Ash to Steele (36 page)

   “Ms. Jones, stop right there,” Mazers calls after her.

   I charge towards him, but Emma holds out her hands, pushing me backwards, “Don’t, Breck!”

   “If your art shows even a hint of the passion you just strew on me, then I would like to reconsider my decision,” Mazers stands, taking the case from Emma and returning it to his desk before removing her paintings. He’s quiet as he takes each one out, studying it before putting it aside and repeating the process with the next.

   Emma stands so still, it’s hard to tell if she’s breathing.  I slide her fingers through mine, giving them a reassuring squeeze while we wait.

    “Where are the paintings you originally sent pictures of, Ms. Jones?”

    I feel her body stiffen even further, “They were stolen.”

   “Stolen? When?”

   “A few days before I was supposed to meet you,” Emma replies, and I can tell that she doesn’t want to elaborate further. 

   “That’s too bad-” Mazers stops, packing each painting back inside the case, “because I would have purchased them along with each piece you have here.” He turns around, smiling, “If you can put
up with a – how did you put it – smug ass, arrogant professional like me, then I would like to make an appointment and discuss commissioning further paintings like these.”

   Emma’s jaw drops, and I place my hand on the small of her
back, leaning close to her ear and whispering, “Confidence, Emma.”

   “I will be happy to compare schedules with your assistant, Mr. Mazers,” she replies coolly, in complete control, and I’m so fuckin’ proud of her. 

   I back out of the room while she makes the appointment for next week.  When she secures her empty case in the backseat, I pull her into my arms, swinging her around, “I told you that you would nail this.  You are an amazing artist, Ms. Jones, and you completely turned me on back there, putting him in his place like that.  I’m so proud of you right now.”

   Emma is still reeling from her meeting when we get back to her apartment after celebrating at the Dark Hole when my cell rings.

   “Mr. Steele,” Prayton begins hesitantly, “it’s your father.”

   “You know I don’t take calls from him, Prayton,” I growl. 

   Emma sets her purse on the counter and grabs my arm, her eyes trying to elicit information from the part of the conversation she can’t hear. 

   “I know, but, Breck, he passed away this morning.  His attorney called and according to your father’s wishes-” he pauses, “I am supposed to let you know that two houses have been bequeathed to you.”

   The phone splinters into pieces as I throw it and it crashes against the wall before bouncing on the floor. 

   Emma jumps, “What’s wrong?  What’s happened?”

   “I have to go out of town for a day or two, Emma.  I will call you when I get back,” I manage to force out the words on my way to the door. 
   “Wait, Breck.  Why?” she places her hand on my shoulder, and I jerk away, feeling like shit when I see the hurt in her eyes by my ingrained reaction. 

   Doing my damndest to soften my tone, I brush a kiss against her hair, “Please, don’t ask me anymore questions, Emma.  I need to be alone right now.  I will call you when I get back.”  I leave her standing there, lost and alone, as I slam the door behind me.

   It’s just after midnight when I pull the rental car in front of the house I’ve tried to forget for the past twelve years, the house that’s in my nightmares every damn night.   With what I have planned, the house will be gone by daylight.  Opening the first bottle of whiskey, I take a large gulp, slamming the bottle down on the kitchen counter.  Two seconds later, the sledgehammer breaks that counter in half.  I swing repeatedly, busting the counter into splintering pieces, some of the slivers of wood biting into my skin as I continue to bring the sledgehammer down again and again before moving to the cabinets, then the kitchen walls.  Memories spin like some viral video gone bad in my head.  Draining a third of the whiskey in three gulps, I wipe my arm across mouth, panting and dripping with sweat from the demolition workout that’s left the kitchen in shambles. 

   I head towards the living room next, giving the sledgehammer a break as I punch holes through the old sheetrock.  Blood drips from my knuckles as I make hole after hole in the wall.   Pain slices through the bones in my hand when my fist finds a stud and I grunt, laughing out loud, as I down more of the whiskey and flex my hand before swinging again. 

   “What the hell are you doing?” Jess screams, snatching the shirt I discarded on the floor an hour ago and reaching for my arm to wrap it around my hand. 

   “What are you doing here, Jess?”

   “Prayton called.  Breck, you’re drunk and obviously upset,” she rushes, slowly spinning around as she drinks in the damage I’ve already caused.  Her lips part and her face is ashen when she sees the two gallons of kerosene.  Her voice trembles as she begs, “Come back with us.”

   “Us?” I spin around just in time to see Gavin walking through the door, Emma right behind him, and my rage explodes as I cross the living room in three strides. “You brought her
here
?  What the hell were you thinking, Gavin?” I yell, grabbing his shirt and slamming him against the wall. “You knew to keep her away!” I want to hurt him, cause significant damage, for bringing Emma here with me like this. 

   “Stop it, Breck!” Emma screams.

   Letting Gavin go, I turn my back to her, horrified for her to see me in the state I’m in now.  “Leave, Emma,” I warn, placing my hands against the wall, hanging my head while I grapple to find some semblance of control.  Damn, I want to rip this fucking place apart, destroy every inch of its existence, and she can’t be here when I let my control go, finally destroying what destroyed me. 

   “I’m not going anywhere,” I hear her voice, so damn stubborn, and I spin around, grabbing her arm and jerking her towards me. 

   I feel the vein on my forehead pulsating and the erratic beat of my heart pounds furiously in my chest as my grip on her arm tightens.  Her eyes are determined, hell-bent on standing her ground, and I want to make her obey me.  “I.Told.You.To.Leave!” I growl, needing her away from the place that ruined me, away from
me
when I’m not in control of the rage inside. 

   “NO!  I’m not leaving here without you,” she insists, her jaw jutted out and that damn defiance blazing in her eyes. 

   I start to drag her towards the door but she fights, digging in her heels and jerking her arm away. Jess steps next to Emma, and I see the plea in her eyes, but I don’t give a damn about anything right now, other than getting Emma out of here so I can do what I need to do without fucking up the one good thing in my life that I need, the one thing I can’t live without. 

   “I said I’m not leaving, Breck,” she hisses. 

   Yanking her towards me again, her body slams into mine as I get in her face, letting her taste the anger that I’m trying to protect her from.  “The hell you’re not.  Get your ass out the fucking door, Emma!” I scream. 

   Gavin steps towards me this time, and the inferno in my eyes spits fire, daring him to say or do anything right now.  Releasing Emma, my hands curl into tights fists itching to explode.  Emma presses her hands against my chest, pushing me backwards, as she calls over her shoulder, “Jess, get Gavin out of here.”

   “I’m not leaving you here, Em,” Jess argues.  She’s scared.  She’s never seen me this way; she’s only seen the aftermath and she should be scared.  I am, knowing that I won’t be able to hold it together for much longer.

   “I’ll be fine.  He won’t hurt me,” Emma’s eyes never leave mine when she says those words.  Her voice is calming, unwavering. She’s fearless, so fuckin’ unbelievably trusting of me when I can’t even trust myself. 

   A ruthless laugh bubbles through my throat and I drown it with more whiskey, putting the second bottle to my lips and draining a good dose of its contents, relishing in the heat rolling over my tongue and burning my throat, “You need to listen to Jess.  You shouldn’t be here.”

   “Shut up, Breck,” Emma counters, stepping closer to me and pushing me again, daring me to let go.

   The rage spirals dangerously out of control and I throw the bottle against the wall.  The glass shatters and brown liquid drips down the filthy walls.  I fill the fraction of space between us as I look around this house, vile memories filling my head at every damn turn.  My nose touches hers as I growl, “You don’t belong here!”

  “Breck, c’mon, mate, she’s just worried about you,” Gavin tries to calm me.  He should fuckin’ know better.

   He steps towards Emma, and she thrusts her hand out, “I’m not leaving, but you and Jess are!”

  “Gavin, get her the fuck out of here. NOW!” I yell, feeling the last thread of my control slipping. 

   Gavin grabs Emma, but she jerks away, “I’m not going with you!”  Her resolve matches mine but she’s mistaken if she thinks I give a shit about what she wants right now.  She glares at me, “I don’t know what is going on here, or what any of this is all about because all of you are so damn secretive about everything in your past, but if you won’t talk to me then talk to someone else, anyone else, Breck!”

   I throw my head back, laughing bitterly, “I have!”  I waive my hand in the space in front of me, “You’re looking at thousands of dollars of therapy sessions that didn’t solve my…
issues
. Do you have another suggestion, Emma?  Another solution to fix me because all I’ve known have been tried already?” 

  She takes a step closer, and I back away as she declares, “Yes, I do.”  The intent in her ey
es terrifies the hell out of me as she continues, “All of this rage, this anger, confusion, sorrow, and whatever else you are feeling right now that is getting ready to be unleashed on this house – this place that has caused all of this pain inside of you – it won’t solve anything.  Don’t you see that?  The house will be gone, burned to ashes by the kerosene, but this hurt inside of you will still be there, Breck!  Instead of unleashing on something that won’t do anything to help you, unleash it on me.”

   “Emma,” Jess pleads, her voice shaking. She steps closer, but Gavin holds out his hand, stopping her. 

    “What do you want?  Do you want me to drop to my knees, crawl to you, and fucking beg for you leave?  I am begging you, Emma, please,
please
, leave.  You can’t trust me right now.”

   “Yes, I can.”

   “How do you know that?  How can you be so damn sure?” I scream, slamming my fist against the wall. 

   She extends to her full height as she screams back, “Because, you won’t hurt me!  You can’t – you would never hurt me!  I know what you’re doing; you are trying to scare me so I’ll leave, but I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU! No matter how right or wrong it is, or how much I’ve tried to fight it, I belong to you; I’m yours!  You own and control what I feel,
who I am
, and if you lose yourself tonight, I get lost with you, and you won’t let that happen to me!”

   She’s right.  God, she’s right.  I cover my face with my hands at what I’ve done to her.  “I’ve tried to save you from this part of me and the whole time I’ve been slowly poisoning you with who I am anyway.  Dammit, Emma, I know what it feels like to be ruined and I won’t be the one who ruins you!  Leave.  Now. Don’t ever look back.”

   She pushes me, hard, and I am surprised at her strength. “You already have ruined me!” Her chest rises and falls with each labored breath.  Her eyes are reckless, full of fury, love, and desperation, and she pushes me again, coming at me with her slender hands balled into tight fists, thrashing wildly, “You’ve ruined me for anyone else.  I can survive without you, I can go through my life each day just wanting for the next one to come so I can put it behind me, so that’s one more day that’s over, but I can’t
live
without you. Air will fill my lungs, but I won’t be able to catch my breath.  My heart will still beat but I’ll want to rip it out of my fucking chest so I won’t feel the pain every damn time I think of you – so, if pushing me away from you is how you plan on
saving
me, then just go ahead and rip my heart from my chest now because I don’t want it!”

   My shirt is grasped tightly in her fists.  Hot tears spill down her cheeks as her ragged breaths warm my neck.  She’s a mess, so damn fierce and beautifully broken, hanging onto sanity by a fraying thread, and I couldn’t love her more for loving me enough to risk all of her for someone like me. I may have ruined her for every other man and, damn if I have zero regrets over that, but I won’t destroy her soul.  I won’t hurt her anymore.  Sinking to the floor, I kneel on my knees in front of her, so damn lost,  “I don’t know how to stop this, to-”

   “I do,” she soothes, taking my hand, before looking over her shoulder at Gavin and Jess, “please, leave us alone tonight.”

   Jess’ cheeks glisten with tears as Gavin wraps his arm around her shoulders, leading her out of the house. 

   Once the door is shut, Emma falls to her knees, grabbing my face and pressing her palms tightly against my cheeks, “Use me.  Use
me
to get rid of all of this crap inside of you.  I can handle it.”

   “I’ve been gentle with you, Emma.  I’ve never been rough.  I can’t be gentle tonight.  There’s no way that I can take you with how I am right now; I’ll hurt you.”