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With Haven, it took a little longer—maybe four or five months before she had the full 12 hours down. But we got there, and I added my own twist to Kelly’s schedule: a midnight feeding (right before I went to bed) that would help her sleep through until 7:00 or 8:00 a.m. (The key was to make sure it was at least 4 hours since her last feeding of the day, so it didn’t make her sick—and to keep it very low key; lights off, no talking, just feed, change, back to bed.) Gradually, since she was sleeping less during the day, Haven started eating more—and wanted to go for longer and longer stretches of sleep at night. Of course, we aren’t militant about this. Some nights, it’s closer to 7:30, and when we travel, all bets are off. But we do our best to be as consistent as possible, and it really does work most of the time.

You might feel selfish at first, trying to get your baby on a schedule that lets you have 12 uninterrupted hours to yourself every night—
don’t.
That big chunk of “you time” is actually just a side benefit. Babies and little kids crave routine and stability—plus all of the health benefits that come with eating at regular intervals and getting a good night’s sleep. Babies learn self-soothing more quickly this way, which I think translates to having more confidence and self-reliance as they grow. Both of my girls are pretty independent, and I think a lot of that has to do with our strategy of letting them figure themselves out as much as possible.

Plus a happier, less-sleep-deprived mommy means happier kids, too! I had almost no baby blues with either of my kids, and I think the schedule was a big part of it; it helped me wrap my head around a day and a night. Which is not to knock cosleeping or less scheduled parenting whatsoever—again, this all about figuring out the best approach for you and your baby.

While we’re on the subject of sleep, here are a few important tips, via Dr. Alan Greene, on making sure your baby is sleeping in the safest space possible to reduce her risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

• ALWAYS PLACE YOUR BABY ON HIS OR HER BACK
  on a firm, tight-fitting mattress in a crib that meets current safety standards.
  
• REMOVE PILLOWS, QUILTS, STUFFED TOYS,
  and other soft products from where your baby is sleeping.
  
• CONSIDER A SLEEPER, SLEEP SACK,
  or another alternative to bedding (with no other covering). If you do use a blanket, make sure it reaches only as far as the baby’s chest so her head remains uncovered.
  
• NEVER LET YOUR BABY SLEEP ON A WATER BED, SOFA, SOFT MATTRESS, PILLOW,
  or other soft surface. Some playpens and portable cribs may have soft mattresses, so double-check.
  
• DON’T SMOKE
  during pregnancy or around the baby—exposure to smoking significantly increases a baby’s risk of SIDS.
  
• KEEP THE ROOM TEMPERATURE COMFORTABLE
  for a lightly clothed adult.
  

T
HE ONE THING
I’ve learned for sure about parenthood? That it all flies by faster than you want it to. When I look at Honor, it feels like just yesterday we were bringing home this tiny bundled-up baby from the hospital—and then I blinked and I was planning a mermaid-themed party for her 4th birthday! It’s just the same with Haven. As I write this now, she’s a squishy little sweetheart who drools, smiles, and blows raspberries at us all day long—but by the time this book is published and you’re reading it, she’ll be walking, talking, and who knows what.

Cash and I can’t stop them from growing up (oh, how I wish!), but we can focus on being totally present and do what we can to enjoy each stage as it comes.

O
NE THING
I
KNEW FOR SURE
before I became a mom: I never wanted to be one of those women who look constantly strung out and exhausted, who never have time to change out of their sweatpants (see
Chapter 4: Honest Style
, lovelies!) and spend all their time griping about their husbands and lack of free time. I didn’t even realize it when I first tried it out, but Kelly’s Genius Sleep Schedule saved us from this in a huge way.

With the girls going to bed at 7:00 most nights, Cash and I know we’re going to get a few hours of dedicated grown-up time on a regular basis—to have a glass of wine, see a movie, go to dinner, whatever. At this point, the routine is so ingrained that I can call a babysitter and make a 8:00 p.m. dinner reservation and feel entirely confident that we’ll be at the restaurant on time and stress free. Carving out this alone time is especially important after almost 10 years of being together, too. Of course, we’re often tired after a busy day, and it’s easy to take each other for granted—but the routine reminds us that no, this is our time to be together. Even if all we do is collapse on the couch and watch bad reality TV (which . . . yeah, we do, a lot!), it feels good to be making our together time a priority.

Of course, the girls won’t
always
go to bed at 7 o’clock—I’m pretty sure you can’t convince a teenager to do that—and their daily schedules shift, too. Honor doesn’t take naps anymore (except when we travel); and she has nursery school now. Soon Haven will have her own set of activities. But I plan to always keep meals and bedtimes as consistent as I can—I’m convinced that kids benefit from the structure. It’s what has enabled us to take our girls all over the world—to Japan, Korea, the south of France, Mexico, New York, and so on—because it doesn’t really matter where they are; we stick to the routine and they’re happy. And it helps Cash and me juggle all of our work and other priorities around our two most important priorities, too.

H
AVEN IS
a very laid-back baby and generally happy to hang out with anyone. Honor was a whole other story. Maybe because she was my first baby, or maybe because that’s just Honor, but she had a lot of attitude—and she went through a major phase of screaming if anybody but me or Cash picked her up. If you’re dealing with that kind of clinginess, I feel your pain. It can be super un-fun and stressful. Here’s what worked for me (with some advice from Dr. Greene):

Remember to be present.
When you’re alone with your baby, focus on your baby,
not
on multitasking like crazy around her. Save that for when you can tag team with her dad or someone else.

Make sure she spends time with other people.
This can be so hard, I know—especially if there are tears at every departure. But having her dad or another responsible adult take your child for an hour or so each day will give you a little time to do the things you need to do (without her crying to be picked up) and help her build some resilience to being without you. I put Honor in situations with family and friends from the beginning.

Let her cry sometimes—it’s really okay.
Trust your maternal instincts on this one, because you’re best able to distinguish between real distress and crocodile tears. If you’d rather stop what you’re doing and pick her up, great. Otherwise, do what it takes to proceed with what you’re doing. She will learn both that you love her intensely and that other people have needs, too.

S
OMETIMES
I
HAVE TO STOP
and marvel at how my girls are growing up so differently than I did. We try hard to keep their day-to-day life normal, but there’s no question that they’re growing up with more resources than my parents could offer. This means I’m super conscious of making sure they grow up strong and confident—but not spoiled. A big part of that is knowing how to use praise judiciously. I believe in rewarding hard work and good behavior—not just blindly praising kids for existing. So when I talk to Honor, I try to emphasize how proud I am of specific things she’s done—like helping me cook dinner, being a good friend to a playmate, and practicing her reading during story time. Here are some tips from Dr. Greene on how to praise your kids in ways that will build their self-esteem: