Awakened Desires (32 page)

I hung my head while holding myself up above her. The rush ran up my spine, igniting every nerve ending. Burying my face into the pillow again, I let out some seriously intense groans as my seed pulsed into her over and over again. I went limp on top of her, barely able to catch my breath. My body continued to spasm and it hurt like a motherfucker, but I rode it out like a bloody champ. That was the absolute best sex I ever had. Nothing and no one was comparable.

Quinn kissed my ear and I lifted my head up, only to see she was crying. For a moment, I worried she was regretting what we just did or that I hurt her, but then I realized that I was feeling overwhelmed emotionally myself.

I gazed at her face for a moment, gaining the courage, not wanting to miss my chance. I needed to find out. “Is this what it feels like?” I asked, my voice breaking and breathy as my lips trembled at each word that fell free. My eyes filled with tears.

She reached up and held my face. “Yes,” Quinn whispered, then I kissed her in relief.

Oh god. It’s true.
We loved each other. I was feeling everything any man should. “I love you,” I murmured, brushing my lips across hers.

“I love you, too,” she whispered with a soft smile. I stared at her for a few moments, until I felt her squirm under my weight.

“Sorry…” I chuckled and she smiled. It slipped my mind that I had about a hundred pounds on her. After pulling out of her, we rolled over together so we could face one another. I cuddled her as close as possible into my cool, sweat-laden body while she drifted off.

Comfort and relief settled into my mind. I loved her and she loved me. Never in my so-called life would I have imagined a moment like that for myself. I couldn’t believe it, and I was absolutely blown away.

I laid there, experiencing what it felt like to make love for the very first time. It wasn’t just fucking for me, like it had always been. She broke the lock that opened the door to this unknown world for which my heart ached. Jesus Christ, I was in love with the most amazing woman I could have ever met. The circumstances were rather dire, but she was all mine.

I could do nothing but watch Quinn sleep. She was the most magnificent woman on the planet. I stroked her silky hair, her whisker-burned cheek, and the gentle curve of her one exposed shoulder again and again. She was so beautiful. I was enthralled, completely smitten.

My emotions were plowing through me. I covered my face with my free hand, which had begun to shake. My comfort and relief had left, and the guilt was taking over at a rate that rocked me straight to my core. While looking at Quinn in a peaceful slumber, I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down and silently cried to myself.

I felt like a monster—a creature created in a lab. I invaded her life and did unforgivable things to her. But there she was, loving me, and I didn’t fucking deserve a bit of it. My chest ached from the shame, making my heart feel as if it was in a vice.

I wasn’t human. That’s what they told me time and time again. I couldn’t feel normal emotions, and I wasn’t
deserving
of feeling them because I was a monster
.
A sick and demented monster, a no one who was not allowed to feel or live a normal life.

I murdered people. Hundreds of thousands of people. I drank blood for survival. No one was capable of loving a demented individual like me. I carefully pushed myself away from Quinn, trying not to disturb her. She let out a slight moan when I escaped her tight embrace.

I sat on the edge of the bed, needing to get out of there. I needed to rid her of me. She didn’t need me in her life.

No one did.

Standing up to dress, my feelings drew me back to the bed. I turned and faced Quinn. It hit me hard. Oh god…I loved her. I loved her so fucking much, it made my body quake. She was so beautiful and loving. She was accepting and kind. She was everything a man could want in a friend, lover, and wife.

But I was a monster, incapable of giving or accepting love. What I felt couldn’t have possibly been real. I was a prat to believe it was. I fell to my knees on the cold, hard floor, resting my arms and forehead on the edge of the bed. I couldn’t escape the devastation I caused. No one could. It followed me and enveloped me. As long as I was still breathing, it would always be around.

Roger’s voice rang through my head over and over again, telling me I was useless and incapable of anything worthwhile. Telling me I was nothing but a murderer, and was undeserving of a true family. Telling me my only purpose in life was to complete the mission. I tried to cry in silence, but I was unsuccessful, just like with everything else. I knew if I stayed with Quinn, I would fuck up somehow, then I would be alone again.

“Gunther?” I heard her say. Quinn pulled herself to the side of the bed where I was sobbing. “Hey…” She grabbed my cold arms. I yanked them away.

“Please…just leave me the hell alone.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m not good enough for you. I’m a fucking monster.”

“No…no, Gun. You
are
good enough.” She reached out to me.

“Don’t touch me! I’m not worthy of your love, and I don’t deserve what is before me.”

The demons in my head continuously screamed at me. They slapped me, punched me, cut me deeper and deeper each time. I was reliving every beating, every painful memory. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch the wall, I wanted to vomit. My body shook all over. Enough was enough and I needed to run.

“You
are
worthy! Don’t say that.” Quinn sounded panicked and she seemed not to know what to do for me. She had seen me upset before, but not like that.

I was completely broken mentally and having a nervous breakdown. “No, I’m not!” I raged at her. “I’m a fucking monster and you know it!” I stood up rapidly, causing myself to fall into the wall, rattling the entire shack under my weight. I found my clothes in the darkness and pulled them on. Then I picked up my Sig and checked it for ammo, jamming the clip back in.

“Gunther…what are you doing?” I didn’t answer. There was no longer a need to. She was frightened, but I had to do what I had to do. Quinn hopped up, trying to stop me from leaving. I yanked open the bedroom door and stormed out. “Gunther!” She screamed as she pulled on her clothes.

Quinn caught up to me before I went out the front door, and grabbed my arm. “Get away from me! I will bring you nothing but harm! I have only hurt you and will continue to hurt you.” Then I shoved her away with all of my might, causing her to fall to the floor. I ripped open the front door and ran out into the night.

The front door of the shack swung wide open and the chill of the night rushed in. “Gunther!” Quinn screamed as she pulled herself up off of the floor.

Josie sat up from her bedding, wondering what all the commotion was about. “What the fuck is his problem?” she mumbled in frustration.

“I don’t know, but I think he is going to kill himself!” Quinn scrambled, trying to get her shoes on. Josie jumped out of bed. They both grabbed their Sigs and flashlights, and ran outside. Quinn stopped at the bottom of the rotted, wooden steps, listening hard for Gunther or anything else that could be out there in the unfamiliar landscape.

“I don’t…,” Josie began.

“Shhh!” Quinn listened again. She thought she heard crunching leaves behind the shack. “This way,” Quinn urged and took off running, reaching a full sprint in seconds. Josie didn’t like chasing after Gunther in the dark. It was far too dangerous, but she wasn’t about to let Quinn run the distance without her.

“Quinn, we shouldn’t be doing this!” she shouted as she caught up to her.

“I need to stop him. I can’t let him kill himself. Gunther!”

The familiar pop of a gunshot rang out and echoed through the night air. They both stopped dead in their tracks.

“No. Nooooo!” Quinn screamed, her voice carrying in the silence of the night.

She began sprinting in the direction of the gunshot, panning the flashlight all around the area, Josie following close behind. They ran for several minutes before Quinn stopped. “Oh god. No! No!” Quinn yelled. Gunther sat, slumped over at the base of the tree. “Gunther!” she screamed.

Josie stood horrified, afraid to look. Quinn ran to him, fearing what she would see, but she needed to know.

Quinn grabbed my shoulders, her eyes darting around my body, looking for a wound that wasn’t there. Slowly, I looked up at her. I couldn’t believe she chased after me after I was such a bastard, shoving her to the floor like I did.

“You didn’t…?” Quinn said, full of panic. “I thought you were going to…” I pointed off to her right side with my Sig. There was a fresh true dead lying on the ground. “You scared me!” She grabbed me angrily, pulling me into a standing position. I was surprised that she could move my big body, but her adrenaline must have been pumping.

I didn’t speak. I couldn’t.

“You were going to, weren’t you?” I nodded. “What stopped you?” I put my shaking hand over my heart. “See. You are
not
a monster. You can feel, which means you aren’t afraid to feel. Remember what you felt earlier tonight?” I nodded again. “That was real.
It is real
. You aren’t heartless.”

My body shook all over. I couldn’t tell if I was cold or if I was just downright knackered. “I can’t allow you to love me,” I croaked out.

“Yes, I
am
allowed and I do. It is not your choice whether or not I love you. That is
my
choice.”

I grabbed Quinn by the shoulders. “How can you say that? Look at me. Look at me, goddamn it! I’m a fucking monster. Nothing more than a blood drinking, fucking monster!” I let go of Quinn and grabbed my hair, pulling it fiercely, bellowing out a scream.

Josie stepped back, but Quinn stepped right into me. “Gunther, stop! You are going to attract more.”

“Leave me,” I whispered. The gun was still in my hand. Quinn watched it, knowing that I could do myself in at any moment.

“What?”

“I said leave me! You and Josie take the truck…drive west. Don’t go to North Carolina. Go as far west as you can. Take all of the weapons and supplies. Just get the fuck away from me before I bring you more harm.” I was practically spitting in Quinn’s face. If I took her to North Carolina, she would be in more danger.

“No! We are in this together! No matter how hard it is, we are a family!” she yelled back in my face. She was furious with me, but not half as I was with myself.

“I’m not capable of having a family. I am not worthy.” I was repeating the words that were drilled into my head over the years.

“Stop saying that. Yes, you’re capable and worthy. Right, Josie?” She reached out for Josie and waved her to us in an act of desperation. Quinn was going to try anything to get me to listen to her. Josie took a timid step closer. “Josie, tell him.”

“It’s true.” Josie’s voice was soft and weary. “You guys are the only family I have left. I don’t want to lose either one of you.”

“I killed your families. There’s so much death on my hands. I’m undeserving of anyone’s love.”

“Please…stop saying that.” She was completely frustrated with me. “You’re scaring me, and you
are
deserving,” she whimpered.

I couldn’t look into Quinn’s beautiful, loving eyes. She searched for my eyes to lock with hers. She knew that if she could get me to look at her, I would know that what I felt earlier was true.

“Gunther, I need you to listen to me. What they did to you was nothing short of evil. They took an innocent baby and turned him into a man who would do their greedy dealings for them. You don’t have to be that man, Gunther. Look!” She held up my arm where she had cut out the tracking device. “Look. They can’t find you anymore. You
are
your own person.” I ran my rough fingertips down the line that was still bumpy with stitches, then I found Quinn’s eyes. “You walked away. There is nothing stopping you. You can love. I saw it in your eyes tonight and I can see it now. You are hurting deep down inside and I want to help rid you of that pain.”

I hated to admit it, but I was a broken man. Even though she stood strong against me, I felt she wasn’t sure if she could ever put me back together. Frankly, I was doubtful myself. Through her words and touch, Quinn’s heart bled for me. It was an amazing feeling to have someone care about me that much.