Away (21 page)

“Yeah,” he said, finally looking at me. “It’s the only place far enough from the town that you actually feel far away from the world, I like it here.” He grabbed a blanket from the truck, the same blue quilt from his room as he stepped out. I did the same and followed him to the back, watching as he quickly spread the blanket across the bed of the truck before hopping down.

“Give me your hand,” he said, reaching his out for mine. “Let’s take a walk and talk first.” I placed my shaking hand into his. We started walking into the field, the wheat stalks tickling the bare skin in between the boots and my dress.

I followed him, our hands intertwined, as we got further into the field. It didn’t take long for the nerves to take over my whole body. I stopped and let go of his hand. I couldn’t take the silence anymore. “Jason, my heart is racing. I am so nervous right now. I just… I need to tell you what happened, I need you to know the whole story,” I told him.

“I want to know what happened, Cassie, but only if you’re okay with telling me,” he said, his body facing mine.

I wasn’t okay with confessing it, but he had to know. I just feared for what was to come after he heard it. I knew he wouldn’t be so inclined to help me anymore. He would think horrible things about me; I knew this, because I thought them myself.

I took a deep breath and gripped my hands together. “My roommate insisted that I go to a party at her boyfriend’s house. It was a kickoff party for the beginning of the school year. For most like me, it was our last year. I never went out, especially to parties. I wasn’t the college party girl. I had too much to work for and riding on me to be that girl. She begged me, saying her boyfriend had a friend that she wanted me to meet and I needed to get out of the apartment and act like a college student for once. I let her words sink in this time for some reason.”

My shoulders slouched as I looked at Jase. His face held a blank expression I hadn’t seen on him before. I peered down; I couldn’t look at him while I told him the rest.

“It could have been the brunch with my parents. They’d let me know how disappointed they were that I wasn’t graduating a year early. I wasn’t sure, but I think that could have been the straw that broke the camel’s back. My roommate went out, did the college thing on the weekends, and studied hard during the week. We had moved in together our junior year, so I knew her pretty well. She wasn’t the A student I was, but she wasn’t failing by any means either. I said yes to going. She helped me pick a dress out of her closet, and off we went.” My hand covered over my face. I wished, I prayed I could go back and change the course of history. I felt his hand gently pull mine away from my face. I looked up and watched as Jase’s eyes fixed on mine. They pleaded with me to finish.

“I knew too. I knew that it was a bad choice to go, but the devil on my shoulder won, and so I went. I was actually having a lot of fun when we first got there. It wasn’t out of control like I thought it would be. There were a lot of people, but there weren’t people vomiting in the halls and girls dancing on the tables like I was expecting. I was naïve. I had never been to a party before, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I was pleasantly surprised.”

I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch his anymore as I talked about the other guy. My heart wouldn’t let me.

“My roomy introduced me to her boyfriend’s friend, Parker. He was nice. Said all the right things. I could tell he was a ladies’ man and I was very interested. After a couple of hours, the drinks were flowing and the touching was getting more intense. Before I knew it, we were kissing on the couch. We knew exactly what we were doing, and the sad part was, I thought it was what I wanted, Jase. I was having fun. This hot guy who was interested in me was good company. There wasn’t one thing to complain about, except the fact that we moved our make out session to his room upstairs. If I needed Mel more than ever, it would have been to stop me from going upstairs.” I started to feel the stinging pain behind my eyes. The tears were forming.

Jase put his hand on my back and rubbed it gently, not saying a word, but letting me know he was there. That was worth more than anything he could have said.

“When I woke up in his bed the next day, it was like nothing happened. We both got out of bed, said our goodbyes and I had my first walk of shame along with a few other girls. I felt disgusting and I wanted to vomit right there in the house. This was obviously normal for him, as it didn’t faze him when I walked out of his room. The rest of the day, I was useless. I was battling a major hangover and I was feeling more than lonely. All I wanted and needed was for Melanie to be with me. That was my first one-night stand, and I needed someone to tell me it was okay, that things were going to be fine. It wasn’t until the next night before bed that I realized I missed two birth control pills that month. I didn’t think much of it when it happened since I wasn’t having sex. Then, I vaguely recalled our conversation right before we had sex. We didn’t use protection, we both assured the other that we were clean and I told him I was on birth control. It was a night of too many drinks, being in the moment and not thinking clearly. Panicked wasn’t even the right word for what was going through my head after I let the actions of that night settle in even more.”

I began to pace, traipsing over the wheat stalks, flattening them as I made a small path in each direction. I stole a few glances of Jase. He stood in the same spot, still as a statue.

“My roommate came in, saw me terrified, and tried to calm me down, telling me that the odds were low. It’s almost 99% effective and I’d be okay. She reminded me it was only one time, it had happened to her before and she was fine. I let her words sink in and realized it was only one time, what are the odds, and that I did have a good time, I wouldn’t do it again, but I did something because I chose to, not because of my parents. I didn’t think things could go wrong at this point so I started to relax and breathe again. I was so wrong, Jase.”

I stopped pacing and let the tears pour out of me, the sobs now uncontrollable. He snaked his arms around me, pulling me close to him, telling me it would be okay. I wanted to believe him, I really did, and even though he made me feel comforted, my life was still in shambles. I wiped away a few tears, still with plenty left on my face, and tried my best to control the sobs long enough to finish.

“I let the fun, free flying Cassandra take over and I did the dumbest thing I could have. I dropped out of school. I walked into the administration office and withdrew from all of my classes. I hated what I was going to school for, and that party, as silly as it sounds, changed things for me. I realized how much my life wasn’t mine, how much it was what everyone else wanted
but
the most important person living it, me. I didn’t tell my parents I dropped out because they would have gone ballistic Jason. I was scared, but I also felt relief from taking charge of my own life. I called Mel and told her what I did. She was stunned to say the least, but then begged me to come down and see her. I told her I would soon. I had to try and figure out what I wanted to do next. I knew I had to tell my parents, but before I dropped the bomb on them, I needed to come up with a new plan for my life that I was taking back. By the time I figured out a few classes I was going to start taking in the fall for creative writing and journalism, I was hit with another obstacle. I missed my period. It was like taking charge of my life was the worst thing I could have ever done. I was scared, terrified, and alone. I went to the only place I could think of, to see Melanie.”

“And that’s how you ended up here?” he asked.

I nodded my head.

“God, Cassie, I’m so sorry you had to go through that alone,” he said as he continued holding me. “Does Parker know?”

“No, I didn’t want to tell anyone.”

“You need to tell him,” he said, pulling back to look at me. “If I got a girl pregnant, I would want to know.”

“Yeah, but you’re not like most guys Jase. You’d actually stick around to help. Guys like Parker have their whole lives already planned out. They wouldn’t even be a part of a kid’s life; they would just write a check and wash their hands of the rest.”

“Cassie.” His eyes were steady on mine, as he looked overly concerned.

“Yes.”

“Promise me that you’ll tell him.”

“Jase,” I said, trying to get the strength to tell him why telling Parker wasn’t in the plans. “I don’t plan on keeping this baby.” I looked down at my stomach as I said baby.

“What?” he asked, his brows furrowed.

“I can’t. I’m not ready to be a mom.”

“What do you plan on doing then?”

“I haven’t decided yet. I’ve thought about abortion, but I’ve also thought about adoption,” And the tears were back, raining down hard. It broke my heart that I felt this way, but I couldn’t throw my future away on a one night stand, even though I didn’t even know what my future held for me anymore. “I don’t know what to do, that’s why I was going to see Mel. She was going to help me figure it out.”

He looked down at the wheat between our legs, shuffling his boots in it. I knew the wheels were turning in his head. I could only imagine the horrendous things he was thinking of me for what I did, for what I had to do, for who I was becoming.

“Should I pack and go to the motel now?” I asked, saying what I knew he was probably thinking. I was relieved that he finally knew why I was running, but scared shitless I was going to lose his friendship or even worse, him.

He looked up, his gaze piercing me. “No way in hell would I ask you to leave.”

“I don’t make you want to run the other way?” I asked shocked.

“Not even close.”

“Why? Because honestly I want to run in the other direction from myself,” I admitted.

“I saw it in your eyes when they wanted to take you to the hospital and then when I saw you again lying in your bed in the ER. I knew you had more going on and you were scared. I knew the look all too well because I had it once myself. I wanted to help you; I felt this instant connection to you. I can’t explain it, and it sounds cliché but.” He paused and let out a deep sigh before continuing, “But maybe you got lost for a reason.”

I felt an ounce of weight being lifted off my shoulders as his words escaped him, hearing from him what I thought about myself. “I think about that too. That maybe, getting lost was all part of this master plan for my life and that I got lost for a reason.”

I took a deep breath and searched his face. I was waiting for him to respond but he didn’t. He wasn’t going to bring it up, so I would have to just ask him.

“Why did you have the look in your eyes? Why were you scared?”

He closed his eyes for a split second, his Adam’s apple moving as he gulped. “Some stuff happened years ago and I just remember being scared, not knowing what was going to happen in the future. But as I got older, I just learned to let things go and go with the flow.”

“What are you hiding? What’s going on?” I asked him, my heart pumping harder, needing to know what happened.

“You’ll just have to trust me, when I’m ready to talk about it I will, but right now all I can think about is you. I don’t know what it is, but you drive me wild inside. You make me want to protect you from everything; even though I know you’re strong enough to take care of yourself. I just want to be with you, letting you know every day how amazing you are, giving you the courage you need to kick back when life tries to throw another hurdle your way.”

He placed his hand against my cheek. I couldn’t help but lean into it, feeling the warmth of his hand against my skin. My heart was racing so fast I thought it was going to beat out of my chest. “I want to kiss you so bad right now.”

Those were the words that I had only dreamed of hearing. “Jase, I would love for you to wrap your arms around me and kiss me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted in a guy. Now you’re here right in front of me telling me you want these things too, but it feels like the timing is just all wrong,” I said with a crack in my voice. I reluctantly pulled my cheek from his hand and stepped back until I was several feet away from him. I put my hand to my chest as I could feel the pain inside aching for him. I couldn’t get close though; I couldn’t let my feelings take over for someone who I knew deserved better.

“If you wait for the right time for anything, it will always be too late,” he said quietly as he motioned with his head for me to walk back to him. “Come here.”

I slowly took in a breath and brought my eyes up to his. They locked me in; they were gleaming as though this was exactly what he wanted. I couldn’t deny it was what I wanted too. My heart was screaming for me to walk faster to him. I took another deep breath as I raced to him, jumping in his arms the second I was in front of him, his arms wrapping around me as I did. I looked into his eyes for only a moment before I felt his soft lips pressed against mine. My whole body went limp as he cradled me against him, feeling for the first time the true notion of being wanted. Not just physically, but that a weight lifted off my shoulders knowing I had Jase with me, holding me tightly.

I felt his grip tighten as his tongue found mine, massaging it tenderly as he held onto me like his life depended on it. He walked us back to his truck and sat me down gently on the bed of it. I kept my legs wrapped tightly around him as he stood in front of me, taking his cowboy hat off and putting it down next to me. I slid my hands back in his hair and wrapped my fingers in the gorgeous wavy hair I had wanted to touch since I saw it. His lips sadly left mine, but only for good reason as he planted his soft kisses down the delicate curve of my neck until he reached my bare shoulder, blanketing my arms and back in goose bumps. I never was more grateful for wearing a strapless dress than I was right now. I turned my neck to see his face as he stopped with his lips still pressed to my skin. My heart was all but pounding out of my chest as his eyes connected with mine. “Cold?” he asked quietly as he lifted his lips up enough to talk.

I shook my head no. “It’s you,” I whispered as my pulse raced. My breathing was becoming even more rapid each second that I watched his lips hovering over my shoulder.