As I Am (10 page)

I’ve waited too long to say or do anything, and now it’s too late. I give Cal a small smile and keep walking, watching the path
the flashlight is illuminating, and hoping their might be a hole to fall into. I’m trying to forget that, essentially, he just told me I was fat. I try to think about the positive things he said I was: smart and pretty cute. I don’t include “nice” in my thoughts because it’s such an arbitrarily descriptive word. Dave burped out half of the alphabet at last night’s bonfire and Cal declared that, too, was “nice.”

“
It’s okay. I think you’re nice, too,” is all I can say. I’ll be lying in bed later tonight and think of all the things I should have said in this moment; smart, retaliatory statements that would put Cal in his place and remind him of all the other reasons he likes me.

“So, what about you? How’s the official Lake Hollis photographer doing?” He smiles, completely oblivious to the pain I’m trying to keep from taking over in my heart. “I’m sure you got some good shots of me and
Ryan at the wall. How are all the other pictures coming out?”

“Well,
I’m getting really good shots of everyone in action. There’s never a dull moment around here. I’ve already got shots of kids in mid-air, jumping off the dock into the lake, and a few great ones of some first-timers flailing their arms for dear life trying not to fall out of a canoe. And you should see the close-ups of some of the faces of the kids as they’re half-way up the rock climbing wall! Priceless!” I tell him. “It’s been really fun.”

“That’s cool. Do you have any from The Lodge or the bonfires yet? I’d love some pictures of the group this year. I mean, we don’t know if we’re going to see each other again, so, you know, it’d be nice to have some evidence of the fun we had here,” he says wit
h a sentimental smile that reminds me that, at the heart, Cal is a really sweet guy. He’s just … not the guy for me. I promised Addy I’d be open, but I feel like I’ve given Cal a fair shot and there’s nothing here.

It’s weird to even think that way. I’m always the one feeling like I’m never given a chance
. How many guys have I totally crushed on who I knew if they just spent some real time with me and got to know me, would have gotten to know how great I am? Now I feel like a big hypocrite. How can I stand here and decide that Cal’s not right for me? I have to give it more time. The whole idea that Cal would be interested in me is difficult to wrap my brain around as it is. I just need to give it more time and I’m sure I’ll begin to feel differently.

“Some, but not a lot of pictures of the gang. I’ve actually been spending a lot of time in the evenings uploading and editing pictures,” I tell him.

“I noticed that you haven’t been around. You think maybe you could take a night off?” he says. I can’t tell if he’s smirking playfully or if that’s a smolder. Whatever it is, it’s pretty hot.

“I’m sure I can take
one
night off.” I smirk back at him and he gives me a playful nudge with his shoulder.

“Awesome,” he says as he takes my hand. Well, I suppose
that’s
something.

I take a deep breath and make a conscious decision to do my best to give Cal the chance I would want him to give me. This is going to require me being more vulnerable than I’ve ever been with someone
, although I’m not sure I even know how to do that. But, if Cal can show me that he can be honest and vulnerable, then I think I’ll be able to do the same with him. I smile, feeling like this is a step in really growing up, feeling like I’ve crossed over into a place I’ve been afraid to travel until now.

“So, how are the kids? I love what I’m doing with the photography, but I’m not getting as much time w
ith them as I did last year. I’m not getting to know them as well, except for maybe one,” I say, thinking about Margaret and the vocabulary lessons she’s been giving me. Yesterday she helped me with some Official Camp Photographer stuff and added two words to my repertoire:
meraki
, which has to do with the essence of yourself that you put into your work, and
eutony
, which is the pleasantness of the sound of a word. I have a feeling I’ll be calling on this girl for help on the next article I have to write for the school paper.

“
Yeah, the kids are good. A few stick out, mostly girls because they hang all over me and Brandon and Ted.”

“Who are Brandon and Ted?” I ask. This seems like a dumb question, but I haven’t gotten to know the new counselors either, so
…

“Brandon? Ted?
Ryan and my buddies from school? You didn’t know their names?” he chuckles.

“Well, they weren’t exactly knocking people over to meet me
last year or this year, and I figured it didn’t matter to them if I introduced myself or not. They’re pretty focused on the new girls,” I say.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. Anyway, Brandon’s younger brother and
two of his buddies from school are here. They like to hang with us, get some pointers.” Cal laughs and nods his head.

“
Pointers?”

“Oh, well, Westchester Academy boys
,
of which I am one
, use this summer as, sort of, a … a coming-of-age summer. We solidify our place as leaders, and pick out a few lucky girls to get some experience with before high school. They see how far they can get with a girl without, you know, doing it, and when they get back to school they’re already on their way to manhood. Making it as far around the bases without a hitting home does wonders for a guy’s ego,” he says proudly.

“You’re joking, right?” I say with a smile, fully expecting him to tell him he’s pulling my leg.
“These
boys
are only thirteen years old.”

“Why would I joke about that?” he asks perplexed.

“So these boys come to Lake Hollis to fulfill some kind of passage into manhood? And you did this, too?” I stop walking and take my hand from his, folding my arms in front of me.

“What’s the big deal, Kin? We’re guys. We have to start somewhere,” he says, confused.

“So you just pick some naïve girls to mess around with?”

“Ok
ay, hold on. I think things just got out of hand. Maybe I wasn’t explaining myself well enough. Can we … can we just calm down?” Cal takes me by the shoulders and looks into my eyes. He takes a few slow breaths and I follow suit.

“Ok
ay.”

“Great
.” He takes a deep breath before he speaks and tries to clarify the sexist-in-training initiation the Westchester boys use Lake Hollis for. “I’m sorry I blurted out the crass description of what the guy
s
‒
‒
”

“Boys.”

“I’m sorry I blurted out the crass description of what the
boys
do. They’re away from home. There are tons of girls here. A lot of them are new to even
liking
girls. This place has kind of become a safe haven for Westchester boys to put themselves out there with a girl. If it works out, great. If they fall flat, they’re going home at the end of the summer and they never have to see the girl again. They only come for the summer before high school. So, they can try their hardest and see where it goes without worrying about showing their face around school if they tried and failed with a local girl,” he explains. His tone is soft and I can tell he’s just trying to help me understand a guy’s point of view. I’ve never considered that guys worry about striking out and the effect that has on them.

“
Why couldn’t you say it that way in the first place?” I smile.

“I’m a guy
. I’m not naturally wordy when it comes to explaining things on the fly. It can take me weeks to put together a presentation that I’m happy with for the firm.” Cal rubs my shoulders and gives them a light squeeze.

“So you were one of these boys, putting your moves on unsuspecting girls?”

“Yeah,” he answers slowly. “Not some of my proudest moments, but I learned a lot. I’m just really glad I’m not that kid anymore. Are we okay?”

“Yeah, we’re ok
ay. Sorry I got all defensive,” I tell him.

“It’s
fine. I presented the douchebag version to you. What else
could
you do?” We smile at each other, closing the door on this misunderstanding, and Cal takes my hand again. “We should probably make our way back. It’s getting late and Mr. Smith asked me to help him change out the ropes at the wall before breakfast,” Cal says. “Gotta change them out and rotate them once a week. Makes them last longer.”

“Of course.”

We walk and talk about mundane things about camp, some of it the same conversation we’ve already had. I promise him again that I’ll take more pictures at The Lodge and the bonfires, and he promises not to stick his foot in his mouth again. Still no fire burning in me for Cal Harper, but definitely feel closer to him, even after a little tiff.

People are going to argue. Addy and I do it all the time. The test of your relationship
’s strength is measured by your resiliency. If you can recover from a fight, you’re going to end up much stronger. Judging by my boiling blood, we were headed to a big one. The fact that we were able to recover, that he was the one to stop us and get us back on track, is a sign of great things to come.

Cal stops us before we reach the clearing where The Lodge and Gateway cabins are and takes
both my hands in his. He threads his fingers through mine, swinging me to face him. My heart thumps loudly in my chest, the first time this has really happened with Cal. I know what’s coming and adrenaline pumps through me at the thought that this might be the turning point and ignite the spark I’ve been waiting for.

“Thanks for meeting me tonight. I like you, Kinley. When I first entertained the idea of exploring more with you, I wasn’t sure if it was going to work. I mean, we were developing such a good friendship that I didn’t want to risk losing that. But, I’m glad I did. I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m glad I get to spend right now with you.”

I open my mouth to respond to him, completely unsure of what I want to say. So, rather than fumbling over my words, I keep it simple. “I feel the same way,” I say with a soft smile.

Before I know
it, Call takes my face in his hands and kisses me. I’m stunned at first, not believing that I’m actually kissing
Cal Harper
. That feeling changes quickly, though, as his kiss lingers and evolves into something amazing. He steps even closer to me and I take his hips in my hands. My lips move with his instinctively and all the crappy experiences I’ve ever had with kissing disappear. This kiss, by far, exceeds any expectation of what really being kissed would ever be like. It’s a perfect kiss. A kiss to top the charts of all kisses. So why don’t I feel anything?

Cal pulls away from me and
then rests his forehead against mine, brushing my cheek with his thumb. I fight the urge to say something stupid like “that was really nice” and just enjoy the moment. It was a great moment.

“As much as I’d really like to do that again, I gotta get back,” he says, pulling away and locking his eyes with mine. God, he’s handsome. What is
wrong
with me? How am I not a moment’s notice away from dropping my panties for this guy? This guy who is showing this kind of interest in me? If this isn’t a sign of complete and total lack of experience, I don’t know what is.

“Sure. I totally understand,” I tell him.
He takes my hand and we finish walking the path to The Lodge. There are several people outside being loud and having fun. It looks like Brandon and Ted are standing with that girl Tiffany and another girl in the open space between The Lodge and Gateway. Another guy comes stumbling out of Gateway and throws up in the bushes.

“Oh man!” Cal says, releasing my hand to run his fingers through his hair in exasperation.

“What it is?”

“That’s
Alan. He works the wall with us and is supposed to switch out the ropes with me in the morning. If he’s this sick from drinking
now
, he’s going to be so hung-over. Seven o’clock is going to be hell for him tomorrow morning,” Cal says with annoyance. “I guess I could get Brandon or Ted to do it. I better get over there and at least try to get him sobered up.”

“If the Fellows find out about this, they’re going to flip!” I say with annoyance coating my tone. “They’re not naïve enough to think there’s no drinking going on, but they trust us not to go crazy. Tiffany on the first night was one thing, but we’ve been here long enough that the newbies should know how to act.”

“You’re right. I’ll deal with him.” Cal shakes his head, visibly pissed at Alan for jeopardizing the freedom the Fellows give us. “I’m sorry. I was going to walk you in all proper and everything.”

“That’s sweet of you, but I understand. Go help the newbie,” I tell him with an understanding smile.

“You’re pretty great, you know that?”

“I try!”

Call kisses my cheek and I watch him half walk, half jog over to Alan. He gets Brandon and Ted’s attention and they, along with the girls, all follow Cal as he gets Alan and shuffles him inside.