Atheism For Dummies (For Dummies (Religion & Spirituality)) (88 page)

4. Connect your observations to create a web of understanding.

As you do all this, bit by bit, thread by thread, a more complete picture of religion as a human creation begins to form. It’s really fascinating. You may not be an atheist when you’re done, but you’ll do better on surveys. And you’ll never see the world in quite the same way again.

Becoming religiously literate doesn’t happen in long lectures or sermons. Religious literacy is about thousands of small, everyday moments, and caring enough to weave them together.

Living as an Atheist in a Religious Extended Family

Most atheists and agnostics in the United States and Canada have extended families that are religious to some extent. Sometimes this presents no problem at all. But often the difference in worldviews can produce some real friction.

Some people, atheists and theists alike, wonder what the big deal is:
We have different opinions, so what? You like anchovies on your pizza, but they make me sick. So we order anchovies on half and get on with life! Religion is the same thing.

Whether that conclusion is true depends on what religion means to people. For many, religion isn’t just an opinion or a set of answers — it’s an identity. It doesn’t just describe what they think, it defines who they
are.
So when a family member rejects the family religion, it can feel to others in the family like a rejection of the family itself. I don’t think some atheists recognize the way religion is tied up in identity, and how that complicates family dynamics when one person steps away from that religion.

These sections explore a few of the issues that commonly arise when a member of a religious family becomes an atheist and some ways to reduce the friction around those issues.

Drawing out family religious diversity

“I’m a secular island in a sea of religiosity.” That’s the single most common metaphor I hear from atheists in religious families. The atheist feels completely alone, completely “other” because everyone else seems exactly the same in his or her beliefs. Although the image is a very lonely one, it’s also rarely quite true.

Oh it certainly feels like that as the family gathers around the table at Thanksgiving or Christmas and all heads bow. But even in the most orthodox and extreme religious communities, complete conformity of belief is an illusion. A spectrum of belief and a range of intensity in every group and every family exists, no matter how it appears on the surface.

Suppose my extended family is religious and typical. We’re gathered at the annual family reunion. There’s a lot of praising Jesus and thanking God. Every conversation about society or politics seems to include some reference to religion. There’s a cross on the wall in every room. And why not? It’s my uncle’s house, not mine. I know that everyone but me goes to church once or even twice a week. I am “a secular island in a sea of religiosity.”

Or am I? Yes, Grandma and Grandpa are traditional, Bible reading, God-fearing, grace-saying Southern Baptists, Aunt Gloria pumps her palms to the ceiling and yells “Hallelujah!” ten times a day, and Cousin Dave has the
Left Behind
series in audio and can’t wait until two-thirds of humanity is plunged into the Lake of Fire. But when I scratch that hyper-religious surface a bit, a family spectrum begins to appear:

Gloria’s husband Mike is a deacon at the church, but wasn’t especially religious until they were married.

Uncle Rick hasn’t ever really thought about it, but he goes to church and bows his head at the table, so he looks just as committed as anyone.

Uncle Tim learned about Buddhism in college and thinks that would be cool, but thinks “no way in this family am I gonna be a Buddhist.”

Cousin Hannah has one best friend who is Jewish and another who is Mormon. She considers herself completely Baptist, but she just can’t believe God would send them to hell.

Cousin Kelly has read Sam Harris and thinks he’s on to something.

And good old Aunt Susan is wearing a T-shirt that says, “May the God of Your Choice Bless You” — hardly a Southern Baptist sentiment.

That’s quite a mix. But when the family comes together, they naturally take on the religious intensity and color of the most religious members, so it seems like everyone is on the same page. But even though they’re all lined up in the first pew on Sunday morning, a diversity of opinion and intensity is there. So an atheist is part of a
spectrum
of belief, not an island in a sea of religious sameness. And drawing out that spectrum is one of the healthiest things any family can do to make the full spectrum feel welcome.

Most families
do
religion, but they don’t often talk
about
religion itself. I suggest that any family member wanting to relax the family climate around religious difference should try to make beliefs a more normal topic of discussion. Not pitched debate, just conversation. Bring up an interesting article. Mention that local Hindu temple that’s going up. Or my personal favorite, have everyone take the Belief-o-Matic Quiz (see the nearby sidebar).

Creating a safe space for doubt and difference

When religious people discover they have an atheist among them, they don’t all suffer fainting spells or throw tirades. Many are perfectly secure in their beliefs and happy to make room for diversity among their family and friends.