Back to You (10 page)

“I’m trying to apologize here, Donny, which seems like all I’ve been doing to you since we started this whole thing. You know I never meant to hurt you in any of this.”

His eyes softened a bit and he set his cup down on the table. “I know.”

“The thing is, I don’t think I’ve been completely honest with either one of us, so what I’m about to say is really hard for me. I called my mom yesterday, and she made me think about some things that I really didn’t want to face.” My heart was beating double time at the thought of what he might do when he heard what I was about to tell him. “You know I love you, I really do, but I’m just not in love with you.” The look of dread that had been on his face slid off like a mask and the one that replaced it was something I’d never wanted see on his face. Pure, unadulterated heartache and I had to fix that.

“I want to be in love with you so badly, Donny, and I’m so incredibly sorry, but my mom made me see that this isn’t about me and what I want anymore. This is about you and what you deserve. You should be with someone who can love you with everything they have, someone who doesn’t put that look on your face all the time because of what an idiot they are, and someone whose heart isn’t already taken.” He was quiet and he wouldn’t even look at me. I didn’t blame him. “You told me the other night that I had to prove to you that I loved you, that I couldn’t just say it and have it be true just because I wanted it to be. Damn it, Donny, you’re my best friend and I need to protect you from idiots who’ll hurt you, even if I’m that fucking idiot. I love you in every way that I can, just not in the way you deserve.”

And my fucking phone rang right at that moment. His head snapped up and he glared at me like I’d just killed his puppy because as soon as I saw the Nebraska area code I answered it. “Hello?”

“Is this Alex Parker?” the person on the other end of the phone asked.

“Yes, who is this?” I asked. The voice was familiar but I wasn’t placing it fast enough.

There was a slight pause on the other end. “It’s Austin.”

“Oh…” That couldn’t be good if Tyler’s brother was calling. “Is everything okay?”

“Look, I don’t even know if I should be calling or not. I’m sure Tyler’s going to kill me when he finds out what I’ve done, but I have something to tell you that I think you deserve to know.” Austin sounded incredibly nervous which was making me nervous, and Donny was still glaring at me from across the table.

“I’m sorry,”
I mouthed to him while waiting for Austin to continue. When his pause lasted a bit longer than I could take I finally demanded, “Austin, please, just tell me what’s going on!”

“Grammy Bea passed away last night.” And whatever small bit of my heart that had survived those past few months shattered completely.
 

“What? No!” I roared in disbelief in the middle of the bakery, not even caring that people were staring at me. “How did it happen?”

“She had a heart attack on the way home from Tyler’s birthday party last night and she didn’t make it,” he explained quietly.

“Oh, god…” I looked up at Donny and I don’t know what he saw but he had to have realized something was wrong because he leaned forward in his seat and mouthed
“What?”

I just shook my head at him and listened to Austin continue. “Yeah, we’ve been talking about funeral arrangements and we’re thinking it’s going to be Tuesday or Wednesday. Look, I know how things ended with you and Tyler wasn’t great, but Grammy always loved you and I know you loved her, and I think you deserve to have the chance to come say good-bye if you want it. I’ll deal with Tyler and his anger at me later. I’ve got to go but if you have any questions just text me, okay?”

Well, that’s the kind of devastating news you never want dropped on you. “Yeah, I will. Thank you for calling me, Austin. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem,” he replied and then the conversation ended.

I dropped my phone on the table and tried to process the call. I’m pretty sure I was in shock at that point. Grammy couldn’t really be gone, could she? Was it another bad dream that I was going to wake up from and be relieved that it wasn’t real? How could that have happened?

“Alex!” I felt someone’s hand on me and I began to shake. “Alex, what happened? Who is Austin?”

I snapped out of my daze and Donny was crouched down next to me on my side of the table. I turned to look at him. “Austin is Tyler’s brother. Grammy Bea died last night.”

And just like that reality hit me again.
I swear one of these days I’m going to bitch slap reality for all the abuse she’s put me through.

“Oh, god, I’ve got to go back to Lincoln.” I jumped out of my chair and rushed out the door without even thinking. I’d walked to the bakery so I took off at a sprint back to my apartment.

“Alex, wait!” I heard Donny shout and I stopped to turn around and saw he was running after me. “You’re in no position to drive. I’m coming with you.”

I didn’t even try to fight him because, honestly, I wanted him there with me, so we hurried back to the complex and split up. I dashed around my apartment packing everything I thought I might need. I wasn’t sure how long we were going to be there but I knew I had to go.

I called Michelangelo’s and explained what had happened and arranged to get the time off of work, and about an hour later, Donny showed up with a small duffel bag.

“Are you okay?” he asked me when he walked into the apartment and found me sitting on my couch with my head in my hands.

“No, honestly, I’m not okay.” I was devastated beyond belief. “Grammy was amazing and treated me like one of her grandkids from the moment I met her. She told me to knock off that ma’am crap and call her Grammy and there was no arguing with that woman.” A few stray tears escaped and slid down my cheeks. “I loved her, Donny.”

He sat down next to me and put his arm around me. “I’m sure you did; she sounds like she was a fun lady.”

“Are we okay?” I asked him, silently begging him to say we were okay. “I can’t deal with all of this at once and I need to know that we’re going to be fine.”

Donny wrapped his other arm around me and pulled me in to hug him. “Truthfully, I want to be pissed off at you for leading me on and making me think that we could make this work, but then I think back and realize that you warned me that you might suck at this and at least you tried. I’m not going anywhere, Alex, and you know I’m here for you, but after all of this is over, I might need some space. If I do, I’m going to need you to honor that.”

“I will,” I promised. I was just so glad that I wasn’t losing him.

“Are you ready to go?” he asked me. “From what I understand, it’s a long drive.”

We got into my car and began our journey back to Nebraska. It was about three in the afternoon when we left which meant if we drove straight through we’d arrive in Lincoln at about one in the morning, but with gas, food, and bathroom stops it would take longer.

It was a little after midnight and we’d just crossed the state line from Kansas into Nebraska when it really sank in. “Oh, god…” I groaned.

“What’s wrong?” Donny asked with concern.

“I just realized that I’m going to be in the same city as Tyler in just over two hours.” The anticipation of seeing him again was crazy but I was nervous as hell too.

“So am I.”

Oh. I hadn’t even thought about Donny and Tyler being in the same place at the same time.

“Promise me you aren’t going to be mean or yell at him, please?” I asked him. “His grandma just died and they were really close. I don’t want our presence to be any more of a stressor than it already will be.”

“Oh, yes, let me make sure that I don’t make his life any harder considering all the crap I’ve been through in the past several weeks. I’ll get right on that.” And the return of the sarcasm was super.

“Donny…” I used my warning voice.

“I’ll do my best; that’s all I can promise.”

I leaned back against the seat and watched numbly as the miles passed and drew us closer to Lincoln. How was I supposed to resist the urge to go to Tyler as soon as I got there?

When we pulled into town, I watched in awe as the familiar places brought back so many memories I’d tried to bury. I directed Donny to my parents’ house and my mom was out the front door and hugging me the second I was out of the car. Ashton and my dad followed her out and I hugged them hard because I’d missed them so much.

Once we got inside, I led Donny up to my old room so we could crash. It’d been a long and extremely exhausting day but I knew the next few days were going to be worse. I didn’t even bother showering. I just climbed into bed and Donny got in next to me. He pulled me to him and once again I became the little spoon. I was worried that it might make things more awkward but as I drifted off to sleep, I realized that we both needed the comfort and I was okay with that.

Tyler

“So, we’re doing the visitation on Tuesday night and the funeral on Wednesday morning, right?” I asked my father to make sure I had my information correct. He was holding up surprisingly well for having just lost his mother, but I was fairly certain that it was just his way of coping, and when all the arrangements were made and everything was over, then he would fall apart and grieve.

“Yeah, I think that’s the best way. Tuesday is probably too soon for some people to make it back and not quite enough time for the funeral home to get the arrangements made,” he explained as he shuffled through some of the papers he’d been filling out.

I was emotionally wrecked after the events of the past few days. We’d gone back to my parents’ house after we finally left the hospital and everyone stayed up and supported each other. Riley hadn’t left my side and had even called Andrew to let him know what had happened, so I wasn’t surprised when Andrew showed up at two in the morning and joined our support group.

We’d told stories about Grammy, we cried then we all went to sleep under the same roof, which made me feel a little better. Riley was amazing through the whole thing and I was starting to wonder if maybe it wasn’t time to make things a little more official with him. He was so sweet and kind and caring, and I knew he had to have felt strongly about me, or he wouldn’t have stuck around during such an emotionally tough time for me. I thought maybe I should wait until after things settled down a bit, but every time I saw him smile or hold my hand or even voluntarily hug my sister and mother while they were crying when I knew that sort of physical touch with other people made him uncomfortable, it made me want him more and more.

The only thing that had been bugging me was the way that my brother had been acting strange around Riley and me since Sunday. I knew he wasn’t a homophobe or anything like that, so I couldn’t figure it out, but I had enough on my plate to worry about without adding his peculiar behavior on top of it.

Some of the family had met at the funeral home on Monday morning to meet with Stephen Williams, our funeral director, and make decisions about the final arrangements.

“Have we called everyone we needed to?” I asked. “I don’t want anyone left out.”

“I think we called everyone on the list,” my father replied, slipping his arm around my mother to comfort her. Focusing on getting things set up had helped to keep my mind from wandering, so I’d dived in head first to help my father. Calling the family wasn’t the easiest thing to do but we’d gotten it done. “Well, I’m going to go talk to Stephen then and finish up here, why don’t you guys go on home and get some rest. You can come by the house for dinner tonight if you want,” my father suggested and stood up.

He reached out and shook Riley’s hand. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for our family so far, Riley, and most of all, thank you for being there for Tyler. He needs a good friend right now and I’m glad he’s got you.”

Riley blushed at the special attention. “It’s no problem, sir. I’m happy to help in any way that I can.” I pulled him close and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tight. Having him there was beyond comforting and I saw my dad smile as he witnessed it.

When we got back to the house, we showered quickly (which was always such a test of my own restraint when I had a wet, naked Riley in front of me) and decided to take a nap. I had settled into the most perfectly comfortable position with Riley in my arms and was almost asleep when my damn doorbell rang.

“Fuck,” I muttered as I reluctantly got back out of bed and went to answer the door wondering who in the hell it could be and incredibly irritated at having my nap interrupted.

“Can I help…” I started to snap at the intruder as I opened the door but stopped dead in my tracks when I locked eyes with the person standing on my porch. “Alex,” I whispered, stunned out of my goddamned mind.

I stood there and stared at him staring back at me. I was dreaming; I had to be dreaming. There was no way Alex was standing on my porch in the middle of the day. He lived in Texas.

“Hi, Tyler,” he said softly, breaking the trance I was in and surprising me by pulling me to him and hugging me so tightly that it took me a second to respond. As soon as my brain started functioning again, I latched on to him, grasping desperately at his shirt, trying to get as close to him as possible. It was so surreal to feel his hands on my skin again, and since I’d thought I’d never have the opportunity to touch him again, I decided I was going to revel in that hug for as long as I could, consequences be damned. I inhaled deeply. He smelled exactly like I remembered him and my heart began beating so fast I thought I might pass out.