aterovis_bm_reapthewhirlwind.p65 (10 page)

Derrick glared first at Nikki then at me as if this was somehow my fault. “Yes, Mr. Keegan came in last week with his agent. I’m assuming from your presence here today that we are in fact representing you in this region?”

“Oh for God’s sake, Derrick!” Nikki said in an exasperated tone. “Get that damn stick out of your ass. Will is my neighbor and a friend and yes, we are representing his work.”

Derrick looked pissed for a moment, then spun on the heel of his expensive Italian leather shoe and stormed off in the direction he had come from.

“Sorry about that,” Nikki said with a little sigh. “We should never be working together but those were the terms of Father’s will. We have to run it together for five years at which time one of us can buy the other out if we are so inclined. I think he thought it would force us to get along. So far it hasn’t worked. We have two more years left, assuming we both survive.”

I laughed.

“Come on back to my office. I’ll have you fill out the paperwork, there isn’t much, and then I need to get you to write on the back of each painting.”

“Write what?”

“The title of the piece and any personal comments 84

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about it. Then you write Original Watercolor by Will Keegan.”

I nodded and followed her behind a dividing wall and into her office. It turned out to be just as cluttered as I would have imagined. She shifted a stack of cata-logs onto the floor to clear a space for me to sit and handed me a pen and some forms. While I was filling them out, it was mostly personal information for something called an artist’s bio, Nikki asked, “Can I ask you a personal question? Feel free to tell me to mind my own business.”

I looked up nervously. I didn’t like the way this was sounding, but I said, “Uh—yeah, sure. I guess.”

“Are you and Aidan a couple?”

I blushed. “No!” It came out a little more emphatically than I intended.

“I didn’t mean any offense. As you can see from my art, it wouldn’t bother me. I was just curious. The main reason I asked was that I’m always looking for subjects and I thought you two would be great.”

The very thought of my posing nude with Aidan for Nikki caused my blush to deepen.

Nikki laughed. “You know, not all my art is erotic.”

She handed me a binder with glossy full-sheet photos of her past work. More than half were erotic, often mythical beings in the throes of passion; but the rest were simply beautiful expressions of love and affection, suggestive but not explicitly sexual.

“Think about it and let me know if you change your mind.”

I still didn’t think there was much chance of that happening, but I nodded anyway. “Is Derrick an artist too?”

I asked to change the subject.

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“He thinks so,” she said with a most unlady-like snort.

“His stuff is that modern expressionist crap in the gallery. I wouldn’t have it here if it weren’t for him. Of course he says the same thing about my ‘pornography.’”

She shrugged.

I finished the paperwork, which she took and filed in a folder with my name on it, and we returned to the gallery floor. I wrote the requested information on the back of each painting with a felt tipped marker and after admiring my paintings once more, we shook hands and I left.

It all seemed a little much to believe. In just two weeks my entire life had changed; I had a whole new set of friends, my paintings were hanging in a gallery, I had moved out into my own apartment and I had found out that I might be gay. What next? I wondered. If someone had answered my question at that moment I would have never believed them.

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It was Sunday night and Aidan and I were in the middle of a Daytona USA tournament when the phone rang. It was Joey asking if he could come over. He sounded serious so I quickly agreed. He was at the door in twenty minutes.

“Can we talk somewhere private?” he asked right away, with a meaningful glance in Aidan’s direction.

Thinking about my last serious conversation, I led Joey out onto the fire escape. Once we were settled Joey didn’t waste any time.

“I just thought you should know that there are ru-mors going around campus that Aidan is gay and he’s not done anything to deny them.”

I sat for a moment trying to decide what to say. I wondered why Aidan hadn’t mentioned it. I decided to be honest with Joey.

“He’s probably not denying it because it’s true,” I said finally.

Joey looked stunned. “Oh man, Will, I’m really sorry about getting you into this—wait a minute, you knew this?”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

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“Since the night I moved in.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

“It wasn’t something I just go around telling everyone. It’s Aidan’s life. He only told me because we were going to be living together. He said he wasn’t ready to tell other people and I respected that.”

Joey looked out over the river. After a few minutes of heavy silence I took a deep breath.

“Hey, Joey? As long as we’re getting things out in the open I have something I need to tell you.”

Joey looked over nervously at me, almost as if he knew what was coming and didn’t want to hear it. For a second I thought he was going to get up and leave, but with an almost visible effort, he stayed seated.

“A few weeks ago, when I broke up with Beth, she said something that really upset me.”

“I remember, you wouldn’t tell me about it in the car.

I asked, but you said you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“Right. Part of what she said involved Laura, so I asked her about it.”

“That was when you were down by the river.”

“Yeah. I—well—it upset Laura but she was honest with me and she backed up what Beth had said, then she went on to ask me something that has been bugging me ever since and I finally realized what she was trying to tell me.”

Joey looked away again and I wondered if Laura had talked to him or if he just suspected. Or maybe I was just being overly sensitive and reading things into it that weren’t there. “I thought she looked like she was crying,” he said, “but Laura never cries so I just thought it was reflections off the water.”

“It wasn’t the water, she was crying. Joey, Laura asked 88

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me if I was in love with you.”

“WHAT? I can’t believe Laura would ask something like that! Don’t worry about it, Will. I’ll straighten things out.”

“Joey—”

“I mean that’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard—”

“Joey—”

“She must have lost her fucking mind!”

“JOEY! Listen to me. She’s not crazy; I am in love with you.”

He froze and stared at me wild-eyed.

“Joey?”

He just stared.

“Joey, say something.”

“You’re a fag?”

This was not going well.

“It’s not like that. I don’t even know if I’m gay or not—”

“You don’t know?”

“No, I mean maybe I’m just bi—”

“Just bi?”

“Or maybe it’s nothing. I mean, I know I’m in love with you but that doesn’t mean anything, right? We’re still buds. Hey, it took me two weeks just to admit that.

It’s not like I’m going to hit on you or something…”

“Hit on me?” He stood up and moved to the railing.

I stood up too and moved next to him. He pulled back sharply.

“Joey? I—”

“Look, Will, I don’t know what this is about. I mean we’ve been best friends forever, but I don’t know—this is—I just—if you like guys then you’re not the same guy I’ve known for all these years.”

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“Joey, I’m the same guy I always was. Nothing’s changed.”

“Everything’s changed. Introducing you to Aidan was a huge mistake.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with Aidan. It started a long time before he came on the scene. Laura’s known forever.”

“Well I didn’t know.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Look, Will, I don’t think I can handle this. I don’t know what you want—”

“I don’t want anything.” I reached out toward his arm, but Joey jumped back as if my hand would burn him if it made contact with his skin.

“Don’t touch me!” He shook his head as if to clear it.

“Look, there’s no way I can be friends with a fag. I’m sorry…but I just can’t. So you get yourself straightened out and then let me know, until then, don’t call me.”

“You can’t be serious…”

“I am serious. I’m not gonna be associated with a fag; I have my reputation—”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My head was spinning and a dull roar had begun in my ears so that I almost missed what he said next.

“I mean it, Will, stay away from me. Don’t call me.

Just get help.” He turned to crawl back through the window and without thinking, I grabbed his arm. He shook me off violently and backed up against the rail.

“Don’t touch me!”

“Joey—I’m the same—”

“No, nothing is the same.”

“Joey—”

He spun around, kicked the ladder down to the next floor with a clang, and started climbing down.

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“Joey!” I screamed after him. He didn’t even look up.

He jumped to the ground and started walking away, never once looking back. “Joey—please!” I choked.

“Will?” Aidan called from the window behind me.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay!” I managed before collapsing into a sobbing heap on the metal grill of the fire escape.

Aidan was through the window in a flash and kneel-ing down next to me. He wrapped his arms around me and began to slowly rock back and forth while I sobbed on his shoulder. I somehow managed to tell him what had happened, which only started me crying all the harder. He never said anything, just held me while I cried. Eventually, when I had cried myself out, my seemingly endless flow of tears exhausted along with the rest of me, Aidan pulled me to my feet and helped me back through the window. He led me to the bed and tucked me in, pulling the blankets up to my chin, then sat next to me until I had calmed down. Then, with a light kiss on my forehead, he turned out the light and left the room.

I didn’t go to work the next day; I had Aidan call in sick for me before he went to school. I spent the whole day sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I knew what was happening but just didn’t care anymore. It seemed so hopeless.

By the time Aidan got home from school, my eyes were almost swollen shut from crying on and off all day. He didn’t say anything, just made me a bowl of chicken soup, comfort food he said, and sat next to me on the couch.

When there was no change by Wednesday, he began to get concerned. By Friday, he’d called in the big guns.

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When I saw Laura sweeping in on me I thought I would really get it now, but to her credit she didn’t say I told you so, she didn’t even hint it. She simply wrapped me in a big hug and said it was okay, she understood, but it was time to get back to living.

“Joey will come around. You know he will. It was just a shock; you know how clueless he is. Just give him some time.”

I thought for a minute, then nodded, stood up and walked down the hall to take a shower.

“How come he didn’t listen when I said that?” I heard Aidan wail.

“Sometimes it just takes a woman to do the job right,”

she said smugly.

The rest of the weekend went by slowly. I wouldn’t say I was back to normal but at least I was functioning again. Laura checked in often to see how I was doing. I skipped church yet again; it had been weeks since I’d been, but I just didn’t feel like going. Maybe it was guilt at thinking I might be gay, but whatever it was it wasn’t going over well with Dad. When I went back to work Monday morning, he was waiting in my office. My stomach sank as soon as I saw him.

“Son,” he said, “I need to ask you something.”

I felt my knees buckle so I quickly sat down. “Okay,”

I managed to squeak.

“I received a letter yesterday afternoon, an anonymous letter,” he said and immediately the room began to spin. I gripped the edge of the desk and tried to keep my breathing regular. “It said that you are involved with a homosexual. Is that true?”

I fought the urge to stick my head between my knees.

It seemed like it would be bad form. He laid a letter on 92

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the desk in front of me and I scanned it without touching it.

Dear Rev. Keegan,

I think you should know that your son is gay and he’s in love with another man.

A friend.

Some friend. Should I deny it? An anonymous letter wasn’t exactly proof and I wasn’t even sure myself if I was gay or not. But I was in love with Joey, that much I knew, and I was so sick and tired of lying. Maybe it would be better to just get it out in the open and just let whatever happened happen. I managed to nod.

Dad sighed. “I had hoped it wasn’t true. I didn’t want to believe it even though I’ve suspected it myself a number of times.”

My eyes widened. He’d thought I was gay too? It seemed like everyone had known but me. Why hadn’t anyone ever said anything to me?

“Son, if this is true then we have a decision to make.”

I tried to focus on what he was saying but it suddenly seemed like he was far away and I was listening through a tunnel, watching from a distance. My body was still there, clutching for dear life to the edge of the desk, but the rest of me had withdrawn to a safer place. “If you continue to pursue this lifestyle,” he continued, “then 93

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you will have to be removed from your position here at the church. We just cannot accept that lifestyle.”

From my distant vantage point, I wondered what lifestyle he kept referring to. As far as I knew my lifestyle wasn’t any different then it had always been. And Aidan seemed to have a pretty decent lifestyle from all I had seen. I decided not to ask though, that would require going back.

Dad waited for a moment then stood up. “Will, you are my son and I love you. I will always love you, no matter what. But as the pastor of this church, I cannot accept homosexuality. If that is what you chose I will be very disappointed and as I said, I will be forced to take action.” With that, he turned and walked away, his shoulders bent over as if he were carrying a great weight. I wanted to scream after him that it wasn’t a choice. No one had bothered to ask me if I wanted to fall in love with Joey. No one had asked me if I wanted to be gay!