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What does frustrate me is how much pressure parents—especially moms!—are under today. Almost as soon as you announce that you’re expecting, it feels like the entire world wants to know every detail:
Will you have a home birth or deliver in a hospital? Use an epidural or tough it out? Will you breastfeed or use formula? Sleep train or cosleep? Diaper with cloth or disposables? Pacifiers or self-soothing? Wear the baby or use a swing? Attachment parent? French parent? Tiger mom?

Here’s what everyone is really asking:
What kind of mom do you want to be?

And here’s my response: Everyone can back off.

There are no right or wrong answers. It’s important to take all the advice, sift through it, and see what resonates—but at the end of the day, you have to go with your gut. You don’t have to follow any one parenting philosophy or set of rules to a T. It’s perfectly fine to shop around! Be the kind of mom you want to be, and don’t worry about how you’re measuring up to anyone else’s expectations.

Of course, I didn’t get to this confident place as a mom overnight. During my first pregnancy, as you know from the fancy baby detergent story, I was pretty much in panic mode. I did tons of research on every aspect of parenting, especially on how to put together a safe and healthy nursery—and there were definitely times when I went overboard and worried way too much about stuff you just can’t control. Cash and I had some tense moments, like when we received some baby shower gifts made from potentially toxic plastic and I didn’t want to bring them in the house. He thought I had lost my mind. (Okay, I sort of had, but seriously: If you receive something made from a questionable plastic that you really need or love—it
is
a good idea to keep it out on the back porch for a few days until that stinky plastic smell wears off. Let those chemicals off-gas outside, not in your baby’s new nursery!)

But even while that whole preparation process was so daunting, it was also unbelievably empowering. Knowing that we had created a safe and welcoming environment in our house for the new baby made me a lot less terrified to bring her home from the hospital and start figuring out how to be a mom. Nothing will prepare you for parenthood (maybe-baby folks, if you’re waiting to feel “ready” or for “the right time,” there’s no such thing!). But doing my homework on, say, the safest crib mattresses made me realize that I had the skills to tackle all these new challenges: I ask questions—and I’m persistent. That was useful when I was trying to figure out which brand of baby sunscreen to buy, and it’s important when one of the girls has a weird cough or rash and I need to bug the doctor to figure out what’s going on. I do it all from a place of love for my children. Which is why a parent knows better than any book or “expert” what their kid really needs.

This chapter will show you how I put together my daughters’ rooms and prepared for their arrival, babyhood, and first few years. I’ve incorporated plenty of healthy parenting tips from the experts I rely on—my beautiful and loving mom and wonderful pediatricians like Alan Greene, MD; Jay Gordon, MD; and children’s toxicology expert Philip J. Landrigan, MD, the director of the Children’s Environmental Health Center at New York’s Mount Sinai School of Medicine. I also could not have done it without one of my besties, Kelly Sawyer (momma of two), who is the president of the nonprofit Baby2Baby. Kelly and I met when we were pregnant—me with Honor, she with her second daughter, Sawyer. Our husbands were work friends and dragged us along to this dinner . . . both cranky and hormonal that night, we bonded instantly—even though Kelly was still so thin she didn’t look pregnant and I was very pregnant and feeling so fat! And since she already had a two-year-old daughter at home, she became my mom guru as we hit the new-mom circuit of mommy and me classes, playgroups, and the occasional but oh-so-necessary Girls Night Out (GNO).

With the help of these experts, I’m also going to weigh in on a few of those Big Parenting Questions we all have. I’m sharing what worked for me, but that doesn’t mean you need to do the same—every family’s needs are different and special. However, I’ve been able to gather information and make thoughtful choices by hearing how other parents did it.

Figuring out what kind of parent you want to be is an intensely personal decision—and frankly, nobody’s business but yours! But here’s my parenting philosophy, in a nutshell.

B
EING PREGNANT
is this crazy roller coaster of paradoxes—for 10 months, you never quite know if you’ll wake up feeling like the fattest person alive or all glowing fertility goddess; if you’ll be nauseous, achy, and exhausted or weirdly energetic in hyper-nesting mode. Pretty much all you know for sure is that you have to pee. Again.

All that being said, pregnancy was the most incredible experience ever—and the payoffs? Obviously, they are the best. So I’ll take the stretch marks. I’ll take the sagging boobs and the cellulite that’s never going away. But I was also awfully grateful to my mom friends who clued me in to a few things the first time around—and the second time around, there were so many things that felt easier because I’d had a little practice. So here’s a checklist of things that helped me keep my sanity and enjoy every little milestone along the way.

With Honor, I craved citrus like crazy—I could eat two grapefruits in one sitting and was forever snacking on oranges, tangerines, and clementines. With Haven, I had a fierce, insatiable craving for watermelon—I even had dreams about it! The best way to deal with cravings? Go eat whatever it is your body says it needs, especially if it’s fresh and healthy. (Assuming it isn’t anything dangerous or highly processed, of course; if you’re craving super-processed foods, talk to your OB-GYN or midwife about your diet because you might be lacking nutrients.) Don’t question the logic. Your body knows what it’s doing.

With Honor, I took the whole “eating for two” thing a little too literally and let Cash go wild, making half a pack of (nitrate-free) bacon for breakfast every morning and eating tons of dessert every night. It’s a vicious cycle where the more junk you eat, the more you crave. Not only did this result in
waaay
more baby weight than I wanted, but I felt a lot more sluggish and uncomfortable in my own skin. I paid closer attention to portion sizes and eating what my body was truly hungry for during my pregnancy with Haven. I always kept a healthy snack on hand, so I wouldn’t wind up starving and eating crap because it was right in front of me.

You won’t want to, but sticking with even a super-basic exercise program will make you stronger going into the delivery and make it much easier to bounce back afterward. I worked out until seven months when I was pregnant with Honor, but then I stopped dead and it was game over. I gained more than 60 pounds during that pregnancy. This was not easy—it took a full year of major concerted effort to lose the weight. With Haven, I did prenatal yoga and took 30-minute walks throughout my third trimester. Plus I had a 3-year-old running around. Staying more active was a huge benefit. I gained much less and had more energy. I also felt comfortable a lot more quickly. Not everyone struggles to lose baby weight or ride out mood swings—I’m just letting you in on my experience and how I coped.

My chiropractor and yoga teacher were my saviors during my second pregnancy because I had a lot of lower back pain and very tight hips. It’s also important to figure out whom you want on your team for the birth. For Honor, I was induced because my fluids were low and we chose a hospital delivery with a “walking epidural” (so I could feel the contractions and walk to the bathroom if necessary). For Haven, we also had a hospital delivery (this time, I went into labor naturally). Through both pregnancies, Cash and I took hypnobirthing classes, where you learn to relax through guided meditation. This was a great tool before birth, and I still apply some of the techniques we learned when I feel overwhelmed and need to unwind.