Asher (6 page)

             
I hadn’t asked to see the letters. I had needed that moment to be just about us. If that was the last time Asher Sutton would hold me, then I needed it. Nothing else but that.

             
I wasn’t sure I even wanted to read those letters. I didn’t know my mother. She hadn’t been around long enough for me to remember her. Reading words from her didn’t mean a lot to me. There was someone else I wanted to talk to. Someone who could tell me the truth. And if he didn’t know the truth, then we could find it together.

             
The man who had raised me and loved me was my father. Even if he wasn’t my blood, he was my father. Nothing could change that. I just hoped that the same was true for him. Because I had to face this with him. I couldn’t face it with Asher or Steel. 

             
Daddy was out at the stable with his newest purchase, a pretty quarter horse that Mom had seen and wanted when they’d gone to the stock yard to buy some cattle. Mom had married daddy when I was little and she was a wonderful woman who made my daddy happy. She loved me and we loved her. My family had seemed perfect.

             
Losing that knowledge wasn’t easy. The last thing I had to hold onto in my life felt like it was teetering on the edge of a cliff. Maybe a normal person wouldn’t be determined to face the truth. Holding onto the love and security I had was the easy way, but I needed to deal with it. Ask him why he had loved me anyway. Raised me as his own. How could he stand to look at me?

             
When I thought there was a monster under my bed as a kid, I grabbed a baseball bat and went looking for it. I never backed down and hid. I faced my fears. This was no different. It was the biggest fear I’d ever faced.

             
“Hey, buttercup,” Daddy called out when he stepped out of the stables and noticed me headed his way.              

             
“Hey,” I replied and my voice cracked as tears filled my eyes. Apparently this wasn’t like fighting the monsters under the bed. This was scarier. I loved this man and trusted him with my life. I trusted him to be there for me no matter what.

             
His smile fell. “Who the hell do I need to beat up? Why’s there tears in my angel’s eyes?” he asked taking three long strides, then grabbing both my arms and looking down at me. “Is this another Sutton boy job? Cause if it is, I’m gonna go burn that place down. I swear to God I am sick of those boys hurting you,” he roared.

             
The fact that he didn’t know the truth was even more apparent as he spoke. He couldn’t know. I had to tell him. I had to destroy the love this man had for me. Could I do that? Oh god… I felt my knees go weak. I couldn’t lose my daddy.

             
“Alright, buttercup, you’re scaring me. Is your momma okay?” he asked glancing back at the house.

             
I nodded. “It’s not about her,” I managed to say without sobbing.

             
“Talk, darling, because you’re scaring me. I can’t fix this if I don’t know what I need to fix.”

             
My daddy wanted to fix this. He always fixed my problems. Except he hadn’t been able to fix my broken heart when Asher had turned away from me.  He wouldn’t be able to fix this either.

             
“I heard Asher Sutton was home. Is this about him?” Daddy asked, his voice laced with anger. “He’s a man now. I don’t have a problem beating the hell outta a man.”

             
“Daddy,” I said interrupting him from his angry tirade about Asher. “Did you… did you know…” how did I ask my father whether he knew his wife had slept with another man? I couldn’t do this. Could I? God, this was too much.

             
“Did I know what, baby? What is bothering you?” his words had gentled as he pulled me closer to his chest like he was protecting me. He didn’t even know from what.

             
“My… mother… did she…” I stopped and swallowed hard. I felt sick. Hearing this was one thing, but repeating it was another.

             
“You said this wasn’t about Mom,” he said looking back up at the house again with concern. He didn’t understand.

             
I shook my head. “No, the woman… my real mother,” I said and his body tensed. We never talked about her. Ever. Not once. Did he know something? Had she left because of an affair. Did he just not realize that I was the product of her affair?

             
“Has she contacted you?” he asked in a tight voice.

             
I shook my head. I had once planned on finding her. Now, I never wanted to see her. She’d ruined my life. She’d left lies behind that destroyed everything. “Did you know she had an affair with Vance Sutton?” I asked before I could stop myself. Closing my eyes tightly, I suddenly wanted to take those words back. I didn’t want him to know this. I loved him. He was my daddy. I couldn’t lose that.

             
“She wasn’t mentally well, honey. But yes, I knew. How did you find out about this?” His words surprised me. I hadn’t expected him to know that much.  “Do the Sutton boys know this?”

             
I nodded. “Yeah, Asher found letters from Millie to Vance. They said some things…” tears spilled free and rolled down my face. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I’d faced this fear and now I had to wait.

             
Daddy stared down at me with a concerned frown and then slowly understanding lit his eyes.  He closed his eyes tightly and muttered a curse then pulled me against him and squeezed me. “Oh no, baby. I know what you read. That’s not what you think, buttercup. You’re my princess. You hear me. You’re mine. I got proof of that. Those letters were from a mentally unstable woman. A woman who hurt others as if life was a game. Millie’s beauty was something she used as a weapon of destruction.”

             
I pulled away from him and searched his face. “I’m not Vance Sutton’s daughter,” I repeated, needing to make sure we were understanding each other.

             
“No,” Daddy said fiercely. “Hell, no. You’re mine. Although Millie tried to destroy me and Vance Sutton with her lie. I had a paternity test done when you were born because Vance demanded it. He wanted proof you weren’t his. But understand this, from the moment they handed you to me minutes after you were born, you became mine. You stole my heart. A heart I didn’t think could ever heal, you healed it in your first few moments on this earth. I wouldn’t have cared what that paper said, you were my baby girl. I was willing to fight for you. I wanted you. Millie had broken me but you, Dixie Monroe, you saved me. You were my miracle.”

             
For the second day in a row I sobbed.

              “You better eat them biscuits. I didn’t get up and fix them for you to mess over,” Momma said as she stared at my plate that I had barely touched. My appetite was gone.

             
“Yes, ma’am,” I replied before forcing a bite into my mouth.

             
Steel had hurried up and finished his breakfast, then left. He hadn’t looked me in the eye either. That was good. He needed to keep his distance until I was able to calm down.

             
“Can I have another?” Dallas asked like a damn five-year-old.

             
“Go get it yourself. She’s not your waitress,” I snapped at him.

             
His eyes went big and he stood up with his plate and headed to the stove.

             
“Okay, what’s got you all tied up in knots? You weren’t here this morning and Bray was out looking for you while the rest of them tried to be a distraction. I did raise every one of you. I know when one of you don’t come home at night and I know when Dallas is trying to charm me so someone else can get away with something.”

             
Dallas chuckled as he sat down with another plate piled high with biscuits and tomato gravy. “Figures,” he said with a grin.

             
I refused to tell Momma what was wrong.  There was no reason for her to suffer that kind of pain now. She had good memories of my dad and it needed to stay that way. Telling her wouldn’t make it better for her. It did nothing but hurt her for no reason.

             
“I’m adjusting to being home again. Steel broke it off with Dixie and I’m not gonna lie. I’m glad. Dixie needs to move on and not with one of my brothers.”

             
I hoped my voice didn’t betray me.

             
Momma cocked an eyebrow and sat down across from me with a cup of coffee in her hand. “I call BS,” she said simply and took a drink of coffee while studying me. “BS, you hear me. I don’t buy it,” she said making sure she got her point across.

             
“Momma, let’s just leave him alone,” Bray said. He was the only one brave enough to say something like that to Momma apart from me.

             
Momma turned to look down the table at Bray who was now looking like a little boy with his hand in the cookie jar. If I hadn’t been so damn fucked up, I would have laughed. Dallas and Brent both laughed.

             
“I don’t recall asking you what to do. I carried him for nine months and went through ten hours of painful labor to birth him. Then I cleaned his nasty butt, nursed him when he was sick, held his hand while he got stitches and let him puke all over me while I held him when he got food poisoning. So
do not
tell me what I can and can’t do.
If
and
when
I want to know about one of my boys, I will ask. And you might be next, so shut your mouth and eat your breakfast.”

             
Bray dropped his head in a defeated stance. “Yes, ma’am,” he replied.

             
Momma swung her attention back to me. “Now, last time I checked you tossed that sweet Dixie Monroe to the curb without a backwards glance. Wouldn’t talk about her or look at her. I was worried about you getting too serious so young, so I didn’t push it. But three years later when you should be attached to some girl you’ve met at college, you’re back here still solemn and lonely. Ain’t right. When a man looks like you he has the women beating down his door. But you’re alone. Explain that to me. ‘Cause it has to be you pushing them away. Steel loves that girl. He’s bought her a diamond ring God knows he can’t afford and now he’s broken up with her two days after you get home. I smell S. H. I. T.”

             
I glanced down the table at Bray, but he was eating and not looking our way. Momma had put him in his place. Brent was watching us with a concerned frown. He knew I couldn’t tell Momma the truth. They all did. But not one of them was trying to help me out here.

             
“Maybe he didn’t love her enough. Maybe he didn’t love her enough to fight for her and make sure she was protected from everything that could hurt her. Maybe he didn’t love her enough to sacrifice his happiness for her. Maybe…” I stopped and stood up. “Momma, I love you but I can’t talk about this. Not right now,” I said leaving my plate on the table and heading for the door. If Steel could run out, then so could I. Facing Momma right now wasn’t possible.

             
“You found them letters, didn’t you,” Momma’s words stopped me just as my hand touched the screen door and I froze. Letters. She knew about the letters. Then she knew…

             
What the fuck?

             
Turning around I looked at her and saw the sadness in her eyes. “What letters, Momma?” I asked needing her to confirm to me that she knew about those letters. The ones that meant she shouldn’t have let me or Steel anywhere near Dixie Monroe.

             
“The letters from that woman to your daddy. I didn’t know where he hid them. But three years ago you found them,” she nodded as if I had confirmed this. “I wondered once back then when you looked so miserable and heartsick, but then I thought no, surely not. If you found something like that, you’d ask me about it. But you didn’t, so I figured it was something else. But I see I made a grave mistake.”

             
Dropping my hand from the door I stared at my mother. She knew. But she…  “Why would you let us… let me… be with her that way if you knew?” I asked trying to process the fact that my mother had knowingly let me commit incest.

             
Momma stood up and shook her head. “I’d have never let such a thing happen. That girl ain’t your daddy’s child. Luke Monroe has a paternity test that proves she is one hundred percent his child. Millie Monroe was the most beautiful woman in the county. She could seduce a sane man like nothing I’d ever seen, but that woman was insane. Mentally screwed up. She set her sights on your daddy and that meant she was gonna have him.

             
“Your daddy was a man. That’s the only excuse I got for him. I forgave him a long time ago. Understand that. He never stopped trying to make it up to me. He did love me. He just let sexual temptation get the better of him.”

             
If my daddy were still alive, I’d go kill him right now. Listening to my momma talk about him being seduced by another woman infuriated me.

             
“Millie came to the barn one day when I was gone to the doctor and well… she did some things any man would have a hard time turning down. Your daddy made a mistake. Then,” she sighed, “Millie came back and did it again a few more times and your daddy was weak. So, when Millie got pregnant, we didn’t know. We all knew it could be your daddy’s child. He admitted it to me. Everything he’d done. I was pregnant with Steel. I had three babies I was taking care of and money was tight. Your daddy used Millie as an escape from the reality of life. I thought I’d leave him for awhile, but he was so pitiful and I loved him so much. It took a couple years but I finally forgave him. Anyway, when that little girl was born, I wanted a paternity test and so did your daddy. If that baby was his, we needed to know. But it wasn’t. She was all Luke Monroe’s.”

             
“Holy fuck,” Bray swore, reminding me we weren’t alone. My brothers were all sitting there listening to this too.

             
“Can’t believe I was even born. You shoulda killed him,” Dallas muttered.

             
Momma turned around and faced them. “I loved that man. He loved and adored all of you. He was a good man who had a weak moment. He made a mistake and I forgave him. It don’t change the fact you were his whole world. He loved each of you.” Her hard tone was determined. She meant what she was saying. I wasn’t sure I could ever forgive the man but he was gone now and being mad at him was pointless. He’d left us in the end anyway.

             
Momma turned back to me. “Where were those letters?” she asked.

             
“Loose floorboard in the attic,” I told her.

             
She nodded. “I should have checked that place out before I let you move up there. I knew you were sweet on that girl. She looks just like her momma but she ain’t a thing like her. She’s got her daddy’s heart and Luke Monroe is a good man. He tried to make it work with Millie even when he knew she was crazy. Millie ran off and left him with that little girl and it was the best thing that could have happened to Dixie. She didn’t need that woman in her life. She turned out to be a fine woman,” Momma paused, then reached over and squeezed my arm. “A woman your brother loved enough to propose to her. Remember that, okay?”

             
Remember that.