Awakened Desires (23 page)

I put my hand on Quinn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I said with sincerity. “It wasn’t my intention.”

Quinn turned to me. “It’s okay. I was tired of his cocky attitude. He was an asshat.” Her statement stunned me a bit. That was the first time Quinn really spoke her mind about Gage. I smirked. “I knew he was trouble from the beginning. He was pushing you to your limits. He questioned everything you did, and I could see it coming. You two clashed big time.”

“I could see it coming, as well, but what’s done is done.” I touched Josie’s cheek in a smooth effort to add compassion. “Josie, are you okay with this?” I made sure my voice was even and calm in the hope that she would accept what I did. She nodded into Quinn’s shoulder. “I’m sorry if I scared you. I didn’t intend for any of this happen. What do you say about heading back up to the truck and working out a plan?” I was feeling limber and less fatigued.

“Sounds good,” Quinn murmured. Josie turned so Quinn could wrap her arm around her shoulders and they silently walked back together.

I couldn’t take my eyes off of Quinn’s backside. I was determined that, someday, I would stake my claim. That arse would be mine.

After searching numerous abandoned vehicles, Quinn and Josie found a lot of water, food—mostly snack items—clothing, and medical supplies. I had been able to siphon enough gas to fill the truck up, then we started pushing vehicles off the side of the road so we could get through.

While I was driving back to the house, I growled to myself. I kept thinking about what a clusterfuck everything had turned out to be. Not that living life the way I did wasn’t a clusterfuck to begin with, but I never imagined it would go as far as it had. I wasn’t prepared as much as I thought I was.

Fucking Roger and his bloody fucking program.

“You okay?” Quinn seemed worried. I looked over at her and then turned back to watch the road while I was driving. We never knew what was going to stagger out in front of us.

“I don’t know. It is a lot to deal with…the responsibility, that is.”
Christ, said too much, Erikkson!

“Responsibility for what? You can’t blame yourself for what happened.”

Bloody hell…if she only knew. I sat in silence for a moment, trying to hold in my emotions. The guilt from my involvement in the situation was feeling overwhelming. There was no way I could tell Quinn and Josie the truth.

As much as I didn’t need it to happen, I had grown to care for Quinn and I knew if she found out the truth, she would try to kill me. At the very least, she would run with Josie, and I knew that would be a death sentence for both of them. I couldn’t do that to anyone else.

At that moment, I realized I regretted following orders. I never thought I would feel that way. Quinn was eyeing me, and I was shattering.

She reached out and touched my arm. Just as quickly as she touched me, she pulled her hand back. “Why are you always so cold? Are you sick? You want me to drive so you can rest?”

“No and no. I’m just cold. Have been for years. Like I said before, poor circulation.” Oh god, I wanted to tell her the truth. I was fucking cracking. My hands gripped the steering wheel.

“What’s going on? This is the first time I have seen any weakness from you…besides that night you woke up screaming.” I glanced in the rearview mirror. Josie sat quietly in the back seat, listening to the conversation, obviously trying to absorb all that was being said.

“I just need to stop thinking.” We continued down the highway toward a turn-around. There wasn’t too much blocking us since there wasn’t another ramp for miles. “I’m going to take this U-turn up here so we can head back to our camp. We need to make plans about heading north.”

“Why is it so important for you to find this Henry person? Is he family or something? And, honestly, I think it would take months to get to wherever he may be, if he is even where you say he is supposed to be. And I have no idea where he was before!”

Quinn seemed a little panicky. If the person who is leading can’t keep it together, maybe it’s time for everyone else to start falling apart. I needed to get tight…for her. I hadn’t fully convinced my mind that I didn’t have the luxury of unraveling.

Breathe and focus
. “We’re connected in more ways than one, and it’s important I get to him.”

Nothing else was said the entire drive back to the home camp.

It felt like it had been too long since Gage’s timely death because the physical pain I was experiencing was becoming overwhelming once again. My spine ached. Every time I turned just so, I would hiss.

Josie had already gone to bed. I was peering out the side window in the living room, wondering when I was going to get my next fix, all the while trying to stretch out my back. In my head, I began to toss around the idea of telling Quinn about my diminishing predicament. I had run out of options.

“Gunther, are you all right?” I turned around. Quinn was standing a short distance behind me. I inhaled sharply, admiring how beautiful her body looked in the dimness of the candlelight. The shadows and highlights that traveled around her stellar body left me with such dirty, unchaste thoughts.

Fuck me.
“Achy. I’m an old man, you know.” I softly smiled at her.

“Well, if you are an old man, I’m an old woman.”

I walked up to her, one pain-filled step at a time, and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly, and my John Thomas started to act up. I licked my lips, wishing I could taste her.

“Quinn…,” I whispered as I got close to her ear. “You are anything but.” I dragged my lips across her cheek and she swallowed hard. Her swallowing wasn’t the only thing that was hard at that point.

I placed my hand on the small of her back and pulled her as close as I could. I wanted her badly and I knew she felt the same. I could feel it in her body. Every time we touched, it was as if she was melting into me. I nuzzled my face into her neck. She smelled glorious, even in her unkempt state.

I’d take her right there on the couch, against the wall, over the table, the kitchen chair, the counter, anywhere. I’d take her any way I could. Tipping her chin up, our lips were a millimeter apart. She put her hands on my chest and pushed me away.

Jesus Christ, why couldn’t she just surrender to it? I spun around to adjust myself so she wouldn’t see J.T. saluting her. Not that she couldn’t have felt him pressed against her abdomen.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured.

“It’s all right.”

Really, it wasn’t. Turning back around, I sat down on the couch. I pushed my hand through my hair that was freakishly too long for me. I laid my head back on the cushion and hissed. My neck was so stiff.

“Be honest. Are you okay?” She sat down at the opposite end of the couch. She was so far away and I was aching to be near her.

I had no idea what was going on with my feelings, but I wanted her to be mine. I wanted to be honest with her. I wanted to tell Quinn my deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets.

Looking up at her, she slid a little closer as I leaned forward, elbows on my knees. I rubbed my eyes as she rubbed my back with her warm, slight hand. It felt so good that I groaned.

“Talk to me,” she insisted.

“I’m torn up on the inside.” Truth. I begged myself not to get emotional. I begged and pleaded my body to stop. I needed more from her than just fucking.

I needed life from her.

A fresh start.

Acceptance.

“Please. You can talk to me.”

Out of options, I turned and faced her. “What I’m about to say to you is going to scare you, but I
assure
you, I mean no harm.”
Here it goes.
She shifted so she was away from me, telling me that I had already scared her. “I’m not who you think I am. I’m not some heroic man who is merely here coincidentally.” The fear in her eyes was evident, but she worked hard at being stoic.

“Go on.”

I should’ve stopped, but I couldn’t. It was already too late. I had to let it out. “I’ve already frightened you.”

“I can handle it.”

I cleared my throat and got down to it. “I grew up in England. I was raised in a program. Not a program for kids who had no parents, but a program to destroy what we knew before the outbreak. I was trained to fight this virus, hence my knowledge and the reason behind me having so many weapons.”

I searched her face for any sort of emotion or signal. Only her eyes held what she felt…fear. The hard part was yet to come—the truth. I looked away, ashamed.

“Go on,” she coaxed.

“I was verbally and physically abused. Then I did the same to the younger recruits that were ushered into the program. I beat them with my hands.” I looked down at my scarred fists. “I abused them with my words. The same that was done to me.” Oh fuck, I couldn’t back out. I just had to keep going. “I injected them with this undead virus…like I was injected before them.”

The silence was deafening. While admiring the wall in front of me, I rubbed my hands together in front of my mouth. I couldn’t look at her because of the shame I felt for myself and what I had done.

I couldn’t stand it anymore. Through the thick silence, I whispered, “Say something.” I begged for her to feel sympathy instead of telling me to leave. Although, I
would
have left if she said to.

“So you are one of those.”

“Sort of. Obviously, I’m not completely turned. We were injected with a small amount versus the full-blown virus.”

“How does it work?”

“It’s a man-made virus that lives in my brain, feeding on my blood. If I run low on clean blood, I start to turn. One sure sign is achy joints and muscles. My eyes turn gray. Eventually, if I don’t drink clean blood, I will turn.”

“Are you being for real, or is this another one of your jokes?”

I whipped my head around to her. That pissed me off. Why on Earth would she think that I would be joking about something as serious as being half-
fucking
-dead? “Does it look like I’m fucking joking?” I bit out at her.

“Keep your voice down,” she bit back.

I pulled a small flashlight out of my pocket and showed her my eyes. She gasped. “Gray, yes?”

“Yes…” She sat silent for a moment. “Are you turning?”

“I will in the next few days if I don’t have any clean blood.”

“Where have you been getting your blood from?”

I turned and looked at her. “Gage was my last fill. After I killed him, I drained him.”

“Holy Christ. Is that why you killed him…just for his blood?”

“No, but it was convenient and I was hurting. Look, I’m ashamed of who I am and what I’ve done. I don’t want to be like this. I… Fuck.” I scrubbed my face and held it in my hands.

She shifted on the couch, moving closer to me. Her warmth seeped into me, filling my body with a feeling of hope. She grabbed my hands and pulled them down off my face just in time to see a tear trickle down my cheek.

I rarely cry. Admitting my true self to Quinn was not only an act of desperation, but I felt like I was being honest for the first time in my godforsaken life. Humiliated, I turned my face away from her.

“Gunther…”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” I fought my emotions, but they were grabbing hold of me and dragging me down into the hole of sickness, need, and desire.

“Gunther…” I got up and she grabbed me by the waist of my jeans, pulling my big arse back down. “Sit. Look at me.” Completely disgusted with myself, I turned to face her, feeling unworthy to even be in the same room as her. “How can I help you?”

“No. No way.”

“Tell me.”

“No. I won’t do it.”

“You saved me. Now it’s my turn to save you. Tell me what I can do to help you.”

It was overwhelming that she wanted to help me, which was something
no one
ever wanted to do. I sagged my shoulders and cried like a fucking baby. It felt so good when she pulled me into her body and held me.

I was such a fucking loser. There I was, six foot five, curled into a five foot six woman, crying like a bloody baby.

“Shh… Just calm down,” she whispered in my ear.

After several minutes of sobbing, I finally started settling down, but only because Quinn was rubbing my back and speaking soft, kind words to me—words no one had ever said to me before.

“I’m sorry. This is very difficult. No one has ever wanted to help me or be kind to me. I’ve done so many terrible things throughout my life. So many unforgivable things.”

“I understand what you are saying, but I cannot help you if you don’t tell me how.” I sat up and she wiped the salty tears off of my face.

“I need blood,” I whispered.

“Okay. How do I give it to you?”

“I can draw a vial. But I absolutely refuse to ask you.”

“You are not asking, I am giving. Take what you need. How often?”

“A vial a day would be best, but…”

“Then that’s what you will get.” I shook my head. “Yes. No arguing. Now, go get what you need to collect a vial.”

“You are fucking amazing. Do you realize how bloody amazing you are?” Before she could move away, I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers.

While she was still in shock, I stood up and went to my room to get my pack. As I turned around to head back to the living room, she was standing in my doorway.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey. I thought maybe we should do it in here.”

Uh…blood rush.
Oh, wait. She was talking about the draw, not sex. Calm down, J.T.
“Right. Yeah, good idea,” I murmured.

I lit a candle and she closed the door, being sure to lock it. Slowly, she made her way to the bed and sat down, looking a little timid. I wanted to be on top of her. I wanted to fuck her brains out, but I wanted it loving. I wanted to give her just a little happiness. I know I could have made her happy…at least in that way.

Quinn looked at all the supplies I was lying out on the bed. Once I pulled off my belt and sat down on the bed next to her. I prepped her arm and pulled a fresh needle out of the package, holding the vial between my lips. She closed her eyes as I promised her that I wouldn’t hurt her.

I tapped on her vein. It was beautiful—perfect and pronounced. My breath hitched as I invaded her vein. I pulled the vial out from between my lips and attached it as gently as I could. “You all right?”

She opened her eyes. “Did you start yet?” Then she looked down. “Oh. I didn’t feel a thing.”

I smiled. “Good. I’ve become quite talented with this.” We stared into each other’s eyes while her blood filled the vial. I looked down and my life was in my hands. “Do you want to watch?” I felt like I was asking her if she wanted to attend a voyeuristic adventure.

“Uh…um…I…,” she stammered.

I unhooked her. “I just drink it, get a little high, and relax. Nothing sketchy. I don’t do a dance. Or go into a trance. Or get in touch with the devil. Or start speaking in tongues. Or grow fangs. Or sparkle…” She smirked at my references.

“Okay,” she murmured.

I failed to mention I get horny as fuck after an ingestion. I would try to keep myself under control, but I couldn’t make any promises.

Sitting back against the headboard, I popped off the vial top, pulled in a deep breath, followed by a sighed exhale. I closed my eyes and tipped the vial back, feeling the warm, salty, metallic fluid flow down my throat. I sagged my head and licked my lips. I took a few deep breaths, then the rush came charging forward.

With a sharp inhale, I laid my head back against the headboard. My breathing slowed, and my spine loosened up. My muscles relaxed and my John Thomas was ready in a snap. When I opened my eyes, Quinn was close to me. I wanted to eat her up, down, and all around until she screamed my name.

“Holy shit,” she whispered. “Your eyes…”

“Green, yes?” My words were breathy.

“Yes.” She sounded amazed and sexy as hell. J.T. was pulsating and looking for a way out of my pants. “I wasn’t sure if you were being truthful, but I guess you were.” I nodded.

Leaning forward, I grabbed her hand and pulled her close. When our lips touched, I swear I felt electricity shoot through us. I greedily held her to me and crammed my tongue in her mouth, possessing her. I groaned as she moaned into my mouth. Her lips were perfection.

I laid her back and settled on top of her, rubbing my hard J.T. against her hip. Her body surged against mine, matching my movements. Feeling her body rock against mine, I let out a huge exhale into her neck. While I kissed my way down to her collarbone, she felt her way around my upper body, from my face to my shoulders to my pecks. I wanted her and my desperation was hanging over us.

“Fuck,” I barked. J.T. was so hard, it hurt. “You’re so beautiful. You are the only woman that has made me lose control.” I ran my hand down her amazing chest to her hip and she stiffened.

Recoil, recoil. Motherfucking recoil!

“Gunther…” I looked up at her. “I can’t. Please.” She squirmed out from under me and got up off the bed. “I’m sorry. I hope you understand.”

I turned over to face her. “You want this as much as I do, Quinn. I can feel it in your body, and you moaned like you were enjoying it.”

“I just… I can’t. I’m sorry.” She looked at me sadly and turned to leave me and J.T. to our own devices.

Goddamn it. Last thing I wanted to do was give myself a fucking hand job, but that was obviously going to be the bloody outcome tonight.

“Goodnight,” she said, barely audible.

“Quinn… Quinn, wait. Please.” She turned back around and I stood up. I thought maybe if I could kiss her again, she would fall into my arms.

I took two hurried steps up to her and pinned her against the wall next to the door. Our lips met, leaving us both breathless.

“I want you,” I said. Then my voice turned rough. “
I need you.
”

“You…you can’t always…have everything you want.” I stroked her cheek with the backs of my fingers while staring deep into her sultry brown eyes.

“Jesus Christ, Quinn. Do you have any idea what you are doing to me?” I ran my hands down to her backside and jacked her body up around my hips. She didn’t protest one bit.

I set her down on the dresser. She was panting, her luscious chest pumping against my hard and defined one. I kissed down her neck and pushed my hands up under her shirt, resting them around her waist. Her smooth skin felt so good under my harsh grip.

“Gunther…please.” She struggled against me. “Please, let me go.”

“Let me have you,” I growled.

I kissed and touched her with wild need and desire. Every time our lips met, she melted into me, then she tried to push us apart. “No…please.” Her voice cracked then her head fell into my neck. “Please…,” she said as she cried. “It’s James. I feel like I’m betraying him.”