Baby Blues and Wedding Shoes (44 page)

With a deep sigh, Marcio let himself
quietly out the door, wheeling the pram out onto the pavement.
Pushing his shoulders back he inhaled the crisp morning air; it
felt great to be out of the flat, to be able to breathe.

My life has become a building condemned
for demolition. The charges have been set and now I have to live
through the interminable pause while I wait for the whole edifice
to crumble to the ground and disappear forever. At least with Mia
it was sudden, there was no warning. I think that was better, less
painful, like ripping off a plaster rather than trying to ease it
off slowly.

The park was busy, as the winter sun
tempted families out to play. That was one of the things he loved
about London. Because so few people had gardens, family life was
lived in the public spaces. Children kicked footballs, fathers
taught their sons and daughters to ride bicycles. Mothers were
gathered in twos and threes, gossiping, while toddlers wrapped
themselves around their legs and played peek-a-boo.

The motion of the pram had rocked James
to sleep, so Marcio decided to find a park bench where he could
continue reading the paper. He parked the twins in the minimal
shelter formed by a low hedge, then sat with the paper open in
front of him, shielding him from any passers-by.

He recognised the voice almost
immediately. Daniel had the kind of voice that carried, suffused
with an air of importance that implied his words were too momentous
to be missed. Marcio bristled.

Helen must have rung him the minute I
left the flat, told him to come over while I was out.

Marcio’s hands clenched on the paper.
He was trying to decide whether to storm back to the flat and
confront them, when some of Daniel’s words seeped through his
rage.

“I’m on the way there now; I’m going to
push her again to marry me. I’m sure she will; I know she is
struggling financially and that bloke she’s seeing is only a
writer. She wants what’s best for the brats and she knows I can
offer that. Besides, I more or less told her I’d sue for custody if
she didn’t agree to come back to me.” There was a pause, while the
person on the other end spoke.

Marcio peered over his paper. Daniel
was walking leisurely through the park, focused on his
conversation. Swiftly folding the paper, Marcio got up, released
the brake on the pram, and followed behind Daniel as close as he
dared.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be the perfect
picture of family bliss by the time the paperwork is signed, I
promise you. Wife, two kids, what more can they want? I’ve put down
a deposit on a house, which thankfully is big enough that I won’t
have to listen to the damn things squalling at all hours.”

Daniel’s voice swept over Marcio,
raising the hairs on his neck as he understood their meaning. He
felt sick, not wanting to hear any more, but eager to find out as
much as he could. Poor Helen.

“I’ve already hired a nanny and a
personal trainer for Helen so she’s back in some decent clothes and
looking more the thing as quickly as possible. You should see her!
Talk about letting herself go. If her hair has seen a brush since
the brats were born you wouldn’t know it.”

Marcio forced himself to remain calm,
to try and think.

Oh, Helen, why didn’t you tell
me?
All the time I thought you were still in love with
Daniel, and he has been holding
that
over you, threatening
to take James and Jasmine away.
The thought horrified him; he
couldn’t begin to imagine how it must have affected Helen.

Could he? Could he really take the
kids? Hells must have been going out of her mind. I have been such
a selfish bastard. I thought it was all about me, it didn’t occur
to me she needed someone to talk to.

The thought made him defensive.
Why
didn’t she talk to me? We could have faced this together. Why did
she block me out, stupid girl?

And then shame turned his blood to ice
as he realised how his own behaviour must have appeared to her. He
thought about her comment the night before, about it all being
harder than he had thought it would be. His distance, his aloofness
must have appeared to her as indifference. What an idiot.

They reached the end of the park.
Marcio couldn’t think what to do. Should he tail Daniel back to the
flat, prevent another meeting between him and Helen? He would do
anything to prevent her experiencing any more pain. Should he
confront him now, make it clear he had heard every word? He was
itching to plant his fist on Daniel’s nose, but he knew that wasn’t
the most sensible option, not least because Daniel was taller and
broader than he was.

What would be best for Helen? She
needed to know the truth, but would she believe it coming from him?
He had hardly made himself trustworthy in her eyes recently.
If
she still harbours feelings for Daniel she will think I’m
interfering. She needs to find out herself, surely, but
how?

Marcio came to a halt, and watched
Daniel’s broad shoulders disappear down the road ahead of him. He
felt impotent.

Chapter
Eighteen

Marcio walked the long way back home, to
allow Daniel time to say what he had to say. It cost him every
ounce of willpower, not to storm back to the flat and have it out
with him. After twenty minutes, he could stand it no longer. The
twins were getting restless, and he told himself that was the
reason he was heading home.

He found Helen curled up on the sofa,
her knees pulled up to her chest, her face almost translucent.

“Daniel’s been here hasn’t he,” he said
gently from the doorway. Helen looked up, her face rigid and
pale.

“It’s okay, you can tell me.” He
crossed the room, leaving the twins in the pram in the hallway.
“Helen, you can tell me anything.”

“Yes, he came to see the babies. He
wasn’t happy that they weren’t here.”

“I’m sorry. Did you know he was coming?
You should have said.”

“No, I didn’t know he was coming.”

She sat silently, and tears began to
seep from her red-rimmed eyes. First one, then another, began their
slow descent down her cheeks. Marcio thought he had never seen
anything so heart-wrenching.

“Helen, please. Talk to me.” He sat on
the sofa, leaving a space between them, not wanting to crowd her.
“Please.”

She turned to look at him, barely
registering his face through the veil of fear that clouded her
eyes. There was no point concealing the truth. Daniel had reminded
Helen that Mike the lawyer was a good friend of his. He’d made it
clear nothing was going to get in his way.

“He wants me to move back in with him,”
was all she said.

“I know.”

As Marcio’s response infiltrated the
fog, Helen turned towards him, her face fierce.

“How? Have you been spying on me too
now, is that it?”

“Helen, stop!” He reached his hands
towards her, but she continued to wrap her arms around her knees.
Dropping his arms in defeat, he stared at a stain on the sofa
between them and said quietly, “Don’t be angry at me. I know Daniel
is threatening to take the babies away. Why didn’t you tell
me?”

She seemed to slump deeper into the
sofa, as if willing herself to become part of it. She stared at the
near-dead flowers on the mantelpiece that Marcio had bought her for
Valentine’s Day two weeks before. At least she could be grateful
Daniel hadn’t insulted them both by doing the same; as if any of
his actions had anything to do with love.

Love. Does Marcio love me? How can
he, when he’s so cold? Why buy me the stupid flowers anyway? What
are they, a farewell gift? How did he know about Daniel? Was he
listening at the door? Well, I don’t need him. I don’t need any of
them. I maybe a god-awful parent to the twins, but I’m still their
mum. They’re
my
children. So Daniel and Marcio can both just
fuck off and leave me alone.

She got up, needing to distance herself
from Marcio; his proximity made her feel weak. She walked towards
the window, pausing at the door to listen for any murmur from the
twins.

She thought about Daniel’s visit, his
threats. He had been so certain of everything, so sure of himself.
Helen couldn’t remember the last time she had been certain about
anything. He’d tried to tell her he still loved her too, as if you
could say that in the same sentence as “I’ll sue for custody” and
not sound like a bloody liar. Now Marcio sounded as if he had all
the answers as well. Well bully for them.

“Helen?”

She looked back at Marcio, still on the
sofa, and the fight drained out of her. His eyes were full of
concern, of love. His darling face, his dishevelled curls and
piercing blue eyes. She couldn’t bear the thought of losing him,
but she knew there was no way he would stay.

Who could love me enough to put up with
the wreck I’ve become?

“Helen?” He whispered again, as if
unwilling to intrude on her thoughts. “Why didn’t you tell me he
was threatening you?”

She turned away, broken.

“You’re going to leave me anyway, what
difference would it make?”

Marcio got up and walked swiftly over
to her, as she stood gazing out the window at the winter dreariness
outside. He reached out a hand to touch her, then let it fall by
his side. She seemed unapproachable. Already lost to him.

She could sense him standing behind
her. Why didn’t he touch her? Was she so repulsive to him now?

“Go.” Her voice was low, muffled
against the window. “You’ll be better off without us.”

Marcio felt as if she had punched
him.

“Don’t say that, don’t
ever
say
that,”

He reached for her again, desperately
wanting to hold and comfort her, to reconnect somehow.

Feeling his hand on her shoulder, Helen
wrapped her arms around herself, and shrugged his hand away.

She sat down at the table, her knees no
longer able to hold her.

“What if he does it?” The hands
clenched on the table turned white at the knuckles. “He has enough
money to hire every lawyer in town. What if he makes out I’m a bad
parent?”

“But you aren’t.” Marcio hunkered down
next to her, resisting the urge to reach for her hands.

“It’ll be my word against his.”

“What about me, don’t I count?”

Helen looked into his face, tight with
tension. She couldn’t think straight. Her mind screamed with lack
of sleep and too many thoughts. All she could see was some social
worker taking her babies while she stood helplessly by and
watched.

“I can’t think about you right
now.”

Marco wondered whether to tell her
about the phone call, but he didn’t see it would make any
difference. Knowing Daniel didn’t really want her and the babies;
that he just needed a family to secure some business deal, would
probably finish her off.

She was right, whatever his motives,
Daniel certainly had the resources to make life difficult for
them.

Marcio crouched on his haunches,
feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do; he had no idea how to
even begin to make it better. Helen was the most precious thing in
his world, and she was suffering, and he couldn’t fix it.

One of the babies began to cry. Helen
rose silently from her chair and headed out of the room. Marcio
watched her retreating form in silence.

Chapter
Nineteen

Helen was running along an endless
corridor listening to the sound of her children screaming. They
were crying and crying and she couldn’t see them, couldn’t find
them anywhere. As she ran faster, her breaths coming in gasps, the
crying became more and more shrill.

Opening her eyes Helen realised she had
fallen asleep while feeding, and the sound she could hear was the
phone ringing. Panicked she looked down; convinced she must have
smothered the babies. Every book on childcare said to never fall
asleep on the sofa with your child. They were both sleeping
peacefully: each had rolled away slightly, and was curled on a
cushion either side of her, as she sat half reclined, feet
outstretched.

Taking a deep breath she reached for
the phone.

“Hello?”

“Helen, darling, you sound awful.
What’s happened, are the twins okay?”

“They’re fine Mum. Do you think I can’t
take care of my own children?” Her voice shook.

“Of course I don’t think that. What’s
wrong?”

“Oh, Mum.” She dissolved into sobs, her
body shaking. Worried she would wake the babies, she sank to the
floor, head in hands.

“Helen, talk to me. Please. What is
it?”

“It’s Daniel. He wants me to move back
in with him. To
marry
him.”

“How preposterous. He must know you
can’t stand him.”

Helen was silent, the words refusing to
come.

“You don’t want him back, do you
darling?” Her mother sounded doubtful, as if the awful thought had
never occurred to her, and now reared its head as a terrible
possibility.

“No!” Helen shouted, louder than she
had intended. Jasmine stirred, but settled back to sleep.

“Then why are you so upset? I don’t
understand.”

“He said,” she gulped. Then, as if the
words were wrenched from her, said, “He’s basically said he will
have the babies taken away from me; that he will tell the
authorities I am an unfit mother, and will file for custody.” The
wracking sobs returned, violent spasms all the more terrible for
their forced silence, as she tried not to wake the twins.

“But he can’t.” Her mother’s voice was
surprisingly calm.

“This is Daniel, Mum; he always gets
his own way.”

“I know generally he does dear, but
this time I’m afraid he’s out of luck. I looked into it, the first
time he contacted you. Daniel can’t take the children because he
has no parental responsibility. You weren’t married when they were
born, you’re not married now, or even living with him. He can try
and maintain that you’re a bad mother, but you aren’t, and no court
in the world would take his word over that of your health visitors,
even if he tries to discredit you. They’ve been to your house; they
know how well you and Marcio care for James and Jasmine. Besides,
when he found out you were pregnant he called off the wedding and
told you to terminate the babies. That doesn’t exactly portray him
as the caring parent.”