At Last (33 page)

  
             
“There was a change with the shoot, so I decided to come home. Besides I didn’t want to
miss
Christmas with the kids.” I finally responded.

  
             
"I told you they'd be alright. You worry too much. Everything is cool, Ma.”  The concern for me in his eyes was evident, but I knew he wasn't going to push me into sharing anything I wasn't ready to share. I always loved that about him.  No pressure.
Everything in its own time.
  Nothing ever rushed.

  
             
Taking my left hand within his, he ran his large right hand over it. I’m sure he wanted me to think he was trying to comfort me, but I knew he was really checking to see if I was still wearing my wedding ring.

             
"You probably tired from your flight. You can take the bedroom and I'll chill out here." He said never taking his eyes of me.

  
             
I wanted so badly to take his face in my hands and kiss him. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and I was here to take him back home, but something was holding me back.

 
             
I shook my head, "I'm not going to put you out of your bed-"

  
             
"You ain't putting me out of nothing. You take the bed. I’ll be straight."

 
             
“Won’t you be lonely out here?”

  
             
”I’ll be straight.” He repeated leaning back on the couch placing his hands behind his head.  He wasn’t even attempting to hide his scorn.

             
"Come on Ma, I ain't tryin’ to play these games.  You came all this way to lay in the bed with me?" He asked standing up before walking towards the window.

 
             
I shot up instantly, dead on his heels. I wrapped my arms around his waist, laying my head on his back resting there until I could hear our breathing in unison. 
In and out
.
Out and in.

    
             
I knew he was frustrated with my vagueness, but it was harder for me than it was for him. He never once said he wanted it to be over. I hadn't even come up with a strategy. I figured once I got to New York with him and my babies everything would magically fall into place. Things just weren't going that way. Everything was much harder than I'd anticipated on the flight home.

   
             
"I couldn’t stop thinking of you.” I said softly still leaning on his back.

   
             
He never responded.  I could feel his body tense up.

             
"I miss you..."

  
             
Still silence. I finally released my hold and turned   my back to him, "Just forget I said anything."

  
             
I
could hear him turn around, “Real talk, what you expect me to say? You come here in the middle of the night talking all this shit…”

             
He was clearly agitated and was at a loss for words. He walked towards the foyer and shook his head, “Where was all this when you said you ain't want this life with me no more!?" 

 
             
  "Keep your voice down," I said placing my index finger to my lips, "Don't act like all this is my fault."

  
             
"Save that shit.” He said with bitterness I’d never seen within him. He looked straight through me.

             
It cut like a knife. I never thought that our life together would be falling apart before my eyes. And I was beginning to think that there was nothing I could do to put the pieces back together.