Back To Me (8 page)

              I felt a hand on my shoulder. Looking up, I saw that it was Blake.

              “How’s the patient?” he asked with a nod towards Billy.

              “The same.”

              Blake let out an audible sigh before pulling another chair over to where I was sitting. “He’ll be okay, Heather. You have to believe that.”

              “I hope you’re right,” I cried harder. “I can’t do this without him!”

              Blake rested his arm around my shoulder and pulled my closer to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and let go, never once releasing Billy’s hand. That’s where the real comfort came from.

              “Why don’t you go home and get some rest. Shower and get something to eat. I’ll stay with him until you get back.”

              I rose up, looking at Blake as if he was crazy. Leave Billy? Never.

              “I can’t, Blake. He needs me!” I argued. “I won’t leave until I know he’s going to be okay.”

              Just then the door opened and a large man, who I presumed was the doctor walked in. He nodded in Blake’s direction, but never spoke a word or even acknowledged me. I watched him carefully, anxiously awaiting any update on his condition that might give me hope. When he continued to keep silent, my stomach churned, alerting me to quickly get to the trash can and assume the position. Blake was behind me in a second, holding my hair and rubbing my back.

              “It’s alright, Heather. It’s okay.” He continued comforting me until I was through. I heard him moving around, but I was still hovered over the wastebasket just in case. When I felt something cold on my neck, I reached around and felt a washcloth he had placed there to cool me down. I was still lurching forward as dry-heaves took over. I swear it was as bad as actually expelling the putrid vomit.

              When the wet rag had cooled my feverish skin, I slowly stood upright so I didn’t get dizzy again. I wasn’t sure if it was the pregnancy or Billy’s current state making me sick; probably a combination of both, I imagined.

              “I’m fine,” I assured Blake. He never let go of my arm as he walked me back to my seat. The doctor was checking Billy’s drainage site and Blake was pacing the floor, looking as nervous as I felt.

              “Well, everything looks good here,” he finally announced. “I’m Doctor Carver. You must be Heather.” The unfriendly looking man finally cut his eyes to me, all the while keeping his head lowered.

              “Yes,” I stuttered. “How is he?”

              “Well, he was shot so I would say not so well.”

              Okay, apparently the asshole needed to work on his bedside manner. Blake came to stand behind me, resting his hand on my shoulder. I felt his grip tighten, warning me to stay calm. I certainly didn’t want to get thrown out and not be able to stay with Billy.

              “Dr. Carver, I understand that he’s been shot. My question is in regards to his prognosis.”

              “Very well,” he sneered with authority. I wasn’t book smart like a doctor, but I wasn’t an illiterate either.

              “Let me explain this to you in a way you’ll understand. He was shot in the leg. The bullet was close to his main artery. He suffered a lot of internal bleeding, which for now we have been able to stop. That doesn’t mean it won’t start again. We also worry about patients in his condition developing an embolism, or a blood clot in the lungs. Air can sometimes get trapped, thus creating a whole new problem. For now he’s stable. All we can do is monitor his progress and keep him comfortable.”

              “When will he wake up?”

              “Again, when he’s ready. It could be hours, it could be days, even weeks to months. Everyone is different.” Dr. Carver wrote furiously on his chart, only maintaining little to no eye contact.

              “I see. Well, what about when he does wake up. Will he be able to walk?”

              “Ms.?”

              “Ms. Harrison, but please, call me Heather.” I gave him the sweetest smile I could muster, yet secretly I wanted to punch his lights out or jab him with a needle full of rat poison. He was the most condescending jerk I’d ever met and I certainly didn’t like him taking care of Billy.

              “Heather, then. Well, he may or may not be able to walk. I don’t think he will be paralyzed permanently, but more than likely he will have to endure physical therapy. When we went in to remove the bullet, we had to cut through muscle and tissue, damaging nerves and vessels in the process. You can expect some weakness and not a lot of cooperation for that leg to work as well as the other, but it’s not impossible for him to regain full and complete mobility. It’s a waiting game. Anything else?” Dr. Asshole leaned against the wall and folded his arms across his chest, daring me to ask another question that no doubt he’d think was pure dribble.

              “No, that’ll do doctor. Thank you.”

              “Visiting hours are over. You can come back tomorrow at nine.” He walked out the door, taking his smug attitude and fake tan with him.

              “What a jerk!” I exclaimed, jumping up from my chair.

              “I know. I don’t like the guy either, but he’s supposed to be one of the best. We just have to bear with him until Billy gets out. Then we never have to see the douche bag again, okay?”

              Thirteen days. It’d been thirteen days and Billy still hadn’t moved. Not one twitch, not one muscle reflex. He was still unconscious and there was no hope that would change. After the initial surgery to remove the bullet and repair the damaged artery, he continued to remain the same. Even the doctors were whispering and scratching their heads; all wearing the same look of wonder and worry. If they were out of answers what hope did I have?

              I didn’t eat and I barely slept. All I did was count the beeps of the machine and watch as nurse after nurse came in to tend to him. Blake had been gone a few days, but he promised to be here today. All I told him was that I needed to run home, but that wasn’t the truth. I had an appointment with Dr. O’Shea, my obstetrician. I was too tired to be excited and I was too upset to think about the baby. All my focus had been on Billy and getting him well.

              When I stood, horrible cramps doubled me over. They were worse than any I’d experienced before, and I noticed a trickle of blood run down the inside of my legs. I knew what was happening, but I didn’t want to believe it. I was losing Billy, the love of my life, and now I was losing our child.

              Blake busted in the door, panting for breath. “Sorry I’m late,” he huffed. “I got here as fast as I could.”

              “Blake, I’m sorry, but I have to go. I can’t watch him suffer anymore. These machines go berserk constantly, someone’s always in here poking and prodding him, and he’s not getting any better. Even if he pulls through this, I can’t sit around and wait until the next time this happens. And maybe next time he won’t wake up at all!” I was talking in a loud whisper, almost yelling while sobbing at the same time.

              “Heather, you can’t do this to him!” Blake argued. “Do you have any idea how devastated he’ll be when he wakes up? When he needs you the most and he realizes you’re gone? That you just left him? You’ve known all along that this job carried risks! Why now?”

              I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t reveal my secret and worry that Billy would find out. He’d hate me forever. I was a coward and I knew that running away would destroy him, but it wouldn’t destroy him any more than knowing I killed our baby.

             
I jumped in a startle, wiping the drool from my chin. I was momentarily disoriented and then I remembered where I was. I was with Billy, in his truck, heading to God only knows where. I felt his eyes on me and I turned slowly to meet his gaze. He was staring at me with a puzzled look.

              “You alright, angel?” he whispered.

              I hoped I had not been talking in my sleep again. I didn’t want to talk about that night at all, and I sure didn’t want him to relive it.

              “Yeah, I’m fine,” I assured him. “Want me to drive for a while so you can get some shut eye?”

              “Nah, I’m good. Are you hungry?”

              “A little,” I shrugged. Truthfully I was starving. It had been two days since I’d eaten a real meal.

              “There’s a little stop up here. They should be opening for breakfast soon. We’ll stop and grab a bite to eat and then be on our way.”

              “Okay,” I said, softly. I had very little money; only what Johnny had given me, and the few tips I’d made last night, but I didn’t know how much that was. How was I going to get by? A tear escaped my eye, but I wiped it away quickly, hoping Billy didn’t notice.

              “You need to talk about anything?” he asked. “It’s been quite a night, I know, and if you want to get anything off your chest, well, I’m here for you, angel. You can talk to me.”

              Billy’s voice was sincere and I knew he meant it. I just couldn’t bring myself to burden him any more than I already had.

              “No, I’m okay. But thank you.”

              “Heather, you were crying in your sleep. Don’t hide from me.” Billy reached his hand across the seat and gently rubbed my jean-clad leg.

              “It’s okay. Really. Just all of this is hitting me at once, I guess. Where are we going anyway?”

              “My home in Montana.”

              “Oh.” I had forgotten that he had mentioned it years ago.

              “It’s beautiful there this time of year. Perfect weather. I have horses and there’s plenty of room to ride. There’s a pond for swimming. It’s a small little town, but the people are nice. I’ve got some friends who are excited to meet you.”

              I glanced at him nervously. He’d talked about me?

              “Don’t worry. They’re good people and they’ll love you. You’ll see.”

              This was a one-eighty from just hours ago. He was talking as if his home would be my home; his friends would be my friends. It all sounded so simple and easy, but then what? What would happen after Raul was taken down? We’d just forget everything and I’d leave,
never to lay eyes on him
again
as he’d said earlier? I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t allow myself the pleasure of his company, become part of his life in Montana, and then walk away as if all of it meant nothing. I had to know where we stood. I took a deep breath and gathered what little courage I had.

              “Billy?”

              “Hmm?” he glanced in my direction before turning his eyes back to the road.

              “What exactly do you see happening?”

              “What do you mean,” he asked, puzzled.
I swear, men could be so dense!

              “Well, you mentioned your friends wanting to meet me and all the things there are to do where you live. Are we playing house? Do you expect me to cook and clean to earn my keep? Where will I sleep? How is any of this going to work? Are we friends? Am I a job? Am I supposed to walk away when all of this is said and done, or are we going to be together? How will…..”

              Billy let out a chuckle of disgust and his mood changed instantly.

              “All you women are the same,” he huffed. “Commitment. Always wanting to tie a man down. Can’t this just be enough? Just hang out, meet new people. Why does any of it have to mean anything?”

             
Ouch.
“It doesn’t have to
mean
anything,” I shrugged, feigning indifference. “It was just silly questions. Never mind.” I turned my attention out the window, vowing then and there to never give Billy another piece of me or my heart. All he would ever do was trample it. I needed to remind myself, and apparently often, that he’s not the same man he was all those years ago. And I’m not the same woman either. Too much has happened and you can’t just turn that off and on like a light switch.

              “Look, let’s just try being friends. That way there’s no pressure on either of us. We’ll just act how we’d normally behave. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal.” I could tell he was frustrated with me, and I knew I should let it go. But I couldn’t.

              “Friends? Are you kidding me? We can’t even be civil to one another! And don’t expect me to be a one night stand when you get the urge either. I’m not like the other girls you date!”

              Oh shit! Wrong thing to say. Billy abruptly pulled the truck to the side of the road where it jerked to a stop. He leaned over the seat until he was in my personal space.

              “Let’s get something straight, angel. I can be as civil as the next guy. If you’d get the stick outta your ass you’d see that. I came to save you when I didn’t have to. I came because I
wanted
to. No one makes me do anything I don’t wanna do. I’ve seen you naked, thousands of times. I’ve felt you, skin on skin. I know how you feel, and it’s a thousand times better than anyone I’ve been with before or after you. But I’ve got a line of women at my door and I don’t need
you
to be a screw buddy. You’ll have your own room and I’ll have mine. You can come and go as you please, and I’ll do the same. Deal? We’ll stay out of each other’s way. You don’t have to speak to me and you don’t have to look at me. I don’t expect
anything
from you except for you to drop your bitchy attitude. I did you a favor. Why don’t you try remembering that the next time you want to make up some shit in your mind about who you think I am!?”