Awakened Desires (50 page)

Elaina fawned over her new, but extremely fragile, niece. “She’s so pretty,” she cried. She knew Claire was dying, and so was little Willow.

“She is,” Nick’s voice cracked. Knowing what was happening, he was crying right along with Elaina. “She looks like Claire, doesn’t she?” Elaina nodded, wiping the tears that were flowing down her face.

Cora, blood all over her, approached Nick and Elaina. The look on her face spoke for itself. “I need to talk to you.” Nick handed Elaina little Willow, and walked with Cora to a corner of the clinic. “I’m just going to be straight. The situation is extremely dire. She is still bleeding profusely and I have no way of stopping it. And the baby…” Cora whimpered. Nick’s eyes flickered to Quinn, who was cutting Willow’s cord.

“They’re both going to…?” Nick couldn’t say it.

“I believe so.” Cora pulled Nick in for a brief, comforting embrace. “I am very sorry. I wish I could have done more for them.”

“No. No,” he cried. “This can’t be real! This is a fucking nightmare. Please, tell me it’s not real!” He grabbed his hair and bellowed out a scream.

“I’m so sorry. I wish I could,” she replied. Then Nick turned away and punched the wall a few times. Cora grabbed him. “I understand you’re very angry and terribly sad, but you need to go be with her before it’s too late.”

Elaina couldn’t believe what she was hearing and walked up to Claire. She was breathing, but it was shallow and weak. Her face was pale and her lips were blue. Her time was coming to an end.

“Claire,” Elaina choked out. “Look…here’s Willow.” She held the baby to Claire in the hopes that she would open her eyes and see her baby one time. “Please, Claire,” she begged. “Look, she’s perfect.” She was watching her best friend, who might as well be her sister, die right in front of her. They had been through so much together.

Henry approached, teary-eyed. He gently touched little Willow’s face. “She’s beautiful,” he whispered.

“Cora doesn’t think she will make it, either. She isn’t pinking up, and we don’t have the proper medical supplies.”

Cora thought for a moment. “Let’s try something,” she said, walking over and taking the baby from Elaina’s reluctant arms. “Take off your top.”

“What? Why? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I’m going to wrap the baby against your skin. She cannot regulate her body temperature yet. This may help.”

“Why me?”

“You are the next best thing.” Elaina looked back at Claire, Nick was laying on her chest, sobbing. She knew she had to be gone. Henry rest his hand on his shoulder, trying to provide any support and comfort he could.

Nick was telling Claire over and over again how sorry he was and how much he loved her. Elaina pulled off her shirt, not caring who saw. She was numb and trembling. Cora snugly wrapped Willow around her with a thin sheet. She was cold and wasn’t moving. She couldn’t even feel her breathing, but she wasn’t willing to let her go yet. Elaina spent several minutes pacing with Willow, stroking her cheek and fussing with her thin, ginger hair.

Elaina thought back to the moment Claire told her she thought she was pregnant and how scared she was. Elaina began to get angry, but not at Claire for getting pregnant or at Nick for getting her pregnant.

Elaina was angry with Gunther. If he didn’t release this virus, Claire and the baby would have been able to get proper medical attention. Rage burned through her.

“Cora?” She rushed to Elaina. “I think she might be gone,” she whispered. She reached her hand in between Willow and Elaina’s chest.

Cora’s face was grave when she looked up. “I believe she has passed.”

Tears burned down Elaina’s face. “Can we lay her down with Claire?” Cora unwrapped Willow from Elaina’s body and took her to Nick. Elaina put her shirt back on. She was adjusting her pants and felt the gun snug against the small of her back. Everyone was focused on Nick, Claire, and Willow. Elaina looked out in the hall and saw Gunther, Thomas, Josie, and Cora’s three children.

Elaina stepped out, unnoticed by everyone in the clinic. She stopped and stood in front of Gunther, who was leaning up against the wall. She managed to set her sadness behind her for a moment, but her anger pulsed through her again.

With a quick hand, she pulled out her Sig. Her hand trembled as she held it straight out, aiming directly at Gunther’s head.

“You killed her and her baby. This is your fault,” Elaina gritted out through a clenched jaw.

I didn’t look away from her. It was the truth, and if I had to face my true death, so be it. I hated knowing that, more than likely, they died because of my actions. Josie grabbed the kids, who were crying for Cora, and rushed them further down the hallway and away from the pending doom. Thomas just stood back and watched the scene unfold in front of him. I challenged, “If it makes you feel better, pull the fucking trigger.”

“I’m always up for a good challenge. You are playing with the wrong girl,” she growled. She moistened her dry lips. She must have been imagining my head exploding on the wall because I saw her lurch.

“Pull the trigger,” I challenged her again with a snarl.

“I just might.”

Time for a bit of a mind game. Might as well get at least one more in before death takes me. “What’s stopping you? Do you feel it would be unjustified? You
do
know that Henry was supposed to carry out the orders in the first place, don’t you?”

“Shut up,” she growled.

“I did what I did because I had to. It was my job.”

“You could have changed your mind like he did.”

“Why? So I would be tortured again? So they would tie me up in a chair and beat me until the pain makes me vomit and pass out? So they would force me to turn slowly? So they would grill into my head that I am nothing and no one?”

“Shut up! You did that to him!” she yelled. “You did all those awful things to him!” Her hand shook more as she griped her Sig.

“You tell me which part you would accept after decades of it. I was born solely to fulfill the program. He was taken from the streets.”

“Lie! Try again. He was stolen from his mother! And you are alive, but Claire and Willow are dead!”

Henry stormed out of the clinic, hearing all the commotion. “Elaina…don’t do this.”

Henry’s words infuriated her. “I thought the only reason we traveled here was to kill him! To avenge everyone’s deaths. That was the whole fucking purpose.”

“Listen to me. Killing him is not going to make any of this better or make it go away.”

“He deserves to die!”

Quinn dashed out of the clinic and stepped in the line of fire, protecting me just as I had for her in the past. “Please…please, don’t kill him.”

“Quinn, get back,” I barked. I would snap if she was struck by a bullet that was meant for me.

“No. I won’t let her pull the trigger. She has no reason to shoot me.” Quinn stood her ground and backed into me, trying to guard my body with hers. I couldn’t believe she would put herself in the line of fire for me. “Think about it, Elaina. Gunther and Henry are very much alike. You cannot deny that. They were put through the same abuse. They were treated the same. They live life the same.”

Elaina couldn’t hold back her tears another second. The flood gates opened. Henry grabbed the Sig out of her hand and she fell to her knees, wailing. All the death and despair consumed her. Henry held her tight, rocking her, loving her, comforting her. I turned my head, trying to escape the scene, but I couldn’t.

I couldn’t escape anything.

Henry and Gunther set aside their differences for a few hours and, along with Thomas, went to dig a grave for Claire and Willow. Elaina knew that he couldn’t break up a fight between Henry and Gunther, but he would be able to go running to get help if something happened. Nick was in no frame of mind to even help dig, and neither was Elaina. Cora asked Josie to take care of her kids in the cafeteria while she and Quinn spent some time cleaning up the clinic. They also readied Claire and Willow to be buried.

Nick had spent the night outside the clinic door, sitting on the floor with his face in his hands. Elaina found herself sitting with him off and on throughout the night, unable to sleep. He didn’t say a word, nor did he want any sort of physical comfort. She tried to hug him a few times while she watched the tears stream down his face, but he shoved her away every time.

The clinic’s door creaked open and Cora popped her head out, expectantly looking for Nick. “Uh…Nick?” He turned his head toward her. “We are ready. Do you want to see if they are?”

“You know what?” Quinn said as she appeared from behind Cora. “Let me go out there and check.” She squeezed past Cora and walked down the hall. Nick’s bloodshot, swollen eyes followed her until she disappeared out the door. Elaina saw his hands shaking so she reached out to take one and, for the first time, he accepted what little comfort could come from holding his sister’s hand.

“I can’t do this,” Nick whispered. Elaina had no response because she couldn’t do it, either.

Quinn rounded the corner of the school and headed up to where Henry and I had dug a grave for Claire and the baby. She passed by Thomas, who was leaning up against the brick exterior of the school. I was resting against a tree with a bottle of water in my hand, and Henry sat with his feet dangling in the grave, staring at the pile of dirt on the opposite side.

My body stiffened when Quinn approached Henry. I was ready if Henry tried anything. If he did, he may have found himself in that grave. “Henry?”

“Yeah?” He didn’t even look at Quinn.
Disrespectful fuckface
.

“We are ready. When would you like to proceed?”

He scrubbed his dirty face with his even dirtier hands. In a murmur, he replied, “I want to clean up a bit first. I’ll let you know when I’m ready.”

“Okay. I will let the others know.” Quinn looked up at me and I nodded. She gave me a small smile and headed back toward the school.

When the door opened again, Elaina looked down the hall and saw Quinn walking back inside. She stopped in front of Nick and her. “They’ve finished digging. Henry said he wanted to clean up first before you proceed with the burial.”

“Okay, thank you,” Elaina choked out.

Quinn knelt down and cupped her face in her hand, rubbing her thumb across Elaina’s tear-stained cheek. She recoiled until Quinn spoke, “I am
so very
sorry this happened to them. I wish there was something I could have done.” She nodded, trying not to shatter in front of Nick. Elaina wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. Then she turned to face Nick. Elaina was pretty sure she couldn’t handle listening to her apologize to Nick, as well, but she had to be there to help him through his agony. “Nick…” He looked up at her and the turmoil in his eyes spoke volumes. “Please allow me to give you my deepest condolences. I am
so very
sorry that we couldn’t do anything for your love and your baby. While I’m here, if you want to talk about it, I’m a good listener.” She swallowed hard, as did Nick. “I, too, lost a child. I understand what you’re going through.” More tears trickled down his face in such heavy silence that they could have overpowered an ear-piercing scream.

The outside door swung open and Henry and Thomas came walking in. Quinn stood up as they passed. Seconds later, Gunther came in behind them. Elaina wasn’t in the mood to see or deal with him. She was thankful that he had helped Henry dig Claire and Willow’s grave, but she was still holding him accountable for their deaths. He made a wise choice and stayed down by the door. Quinn headed down to be with him. Elaina heard her murmur a few things to him and they stepped outside. She was hoping they would become ghosts and got the fuck away from her family.

I leaned up against the side of the school, Quinn’s arms wrapped around my neck. I held onto her tightly, not wanting to ever let her go. I let out a few jagged breaths.

She lifted her head from the crook of my neck and looked up at my face. “Did you talk to him at all?” Quinn asked.

“No. We didn’t say two words to one another. He sat down for a while as I continued to dig. I’m pretty sure he was crying.”

“They are a family, like the three of us. I am quite certain he needs to mourn, as well.”

“Yeah, I understand that. It’s just…” I sighed.

“It’s just what?”

“I’m responsible for what has happened and… Christ. How many kids and babies have I killed? Maybe even my own.”

“Please, don’t,” she said as she ran her fingers through my dirty, dust-filled hair.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

I wasn’t sure if she thought I was apologizing once again for my role in what had happened, or apologizing for bringing it up again. I was apologizing for both. We wrapped our arms around one another and held each other until the side door opened again.

Henry, Thomas, and the fragrant bouquet of a bottle of whiskey appeared from around the corner. He trudged right up to Elaina and pulled her to a standing position. She cried into his shoulder as he held her and stroked her hair. He pulled back just enough to look her in the eyes. “Whenever you two are ready. Take your time,” Henry said before kissing her forehead, and he and Thomas headed to the cafeteria. Elaina looked down at Nick.

“I need to see her first,” Nick mumbled as he stood.

He opened the door to the clinic and stood still for a few seconds, staring at the white sheet covering Claire and Willow.

“How are you doing?” Cora asked as Nick stood in silence.

His head snapped in Cora’s direction, but his eyes focused on the stool near her. “I want a few minutes alone with them,” he mumbled. He didn’t even look at Cora, but padded over and pulled up the stool, sitting down next to the cot. Cora snuck out of the room without another word.

Nick decided sitting was impossible and standing was the only option. He lovingly straightened the sheet around Claire, cringing at the stiff, unyielding feel of the fabric under his gentle touch. Starting at her feet, he re-tucked the edge that wasn’t under her heels, moving his hands up to her calves and brushing his palms over the sheet, taking away the lint and dust that dirtied the white material—imperfections that Claire and Willow did not deserve. Then he ran his hands up to her thighs, shutting his eyes, remembering the feel of her smooth skin under his fingertips.

Nick slid his hands further up and slowly moved across the swell of her lower abdomen, where Willow was once protected. He rested both hands over her stomach, thinking about all the time he spent in the same position waiting for a flutter, a kick, a turn…anything.

His eyes traveled up Claire’s body, seeing the outline of Willow laying on her chest and what looked to be her arms folded across the baby. With shaking hands, he continued up their bodies, touching Willow’s spindly legs that curled together on Claire’s abdomen.

He was glad the stool was there or he would’ve hit the floor. A few deep breaths later, he stood up again and rested one of his hands on Claire’s that laid tenderly across Willow’s back.

A sob slipped out of Nick’s throat. He would never hold those hands again, would never see the joy on her face while holding their child. Knowing he would never look into either one of their eyes again was the worst of it.

This was his reality.

There was no longer a Claire to feel next to him in life, and no longer a hope to love and nurture their beautiful baby girl. Nick laid his head on Claire’s hands, unable to control the sobs that taunted and burned his throat. They began to pour from his body.

“Claire…,” he cried in a whisper. “Oh god, I love you so much. I can’t do this life without you. This is so unfair to all of us.” He turned his head to the side to look up at her, deciding he needed to see her face once more before she was gone forever.

With great hesitation, but with ample need, Nick peeled the white sheet back far enough to expose Claire’s upper body. Cora and Quinn had wrapped a portion of another sheet tightly around Claire’s arms so they would always stay folded around the baby, as if she would hold her through their afterlife together. Willow’s little face was turned toward him.

He reached to touch her tiny, delicate cheek, but his fingers shook so badly that he was afraid he would harm her fragile skin. Nick sucked in a breath, curled his fingers under and, with the utmost care, touched her face with the backs of them.

“I’m so sorry, baby girl,” Nick whispered as he touched her cheek. “You have the best momma in the world. She loves you so much. I know she’s going to take care of you until I can see you again.”

Nick held the back of his hand over his mouth, trying to keep in his sobs. Even though Claire was no longer with him physically, he still wanted to be strong for her. He didn’t want to fail her in any way.

He looked up at Claire’s face. So peaceful, so calm, so beautiful. He leaned over her and pressed his lips to her forehead. He tried to pull away, but it proved to be an impossible task. With his throat cut wide open, he sobbed uncontrollably as the heartache just flooded out of him.

Nick never imagined he would lose Claire. He always thought she would lose him. He wasn’t sure if he could move forward without her, but he was damn sure that he didn’t want to.

“Claire…,” he cried again. “Oh god…I can’t do this. I can’t. I love you so much. I love you so much.” With a gentle touch, Nick wrapped his hands around her face and gazed at her with love in his eyes, tears dripping onto her perfect cheeks. “I need you so badly. You are all I have ever needed, all I ever wanted, and now…you’re gone. I wanted to have so much more with you. I wish I had more time. I am so sorry for being such a fool, pushing you aside for all those years. I regret every moment lost, every chance gone, and every missed opportunity with you. I’m so sorry, Claire. I’m so fucking sorry.” He let go of her face and fussed with her hair, tucking it behind her ears and adjusting the curls around her bare shoulders. “You’re so beautiful. Wait for me, baby. I will see you when the time comes, and the three of us will be together again…you, me, and our daughter.”