Back to You (13 page)

Alex

Wait… What?

“What do you mean you think it’s best if I leave?” I asked, stunned. I thought we were finally making progress on where things were headed. Last night was
Oh My God
amazing and this morning seemed to be going so well until my phone rang.

Oh. Of course…

“Is this about my phone call? He was just checking to see where I was since I didn’t come home last night.” I blew out a frustrated breath. “Tyler, I want things to be better between us and we still have things that need to be said.”

“Yeah, well I have about a billion things to do today to get ready for tonight and I promised
Riley
that I would meet him for lunch today.” Yeah, he emphasized Riley as if he was insinuating something to piss me off, which worked.

“Are we really doing this after how well last night went?” I asked, not bothering to hide the anger in my voice.

“Maybe last night was a mistake; I think you should go now, Alex.” He tucked his chin to his chest and closed his eyes as he told me that which meant that he was trying not to let his true emotion show, I knew him well enough to know that, so I let it go for the moment.

“Fine, I’ll leave. Just remember, you promised me a talk tonight after the viewing and I’m not letting you break that. We have things that need to be discussed and this little show isn’t going to deter me. Have fun with Riley.” I may have scowled a bit as his name rolled off my tongue, and I’m sure the sarcastic nature of the statement wasn’t lost on him. I stormed into the living room, yanked my shirt over my head and slammed the door hard enough to rattle the windows as I left.

The anger inside me was about to boil over, and I knew I had to get out of there before I did or said something I would majorly regret. I jumped in my car and peeled away from his house. Once again I was driving aimlessly around Lincoln after being so rudely dismissed from Tyler’s presence. I began to wonder if he even wanted me to be a part of his life again or if he was just playing a cruel joke on me. That wasn’t something the Tyler I knew would do, but maybe time had changed him.

I spent an hour on the road and had to stop and put gas in my car to replace the amount that I’d used. I drove all the way out to my grandparents’ house, the place where it all started and walked up to the steps and sat down. I couldn’t help wondering what my life would have been like if I had never stopped by to help my grandma the day that Tyler was there working but I just couldn’t imagine him not being in my life at all. Then I thought back to the morning I’d left him.

I’d closed the front door quietly, walked across the street to my car and threw my stuff in the back seat, before getting in and sticking the keys in the ignition. I wasn't sure how much time passed as I just sat there and stared at the window to our bedroom, warring with myself. Part of me, the weaker part, wanted to forget that I'd ever made the decision to leave and go back in there and pretend that everything would be okay.

The stronger part warned me that if I did go back inside, things might change for a while, but eventually they'd return to how they’d already become and that was a place neither of us deserved to be.

The sun was coming up and I knew Tyler would be waking up soon, only to realize that I was gone. But I just couldn't seem to force myself to put the car in drive. I rested my head on the steering wheel for a few minutes before I chanced one last look at the bedroom window.

Tyler was standing there in front of the curtain, staring directly at me. His gaze was burning a hole in my heart and I knew then that I was doing the right thing; he deserved better than what I could give him.

I saw him mouth the words, “I love you” to me and I put the car into drive. “I'm sorry,” I mouthed back to him as I pulled away from the curb and drove past the house for the last time. My vision was blurry but I knew it was for the best, even though my heart was officially destroyed.

All I’d wanted was to be back in his arms, back in our bubble from the previous night, loving him like there was no tomorrow. But tomorrow had come and I had to let him go.

Reliving that memory was painful but as it played back in my mind, I knew that the only person I wanted to be with was Tyler and I was lucky to have met him so many years ago. Some might say it was fate intervening. Then I got to thinking about Donny and how much he meant to me. If I’d have never left Lincoln and gone to Texas, I’d have never met him and he was one of the most important people in my life. I also wouldn’t have caused him as much hurt as I had if I’d have never met him. I couldn’t decide which would’ve been better but then again, due to my decisions and actions it wasn’t even a real point.

My mind was a garbled jumble of thoughts racing around and my heart just kept sinking in my chest. I hated feeling like everything I did was wrong, that all I could ever manage to do was hurt the people I loved, but I was at that place again. I decided wallowing in my own self-pity would do nothing positive for me, so I got up from the steps and went home.

Mama was in the kitchen when I arrived back at the house. Donny was probably up in my room still angry with me, so I grabbed a Coke from the fridge and went to the back patio to sit. Ashton was outside playing some game on his phone so I sat down in the chair next to him.

“Hey, big brother,” he greeted me with a grin as he sat his phone down on the table. “Where ya been all night?”

“I spent the night at Tyler’s.” I wanted to smile and be happy about it but I wasn’t sure it was such a good thing anymore.

“Oh, yeah? How’s that going for you?” He turned toward me in his chair, pulling his leg up to rest his chin on it.

“I don’t even know, to tell you the truth.” I sighed and threw my head back against the chair. “I just went over there to talk to him last night and things escalated when he got home—I won’t go into details about that—and we ended up asleep on his couch. I don’t know what to do Ash. I mean, I know I still love him but if we were to try this again, would it just end the same way? All we’ve really done again so far is fight.”

He let out a chuckle of sorts and said to me, “You and I both know that I go through girls pretty quickly, but that’s only because I haven’t found the right one yet.” Then he got quiet for a few seconds and asked, “Alex, can I tell you something personal without this turning into one of those rom-com moments?”

“You can always tell me anything,” I swore to him.

“You’re my big brother, Alex, and I look up to you and Dad more than anyone. Mom and Dad have a great marriage and they’re great role models but do you know the type of love I’m looking for? Epic love. I watched you fall in love with Tyler, that’s the type of love you two had, and that’s what I want when I find the right person. Did you know your eyes light up whenever anyone even mentions Tyler’s name? I’m only eighteen so I’m in no hurry to find love, but when I do, I’ll do everything in my power to hold on to it.”

My little brother was about to make me cry but I held back so he wouldn’t stop.

“I don’t know what happened between you and Tyler, and I’m not going to ask because it’s none of my business, but I do know that if you still love him, you need to fight for him. I think he still loves you too or he wouldn’t have even let you into his house last night. Make him see that you two belong together so you can move back here and be happy again because I miss you and want you back too.”

“Ash…”

“No, let me finish.” He was sitting on the edge of his chair leaning toward me at that point. “This is my senior year and then I’m off to college and I want you to be around for the rest of it. I have my final football game Friday and my first basketball game in three weeks. I want you to see me play. I’m not trying to guilt trip you here. I just need my big brother, okay?”

Knife, meet heart… and twist.

“Okay, Ashton, I’ll be there for both games, that much I can promise. I’ll work on the rest, I swear. I love you, baby brother.”

Ashton pulled me out of my chair and hugged me. “I love you, too,” he whispered then he went inside the house. I knew I had to go up and face Donny soon but I didn’t know how much more emotional guilt I could pile on without completely exploding.

I sat back down in my chair for a few minutes of peace and quiet before deciding it was time to face the music.

When I walked into my room, Donny was still lying on my bed. “Hey,” I said tentatively.

“Oh, are you finally back?” he asked me sarcastically.

“Yeah, I’ve got to shower and then I’ll probably take a nap before the viewing tonight. It’s going to be difficult.” I stripped off my shirt and rummaged in my bag for clean clothes.

“So, did you enjoy yourself last night?” The disgust in his voice wasn’t lost on me.

“Donny, I’m really not in the mood for an argument. I’ve already fought with Tyler this morning, and my brother and I just had a very personal moment downstairs. I just need a damn break.”

“Why is it always about what you need, Alex? Why do you never think about anyone else? You left me here alone all night without knowing where you were.”

And I lost it.

“Are you fucking kidding me? All I ever do is think about everyone else! I left you here last night because you told me to go away, and I had things to do. I really fucking wish you’d stop playing the victim here. I’ve been absolutely honest with you about everything since we broke up, and I’m sorry that you’re hurting and that it’s my fault, but damn it, Donny, I don’t know what else to do for you. If you want to go home, take my car and I’ll either fly back or see if my parents can drive me but stop trying to pick fights with me. I didn’t ask you to be a martyr and come with me. You knew what this trip was going to be about and that I’d be seeing Tyler again. Now, I’ve got to go take a shower. Make up your mind before I get done.”

It was like my anger just finally exploded out of me and Donny got the brunt end of it but, damn it, I was done being everyone’s emotional punching bag. I was hard enough on myself about everything without everyone else adding to it. I got into the shower and stayed there until the hot water ran ice cold in an effort to give myself enough time and space to calm down.

Once I was dried and dressed, I cautiously walked back into my bedroom, half expecting Donny to be long gone by then but was surprised to find him sitting on my bed.

“I’m sorry.”

Well that came out of nowhere.
“For what?” I asked him curiously.

“I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I came here with you to be a good friend and someone you could lean on while you dealt with this funeral, and I let my emotions get the best of me. You’re right. I am hurt. Partially by you, but mostly because I knew I shouldn’t fall in love with you when you weren’t available but I did it anyway. I’ll try not to let my frustrations get the best of me anymore.”

“Thank you for saying that, Donny. You know I never meant to do anything to hurt you, and I am glad you’re here with me. You’re the best friend I could ask for,” I told him, meaning every word of it.

“I know.”

He leaned back on the bed and asked me what had happened the night before, so I sat down on the foot of the bed and told him without going into specifics. I could tell some of the things I said hurt him, but he did a good job of trying not to let it show and just listening.

We went down and got some lunch before I took a nap. I knew I was going to need all the rest I could get to deal with the viewing that night. Donny decided to take my car and go out exploring a bit while I slept.

I was nervous about seeing Tyler’s family again. I didn’t know if they would hate me or not. The butterflies made it hard to sleep, but once I finally crashed, I slept really well for a few hours. When I woke up, Donny was back and ready to go.

Whether I was ready for it or not, it was time to head to the viewing where Tyler and Donny would meet for the first time. I briefly wondered if I should bring alcohol but we left without it.
Here goes nothing.

Tyler

Maybe last night was a mistake…

Those words echoed in my head for an hour after Alex left so angrily, and my problem was I knew I couldn’t even blame him for being mad. I wasn’t even sure why I’d said that because I knew that what we’d done wasn’t a mistake. Nothing that happened between Alex and myself had ever been a mistake.

I went into the living room and lay back down on the couch where we’d just spent the night in each other’s arms. The blanket still smelled like him so I pulled it up close and wrapped myself in it, inhaling deeply until I couldn’t smell him any longer.

I tried to come up with a reason to justify my harsh words, but the only thing that I could come up with was that it hurt to know he was talking on his phone to someone he loved that wasn’t me. I didn’t want to fall back into our old pattern of fighting all the time. That was the reason he’d left in the first place and it would just give him another reason to run.

I just wasn’t sure if I was ready to hear everything he had to say, because even though he’d said he wanted to be a part of my life again and I desperately wanted him to stay, I wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to trust him not to hurt me like that again. Then there was the whole ex-boyfriend-slash-best-friend issue to deal with.

I was lost in my thoughts when a knock sounded on my door and then it slowly creaked open. “Tyler?” Riley called out.