Awakening (14 page)

‘Lesson number one. A dominant is not without flaws. In my case, I sometime wander in thought, but this is not a scene. During a scene, my number one focus is on you and the scene in play. Breaks in concentration are not acceptable and if they occur the scene needs to end.’ She didn’t respond, but seemed to absorb what he was saying. ‘Now, please, repeat what you said.’

‘I asked why you would want to dom me. This seems like a very sudden change on your part and I generally don’t trust sudden changes in anyone’s demeanour.’

‘A reasonable question.’ He hesitated for a moment, eying her defensive posture and closed air. Taking a deep breath, he continued, ‘Claire, in order to even have this conversation you and I need to establish at least one ground rule. OK?’

‘Depends on what it is.’

Damn, but she was stubborn. There were ways to deal with that, though. Evan clamped down ruthlessly on the stirring in his cock at the image of Claire turned over his knee, her naked ass up in the air waiting for a spanking.
Concentrate!
This was not about sex.

‘Honesty. The foundation of any relationship is honesty, but in BDSM it is even more critical because of the potential for physical and emotional harm involved. If you and I are going to have this conversation, there can’t be any dishonesty between us. You may not know the answer to a question and that’s fine, but I need you to tell me what you believe to be true and honest to the best of your ability and I will do the same.’

Her eyes narrowed at him for several seconds before she gave a sharp nod. ‘OK. Agreed.’

‘OK, I’ll start.’ She only raised an eyebrow, but it practically shouted “Duh!”, and he couldn’t help but chuckle, which only drove that eyebrow higher. ‘I have been watching you since you first came into Bibliophile. You screamed fragile. I reacted to that in a way that made me uncomfortable.’

Her eyes went wide but he continued.

‘You see, I haven’t been in any kind of BDSM relationship since my wife died. She was my submissive for ten years and I still love and miss her. Having my dom instincts revived at any level didn’t sit well with me. It’s been the reason for my distance with you. I don’t want to enter into any kind of relationship and I didn’t want to encourage you or lead you on accidentally.’

Claire let out a very inelegant snort, but she didn’t interrupt.

‘I inadvertently overheard a conversation you had with Bridget while I was shelving some books and realised that you might have masochistic tendencies and with the erotica you were reading – but refusing to buy; yes, I noticed, by the way – that you were curious about dominance and submission. I started leaving out books for you to read. I’ve known women like you –’ He held up a hand to forestall any protest.

‘That’s not a judgment; now be still and let me finish.’ He took a deep breath and continued, ‘A lot of women have the same tendencies you do and do exactly what you did, get involved in a very dysfunctional and dangerous situation for all involved. I wanted you to see that you could explore your obvious desire for pain in a controlled environment. When I saw you with your brother, I thought you’d begun to date someone and was concerned about your initiation to BDSM. If it’s done wrong it can do irreparable damage. Given that you’ve indicated you are not actually involved, I’m offering to dom you. To introduce you to BDSM.’

‘You still haven’t explained your recent assholishness with me.’

It was his turn to raise an eyebrow and give her a hard look at the insult, but she didn’t back down. In his military days, he’d had enlisted men cower before him for less. He had to give her credit for her gumption. He’d work on that cheekiness with him too.

‘Assholishness isn’t a word.’

She just shrugged and waited.

He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. She really was stubborn. ‘I was unhappy at the possibility of you being harmed. You bring out all of my protective instincts and I wasn’t prepared for that. In truth, I still find it a bit uncomfortable. The reality, Claire, and this I have to be 100 per cent clear on, is that I am offering to dom you, but not to fuck you.’

She flinched at the crudity but never dropped her eyes.

‘Why do it then?’

‘BDSM doesn’t have to be sexual. There are many partners who practice dominance and submission or other aspects of BDSM play who never have sex. BDSM is an exploration of the sensual in all of its forms, not necessarily the sexual, though for many sex and BDSM go together. This is the offer I’m making. Whether you accept it or not is up to you. You don’t have to answer me right now. You might want to take some time to think about it.’

She gave him a hard look and he could almost see the wheels turning in her mind.

‘No sex?’

‘No sex.’

‘You’ll teach me about BDSM? Initiate me?’

‘Yes.’

‘How would you go about it?’

‘Well, that’s a question that requires a lot more thought than off the top of my head, but at the highest level, we’ll do a lot of talking about your needs, your desires, your cravings, and your pain and other baggage that you’re carrying.’

‘Why that?’

‘I’ll need to know as much about you as possible to make sure I make the right decisions as we go about this.’

She seemed to want to ask more but remained silent.

‘Claire.’ His voice was soft, and she met his eyes. The worried hope he saw in them tore at his heart. ‘You don’t have to give me an answer right now. In truth, I think you shouldn’t. You need to really think this over. Here’s what I want you to do. And this is a suggestion since you have not agreed to be my sub. OK?’

He waited for her to respond. She nodded.

‘Here’s my personal email and cell phone number.’ He pulled out a business card and wrote the necessary info on the back. ‘Call me or email me with any questions. In the meantime, I want you to read this book.’ He pushed
The Story of O
across the chest to her. ‘Think hard about if you really want to go down this path. If you find your answer is yes, then we’ll share a coffee after your next book club meeting and talk. OK?’

Flooded hazel eyes roamed his face as if searching for something. Deception? Sincerity? He wasn’t sure, but he let her look her fill. Finally, she said, ‘OK.’

Evan stood and with a brief, ‘I’ll see myself out,’ he left her loft. If only the image of her freshly showered, wrapped in that delicate robe, looking at him like he might just be the answer to her prayers had stayed on the sofa with her.

Claire pulled her robe closer around her as she stared after Evan. She couldn’t decide if the quivery feeling low in her belly was fear, hope, or arousal. If she were being completely honest, it was most likely equal parts of all three. The idea of Evan, the living embodiment of her fantasies, becoming her dom was more than she could have ever hoped for.

The idea of him doing to her all the things that she read about … She clapped a hand to her breast as her heart raced in anticipation and fear. Could she handle it?

That was the ever-present question. Could she handle it? But did she even truly know what she was getting herself into? No, she didn’t. She guessed this was where the talking and reading would come in. Her eyes strayed to the book on her table. No time like the present.

Grabbing the book and one of the colourful pillows adorning the couch, she tucked it behind her head. With a quick “here, boy”, she called Chester up to snuggle with her and opened the cover.

Chapter Ten – Preparation

C
LAIRE OPENED THE
door to Bibliophile and felt both as if she’d come home and entered an alien abode. Everything was as it always had been. Neat. Tidy. Welcoming and redolent of coffee and chocolate chip cookies. But never had she walked into this store with the knowledge that she would be spending time with Evan when the meeting was done. Or that Evan would be willing to do all manner of things to her to educate her in the ways of BDSM. Her breath hitched as the thought crossed her mind. What would he be like with her after that last conversation? She had no way of knowing whether she was about to get Evan who was willing to dom her or growly, stay away from me Evan.

The last few days had been ones of anticipation. She hadn’t emailed or called him, not feeling comfortable enough to do that yet. She had, however, made a list of questions she wanted to ask him during their chat after the meeting. Claire had no idea how she was going to get through this meeting, but get through it she would. Please, please, please let Jean pick someone else to lead the discussion. As it was, Claire had just finished the book in question, Christine Feehan’s
Deadly Game
, that morning.

Evan stepped out of the stacks as she progressed to the meeting space and smiled at her. Her heart bottomed out at that smile. He’d always avoided any kind of interaction with her. She might get a perfunctory nod from him, but a smile … This was a first and her body was acting as if he’d kissed her – melting and turning liquid – rather than just smiled at her in greeting.

She smiled back, completely forgetting to keep moving until a tap on the shoulder unlocked her body. Turning, she had only a split second to register a welcoming grin before she was enveloped in Bridget’s hug.

‘It’s good to have ya back, darlin’,’ Bridget said after releasing Claire.

‘It’s good to be back,’ Claire said, a grin splitting her face.

They made their way to the back of the store, chatting as they went.

‘I want all the dirt,’ Bridget said as they settled into two adjacent folding chairs.

‘Dirt on what?’ Claire asked in confusion.

Bridget snorted loud enough to draw the attention of some of the other attendees who were assembling quickly.

‘I saw Evan smile at you, hon.’ She dipped her head in a decisive nod. ‘That’s a huge change from Mr I-Barely-Acknowledge-You. So I want to know what happened.’

Claire smiled. She couldn’t help herself. ‘Well, so far there isn’t really a lot to tell, but there might be.’

Whatever Bridget was about to say was forestalled as Jean called the meeting to order, but the look in her eyes told Claire that the conversation wasn’t quite over.

‘Welcome everyone.’ Jean’s cheerful lilt rang out among the assembled members. ‘You’ll notice the lovely Claire has rejoined our ranks.’ She waved a hand in Claire’s direction, and there was a round of murmured welcomes to which she just smiled and nodded. ‘Claire,’ Jean addressed her directly, ‘I’m assuming you read
Deadly Game
?’

‘Yes.’ She smiled brightly, only to have it falter at Jean’s reply.

‘Good then. Take it away.’ Jean’s grin was almost evil. Mentally, Claire groaned, but take it away she did.

‘Be careful and don’t rush into anything.’ Bridget’s words were soft in Claire’s ear as she hugged her.

‘I will. Promise.’ Claire squeezed her back hard before retaking her seat at the back of Bibliophile.

She knew Bridget meant well and, truthfully, she was right. Too many people rushed into BDSM. Especially girls who thought they were submissive. They hooked up with the first man who claimed to be a dominant and willing to show them the ropes in some kind of sub-frenzy. As if the realisation that they were submissive meant it was OK to submit to just anyone.

In one of those ass-backward twists of the universe, Claire’s inherent distrust and scepticism had protected her so far. She’d signed up on Fetlife, the kinky Facebook, and had closed the account down within a month. All she’d gotten was bombarded with so-called doms demanding she engage in some form of online submission with them or meet up with them so she could submit in person. Or, her favourite, she’d received random cock shots from men despite the fact her profile had been very clearly labelled that she only wanted to learn more and be “friends”.

The self-proclaimed doms had given no reasonable rationale for why she should submit to them. It was generally “because I said so”, which only proved to make her even more reticent. The more she waited and lurked in the forums, the more she saw posts about safewords being ignored, or this “dom” or that abusing someone. It had proven to her exactly how careful you had to be in choosing to submit to someone.

Truthfully, she was still taking a risk with Evan. They weren’t even in a traditional relationship. They’d had very little in the way of interaction. All she had was Bridget’s recommendation of him as a person and his own word. She would proceed with caution. Which was exactly why, despite her embarrassment, she’d come clean to Bridget about what she was considering. She also planned to tell Evan that Bridget was aware. She might be volunteering to be the submissive in this relationship, but that didn’t equate to giving up all personal responsibility for herself or common sense. If anything, her responsibility to look out for herself was even greater than it would be normally due to the possible ramifications to her body and psyche. This was not something to be blithely walked into. In fact, Evan was auditioning for his role as dom as much as she was for sub.

‘Claire?’

The sound of her name on Evan’s lips dripped across her skin like honey and she gave a little shiver. She set the magazine she was browsing through down. She was entirely too wound up tonight to read a book.

‘Hi.’ Her own voice came out a bit breathless and whispering. He smiled at her, once again sending little shivers down her spine. She really needed to get a grip on herself. She was responding like a starry-eyed teenager rather than the grounded woman she was.

‘I’m just going to close up and then we can go grab a bite to eat.’

Disappointment flooded her; a bit unreasonably, she supposed. What exactly had she expected? Him to Harry Potter a St Andrew’s Cross in the middle of the store and flog her until she came?

Pulling on a smile, she nodded and said, ‘OK. Sounds good to me.’

Evan gave her a hard look. ‘What was our first ground rule?’

Confusion replaced the disappointment. ‘What? I’m not sure –’

‘In your loft. Our first ground rule. What was it?’ His voice wasn’t harsh or even cold; it was just flat. In some ways, that was worse.