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Booby Trapped Boobs

B
rad grunted and groaned as he continued his escape attempt.

“I sure hope Katherine’s okay. If I hang upside down much longer, my belly button will be permanently relocated to my chest. How long has it been, Gertie? A few hours?”

“About fifteen minutes. It just seems longer. Any luck, Brad?”

“I’m finally getting somewhere. I clawed through the mud and I’ve found a tree root. I think I can make it out. Just…have…to grab…on…arrgh. I’m…almost…just one more pull…I’m coming…out!”

“Sweet mother of God, what are you doing down there?”

“Yeah! Woo! Hey, ladies, why are a couple of nice girls like you hanging around in a forest like this?”

“Pleeeeaaase! Just get me down from here. I’m losing my mind!” Jessica sobbed.

“Okay, okay, you’re first.” Brad looked over the giant snare until he found a knot in the thick rope. After a few minutes of struggling, Jessica landed on the ground with a thud. He immediately repeated the process on my snare.

As he helped us to our feet, we heard the whinnies and neighs of horses closing in. “Halt! In the name of the King!”

“Aw…seriously? This guy?” Jessica referred to the leader of about a dozen mounted men.

“Again! My wand and broom must have fallen out when I got flung through the air.”

“Lord Tossinoff, what are you doing here?” Brad asked.

“California King! Your Highness, I should be asking the same. I am hunting a dragon. King Henry is holding court here at the castle. He will be joining in the great dragon hunt as well.”

“The dragon, of course. I heard a rumor about a dragon. That’s exactly why I’m out here. I haven’t come across a single track. Have you found any signs of the dragon?”

“In fact, ten of my best men cornered it under a rocky ledge just a mile west of here. They’ve gotten it caged. It is too large to move, but it is our captive there, as anywhere. I was just on my way to notify King Henry so that he may slay it tomorrow in the evening. He will be occupied with the royal jousting matches in the morning.”

“Why of course! The king should be the one. I would very much enjoy witnessing his triumph.”

“Of course. It appears that thou has subdued the witches!” Lord Tossinoff pointed at the snares still coiled around our legs. “A vicious struggle, no doubt. My household will furnish you with clothes and meet any of your needs. My men will take the witches and lock them in the keep. I know the king, as well as my good friend, Duke Charles, will be most pleased with these prizes.”

“Yes, well…” Brad glanced at us and winked once. He had a plan. “Give me a horse, and I will take these wenches to the castle myself. I believe I’ve earned that honor.”

“Very well. We will follow well behind, Your Highness.” He waved a hand in the air, giving a signal for one of the soldiers to dismount. The man handed the reins to Brad, then bound mine and Jessica’s hands before removing the rope from our feet.

I’d never considered Brad to be a rider. From the way he so warily approached the horse, like he was about to mount an enraged escaped rhinoceros, neither did he. Brad circled the horse as if he couldn’t find some imagined stairs or an on-off switch.

“Is there a problem with the horse, Your Highness?” the soldier asked.

Brad expertly hid his incompetence behind blustery criticism. “It’s an English horse. It goes without saying there’s a problem, you boob. In my kingdom, the horse genuflects before its master. You know, it bows down so one may easily sit his royal ass on the leather seat.”

“It bows down, Your Highness?” the soldier asked, quite confused.

“Yes! Of course it bows down, you buffoon! And it would close its eyes the whole time.”

“Did he say genuflect? Really?” Jessica whispered.

“Psst. Brad, the leather seat is called a saddle,” I whispered.

“Huh? Oh, okay.” Brad gave me a secretive thumbs up and patted the horse’s nose. “It would be undignified for the California King to ride such an uncouth beast. Take it away! It offends thy royalessness.”

“Yes, Your Highness.” The soldier returned the horse to Lord Tossinoff’s patrol.

“I will lead on foot,” Brad said, taking up the rope that was tied around our waists. “Stay well behind me, Tossinoff. I do not wish to smell your foul beasts.” Darcy took the opportunity to quietly jump back into the plush cat carrier.

We were a few hundred yards out of the forest before Lord Tossinoff’s patrol moved out. My optimism faded fast. It seemed we were out of luck. Olaf had been found, but frightened, cornered, and caged by mean men. Ezzy was lost to herself and was lost in time. Cosmos and Randy had no idea where we were, and the only other person was a young girl with a flock of geese.

“Brad, you played your part well back there. Someday, I’ll show you how to ride a horse.”

“Hopefully, that someday will be hundreds of years in the future. Did either of you see which way Katherine went?”

“I’m hoping she is watching us right now. You never know, she might be the one to save us.”

“At least Tossinoff doesn’t think I’m in cahoots with the two of you. Not yet anyway. Which is good because after it gets dark, while you’re locked up, I can find a way back out to the woods, rescue Olaf, then rescue you. Or something like that.”

“Very optimistic of you,” Jessica said sarcastically. “Or maybe you could break us out and we could all get Olaf and go back to Randy and Cosmos.”

Challenged

“
D
uke Charles, greetings!”

“Your Highness! What a surprise. We all gave you up for dead after the witches took you. Tell me, how did you overpower them?” The duke was impressed and he may have been slightly suspicious.

“It’s a long story. A very long story. In fact, it’s such a long story I’ll have to wait until tomorrow to tell you. I must ask you a favor, Charles. When you confine these witches, you must provide them with comfortable lodging. They are my prisoners. As it is the custom in my kingdom, the king’s personal captives must be treated like they are the family of the king.”

“A very strange custom. Very strange indeed. Very well, they will be comfortable. The best room in the castle keep, I assure you.”

“As for myself, I would prefer a room to rest, undisturbed, until after dark.”

“Another custom of your kingdom, Your Highness?”

“Of course. Oh, and we have one more custom. I require one ice cold beer now.”

“Ahhmmm.” Duke Charles sighed. “Certainly, Your Highness. Anything else?”

“Just tell my friend, King Henry, that I’ve cleaned up his witch problem and I’ll see him later. Thanks.” Brad gave me another sly wink.

“Wow, Gertie. I’m impressed. Your boyfriend sure knows how to play these guys for fools.”

“Who would’ve thought? He’s a natural. This might still work out fine.”

Our captors led us to the castle keep.

The cell was drab, with a washbasin, a small table, and two uncomfortable beds. “This is the best room in the keep? Christ almighty, it might be fit for an Englishman, but not for me.”

Darcy abandoned us, and as she slunk away, I asked her to return to the forest and find my wand and broom. It’s hard to say, sometimes, whether a cat is saying she understands you, or if she’s simply providing her answer with a disgusted display of her ass. I’m pretty sure she did both.

Jessica and I passed the waning daylight hours talking about all the paranormal critters I’ve taken in over the years. It’s always good to find someone with a passion for animals, and even better when that passion is for the special gifted animals that I take care of.

“I’ve never met a cryptozoologist before. To be honest, I never even heard of one either. You should create a reference book, like one of those bird watcher’s guides. I’ve been hoping you would consider visiting me at the plantation. Would you, please? You can meet all the creatures.”

“Yes! Are you kidding? Of course I’ll visit! And that’s a great idea about writing a cryptozoologist’s field guide. Plus, I can catch up on giving Randy shit about his pretentious clothes.”

“We’ll have so much fun. You’re more than welcome to come and stay at the plantation any time you’d like.”

“Do you think it’s after dark yet?” Jessica seemed like she had more to say, but both of our eyes locked in on the echoing sounds of a heavy door being opened.

“Hey! Did you hear that? Someone’s coming.”

“Psst! Hi, ladies! I’m here to get you out.” Brad poked his face between the iron bars just so I could give him a kiss.”

“Kiss her later, Romeo. Get us out of here.”

“As soon as I find the key.” Brad searched the walls, a time consuming effort in the dim candlelight.

The door slammed again and another visitor arrived. “Well, well, fancy meeting you here, Your Highness. Come to check on your trophies?”

“Oh no. It’s Ezzy. And look how she’s dressed, and…just look at her,” Jessica whispered.

She didn’t need to point out Ezzy’s nearly sheer white nightgown, or the way her hair curled down over her shoulders, and especially the sultry look she gave Brad. It got worse. My mouth fell open, but I couldn’t get a word out edgewise. I was in shock. Ezzy moved in on Brad, tracing a finger down his chest.

She tried to seduce him right on the other side of the jail cell bars. Her head turned and her eyes burned a hole right through me. “Oh, what’s wrong, witch? I told you, the California King is mine.” Then she planted a kiss on Brad’s lips.

I was hopping mad. Literally. I don’t know why, but I hopped up and down, my fists clenched, as were my teeth. I felt some relief when Brad gripped her shoulders and pushed her away, holding her at arm’s length.

“Stop! You don’t know yourself, Ezzy. We’re getting out of here and taking you with us.”

Of course, something else bad had to happen. The door swung open. Duke Charles and two thugly looking henchmen marched in.

“What’s this? You philanderer, you satyr, you whatever, you come here and seduce the only woman I love! What do you say for yourself?”

Ezzy gave him a look of disgust. “Relax, Charles. I told you I don’t want you. This is the man I love and I intend to be his California Queen, so get used to it. Besides, I came here to seduce him.”

Brad did indeed want her, but only to take her back to the future. “That’s right, Charles. She’s coming with me. So you can—” One of the duke’s henchman seized Ezzy and took her out of the room.

“California King, I hereby challenge you to meet me at the jousting field in the morning. Be prepared to fight to the death!” The other henchman and Charles drew their swords. Brad reluctantly left the room.

“I’ll get you out of here!” he shouted.

“Well, here we are again. That must have been hard to watch. I’m sorry, Gertie.”

“It would’ve been easier if it would have been anyone other than Ezzy. Trust me, the woman gobbles up men like I go through a package of Oreos. And she is beautiful. She really has that sexy look down pat, even when she’s forgotten who she is.”

I sat down, put my head down, and closed my eyes. I felt dejected, lost, without an ounce of hope left.

“Knock, knock.”

“For the sake of Peter, Paul, and Mary, I don’t think I have a laugh in me, so you might as well spare the jokes, Jessica.”

“Knock, knock.”

“All right, who’s there?”

“Katherine.”

“Katherine, who,” I said rather unenthusiastically.

“Katherine? Katherine’s here, Gertie!” Jessica shouted.

When I looked up, I saw Katherine, Darcy, and of course, the flock of geese. “Thank my lucky stars! Katherine! Get us out of here!”

“You sure make a habit of getting yourself in some tight spots.” Katherine handed me my wand.

“Here you go, your wand and broom. Your cat found them and led me here.” Katherine’s eyes fell and her head bowed. “I’m sorry about something I did and I hope you don’t mind, but I tried your wand out. I needed to get in here somehow, and I knew I could make your wand work if I tried hard enough. I surprised myself when something like lightning shot out of the tip. Now there is a big hole in the outside wall of the keep.”

“What are we waiting for? We better run fast before the guards find out,” Jessica urged us on.

“Meow.” Darcy pawed at Katherine’s leg.

“Oh, thank you, clever cat. You’ve found the key.” She made quick work of the lock and we made a joyous jailbreak. We sprinted across the moonlit field, returning to where we’d been snared earlier.

Saving Olaf

“
I
don’t have any idea how long we have until dawn,” I said.

“I guess an hour, maybe two,” Katherine replied.

“In any case, this is our last chance to find Olaf. Old Tossinoff said they had Olaf trapped not too far from here.”

“What about Brad?” Jessica asked.

“Brad will be fine for now, we just have to meet him at the jousting match in the morning. As sickening as this may sound, Brad must win that match in order to claim Ezzy as his prize. When we are all together again, I’ll use my broom to take us back to Cosmos.”

“Meow, meow.”

“No, Darcy. We have to take Katherine and her geese back to the gamekeeper’s hut.”

“Just take me to the cave with you. After all, that’s where I started following you from.”

“Meeooow,” Darcy interrupted.

“Darcy says she knows the way to Olaf,” I said, and suggested Darcy lead the way. We took the main path through the forest, using my wand’s magical torch feature.

Branches and twigs snapped somewhere in the dark forest, unnerving to say the least. I wasn’t alone. Jessica, Katherine, and the geese huddled next to me.

We walked for at least a mile, none of us said a word. I prefer to keep my fears to myself because whenever I confess them, someone else will suggest something even more frightening.

“Shh. Stop,” Jessica whispered. “Did you smell that? I just caught a musky smell. Like something passed close by. It happened earlier, twice. But I didn’t want to say anything until I was sure. It reminds me of a case I heard at last year’s Cryptozoologist’s convention. The senior research team leader, Harry Glanz, reported that he went really deep into the bush up near Moose Knuckle, Minnesota. Something followed beside him, but he couldn’t get a look at it. Although a few times it came close enough that he could smell its musky odor.”