tell her about Vin, Nats and Breanne. About the Colony in the north in the MOHAI. About the crazy happy people running the show and the guard duty walking the wall, watching the interior to keep people in instead of keeping zombies out. I tell her about the kitchen crew, about the sewing room, about the maintenance room where Nats works. I tell her about the night I got jumped and she smiles when I tell her about the child’s t-shirt and my failures as a seamstress. I tell her about the rebellion, the people desperately wanting out. Then I tell her about Caroline and her face changes. She’s sad but she also looks understanding, the way Ryan looked at me when I told him. Like someone who knows. When I tell her about my jump and my fall, she nods in understanding as my broken bone suddenly makes sense. Then, when I’m done talking and Ryan is in the room with us again and no one is making a sound, she simply stares at me. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I definitely don’t know if she believes me but as I look back at her, I really want her to.

“That’s quite a story,” she tells me.

But she doesn’t.

She stands slowly, gathers her things and leaves the room without another word. I shake my head as I run my hands over my hair, pulling at it in frustration.

“No one is ever going to help us, are they? The Colonies will never stop. The roundups won’t stop. The fear— dammit!”

“We could leave,” Trent suggests. “Leave Seattle entirely. Live somewhere else where there are no Colonies.”

“How do we know they aren’t everywhere?” I ask him harshly.

“We don’t know. Not until we look.”

“No,” I tell him, shaking my head again. “I can’t just walk away. I can’t leave them in there.”

“We’ll keep trying, Joss,” Ryan tells me, but he sounds tired. Beat down like I feel. “We’ll find a way to go back for them. I promise.”

“Thanks,” I mumble, but I don’t believe him.

I don’t think he does either.

***

“Still here, huh?” Taylor asks, flipping on the light.

I open my eyes slowly, making sure to take my time waking up. I’ve been working on that. On not freaking out and bashing Ryan in the face if I’m startled awake, something that happens more often than I’d like to admit. I’m like a skittish little deer and it sounds sweet, but not when you’re the deer. Then it’s just scary, humiliating and annoying. Ryan doesn’t say anything about my new restrained demeanor, but I think every morning he wakes up without a fat lip or bloodied nose he counts it as a win. He could sleep somewhere else, somewhere away from me and my violent tendencies, but he never does. Some things, I think, are worth a little pain. I guess for him, sleeping beside me is one of them.

“Have we spoken to your council yet?” I mumble.

I open one eye to glare at him, not bothering to get up. It annoys Taylor when we sleep in so I do it as often as I can.

“Not yet, Princess.”

“Then yep, still here. I’d be happy to go away if you’d let us talk to them.”

“Not enjoying the accommodations?”

I sit up to stare at him, my face carefully blank. “It’s a little Colonial for my taste.”

Taylor shakes his head, a crooked grin forming on his face.
“Watch what you say. I’ll start to think you’re one of them again.”

I frown, surprised. “Meaning you don’t think that now?”

“Meaning I have my doubts.”

“Why is that?” Ryan asks.

Taylor folds his arms across his barrel chest, looking down at Ryan where he sits beside me. He glances over at Trent who stares back vacantly, his butt already perched in his favorite chair. When Taylor meets Ryan’s eyes again, he looks far less annoyed than usual. Almost casual.

“You don’t say grace.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“A lot. The Colonists, the true to the bone followers, they’re very religious. Devout.”

“Overzealous,” I mutter, thinking of Crenshaw.

Taylor nods. “Exactly that. They don’t take a meal with
out saying grace or hit the sack without evening prayers. I’m not saying all religious people are Colonists just like I’m not saying all Colonists are religious. But I’ve seen you three dig into your food without washing your hands or thanking Jesus and to a genuine Colony follower, that wouldn’t fly. So either you’re just not one of the true followers, which makes it unlikely you’d be trusted to come in here to gather intel, or you’re not with them at all.”

“We’re not with them at all,” I insist
.

Taylor shrugs. “Maybe you are or maybe you aren’t, but Sam seems to think you’re on the level so I’m inclined to give you the benefit of the doubt.”

“You trust Sam’s judgment that much?” Ryan asks dubiously.

“That kid is an excellent judge of character. Why do you think I have him in training with the guard? He’ll have my job one day.”

“Probably tomorrow,” Sam mumbles from his cot, his face turned toward the wall.

“Chow is out,” Taylor tells him.

Sam is up and out the door before any of us can say goodbye.

“If you don’t believe we’re spies,” I say to Taylor, “then why won’t you let us see your council yet?”

“Because that’s not how it’s done,” he says simply. “Never has been, never will be.”

“We only want to talk to them. They could come here and—“

“It’s not how it’s done,” Taylor repeats, this time more forcefully. “Look, here’s the deal. The people on the council are important. President of the World important only with fewer sex scandals and racial discrimination. They absolutely will not be brought anywhere near you, any of you, until you’ve passed quarantine. Because I’m guarding you, I’m not allowed near any of them until the quarantine is over just as a precaution and that is messing up my game something awful.”

“Your game?”

“He’s boning one of the people on the council,” Trent tells me.

I scrunch up my nose,
grossed out by his phrasing. “I doubt he’s ‘boning’ one of them.”