Back To Us (22 page)

“If I told Justin you came out here and said these things to me he’d be so angry with you.”

“Yes, he probably would be. But he’ll get over it once he realizes how right I am. Eventually Justin will come to accept that his life won’t be like his brothers’, but it will be okay because he has parents who would do anything for him. Justin’s home, his family, is a constant. You are not.”

“Newsflash. You and your husband are not going to be around forever. What’s gonna happen when the two of you die? Who will take care of him then?”

“We will make the necessary arrangements.”

A wave of anger rolled through me. Why did Justin’s mother think she had the right to decide his future for him? It was like she’d made up her mind that he was permanently damaged and somehow that meant he wouldn’t get to fall in love and get married and have kids the way her other children would. And if he ever did, he wouldn’t be doing those things with me, because I wasn’t good enough to be a Lambert.

I crossed my arms across my chest. I was done arguing with Justin’s mother. There would be no changing her mind, ever. “You said what you came to say, now leave.”

Without another word Justin’s mother walked out. She didn’t even bother closing the door behind herself, which was fine by me because at least I was able to take some of my anger out on the door as I slammed it shut. I felt like I was in some sort of bizarre soap opera world where rich people did weird things all the time, but it didn’t matter because it wasn’t real, it was just TV.

I would be late for class because of Justin’s mother. It hardly mattered. By the time I got to school I was still so upset that I couldn’t concentrate. I sat in the back of the class trying to decide what I was going to do about Justin instead of paying attention to the professor because I was too upset to think straight.

The words from my father’s letter and the ones from Justin’s mother rang in my head as I made my way home from class later.
A disappointment, dead to me, you won’t fit in with our family.
Then I started to think about Justin and how just a few nights earlier he’d told me he didn’t want me taking care of him. I’d managed to put it out of my head over the weekend, but with everything that had happened since I last saw him it was hard not to add that to the list of things that were destroying me. By the time I made it home I was on the verge of tears, but I wouldn’t let myself cry. Not even my cat curling up into my lap made me feel better. All I could think about was how badly I wanted a do-over, a new life with a normal family and a boyfriend whose parents welcomed me. But there were no do-overs in life.

I picked up the phone and called Susan.

“I really need to get drunk.”

“Is that all I’m good for? You need to get drunk, time to call Susan.”

“I’m sorry.” It was all I managed to get out before I choked on the tears that began to slide down my face.

“Hey, I was just kidding. Of course you can come over.”

“No.” My common sense was trying to override my emotions. “I got drunk yesterday. It’s probably not a good idea for me to do it again.”

“What’s wrong? Did you and Justin get into a fight?”

“No. It’s a long story. Just forget I called.”

“I can’t just forget. You sound awful, Jesse. I’m coming over.”

She hung up before I could talk her out of it. A few minutes later Mike and Mel showed up, by then I had wiped my eyes.

“We’re getting pizza,” Mel announced as I walked into the kitchen to greet her. Normally I loved getting pizza with Mel because she was the only person I knew who loved thin crust with jalapenos as much as I did, but not even pizza was going to get me out the funk I was in.

“What’s up with you?” Mike asked. “You’re not still thinking about that stupid letter, are you? I’m totally over it, and you should be, too.”

“It’s not that.” I shook my head. “Well, maybe it is a little.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“What if Mel’s family hated you? What if they didn’t want you and her to be together?”

“Is this about Justin and his mother?”

“Yeah. She came over today. . .”

“Wait a minute. She showed up here? At the apartment?”

“Yup.”

“Why?”

“To tell me she doesn’t believe that I love Justin, and that I don’t fit in with their family.”

“Oh my God!” Mel said. “I would’ve slapped that bitch in her face.”

“Believe me, I thought about it. But I don’t think Justin would be very happy with me if I did.”

“Did you tell him what she said?”

“No, and I don’t think I’m going to either.”

There was a knock on the door. Susan. I let her in.

“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” she asked as she looked at all our faces.

“Her boyfriend’s mother hates her,” Mike chimed in.

I told Susan the story about Mrs. Lambert’s visit. She also thought I needed to tell Justin, but I was afraid his mother was right. I was afraid that he might be angry with her at first, but eventually he would forgive her, and I’d feel even more left out of his family than I already did. I didn’t want him to have to choose between me and his family, because I was pretty sure he wouldn’t pick me.

“What am I going to do?” I wondered if Mike knew how lucky he had it. Mel’s family treated him like he belonged, and that probably made up for the fact that our mother and father couldn’t give a shit about us.

“You’re not going to do anything,” Susan said. “She can’t tell you what to do. Fuck her.”

Mike was looking at me, his eyes full of sympathy. “Look, J, I hate to say this, but the choice is pretty simple.”

“And that would be?”

“You and I don’t know what it means to have a real family, but I know that’s what you want. I’ve seen you do some stupid shit to try and get it, too.”

Leave it to my brother to come right out and say something like that. “Like what?”

“Like move in with that loser who was boning some girl behind your back.”

I rolled my eyes at Mike and put my hands on my hips. “Gee, thanks for reminding me.”

“The point is, Justin can’t give you what you want. He might make you happy now, but sooner or later that train’s gonna come to a stop, and you’re gonna have to hop off.”

“Mike,” Mel snapped.

“Hey, I’m just being honest here.”

Because that’s what Mike did. He told the truth whether you liked hearing it or not, and a small part of me worried that he was right. What I didn’t know was how I was ever going to find the courage to hop off the train before it crashed and left me in a million pieces.

“I brought up the idea of moving in together to Justin.”

“What did he say?” asked Susan, sounding surprised. I could understand why. It was just over a year ago that I vehemently swore I’d never move in with a guy again. But Justin was different.

“That he didn’t want his girlfriend taking care of him.”

“That’s such bullshit,” Mel interrupted. “That’s what you do when you’re a couple, you take care of each other.”

“I’m sorry, Mike. I know if it was up to you you’d be on the next plane to Vegas with Mel instead of helping me make rent here.”

“Don’t even say the V word. Especially not around my family.”

“Mel’s family would kill us both if we didn’t have a wedding that included her whole
entire
family,” my brother said, dramatically. “And that’s gonna take at least a year to plan.”

“At least,” agreed Mel.

“Don’t worry, J.” Mike rubbed my shoulder with his hand. “I won’t leave you hanging.”

When I woke up the next morning it dawned on me that the night before had been the first that I hadn’t spoken to Justin since we’d started dating. I picked up my phone and realized that somehow I’d turned off the ringer. There were a lot of missed calls from Justin, but he hadn’t left any messages and he was probably already at work so I didn’t want to bother him. I slumped out of bed and figured by the time he got off of work I’d have my head together enough to talk to him. Somehow I was able to make it through all three classes I had that day even though it was always there—that sinking feeling in my chest and the ‘you’re not good enough’ voice in my head.

I dragged myself back home, so lost in how bad I felt that I didn’t even notice Justin sitting on the stoop in front of my building until I practically stumbled over him.

“What are you doing here?” I was so surprised to see him. Then his mother’s visit came back to me and I worried he’d come to tell me something I didn’t want to hear. Maybe she’d convinced him I was all wrong for him and he was here to tell me.

Justin stood and I looked in his eyes. There were dark circles under them. “I came to see if you were all right and you obviously are, so I’ll just go now.”

Justin started to walk away. I grabbed his hand. “Hey, wait. Where are you going?”

“What do you care?” he replied, his voice heavy with anger.

“Justin? Why are you mad at me?”

He turned around to face me, but didn’t answer right away. “I haven’t heard from you since you said goodbye to me on Sunday. Which means one of two things, and since you’re obviously okay and not lying in a hospital bed somewhere, then the only reason you haven’t called is because you don’t have the courage to tell me to my face that you’re done with me.”

“
What
are you talking about?”

“If you changed your mind about me, you could’ve at least told me.” Justin’s voice rose. “I was up all night waiting to hear from you.”

“You got it all wrong. I had my ringer off. Mike and Mel were home and Susan came over and I got distracted. I’m sorry.”

Justin remained stone-faced. Had he really thought I was avoiding him? Just a few days ago we’d both said I love to you each other. Did he really have so little faith in me that he’d think I could tell him I love you one day and want to break up with him the next? I rested my hand on his arm. “Justin, c’mon. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t do that to me again.” His voice cracked, it sounded like he was trying to choke back tears.

“Hey, come here.” I pulled him into my arms. His body was stiff. I didn’t like what he’d been thinking, but seeing him so upset was even worse. “I’m sorry.”

“I swore I wouldn’t do this to you. I swore if you decided you didn’t want to be with me that I’d let you go, no questions asked, but I don’t think I can, Jess.”

“I’m here, Justin, and I don’t want you to let me go. I’m sorry about last night.” Justin began to relax in my arms as my words sunk in.

He held my face in his hands and stared into my eyes before pressing his lips on mine. He kissed me like I was his air and laced his hands through my hair. Everything melted away except for the feel of his hands touching me. “Can we go inside?”

“Mmmm.”

It was hard to stop kissing him, but I managed to pull myself away and get the door unlocked. Inside my apartment Justin pinned me against the wall and kissed me again. I could tell what he wanted and I needed him as badly as he needed me so I was willing to risk the embarrassment of my brother walking in on us. Layers of clothing came off, falling on the floor as the two of us made our way to my bedroom. We lay beside each other and when Justin entered me I inhaled sharply. My heart raced and that dizzy feeling I always had when Justin and I were close came over me. I pulled his face towards mine and kissed him. His hips moved in rhythm with mine, he was both gentle and urgent at the same time until he held on to me tightly as he spasmed with pleasure.

We lay silently beside each other after. There were no windows in my bedroom so there was no way for me to tell how late it was getting. Justin kissed the top of my head and I lifted my head to look at him.

“I can’t believe you actually thought I was breaking up with you,” I finally said.

“We talk every day, Jess. And then out of the blue I don’t hear from you for two days.” Justin eased me off his chest and sat up. “You can deny it all you want, but I know you were upset with me this weekend.”

“You were upset, too.”

“Not with you, though. I was mad at myself.”

“For what?”

“For not being the perfect man you deserve.”

“Justin, you have to stop that already.”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help the way I feel.” I inched closer to Justin and he draped his arm on my shoulder. “You told me what happened Monday, but why didn’t you call after you got back home on Sunday?”

I didn’t want to think about the letter Mike showed me, much less talk about it. “It’s a long story.”

“So we’re back to that now?”

“Back to what?”

“You not telling me things.”

I lowered my eyes. “Mike got a letter from my dad. It was really hard to read it—and to see my brother that upset. We both had a little too much to drink after.”

“What did the letter say?”

“Mike told him that he was getting married and that he wanted him and my mother to come to the wedding, but my father said no, and that as far as he was concerned we were dead to him.”

“Oh my God, Jess.” Justin pulled me closer to him and wrapped one of his arms around me. “Now I feel like a jerk for getting mad at you. I’m sorry. Your dad’s an asshole. How can he not see how awesome you and your brother are?”

“It doesn’t matter. To be honest, I don’t really want to think about it anymore.”

Being in Justin’s arms was comforting and it helped me to forget things I didn’t like thinking about. I wanted him to spend the night, but I wouldn’t ask him to do that. He couldn’t sleep with his prosthetic legs on, and it would be impossible for him to get in and out of the shower in my apartment without them. It was late when Justin left and I hated watching him go because after he was gone I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from thinking about all the things I was too afraid to mention to him.

Midterm exams came and went. They were a good excuse for not having a lot of time to talk, but after they were done I couldn’t think of a reason to cut my nightly conversations with Justin short. It wasn’t that I didn’t like talking to him, but every conversation took my mind to things I hated thinking about. I watched Mike and Mel together and knew I’d never have what they did. Mike had a family with her, which was something I’d never have with Justin. I swore to Mike and even to Justin that my father’s words didn’t matter to me, but it was a lie. I tried convincing myself that Justin’s mother was wrong for telling me everything she had told me, but I was fooling myself. Every time I looked at my reflection in the mirror I remembered her words.
You don’t fit.
She was wrong about my feelings for Justin, but she was right about everything else. From the time Justin and I shared a cab and I saw the building he lived in I should’ve convinced myself that I wasn’t right for him. If he hadn’t been injured, would he ever have been interested in a girl like me? I couldn’t help but wonder if he lowered his standards because he didn’t think he could do better than someone like me. Maybe that was the real reason he didn’t want to move out of his parent’s house and in with me.