Awakened Desires (37 page)

Levi stood, leaning against the railing on the porch stairs. “Well, what do you think? I did provide a service for their family, but I’m a doctor and that’s what I’m supposed to do. I took an oath and it still applies, no matter the state of the world.”

Janny nodded. “Well, I don’t mind helping them out. They
have
provided us with shelter.”

Mitch rolled his eyes. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and chewed his cheek while staring at Gunther’s truck. “You two… I swear. Bunch of fucking do-gooders,” Mitch muttered. “They only allowed us to stay here so you could treat him. They are using you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t feel obligated if the
buffoon
I’m traveling with didn’t shoot him,” Levi growled.

“Fuck off, Levi.”

“Bite your tongue.” Levi pointed at him.

Mitch got in his face. “What are you going to do about it, old man?”

“Mitch…stop.” Eve coaxed, but he let another snarl escape his lips. She grabbed his arm and pulled him to face her. “You need to be a little more respectful.”

“Why should I?”

“Mitch…please.”

He jogged down the dilapidated stairs and turned back to Levi. “I have bigger fish to fry, pops.” He turned on his heels and headed toward Gunther’s truck. He cupped his hands around his eyes and leaned in to check out the interior through the driver’s window.

Reid threw Levi a warning look, noting Mitch’s erratic behavior, and shook his head. “What if he can show us how to use some of the weapons we found? Didn’t they say he was military?” Reid asked, trying to pull Mitch’s attention away from the truck.

“I believe so,” Levi replied, watching Mitch head back toward the stairs.

“That truck looks good,” Mitch said with a smirk. “I wonder how much gas is in it.”

“Don’t even think about it,” Levi warned.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Mitch pushed past everyone and headed back inside, Eve chasing behind him.

Levi shook his head. “I don’t understand his anger sometimes. So, should we ask about the weapons?” Levi looked at everyone.

When they all agreed, they headed back inside.

Mitch burst through the door, fronting his usual tosser look, Eve hot on his tail. If I wasn’t half-gimped, I would tie his arse to a tree outside. Or maybe even have given him the Gage treatment. I wouldn’t miss him a bit. In the program, the disrespect he showed would have gotten his arse tied to a chair, and I would’ve beaten the edge right out of him. I grinned thinking about it. He caught me.

“What the fuck is your issue?”

“Nothing…nothing at all,” I murmured with a smirk.

Time to play some head games, which was one of my specialties. I felt the evil radiate from his body. I thought I was a bad bloke, but I got the feeling Mitch could outrank me in the evil deed department.

“Whatever…,” he grumbled.

When the rest of the crew came back inside, Levi asked, “You said you were military?”

“Yes.”

“Would you be able you train us on the weapons we have? We don’t really have experience with them and we aren’t exactly sure how to use some of them.”

“I can do that. I’m a weapons expert and
have
been eyeing what you have.” My cheek twitched in delight.

Levi said, “Well, I want to give you a couple more days, then you can give us some lessons.” I nodded.

I hoisted my arse up and hobbled back to the bedroom. I was in need of some loving and maybe a nap. With all my injuries, I had been so fucking knackered. Quinn was straightening the bed and our belongings. I eyed her while she was bent over, adjusting the blanket.

“How long are you going to stare at my ass?” She turned and smiled at me.

“Always,” I murmured.

“You need to lie down?”

“Yeah, but I feel a bit bad seeing as you just straightened it all up.”

“Don’t. Get in bed right now.” I quirked a brow at her. “Don’t pull your dominance shit with me when it comes to your health. Now, lie down before I make you.”

“Yes, ma’am, but…”

She sighed and placed her hands on her hips. “Always a ‘but’.”

“And a bloody fine one at that.” I reached behind her and gave her a healthy squeeze.

She slapped my hand. “But what?” The attitude she was trying to push out was rather adorable.

“Lie down with me.”

“No funny business. You need to rest.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

She laughed and I crawled into bed. She followed right behind me and sat up at the headboard so I could rest my head on her lap. She caressed my head and played with my ears while I relaxed.

I had never felt so whole before. Being with Quinn had forever changed me. She made my life worthwhile.

As I drifted in and out of sleep, a quiet knock came from the door. I let out a loud sigh. “Come in,” I grumbled.

The door cracked open. “Is it safe?” Eve asked.

“Of course,” Quinn replied.

“Okay, just checking,” Eve said with a chuckle. Quinn blushed. I’m sure they heard us making love at one point or another. “I was wondering if Quinn would like to go firewood scavenging with Shannon and me. I thought it would be nice to have some girl time.” She smiled.

Quinn looked down at me. “Go ahead. Just keep your gun handy.”

“I will.” I smiled at her, and she leaned down to kiss my forehead before she left me to get a bit of rest on my own.

Eve, Shannon, Quinn, and Josie all put on their boots and warm jackets, then headed out the front door.

While the others were rambling off further into the woods, Eve leaned into Quinn and whispered, “So, Quinn, I have to say, your man is mighty… how should I put it? Delish?”

Quinn smiled. “That he is.”

“You two are so in love. It’s adorable. I wish Mitch was that generous with his love. I know he’s not your favorite person, but he really is a nice guy.”

Quinn shook her head. “I’ve forgiven him for shooting Gunther, but it doesn’t mean I have to like him.”

“I understand.” Eve paused to pick up a branch. “So…did you work before the virus outbreak?”

“No. I was a stay at home m…” Quinn stopped and swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry,” Eve whispered. Quinn nodded with tear-filled eyes, leaning down to pick up a branch. “I used to be a journalist. I was tracking this story.”

“What story?” Quinn asked curiously.

“This. The virus.”

“Really…?” Her voice trailed off.

“Yeah. Through an intelligence official, I heard the government was making a virus, so I was tracking down the claims. I heard they were making it overseas and injecting people with it…like guinea pigs.” Quinn dropped the stack of wood that was in her arms. “What’s wrong?” Eve looked concerned.

Josie saw Quinn drop her bundle and walked up to her. “Everything okay?” she asked with caution.

“Um…yeah. I, ah…I think I need to go back inside.” Josie looked over at Eve, who shrugged. Josie helped Quinn pick up the bundle. Quinn’s hands were shaking.

“Calm down,” Josie whispered. Full of fear, Quinn looked at her face.

“Is everything all right over here?” Janny asked, Shannon hot on her heels.

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s fine. She, uh…just needs to go rest.” Josie ushered Quinn off.

Eve, Shannon, and Janny stood there, looking at one another with confusion. “What happened?” Janny asked.

“I’m not sure,” Eve said, watching Quinn and Josie.

I was stoking the fire, getting ready to sit down, when the shack door burst open and Quinn ran in, frantic. She looked around, seeing that it was just me. “Love? What’s wrong?” Josie pushed through the door right behind her.

“Where’s everyone else?”

“They headed down the road to see if there were any houses further down. Now, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Eve.” She was still out of breath. “She claims to know something.” Quinn was careful to whisper, trying hard not to panic. I grabbed the wood that they had and laid it by the fire to dry out.

“What did she say?”

“She said she was a journalist and she thinks she knows how this all started. She has insider info from some intelligence official.”

I quietly limped around for a moment. “That’s impossible. She probably was on some sort of conspiracy theorists trail or something.”

“What if she
does
know?” Quinn’s voice wobbled and her body language said she was starting to panic. “They will kill you…us!”

“Calm down.” I rubbed her arms. “I can handle it if need be.”

“I don’t know. There are too many of them and they’re fully-armed.” She shuddered. I wondered if the scene of me being beaten on the side of the road was running through her head. Probably.

“It’ll be okay. I’m trained for this, remember?” Quinn shook her head. “Just calm down. I will handle it if anything happens.”

I pulled Quinn into a hug and did my best to comfort her. Once the others came in, I steered her off to the bedroom and spewed a lie about how the memories from her family stirred a little too close to the surface, causing her to have a meltdown. Thankfully, they all understood and not another word was said. From that moment forward, I planned on listening to every conversation I could to try and figure out what Eve knew.

I had lost track of time. I wasn’t sure what day, week, or month it was, but I was enjoying cuddling up with Quinn every night. I had never felt more comfortable with someone in my entire life. I was feeling better physically, as well. I was still sore, but I was dealing with it.

I was lying on the bed with my head in Quinn’s lap, coming down from another mind-numbing high, keeping my eyes closed because my vision was doubling. We were careful only to perform the draws in the bedroom while everyone else was busy. She gave me another half-bag. It was glorious. I only had a few bags left, so I had to use them sparingly. At some point, I needed to find a blood donation center or a hospital.

Quinn was rubbing her hand over my hair that had grown in since it had to be shaved, and Josie was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall and reading a book.

I began thinking about Carly and the baby. I wondered how they fared. I wondered if they were still alive. Then I pictured that little blonde lass on the side of the highway before I found Quinn. I sat up with a gasp.

“What?! What’s wrong?!” Quinn asked. I sat there gasping for air, clutching my chest. “Gun, tell me what’s wrong.” I looked at her face. So caring, so lovely. My hands shook as they reached for her. “Gunther, you’re scaring me.”

My jaw trembled and I knew I had to tell her. It was time to clear out that skeleton. “I need to talk to you,” I croaked out. Fear ran rampant across my face. My breath was caught in my throat and felt as if I couldn’t pull in another. My throat burned, my chest ached, and my stomach was in knots. I felt like I wanted to vomit.

“Josie, can you leave us alone for a few?” Josie jumped up and headed out of the bedroom, softly closing the door the behind her. “Okay, talk to me.”

“You will hate me.”

I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle knowing that Quinn would hate me and want to rid herself of me. I had to get out of there before the shack walls closed in on me. I jumped up off the bed and grabbed my gun and a hoodie, pulled on my boots, and whipped open the door.

“Gunther! Wait…” I heard her leap off the bed. Everyone was looking at me in my panic-ridden state. Ignoring them, I dashed out the front door. I was surely giving Quinn a flashback of when I nearly ate a bullet, but I had to get out of there before I died of asphyxiation. She was yelling for me as I ran off the steps and headed around to the back of the house.

My big boots were pounding on the leaf-covered earth, absorbing every step. She yelled for me again. I stopped in my tracks and fell to my knees.

“Gunther!” I fell onto my hands, but the air didn’t want to go in or out. “Gunther!” I heard her padding up to me. “What’s going on?” She sat down on the ground in front of me.

My fingers dug into the soft, decayed earth, holding on for dear life. I tried to focus, but I was unsuccessful because I was still feeling the after-effects of my high. My stomach was revolting, but I fought desperately to keep it under control because I didn’t want to lose the precious source of life she had just given me.

I lost the fight and vomited.

“Jesus…Gunther!” I lost every bit of what I had in there. “Oh god.” I heard a swarm of footsteps coming up behind us. “Just go. I’ll come get someone if I need them.”

“Are you sure?” Levi asked.

“Yes! Go, please!” Quinn begged. I was on all fours, heaving. I heard the hesitant footsteps heading back toward the shack as I coughed out my last bit of what was in my stomach. Quinn grabbed my shoulders. “Gun, are you okay?” Her voice was so soft and healing against the grain of my sickness.

My eyes traveled up her body and met her beautiful, rich brown eyes. I choked out a sob, then whispered, “I’m so sorry.” She looked at me with confusion. “I’m
so
fucking sorry,” I repeated. I leaned forward and rested my head on her shoulder.

“Come here.” She pulled my big body into hers and there I was, once again, crying like a fucking baby. Through every sob and shudder, she ran her hands up and down my back, murmuring how much she loved and wanted to help me get through whatever it was that made me so upset. I had serious doubts that she would still feel so much love after what I needed to tell her.

I was able to gather myself enough to look into her eyes again. The shame I felt was overwhelming.

“Please…talk to me,” she pleaded, rubbing my ear and softly running her fingers over my cheek. I glanced away, but I knew had to tell her. She deserved to know all of my dirty secrets so she could decide whether or not I was worthy of her love.

“When I was in New York…,” I choked out and let out a few short, quick breaths. “Oh god…”

“Gunther, you have to talk to me. I need you to tell me why you are so upset.”

“I got a woman pregnant,” I whispered and looked up at Quinn, hoping she wouldn’t hate me.

“What?” She stared at me for a moment. “I mean, I heard what you said…” She shook her head.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t forthcoming with you.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I tried to reel in my emotions and let out a loud exhale. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go into the full details about Carly. Just thinking about her made me feel nauseous again. “Did you love her?” she asked.

At that point in my life, with Quinn, I finally understood what true love was. Did I love Carly? No. However, I did have deep feelings for her and I was attached to her for reasons I didn’t understand at the time. It wasn’t love, but I had a strong physical and emotional attraction to her.

“No,” I said weakly.

“How did it happen? I mean… I know
how
it happened. I just…”

I breathed deep a few times, trying to allow my tangled thoughts and words to come together. Then I just let it out, “Her name was Carly. Carly Reede.” That was the first time in a while I had said her name out loud. “She managed the hotel I was staying at while I was…” I covered my face with my disgusting hands.

“I know what you’re getting at. Please continue.” I lowered my hands and tried to read Quinn’s expression. Blank.

“As you know, I was there for a few months.” I sat back on my knees. “My behavior wasn’t the finest it could have been. I was checking into the hotel and I wanted her as soon as I saw her. I took her out to dinner that night and we went back to her flat which, oddly enough, turned out to be the same building Henry lived in…but that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, we had sex and I didn’t use protection. Afterward, I went back to my hotel room.”

“So, pretty much, you were with her that night just to get laid?”

“Yeah, I suppose that was the case.” It was exactly the case and I knew she understood that. I think she was just saying it out loud. “I woke up the next morning, wanting to talk to her because of how things ended the night before. I ran into her at breakfast and, well…we went to her office and had sex without protection again.” Even more shame filled me and I could see the disgust in Quinn’s eyes because I treated Carly terribly. I let out another exhale. “I wasn’t looking for a relationship. She chased me a few times and I avoided her like the plague. Jesus Christ…” I scrubbed my bearded face.

“Go on,” she snipped. I couldn’t tell if she was angry with me, or angry with my behavior. I lay down on the ground and tentatively placed my head in her lap, hoping she would accept me. She didn’t touch me, but allowed me to rest my heavy, thought-filled head across her legs.

“It was near time for everything to go down, but I wanted to see her again before I left town. I approached her and she was very short with me, like she was fiercely angry. Rightfully so, I suppose. We agreed to meet for dinner and that’s when she told me. She was a virgin, Quinn. I know she was telling the truth because I saw the evidence myself after our initial encounter.” I covered my face with my hands.

I felt a rush of emotions coming on again and I couldn’t stop them. My body tensed up and I was seconds from bawling. As much as I tried to hide it from myself, I was finally admitting that I killed my own child.

I rolled on my side, pressing my face against her stomach. “Oh god…,” I croaked out.

“Shh…,” she said quietly. She ran her fingers through my hair and rubbed my shoulder.

“I… Fuck.” My throat burned and it felt like it was closing up. I could barely swallow. I choked out another sob. “I’m sorry,” I whispered with the heat of fire ravaging my throat. I curled up into a ball, my face still pressed into her abdomen, and it happened. A silent cry rendered my body unusable.

“Shh…,” she murmured again. I didn’t deserve comforting. I deserved to be hanged, or shot, or tortured.

“I killed my own child.” When I said the words out loud, I wanted to cut my own tongue out. I thought about the bullet that had my name on it already. “Oh god, Quinn…”

“Shh…,” she said again. She leaned over and gave me even more affection that I didn’t deserve. She whispered in my ear how much she loved me and how it wasn’t me that did those things. She was the most amazing woman on earth. So accepting and forgiving. I wrapped my arms around her waist.

“I’m so undeserving of this, of you…of everything that you’re doing for me. Everything that you’ve
done
for me.”

“Listen to me.” She grabbed my face and made me look into her eyes. “If this ever settles down, you and I will travel to New York to see if we can hunt her down, okay? We will see if she and your child survived. Until then, I don’t want you to beat yourself up over any of it.”

“I was cruel. I could never face them. I’m too much of a pussy.” I turned my face back into her abdomen.

“I’m not pleased with this news. I’m pissed that you didn’t tell me before, and I’m not denying how cruel you were, but I want you to remember that the things you did were because you were under the thumb of a tyrant.” I nodded into her stomach, but I still didn’t feel like I deserved her kindness. I looked up at her and she wiped my face with her sleeve.

“I want to be a father.”
Holy fuck…what did I just say? Did I really want to be a father? Did I want to be responsible for something that couldn’t take care of itself?

She let out a sad sigh and kissed my forehead. “Well, unfortunately, as long as you are with me, that isn’t going to happen.” I nodded again.

If I wanted to be with Quinn, I had to accept I would never be a father. It was probably for the best. The world didn’t need any little Gunther’s running around, especially if they were just like me.

We lay there for a while. She continued to love on me and I tried not to beat myself up over it. It was fucking hard, but with all of her coaxing and love, I eventually calmed down.

“Would you let me shave your head again?”

I looked up at Quinn’s face. “Yeah…sure.”

“You ready to go back in?” I nodded.

When we walked through the door, Shannon and Reid were snuggled up, napping; Levi and Janny were quietly playing cards; and Mitch and Eve were whispering heatedly amongst themselves.

“Hey, Levi? Can I get that razor? I want to cut Gunther’s hair.”

“Of course.” Levi got up and rifled through his bag. When he turned around to hand it to Quinn, I had meandered toward the kitchenette. I heard him whisper, “Is he okay?” Shannon and Reid had sat up on their elbows, listening.

“Yeah. He just had a little emotional moment. He needed some privacy to get it out.”

With a raised brow, Levi said, “I see.” I sat down in the rickety chair and pulled off my shirt, trying to ignore Levi questioning Quinn.

Quinn took the razor and walked over to me. She took her time, taking my hair right down to my scalp. She lovingly swept her hands across my body, ensuring every hair that could possibly make me itch was gone. Her tender touch was so soothing. It was just what I needed after my admission. She knew exactly how to care for me and I was so thankful for that.