Attracting Your Extraordinary Love (4 page)

You have to listen and you have to hear. You
have to look and you have to see, with honest eyes and a heart
that’s working together with your mind.

Get inside his life, so that you may
experience what is and what will be.

Ask real questions and deal with the reality
those answers bring.

Understand him for all that he is and
consider how it makes you feel.

Confront your love – honestly and
courageously –and evaluate upon what it’s based.

Love yourself enough to learn all that can be
learned about your love for him.

If he’s wrong for you, move him out of your
life quickly. If he’s right for you, allow all his beauty to stand
before you in the most pronounced way.

The way to know if he is your love mate is to
know him.

KNOWING YOU TWO

SHORT THOUGHTS

AN EMOTIONAL
ATTRACTION
IS PARAMOUNT

You must feel an inexplicable connection – an
intrinsic, magnetic attraction. It may make you smile or it may
make you cry - but it’s real, and it must be there.

The logical side has to work, but it must be
built upon an indescribable tug of the heart.

THERE HAS TO BE A
PHYSICAL
ATTRACTION, TOO

Physical attraction is a very real and
immovable need in each of us. It should not be discounted.

It is a consideration that is natural and
absolutely acceptable.

Don’t solicit the opinion of others – if you
don’t like his looks – move on. You won’t be able to love him if
you don’t love looking at him.

MISTAKEN EXPECTATIONS
WILL
CAUSE MISTAKES

Don’t make the mistake of looking for someone
just like you. Someone just like you will aggravate your weaknesses
and neutralize your strengths.

Don’t look for your opposite either.

Look for someone who brings with him the
things you lack, the things you need to complete in yourself.

If you are aggressive, he should be docile.
If you are impetuous, he should be careful and steady. If you
struggle to be happy and content, he should be one whose first
reaction is to smile. He should be what you’re not - so that your
love with him will enable you to grow and perfect yourself.

A love mate is not your opposite - nor is he
a reflection of you. A love mate is someone who complements and
completes you.

FOR HIS TO BE HIS AND
YOURS TO BE YOURS

Your interests and his don’t have to be the
same – at all.

To complement him and be his life-building
partner, you should enthusiastically support, take pride in, and
learn from what’s important to him – even though it may be
altogether different than what’s important to you. But that’s
it.

Shared interests are not a condition for
successfully shared lives.

LACK OF 100% TRUST = NO TRUST =
NOTHING

This is not an issue of fidelity. You must be
able to trust him in a more subtle way. You must be able to trust
him with your feelings – your fears, your pain, and your
vulnerabilities. When you give yourself to him emotionally – by
sharing things with him that are serious and personal – you must
believe he will accept all that you offer with sensitivity - and
give with all of himself in return. A minimal breach of trust with
your love mate can create an irreconcilable chasm between you.

If you marry him – and you don’t trust him
completely – you will share your bed, yet you will feel hauntingly
and sadly alone.

CRYING: A DRAMATIC EXPRESSION
OF TRUST

Crying represents a vulnerability that is
beyond anything else. It is extremely revealing.

When you cry in front of someone, you are
breaking through the glass ceiling that is placed over - even the
highest levels of trust.

To ultimately become one, you must be able to
cry before him - and to accept his tears. Don’t be afraid to cry in
front of him, and encourage him to do the same.

TO FEEL PRIDE AND TO BE PROUD

To love him and to have pride in him often
have little to do with one another. Yet they should.

You should be proud to have him on your arm
and to hear him express his thoughts. You should be proud of what
he does for a living and how he spends his private and personal
time.

He should be on a pedestal in your mind and
your heart.

That pride should be obvious in your actions.
Your pride in him should be figurative and practical – feel it,
speak it, and show it.

THE LIST

You will love certain things about him, you
will like certain things about him, and you will dislike certain
things about him. Think about each of those. Make sure your
thoughts are grounded in the long term reality of who he is and
what you have between you, not what you may be feeling at the
moment.

Have the humility to look at all the
beautiful elements of him – the things you love in him – and assess
whether you value them enough. Know that they will become more
pronounced in him through your love.

Objectively consider the things you simply
like in him and move them to the forefront of your thoughts. By
noticing them, you will naturally care more for him, and your
attention will strengthen those things in him as well.

Look honestly and critically at what you
don’t like about him and how those things affect you. Know that he
may grow beyond some and some you may stop noticing. Alternatively,
all might remain a permanent part of him. Can you live with
them?

LISTEN; IT’S YOUR GUT TALKING

You were given this stubbornly honest,
sophisticated, and unrelenting lighthouse of wisdom called your
“gut” – or your intuitive sense. When you’re with the wrong person,
your gut will shout at you – not with words – but with a lack of
energy or a sense of feeling burdened and uninspired, tired and
listless.

There are difficult times between the most
loving of partners, but if you go out night after night and you
feel drained, bored, or a little empty - it’s your intuitive sense
saying: Something is wrong, the relationship is faltering.

A lighthouse will steer you away from the
dangers that are difficult to see – your gut will do the same.
Respect the instinctual feelings that come from inside of you.
Although you may not be able to quantify them in words - listen to
them.

IF YOU CAN’T BE YOU

The most obvious truth can easily slip away.
You may forget so much of what is true to you, because you want so
much to be with him.

If, for any reason you feel that you can’t be
yourself with him – if he makes you feel challenged, on the
defensive, or that you should read a number of books before each
date - there is real reason for concern.

Change and grow for the one you love but
never as a result of self-doubt or the sense that you must fulfill
certain expectations.

TO LEARN TO LOVE

Love is an educating experience. To merit
something as precious as a love mate takes a huge and sustained
effort of educating you about you, him about him, and each of you
about the other.

You have to learn how to give to him, and
learn how to take from him. You have to literally learn how to love
him.

Learning is a time consuming, uneven process.
Expect periods of time where there are questions and no answers.
Understand that questions are education’s best tool.

Take the time and make the effort. Learn as
you’re taught, teach as you learn - there is no better
curriculum.

LOVE’S CHANGING
FACES

At different stages in a relationship, the
“face of love” will change. Love’s face will at times be magical,
sexy and passionate. At other times you will simply feel
comfortable - and love will wear the face of security,
peacefulness, and a belief in the dreams you wish to build.

Allow yourself to grow into the different
stages of love. Don’t be confused by the ever-changing expressions
of love’s face. Those you don’t initially recognize are an
opportunity for you to achieve new levels of love’s expression.

TRUE LOVE MAY ONLY BE BUILT
WITH AN EQUAL

If you think of him as anything less than
absolutely equal to you, your thoughts alone will diminish him in
your mind - and in his own.

The subtle disrespect you feel towards him
will find its way to the surface and will be expressed in how you
interact with him. In the short term, it will not allow him to
shine in all his beauty. As time goes on, it will reduce and damage
him. Ultimately, the love you hope to share will lessen.

By stealing from him, you will have stolen
from the two of you.

THE HUMILITY AND PRIDE FORMULA

Humility allows you to clear away a
judgemental or overly critical approach to him and value him for
everything he is – the wonderful and the less so. Pride doesn’t
allow you to give up what’s important to you.

Do the humility test. If you feel an ongoing
sense of awe towards the world around you, and remain curious to
learn and experience new things, then you’re doing well on the
humility side of life.

If you’re proud of your direction as you live
true to you – irrespective of anyone else’s ability to understand
or value what you’re doing, you have the pride side covered.

When humility is coupled with pride, you have
the framework for building something true and long lasting – within
you and with another.

YOU CAN LOVE MORE
THAN
ONE PERSON PROFOUNDLY

You may fall in love with someone and think
that because you’ve fallen in love with him, he must bethe right
person for you to marry. It’s not necessarily so.

There is deep felt love, and there is
extraordinary love. Both can touch your life – but they’re not the
same.

Someone experiencing deep felt love will feel
a strong emotional and physical attraction – and that will be real.
But this love doesn’t work on paper. Deep felt love won’t provide
for the successful and joyful co-management of the impossible to
anticipate, always complex issues, that will present themselves in
a long term relationship. Love without logic is romantic but will
fail with time.

Your extraordinary lover is the one with whom
you enjoy the emotional and the physical tugs of love, and who has
the character and skills to deal with the mundane challenges and
the difficult ones.

There should be no compromise. Your
extraordinary lover’s heart is yours and the quality of his
character is yours as well. Learn from the deep felt love - enjoy
what it brings into your life, and keep it in a happy place in your
heart. Build your life with the extraordinary love.

YOU DO MARRY HIS
FAMILY

Regardless of what you do or where you live,
his family will always be a part of your life. They will be with
you practically, and they will be with you in terms of who he is.
Therefore: If something is not in his behavior today, but is
evident in his family - it will surface in him over time.

The cliché: “The apple doesn’t fall far from
the tree” is true. If his family has planted the right seeds within
him, they will take root and grow. If there are things about his
family that disturb you, they are unquestionably in him as well. It
is essential that you work to know his family as you have worked to
know him.

The exception: If he is a man of outstanding
character, built with a great level of personal strength and
independence, he may be the apple that rolled a small distance from
the tree.

Understand who your love mate was in his
origins, and you will understand who he will be forever.

RELIGION AND SPIRITUALITY

It’s not a question of religious commitment;
it’s a question of spirituality.

Your religious expression will change and
evolve, as will his. If your level of religious practice is
different from his – but each of you is open and willing to learn
and grow – it will work.

Ultimately, to lead a family successfully,
you must concur on a perspective of observance - but don’t look
away from him based on the extent of his practices today. Rather,
build on the commonalities and shared perspectives – and discount
the differences.

At the beginning and the end of the day, it’s
about spirituality – how he feels about religion, not what he does
at the moment.

LET HIM DO IT FOR YOU

If he is willing to make changes – but he’s
making them for you, and only for you – don’t minimize their value
or reject them. For him to accommodate the one to whom he is
considering dedicating his life is fine and what should be.

If your reason for encouraging the changes is
sincere, he will ultimately embrace them and make them his own.

A person should sacrifice and change for his
forever love. It’s okay - let him do it for you.

JUST YOU

As your relationship intensifies, and as
being together becomes the overwhelming focus of your time, take a
number of days and go away – by yourself. Use those days to
introspect, evaluate, and envision. Review the insights presented
on these pages. Think, dream, imagine – life with him and without
him.

It’s important, at this time, to be by
yourself and consult with the one who knows you best.

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND
JUMP

Finally, if you’re waiting for every question
to be answered and every last piece to fit perfectly - you will end
up alone.

You will never know 100% that he is
right.
You will believe it.
You will feel it.
You will have taken the time to think it through.

Then:
YOU MUST
CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND JUMP!

A leap of faith is a legitimate part of any
serious and significant decision making process.