At Last (11 page)

He let out a sigh, “What you think I ain’t thought about it?  What’s up with all that shit you was talking last night
about wanting to be first in my life?  I’m giving you the chance and you making it hard for me.”

“Durran, it’s not just me.  I have Taylor. She comes first in my life.  And I can’t marry a man who is not going to love her as much as I do.”

He was quiet for a moment, stood up and walked to the back of the room. He took a seat in one of the chairs, leaned and held his head up with his fists to his cheeks.  I guess he needed some space, “What type of man do you think I am?”

“What do you mean?”

“You think that I’m so selfish and coldhearted that I would mistreat a child?  It ain’t her fault that shit went down the way that it did.”

“And it’s mines?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you implied it.”

“I ain’t said shit, but since you pushing a nigga, let me put it out there.  You made the choice to have that nigga’s baby.”

“Yeah, you have a great reason to be bitter. You were out doing your own thing and somebody else was there.” I said growing frustrated. Durran had been looking me dead in the eyes until I said that, “So I was supposed to have an abortion because I knew you’d be back in my life, right? Do you even know what it feels like to have an abortion?”

He didn’t say anything. He just stared off into space.  His eyes had nothing behind them besides regret.

“All you’ve ever known about a damn abortion is how to open your wallet up and pay for one.  And yeah I did have Taylor by someone who might not have been the best guy in the world, but he loved me and her when you weren’t around.”

“I wanted you to have my baby more than anything.  I still do...”  He said as his eyes began to well up.

I didn’t mean to hurt him like that, but it was true.  I wanted the baby too.  But things hadn’t worked out that way.

“So did
I
. But we were too young, Durran.  I was only 17, and ...” I stopped mid-sentence becoming overwhelmed with grief.  It had been a long time since I’d gotten choked up about it.  All of a sudden tears came flooding out of my eyes.

Durran quickly came and sat down next to me. He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me towards him, “It took me a long time to deal with the fact that I was responsible for it.”

I turned to face him, “It wasn’t your fault.”

“Keish, I’m sorry, but you gotta believe me. I’m beyond all the bullshit.” Durran reassured me.

“Taylor is my world.  We are a packaged deal.  There
is
no me without her. And if you’re serious about us, you gotta prove to me that you over this shit about her not being your child.”

He took my hand in his, “Keisha, I love you and despite what you may think, I love Taylor too.  I want us to be a family.  I want to be everything you need me to be.”

I nodded my head desperately wanting to believe everything he was saying.

“Was that your only reservation?”

I wanted to say yes so badly, but I couldn’t.

“No.”

“Then what else?”

“Can you be faithful?  I mean, I’m realistic and we being honest. Some men cheat with a few women, but make it clear they’ll never be ‘wifey’.  Then you have the ones who are the best husbands in the world, but when they
die, a whole different family shows up at the funeral talking ‘bout, ‘He was
a
good man’ and neither woman knew about the other.  Which are you?”

He chuckled at me, “You trippin’, Keish.”

“I’m very serious Durran, which are you?”  I said looking him straight in the eye.

His smile disappeared, “Neither.  I know that I’ve done my dirt in the past, but I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’m ready.”

“I’m fucking serious.  I’m not dealing with that shit in my marriage.” I said sternly.

“I know. I am too.  I understand how I hurt you before, and I’m not gonna put you through that again. I promise.”

I wrestled with the idea for a moment,” I’m tired of running from my love for you.  I have loved you since the first time I laid eyes on you.”

“So what are you saying?” Durran asked with his signature grin.

“I’m saying yes.”

Chapter Nine

“What the hell is this!?” I yelled busting into the studio.  I didn’t give a damn about his “no interruptions when I’m in the studio” rule. There was a condom in my hand, and he was going to tell me why I’d found it-even if I already knew. We hadn’t used condoms since we were teenagers.

I didn’t care about his little “crew” plus Kendra sitting around with them and their whores rolling blunts and drinking liquor. I didn’t care about the little anorexic bitch in the booth singing notes Durran would have to adjust because she couldn’t sing for shit.  The bastard was going to give me an answer. Fuck his rules and his studio. The past few months had been rocky to say the least.  It had been nearly a year since I left my life in Detroit for Atlanta.

To Durran’s credit, he did most of what he said he’d do when we were in Vegas.  Mine and Taylor’s every needs were fulfilled. Whatever we wanted was at our beck and call. I had a closet full of designer clothes, shoes, purses, and fur coats.  My ears, wrist and neck were always covered in jewelry dripped in diamonds.

Anything Taylor’s little heart desired, she got also I eventually had to tell him to stop spending so much. Unfortunately, I think Durran’s idea of not wanting or needing only applied to objects, because Lord knew I wanted and needed more from him as a person. I needed him to spend more time with me. I needed him to sleep in the same bed as me. I needed him to stop acting like he wasn’t cheating on me.

Or maybe I’d gotten it wrong all along. It was about what he wanted and needed-not me. All talk of a marriage had ceased.  He never again brought up the issue and in the rare case it was mentioned at all, I was the one who posed the question.

My inquiries were always dispelled by bullshit excuses. “We don’t need a piece of paper to tell us what we got.  What we got is real.” was a favorite of his.  Then there was the reliable, “What you got that a married women don’t have?” Finally there was the infamous, “Damn,
Keisha, why you stressing me?  You ain’t happy here?  Don’t I take care of you and
your
daughter?”

Taylor had been relegated back to some bastard child who had no name. What a surprise. I couldn’t remember the last time Durran had said her name. It was getting old, and I was getting tired. I spent nights crying myself to sleep trying to avoid what was obvious since Taylor and I moved in-I made a huge mistake.

Everyone in the studio looked at me like I was crazy.  I stood there with my hand on my hip waiting for a response. He didn’t even turn to face me.  He pressed a few buttons on his soundboard and nodded at the girl in the booth.

“Try it again Mama, but sing from your diaphragm-not your throat.”

The singer looked at Durran, at me, then back at Durran, “You sure, D?”

I angrily began to study her ass.
Petite light chocolate girl with shoulder length black hair.
She reminded me of Kendra.

“Just trust me, baby girl. I made millions doing this. Time is money. If you can’t do it, let me know. You’ll save us both
time
.”

“But D-”

“If you feel a certain way about this little girl behind me throwing a temper tantrum, don’t. Ignore her. We don’t deal with dumb shit in the booth, we make hits. Look at the plaques, let’s get you one.”

He didn’t even turn to face me. I felt so damn small.  Everybody in the room snickered.  The singer smiled and nodded her head.

“Daddy gone whip you into shape, trust.”

And just like that, all of his flunkies burst into laughter.  Not once did he acknowledge my presence.  He just
continued with the session like he didn’t care. I stood there waiting. He was going to say something to me or I was gonna end up on this bitch’s track singing background vocals.

He finally turned around, “Close the door on your way out.”

“Close the door? Are you fuckin’ serious?” I asked.

“Keisha, you really wanna embarrass yourself like this? We’ll talk about it later.” He said dismissively.

I’d had it. I wasn’t going to deal with this shit anymore. He wasn’t going to treat me like this anymore. I’d put everything to the side for him. I left my comfort zone to be a part of this bullshit. I left Detroit to be part of some fake ass relationship that he could choose when or when not to be a part of. I looked over at Bryan who was pouring a shot of Grey Goose on a loveseat with some blonde hoodrat sitting on his lap. I walked slowly over towards him.

“Uh…what’s up Keish?” He said trying to suppress his laughter. I grabbed the bottle of Grey Goose, turned to Durran and threw the condom at him.

He angrily threw it back, “What the fuck, Keisha!? Get the fuck out of here!”

I went straight for the soundboard and poured out the bottle all over it. I backed up along with everyone near it as sparks flew. Durran stared at me enraged before finally lunging towards me. Ken hopped in between us and held him back as I took a couple of steps back.

I’d never seen the look that he held deep in his eyes. It was actually funny in a way. Destroy a relationship and it was nothing, but destroy a piece of replaceable equipment and it was the end of the world.

I turned my back to Durran and left the studio. I kept hearing him scream “Fuck you, Keisha” and “Get the fuck out of my house.”  I didn’t care.

             
I made my way upstairs to our bedroom. I stood there trying to make sense of everything as I studied the room. I kept running things over and over in my mind trying to figure out how I had so much and so little at the same time.

I collapsed on top of our California king-sized and cried my eyes out as I heard Durran ushering people out of the door.  It was late, a little after midnight and Taylor was sleep.  I was thankful for that, because she didn’t need to be a part of this.

I wanted to call Missy so badly, but I was hesitant about it. We hadn’t spoken since I’d left for Atlanta.  She didn’t approve of my decision to leave my life in Detroit to begin a new one with Durran. We had a huge fight and hadn’t spoken since.

There wasn’t a day that went by I didn’t think of her or wish that I could just pick up the phone and call her.  Unfortunately, my shame always got the best of me.  I was finally seeing she was right-everything she said about Durran was right.

The day before Taylor and I were scheduled to leave, I was in my house packing up the remainder of my things.  Missy watched me with her hands on her hips.

“You think this is the right thing to do?” She asked.

“What you mean?”  I said as I began to fold sheets and place them in boxes.

“I mean all of this.” She responded quickly. I didn’t give her a response. I just kept packing, “I think it’s a mistake.”

“I know you’re worried and you’re just looking out for me, but Durran’s changed.”

“Changed?”

“Yes,” I said smiling and showing off my five karat engagement ring.

“Come on now Keisha, you can’t be serious?  The ring’s beautiful, but what does it mean? How has he proved to you that this time is going to be different? I just think you’re moving too fast. Marriage isn’t something you rush into. You just got back from Vegas like two weeks ago and now you’re going to uproot your child and your entire life because of Durran’s promises?”

“I love him Missy and this time it’s gonna work.” I said confidently.

She just continued to stand there never lifting a finger to help me pack, “He ain’t worth it. You’re always doing this. You always end up getting into this bullshit.”

“Bullshit?  You act like your life has been perfect?  Yeah, you’ve been there for me through a lot of my drama, but don’t act like I ain’t been there for you too. That’s real fucked up, Missy.  I thought friends were supposed to be there for one another.”

“I’ve always been there for you and no matter what; I’ll always be there for you. I’m just trying to be a friend and tell you right now this ain’t the way.
He not ready for what you want.
I don’t even know if you’re ready.  Don’t get caught up in the bullshit of being lonely and trying to cope with Justin’s death.”

“Melissa, I’m marrying Durran.  I love him and he loves me.  That’s how it’s going to be.  If you can’t handle that, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Well I’m not going to stand by and watch you make the biggest mistake of your life.  Enjoy your life with your Prince Charming.” She said sarcastically.

             
That was the last time we spoke. She left without a word as I finished packing. I missed her
desperately, but my pride had the best of me.  I cried myself to sleep the night I arrived to Atlanta too. Durran didn’t understand. I don’t think he wanted to.

             
The next morning I woke up alone, which at this point was no surprise.  I went into the bathroom and entered in the shower feeling completely drained.